


Defiance

by crackernow



Series: Obedience [2]
Category: Disobedience (2017), Disobedience - Naomi Alderman
Genre: Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-05-21 21:09:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 48
Words: 151,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14922878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crackernow/pseuds/crackernow
Summary: A sequel to 'Disobey'.[Rated ‘Underage’ for Chapter 6]





	1. The Viewing

It had been just over a week since Ronit had appeared in the school playground and back into our lives. She had been in between living with Daniel and I and slowly moving into her temporary accommodation that her office had arranged for her, which she hated.

‘It’s mouldy, it stinks, the hot water doesn’t work.’ I overheard her on the phone one evening in the kitchen talking to the maintenance company. She hadn’t spent a night there yet, or even a full day; every night she was in my bed, sharing my pillows and covers, holding and kissing me until I fell asleep. I still wasn’t entirely over the shock of having her here, and not just having her here but knowing she was here as mine, as my Ronit.

The flat was too small; we had been managing well enough but we both knew the three of us couldn’t live there forever. And seeing her there felt oddly wrong, like she didn’t belong. She was so beautiful, ethereal, so naturally charismatic and wonderful that in my dark, poky flat she looked like a goddess visiting a slum; lighting every corner with her aura.

I still went to work every morning, though it was painful leaving her; I would take Daniel to nursery and leave Ronit to sleep in. Every minute at school dragged for an eternity until I saw her again. She hadn’t started her new job yet; she started at the beginning of October, something to do with waiting on a contract, for a certain quarter, something she brushed off as unimportant and which I accepted. She met me after work several times, coming from her temporary flat, she even rode the bus back with me, when I told her she had to stop paying for taxis.

‘You do this every day?’ She’d asked me with a frown one day, her body pressed against mine in the crowded, musty centre of the bus.

On Saturday, the second Saturday since Ronit’s arrival, she woke me up with a breakfast of tea and toast.

‘I arranged a flat viewing for today.’ She said, sipping at the teal mug with a chip in it. ‘Would you come with me to see it?’

‘Of course.’ I just finished a mouthful of Marmite toast when she started stroking my leg. I pushed away the sadness I felt that she’d soon be living apart from me again, no doubt somewhere beautiful, somewhere she would fit. She’ll still be closer than New York, I told myself, and she’ll still be yours. ‘Dovid is… visiting this evening.’ I said, taking another bite.

Ronit smiled. ‘Ah, a family reunion.’

‘I haven’t told him you’re back, or that you’re… that we’re…’

She yawned and rested her cup on her chest as she leaned against the headboard. ‘That’s okay. We can tell him together.’

‘Really?’ I felt the relief rush through me, as though a noose had loosened around my neck.

‘Definitely. I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to see his face when he finds out.’

‘Do you think he’ll take it badly?’

‘I don’t care how he takes it to be perfectly honest.’ Ronit said, her fingers stroking slightly harder as she spoke. ‘Will Shayna come with him?’

‘I doubt it; she must be so close to her due date now.’

‘Do they know what they’re having? Boy, girl? Dovid Jr, Shayna Jr?’

‘I don’t think so. They never really tell me anything about it, which suits me.’

Ronit nodded slowly, I could tell she was thinking about something, but I couldn’t tell what.

‘What time is your viewing?’ I stretched out and nibbled another piece of toast.

‘Eleven.’ She checked her phone. ‘Plenty of time.’

‘Do you think it’s weird how quickly we’ve settled?’ I asked, out of nowhere. I suppose I must have been thinking about how normal we were, how easy our interactions had been since she returned. Like we’d always been this way, when I knew that wasn’t true.

‘No,’ she said after a while. ‘I think it’s weird how it didn’t happen sooner.’

‘And you’re happy?’

‘Of course I am.’

‘And you don’t miss New York?’

She waited then, holding her cup to her chin and staring into my eyes. They were so deep; two perfect circles of melted dark cocoa.

‘I love New York, but I love you more.’ She said eventually.

I smiled then, I felt my cheeks blushing. ‘That’s corny.’ I leant to kiss her. Her tongue was hot from the tea, and she smelt like buttered toast. ‘But thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’ She said with a laugh.

Eventually we both got up, when Daniel came into our room and jumped on the bed. Ronit tickled him and knocked tea over the duvet so I thought I may as well wash all of the covers. Ronit showered while I made breakfast for Daniel. By the time we were all clean and dressed, it was time to go to the viewing.

‘The agent said she’d meet me here.’ Ronit held her phone in one hand, scrolling through a mass of emails, pacing outside a long stretch of pure white apartments in Notting Hill. We’d taken a taxi, but it was almost the exact route I took to work on the bus every morning. I held Daniel’s hand while he picked at the petals of someone’s low hanging flower baskets.

‘Daniel, stop that please.’

‘Ah, here she is.’ Ronit exclaimed and strolled towards the estate agent. A tall woman in an impeccable, black, fitted suit marched towards us; her heels clacked along the pavement and her tightly pulled back hair stretched out her features. ‘Anita, hi!’ Ronit called.

‘Ronit, _so_ good to meet you.’ Anita leant into Ronit and pecked her cheek. Suddenly I felt very frumpy, as though I was Ronit’s nanny and she’d brought me along to look after her son while she browsed expensive apartments.

‘So, you’ve seen the outside already?’ Anita carried on, not acknowledging me. Her head was constantly nodding like one of those bobble-headed figures people keep on their dashboards; her eyes burrowed into Ronit uncomfortably. ‘It’s obviously Victorian, I’m sure you knew that. There’s a shared back garden area, it’s just been entirely canvassed – it’s gorgeous. The owner has a real eye, a real eye for these things. But you’re checking out the first floor, aren’t you? Well, shall we?’

Anita clopped ahead of us and clambered the stairs awkwardly in her heels. Ronit caught a glimpse of my face and laughed; she took my hand as we followed Anita. She talked us through the whole apartment; it was huge. It opened up into a tall expanse of white walls and dark hardwood floor. The living room furniture was all new, Anita told Ronit, and some of it still had plastic on. The air smelt like fresh paint, and natural light poured in through floor-to-ceiling windows on the far side behind the kitchen. It wasn’t too dissimilar from Ronit’s flat in New York.

‘It’s three bedroom; a master and two doubles. En-suite in the master and another compact bathroom in between the two double bedrooms. All new mattresses, and one of a kind oak furniture; the owner has a special supplier. The open plan kitchen has just had an electric cooker built in…’ Anita rambled on and I tried to ignore her.

Ronit asked a few questions and was bombarded with more information. She was far more bolshy than I would have been, she tested the taps, checked the walls for mould, flicked the switches on the plug sockets and clicked all of the window locks.

‘You’re an artist aren’t you?’ Anita asked at one point. ‘I can always tell an artist when I see one.’

‘I’m a photographer.’ Ronit said, inspecting a slight swell in the wooden floor near the kitchen.

‘Ah, see, I told you. Always spot a creative type. This room…’ Anita said, leading Ronit to one of the double rooms. ‘Would make a fantastic studio.’

Ronit bit her lip. ‘Could you give us a moment?’

‘Absolutely!’ Anita said, nodding fervently. ‘I’ll step outside. Call me when you’re ready.’

She left through the front door, closing it softly behind her. We waited until we heard her heel clicks fade into silence.

‘Jesus Christ.’ Ronit spoke first. ‘She’s hard work.’

‘You’re an artist.’ I said, nodding and imitating Anita, which made Ronit stifle laughter with her hand. ‘Yes, yes I can tell you’re an artist.’ I continued.

‘God.’ Ronit said after she’d stopped giggling. ‘Are we bad?’

‘Yes.’ I said, smiling and distracting Daniel from climbing onto the sofa.

Ronit smiled. ‘So, what do you think?’

‘It’s very you.’ I said without thinking.

‘I take it that’s a good thing? You know… she’s mad but she’s right. This would make a good studio. It’s wider than the other rooms, and the light is fantastic.’

‘What about this room?’ I asked, pointing into the smaller double room.

‘This one? Well, I was thinking…’ She was biting her lip again. ‘I was thinking this could be Daniel’s room.’

Her words echoed around me, taking a while to settle.

‘Daniel’s?’

‘Well, yes. It wouldn’t make sense for him to have the master.’

‘Ronit, are we…? Are you…?’

‘Am I asking you to move in with me?’

I felt my mouth drying up because it was open, the intake of breath drawing out all of the moisture. ‘Ronit, I- I mean, I’d love to obviously but… I can’t afford… whatever this costs.’

‘That doesn’t matter.’ Ronit said, wandering off towards the master bedroom… our bedroom?

‘It does.’

‘No, it doesn’t.’ She trailed a finger along the smooth wooden windowsill of the bedroom. My heart thrummed in my chest at the thought of living here.

I heard a clatter behind me. ‘Daniel, get down from there please.’ I turned back into the bedroom. ‘Ronit, I-’

‘It’s a five-minute walk from your school.’ She said, sitting down on the plastic of the mattress, looking up at me. ‘I mean, you’d have to change Daniel’s nursery, which I don’t know… you might not want to do. But it would save you an hour commute every day, there and back.’

‘But… the rent…’

‘The rent isn’t an issue, Esti. Think about other things for a minute. Daniel’s nursery, your journey…’

‘I mean, it would be fantastic…’ My heart was beating rapidly. Could I actually be talking about living here? I compared it quickly to the flat I was in now, they were worlds apart.

‘That’s better.’ Ronit smiled, her lips parting slightly. She leant back slightly, watching me.

‘And we- I mean, I could move Daniel to a closer nursery. He’s young, he’ll make new friends. And I could… I could potentially pay half of the rent, I could… try to at least.’

Ronit waved a hand at me. ‘We can discuss that another time. But you like it?’

‘I love it!’

‘What you doing?’ A small voice behind me enquired. Daniel had entered the room, scratching his head.

‘We’re talking about your new house.’ Ronit said before I had a chance to speak. ‘Do you like it?’

Daniel’s mouth dropped. ‘My house?’ He asked incredulously.

‘Yes! Your house! If you want to live here, of course.’ Ronit peered around me to see Daniel, I took a step backwards and was close enough to her that she held my hand.

Daniel gasped. ‘Yes! My new house!’

‘Shall I show you your room?’ Ronit asked excitedly.

‘Yes please!’ Daniel squeaked and jumped on the spot. Ronit stood up and looked at me.

‘I suppose he’s made his decision.’ She shrugged. ‘Can’t go back on it now.’ She kissed my lips, then led Daniel to see his bedroom.

 

We left the apartment in good spirits; not even Anita’s persistent nodding or shrillness could dampen my mood. Ronit had arranged to visit the estate agent’s office on Monday morning, to sign papers and pay the deposit. I’d offered to come with her and withdraw cash to pay towards it but she had cut me off abruptly.

We lingered in Notting Hill for a while before heading back to my flat, which seemed swamp-like and rotten in my head now. We dawdled along Portobello Road towards the market which was thronging with people. Ronit held Daniel’s hand while I picked up some fresh mushrooms, onions, carrots and tomatoes for dinner. We saw a street entertainer juggling and dropping balls, cabbages and pins, which gave Daniel a laughing fit. We reached the end of the long stretch of carboot style stalls, Daniel eyed every toy he saw and Ronit bent down at one point to inspect an old camera.

‘I think this is a real Leica M6.’ She whispered to me. ‘And it’s got a price tag of £300.’

‘I don’t know what that means.’ I admitted, wrestling a broken superhero toy from Daniel’s grip.

‘It’s an old camera, they’re usually like £1000…’ she was frowning, creating two small lines between her eyebrows. ‘So it’s either an expensive fake… or a real model for a massive bargain.’

In the end, she bought it. She had actually offered more than the asking price after speaking to the seller.

‘He knew his stuff,’ she said studying the camera as we walked to the tube station. ‘This has got to be real.’

I tried to pretend I wasn’t shocked that she had just dropped £300 on a camera, and that I could never imagine doing that. I listened to her speak about her camera, and Daniel talking about his superhero with one leg that he’d insisted on buying for 50p.

‘He lost it.’ He told me. ‘Fighting.’

‘He’s brave.’ I said.

‘No, he’s stupid.’ Daniel replied.

 

I heard a knock on the door around 6:15pm that evening when I was preparing the vegetables; the nerves that had been simmering in my stomach erupted into giant nauseous bubbles.

‘Daddy! Daddy!’ Daniel yelled as he darted for the front door. I heard Ronit following him and I bolted.

‘I’ll get it.’ I said walking hurriedly past her, wiping my hands on my trousers.

‘Oh, okay.’ Ronit took a step backwards.

I opened the door and Daniel jumped up into Dovid’s arms. But it wasn’t just Dovid, he was accompanied by a gigantic and uncomfortable looking Shayna.

‘Hello my son.’ Dovid said, smiling.

‘Oh, hello Shayna.' I said. 'I didn’t know you were coming.’

‘Mm.’ Shayna avoided my eyes and paid all of her attention to Daniel. That’s when I felt Ronit’s hand sliding around my waist.

‘Dovid! Shayna!’ She practically yelled. ‘So good to see you! Your beard’s got longer.’

Dovid blinked several times in succession, his mouth slowly opened and shut, then opened again. His eyes shot from Ronit, to me, to Ronit’s fingers curling around my hip.

‘Ronit.’ He said feebly. ‘I… didn’t know you were back.’

Shayna looked repulsed; this time she did look at me and I felt the disgust pulsing from her.

‘Very long story, do you have thirty years?’ Ronit joked, but this was no time for laughter.

‘Come in, I’ll make tea.’ I suggested, trying to clear the very obvious awkward air in the doorway. Daniel had been watching the entire episode with a curious look on his smooth face.

I let Shayna and Dovid into the living room, though they moved with slow steps, then went to the kitchen. Ronit followed me shortly after.

‘That went well.’ She said.

‘You could have been a bit more subtle.’ I said, throwing teabags into cups.

‘Where’s the fun in that? You’re not annoyed are you?’

‘No.’ I said, rubbing my temple. ‘No, I just – we could have gone a bit softer.’

‘My hand was on your waist.’ Ronit said incredulously.

‘You’ve been out of the community too long.’ I clicked the kettle on, appreciating the sound of the gentle searing steam. ‘And you’re forgetting the obvious problem.’

‘I haven’t forgotten… I just don’t care what they think.’

‘Well, I… do. Just a fraction.’

Ronit moistened her lips and huffed. ‘Okay, sorry. I’m sorry.’ She approached me and brought her arms around my neck, holding me close to her own warm body.

‘It’s okay. I just… I get scared.’

‘I know.’ She stroked my hair.

I don’t think she really knew the real reason. There were stories I had read; horror stories of former Jewish mothers having their children ripped away by their husbands, for far less than what I was doing. I would never speak of that to Ronit, she’d scoff and tell me I was speaking nonsense. I couldn’t tell her.

I returned to the frosty living room with hot tea. Daniel had been telling Dovid about his holiday, whilst Shayna sat on a stool rubbing her stomach. She didn’t look at either Ronit or me the whole evening.

‘We got a new house today.’ Daniel said, after he had spent a long time talking about his superhero with one leg.

I almost choked on my tea.

‘Did you?’ Dovid asked, stroking his dry beard.

‘Yep! Me and mummy and Ronit.’

Dovid looked up at me, though I tried desperately to act natural. Shayna shifted slightly in her seat, I could barely see her face over her stomach.

‘A new house?’ Dovid asked me.

‘It’s my flat.’ Ronit stepped in, I didn’t know if I was relieved or scared. ‘They came with me to see it. And Daniel claimed himself a room, didn’t you?’

‘Yep!’ Daniel said, deflating the tension in the room slightly. Ronit held her hand up to high-five Daniel, I heard Shayna exhale loudly through her nostrils.

I went back into the kitchen to prepare dinner; I normally let Dovid and Daniel have their alone time so this wasn’t unusual. I indicated for Ronit to follow me.

‘This is awful.’ I said, picking up the knife. ‘When we do move in with you, Dovid is going to know we just lied to him.’

‘Christ, I can’t tell the truth, I can’t lie.’ Ronit exclaimed under her breath.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry. This is difficult.’ I placed the knife down and held my head.

‘Esti, darling.’ Ronit stood behind me and kissed the nape of my neck. ‘Please, calm down.’

It was on the tip of my tongue then. Tell her, I thought. Just tell her. But I didn’t. I prepared dinner in silence as she offered to help and studied her new camera.

Around 8pm, the time Dovid normally left, I made my way into the living room to collect the cups. I heard Shayna’s muffled voice through the door.

‘Disgusting… he’s _your_ son… sinful.’

I felt the blood rush to my head and red blotches patterning my neck. I opened the door, Shayna’s voice ceased immediately.

‘It’s getting late, and he hasn’t eaten yet.’ I said, attempting poorly to disguise the tremble in my voice.

‘Of course.’ Dovid smiled faintly and hugged Daniel. He helped Shayna up from the sofa, and I had to hold back to urge to hit her.

How dare you speak like that in front of my son, I would have yelled. How dare you talk about made up things like sin and shame around him? How dare you judge his mother when his mind is so young and innocent that you could warp the free way in which he thinks?

But I didn’t do anything of the sort. I waved them off in silence and returned to dinner in silence. I let Ronit and Daniel eat and talk and involve me minimally. Ronit helped me put Daniel to bed and read him a story when I didn’t have the energy.

And when I went to bed that night, with Ronit’s knees curled up behind mine, her hands on my chest and her breath on my neck, I knew my worst fears were valid and I needed to address them before it was too late.


	2. The Lunch

In New York, we’d been happy. For the past week we’d been happy. Since Dovid and Shayna turned up, something had shifted. Esti’s mood became tense and uncertain; she started sleeping with her shoulders hunched up, and when I kissed her or tried to touch her, her back would stiffen and she’d seem almost sad about it.

I understood, I think, why she was acting like this. Because I felt the same, even though I pretended otherwise. I was being honest when I said I didn’t care what Shayna thought, fuck her. But Dovid was different, I did want him to be at least accepting of Esti and I. I never wanted to upset him, and I suppose if feelings could be controlled I would have never chosen to fall in love with his ex-wife. But the truth is, Esti and I had probably always been in love in one way or another. And that was a simple fact.

When Esti had barged past me to get to the door to greet them, I almost melted into the bedroom. I desperately wanted to hide away, to pretend I wasn’t there. But I thought I’d show Esti that I meant to be there, through good times and difficult times. But she had read the gesture wrong, I suppose.

We were gradually moving into the new flat, but still sleeping at Esti’s while she sorted out a new nursery for Daniel. Unpacked boxes lay strewn about and new furniture that we’d chosen together remained unbuilt. I got a call from Esti during the week. She was at school, I had been in the new flat all morning doing small, odd chores and ignoring the bigger ones.

‘Shayna’s had a baby girl.’ She said, sounding odd and quiet.

‘Okay,’ I replied, not knowing what to say. I doubted I’d ever be allowed to even see my new niece. ‘When is the _kiddush_? I’m assuming we're invited?'

‘Dovid wants Daniel to meet her.’ Esti said, ignoring my sarcasm.

‘Well, that was expected wasn’t it?’

‘What if he tries to get Daniel to… I don’t know. Yes, I suppose he should see her.’

I paused for a minute, in case she spoke again. ‘I’m in the flat.’ I said eventually. ‘Why don’t you come over at lunch? I’ll make something.’

‘I have a sandwich.’ Esti responded; I felt like she was watching something from afar, she sounded distant.

‘I’ll make something better than a sandwich.’

‘What will you make?’

‘Steak?’

She scoffed. ‘I’m not eating a steak for lunch.’

‘Soup?’

‘What flavour soup?’

‘Any flavour your heart desires.’ I yawned. 'But if your heart could desire carrot and coriander soup, that would be good.'

She exhaled a laugh from her nostrils. ‘To tell you the truth, I’m not hungry. But I’ll come back for an hour, to see you.’

It was around five past 12 when she turned up, unlocking the front door with her own set of keys. I was changing a few lightbulbs in the kitchen, standing precariously on a rickety stepladder.

‘Be careful Ronit.’

‘It’s fine.’ I said, reaching upwards and exposing my midriff. ‘Anita didn’t mention the lightbulbs would all burst after one pissing day, did she?’

Esti wandered over to me and put an arm around my leg, and kissed my calf through the light jeans I had on.

‘The lightbulbs were the only things out of your reach during the viewing.’ She said, her hand stroking down and reaching my ankle.

‘I always miss something. Here, help me down would you?’

She held out a hand and I edged my foot down each step slowly until they touched the cool floor.

‘Hello.’ I said, kissing her. She smiled briefly and then fell onto the sofa, rubbing her eyes with the balls of her hand. ‘How’s school?’

‘Tiring.’

‘And how’s Dovid? Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?’

‘No, thank you. Dovid is… he was fine actually. He sounded overjoyed.’

‘That’s good.’ I said, sitting next to her. I wanted to stroke her leg but I refrained. ‘That’s really good.’

She nodded and bit the inside of her cheek.

‘Esti,’ I took a breath. ‘What’s wrong?’

She laughed then, a nervous laugh. ‘You’re going to think I’m ridiculous.’

‘I’m sure I won’t.’

‘No, you will. I can’t tell you.’

‘Really?’ I was incredulous, running my fingers through my own hair while she nodded her head. ‘Well how can I make it better if I don’t know what’s wrong?’

‘You can’t make it better, it’s just… it’s in my head.’

‘Please tell me what’s wrong Esti, it might be the same thing that’s bothering me. We’re supposed to talk now… about these things.’

She took a long sigh through her nose, leaning forward and holding her head in her hands.

‘I’m scared… petrified actually…  that Dovid will try and take Daniel away from me, because… of us.’

I didn’t say anything for a moment, pursing my lips, opening them and closing them again.

‘You think I’m mad.’ Esti whispered.

‘No,’ I spoke with precision; this was a careful situation. ‘No, I don’t think you’re mad.’

‘Is that what’s bothering you?’ Esti asked, as if to say: _This is definitely_ not _what’s been bothering you._

‘Not exactly, but it’s in the same vein.’ Esti looked at me then, her questioning hazel eyes searching for an answer. ‘I mean, I’m worried that it’ll always be a problem. And our whole lives we’ll be living in this horrible, uncomfortable environment and Daniel will go between two parents with entirely different… and… that it’ll… I don’t know.’

‘No, no. That’s exactly it.’ Esti was facing me fully now, one of her legs curled underneath her. She was wearing black trousers today, and she hadn’t taken off her jacket which covered up her plain, blue blouse. ‘It’s like, we both thought we were out of it, but…’

‘… but as long as Dovid and Daniel have a relationship...’

‘Mm.’

‘You know that he’d never take Daniel away from you.’ I stroked her cheek with the back on my hand. ‘He might be an arsehole sometimes, but… I can’t see him ever doing… he would never hurt you like that.’

‘Thank you Ronit.’ She sniffed. ‘That makes me feel better.’

I put an arm around her and pulled her close; she wrapped herself around me, her face pressed into my neck. She had brought the smell of autumn in with her; the smell of cool air and fresh, crisp leaves falling to the ground. I thought we were just holding one another, but I felt her mouth open, her teeth grazed the skin just under my ear and her hand slid up my thigh.

I moved my mouth to meet hers; we kissed with gentle softness, it was almost teasing. I was just thinking that she’d stop soon when she opened her lips wider and her tongue deepened. She shifted her legs to straddle me, throwing her coat to the floor. I was suddenly desperate for her.

‘What about school?’

‘I’ve got time.’ She sighed.

She moaned into my mouth as my fingers unbuttoned her blouse and curved around the material of her bra.

Then it occurred to me, we were entirely alone. I wasn’t sure how long she had left but we couldn’t squander the first time in weeks we’d finally be able to indulge in one another without giving a thought to any one else. This would be special, I promised myself.

I unclasped her bra and she knelt up slightly so I could take her breast into my mouth. I felt her nipple stiffen under my tongue and she groaned again; a longing, yearning sound which forced a rush of energy down my torso. Her hands were either side of my head, very softly gripping and pulling my hair.

One of my hands was on her back; I felt the bones of her shoulders and rib cage moving as her hips slowly rocked; my other hand moved in between her legs but her trousers were obstructive. She stood up and ripped them off, revealing her smooth, white legs and immediately resuming her position on top of me. She brought her mouth back to mine hungrily, as though she had been starved of it. One of my hands resumed its place supporting her lower back as my other slipped into her underwear.

I gasped when I felt her; she was soft, swollen and so very wet.

‘Fuck.’ I couldn’t help but elongate the word as I exhaled.

‘I need you, Ronit.’ She whispered as her lips grazed mine; I could smell something sweet on her breath, like a cherry drop, or a sherbet lemon.

Two fingers slipped inside her easily and she cried out, breaking away from my lips for a moment. She continued to kiss me and grind slowly on my fingers, jutting her hips and moaning loudly. I noticed she was speeding up, my fingers were rocking harder inside her and I felt her tensing.

‘No, wait, stop.’ I panted, pulling my fingers from inside her.

‘Wha- why?’ She asked, her eyes crestfallen.

‘I want to – I want to draw it out.’

‘Oh.’ I saw her swallow; her naked chest was still rising and dropping.

‘Lay down.’ I ordered, stroking her cheek. She obeyed, throwing her underwear onto the growing pile of clothes on the floor. She was completely naked, in the stark light of the room she looked like a Greek statue. I wanted to get my camera so I could preserve the image, but that would have ruined the moment.

I kissed my way down her entire body, biting and sucking her skin where I knew she was sensitive; her nipples, her naval, her hips, the inside of her thighs. I paid every inch of her attention; my hands caressed the soft, pink soles of her feet and I kissed each of her toes. I worked up again, stopping where her legs met. She was trembling.

‘Ronit,’ she sounded on the verge of tears. ‘Please.’

‘Please what?’ I trailed a nail over her hip, and down her thigh.

‘Please,’ she repeated. ‘Please.’

‘Please what?’ I said again, this time my thumb lightly brushed her clit, making her jolt.

‘Please fuck me.’

Hearing her say the words sent me into a frenzy. I fell between her legs and took her into my mouth. I sucked her clit, rolled my tongue over it and circled it with my tongue until her entire body convulsed with pleasure. I slid my fingers inside her and curled them; I moved quickly and swiftly and soon after, I felt that she was on the verge again. With a final action, I held my fingers deep inside her and she came; it was loud, guttural and intense. Her nails dug into the skin of my back and she cried out my name.

I felt myself throbbing with desire but I didn’t draw any attention to it. I let her recover, with my head resting on her stomach.

‘Oh my God.’ She murmured. ‘Oh my God, oh my God.’

‘I love you Esti.’ I whispered, stroking the fine blonde hairs just below her naval.

‘I love you too.’

‘We’ll be okay, everything gets better in time.’

‘I know. And we’ve got each other now, so it’s already better than it’s ever been.’

‘That’s very true.’

There was a pause while she caught her breath and I tried not to focus on the burning in my groin.

‘Did you ever make that soup?’ Esti asked. ‘It’s just, I’ve worked up a bit of an appetite.’

I laughed, and she laughed. I warmed the soup on the cooker as she got dressed. She was just buttoning the last buttons on her blouse when I looked over at her and noticed, seemingly for the first time, how long her hair had grown.

‘I’m so glad you don’t wear that _sheitel_ anymore.’ I said, getting out the new soup bowls I’d bought.

‘I was thinking of getting one again.’ Esti said, evidently more relaxed now. ‘I miss the constant itching.’

‘Maybe we should both get one.’

‘One for every day of the week?’ Esti suggested.

‘Why not?’ I served up the soup and we ate it over the kitchen island.

Esti only ate half and then pushed it away. ‘I should get back now.’ She said, half yawning. ‘If Dovid wants to introduce his daughter and Daniel, what would you prefer?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, at my flat, here? I could suggest we take Daniel to them.’

‘You’d actually go back there?’ I enquired with a frown.

‘Just to take Daniel. He’s been there before, just never with me.’

‘Esti, in my truest, honest opinion… I think it would be a terrible idea if we turned up there together. It would be categorically awful.’

‘Right. You’re right. And if he comes here, we’ll…’

‘We’ll tell him that we’re living together, because we love each other.’ I paused. ‘If you can… ask him not to bring Shayna.’

‘That would be ideal.’ Esti agreed, staring into space. ‘She won’t want to be apart from her daughter though.’

‘Well she doesn’t want her husband’s son to be raised by a pair of raging lesbians either, but unfortunately that’s life.’

Esti’s head flew back as she laughed. ‘Having a serious conversation with you is always so interesting.’ She sighed and stalked towards me. ‘I’ll talk to Dovid. I have to go now though, I do.’

She leaned up and kissed my lips; her mouth was hot and peppery. ‘Thank you for lunch.’ I felt her arms around my waist.

‘You’re welcome,’ I kissed her back. ‘I wish you could stay for seconds.’

‘Aha. I wish I could too. Tonight, I’ll make _you_ lunch.’

‘A big lunch?’

‘A _huge_ lunch.’

‘Ooh, I’m excited.’

‘Me too.’ She smiled, showing me her beautiful teeth and perfect dimples. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too. Have a good afternoon.’

‘You too.’ She kissed me a final time and went to leave, grabbing her coat and bag as she did. ‘Oh, and please don’t use that stupid stepladder anymore, please. Promise me?’

‘I promise.’

‘Thank you. I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

And then she left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this and wanted to publish it before I go off the grid for a few days.
> 
> Thank you for your patience, your support and for your readership. You guys are all awesome x


	3. The Call

The afternoon went quickly, though I had to constantly stop myself from thinking about what happened at lunch. I could still feel Ronit’s touch on my skin, like in the summer when you can be out in the sun for mere minutes but the warmth continues for hours afterwards.

I was relieved when the final bell of the day rang out and hundreds of students poured from the gates. I was alone in my classroom toying with my phone, contemplating a call with Dovid. I always felt restricted talking to him, as though I automatically resumed the role of subservient wife even though that was long behind me.

I typed his number in slowly and the dial tone thrummed a few times, then a few times more, finally someone answered.

‘Dovid Kuperman.’ Dovid said, sounding stern.

‘Hello Dovid, it’s just me.’ I splayed my fingers out on the desk in front of me, tapping them quietly.

‘Esti,’ his tone changed, it was lighter. ‘How are you?’

‘I’m…’ I had another flash of Ronit. ‘Fine. I’m fine. I was just calling back to arrange Daniel and…’ My mind went blank.

‘We haven’t decided a name yet.’

‘No, of course not. It’s so early, have you got any names in mind?’

‘Rebecca, for Shayna’s mother. Or Jessica, for Yiska.’

Yiska was Dovid’s mother, a sickly rake of a woman who had died years ago; she was the Rav’s sister, Ronit’s aunt.

‘Both lovely names.’ I agreed. ‘Well, how does Saturday suit you? I thought perhaps if the weather’s nice we could meet in Mornington Park, or somewhere else? I don’t know where you’d want to take a newborn.’

‘Mornington sounds pleasant.’ Dovid said.

‘Good,’ I cleared my throat. ‘Why don’t we meet by the child’s park near the frog pond? Daniel loves it there.’

‘Of course.’ Dovid paused after that.

‘Should we say midday?’

‘Yes.’

It was difficult to gauge whether his stiffness was due to upset or if it was just his natural demeanor.

‘Dovid,’ I started, wanting to clear the air but immediately regretting it. ‘I feel as though I owe you an apology.’

‘Mm.’ Dovid said, undemonstrative of any feeling.   

‘I should have told you sooner – about Ronit. It happened so quickly, the whole thing.’

‘I understand Esti.’

‘You do?’ I asked, slightly surprised.

‘Not entirely, but I don’t harbour negativity towards it. I’m glad - if you’re happy.’

‘I - I am.’ I said.

‘And you’re… living together?’

‘Well,’ I started. I had to tell him, I had to be honest. ‘We will be; Ronit asked and we… Daniel and I – Daniel really does love her.’

‘I know.’ Dovid sounded like he was very softly chuckling. ‘He was telling me all about her on Saturday evening. He didn’t believe she was my cousin.’

I laughed with him, wiping the perspiration from my upper lip. ‘He’ll understand one day, I’m sure.’

‘I am happy, if you’re happy.’ Dovid continued. ‘But that being said…’ My stomach dropped. ‘I don’t think Ronit should come on Saturday.’ His words sounded strained, like he was speaking through gritted teeth.

‘I-’

‘For her sake and yours, more than anyone else’s.’

‘But-’

I could have said ‘you’re right Dovid’ or ‘yes definitely, it’ll cause more hassle than it’s worth’ or even ‘that’s great because Ronit probably doesn’t even want to come’ but I didn’t. Why should I? I’d spent my life hiding my feelings for her, why did I still need to? Ronit was one of the best things in my life, the thought of tucking her away for the rest of our lives, for what? Ronit was a gift, I couldn’t continue to conceal what she meant to me. If I conceded on that now surely, they’d expect it forever… the thought of it broke me. All of my fears dashed at that point.  

‘She’s your daughters’ aunt.’

‘That may be,’ Dovid was speaking in his low voice again, his explanatory voice. ‘I still don’t think-’

‘Ronit _will_ be coming on Saturday, Dovid. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to tell Shayna to face that fact.’

I hung up, blood throbbing in my ears and neck. I didn’t even know if Ronit wanted to come, but now she had to. Then I felt a sudden pain – one I’d been dreading since Ronit turned up – a cramp in my lower abdomen. My head snapped to the calendar next to me; it was right on time. On my way out of the school I went into the teachers’ toilet; I was greeted by a streak of scarlet in my underwear.

I scowled under my breath as I wiped it up and flushed it down, cursing my own repulsion at it. I put a pad on and left the school at speed, almost missing my bus. I hurried to Daniel’s nursery just as a flurry of rain passed over.

‘Ms Kuperman!’ The nursery attendant, Karen, darted to me, with her permanent grin plastered on her face. How she managed to retain that joyful energy all day was beyond my imagination. ‘Hello, hello. Unfortunately, Daniel was a little peaky this afternoon and he got a bit sick about ten minutes ago.’

‘Oh dear. Where is he now?’ I stepped into the nursery playroom, scanning the room.

‘He’s just having a lie down, but I’ll go and tell him that mummy’s here.’

She bobbed away and returned shortly afterwards with a sad looking Daniel. His skin was pasty white and his eyes, they looked so much like Ronit’s, were almost black against the paleness.

‘My poor boy.’ I leant down to pick him up. ‘Are you okay? How do you feel?’

‘I’m not well.’ He said, his voice sounded thick as though he was still trying to keep something down.

‘Let’s get you home then.’ I kissed his cheek which was burning hot. ‘Thank you, Karen.’

‘Ooh Ms Kuperman, sorry, before you go I just have to let you know that Daniel can’t come back to nursery for 48 hours.’ Her face was smiling, but she looked sorry. ‘It’s a bit of a new policy on…’ then she mouthed the words ‘diarrhea and vomiting’.

‘That’s fine,’ I said. ‘I understand. Thank you again.’

We left the nursery and walked the few streets to our flat; the rainclouds had cleared and the sky was a hazy shade of dark grey and pink. I held Daniel the whole way home, he had slumped against me talking in a high-pitched whine, which broke my heart.

I got the door open and was greeted by the smell of garlic and onions frying; my stomach growled loudly.

‘Hello!’ I heard Ronit shout from the kitchen. She came out to welcome us, wearing her hair back and dressed in a vest and pyjama trousers. She looked so comfortable and at home, it warmed me.

‘Hello.’ I greeted her back and she kissed me. ‘Daniels’s not very well.’

‘Well that’s not very good. What’s wrong Daniel?’

‘I got sick.’ He mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

‘Oh no.’ Ronit looked at me. ‘Does he need anything? I can run out and grab it.’

‘No, no. We should be okay, we’re prepared for these situations aren’t we baby? I just have to put him into bed.’

‘No dinner?’

‘I don’t think so.’ I hoisted Daniel to my other arm. ‘But I’ll have his portion.’

I got Daniel into bed after giving him some Calpol and water, he fell asleep almost instantly. I stroked his hot, clammy forehead for a little while, listening to his breathing and Ronit moving in the kitchen. I kissed his black hair a final time and left him to sleep.

‘How is he?’ She asked, pouring a tin of tomatoes into a sizzling pan.

‘He’s asleep already.’ I stood behind her, she was slightly taller than me so I could only kiss her shoulders. ‘He’s not allowed back to nursery for two days so I’ll most likely be murdered by Mrs Taylor for truancy next week.’

‘Eurgh, that old bat.’ Ronit had met Mrs Taylor a few times, when she had waited in reception for me after school. She turned to me and stroked a few strands of my hair behind my ear. ‘Why doesn’t Daniel stay home with me?’

‘What?’

‘Well, if you need to go to school… it seems silly for you to take time off when I’m free to look after him.’

‘But…’ it seemed ridiculous but at the same time it made perfect sense. Three years of caring for Daniel, using up my own sick leave and holiday for him and now I actually had someone to help me. And not just anyone, someone I trusted most in the world.

‘It’s… it’s incredibly kind of you to offer but sick Daniel is very different to healthy Daniel.’

‘I’m sure I’ll cope.’ She smiled. ‘Just tell me what medicine he needs and when, and I’ll take care of him.’

‘But don’t you have plans?’

Ronit laughed and turned back to the hob, stirring the aromatic sauce she was making with a wooden spoon. ‘Just putting off errands at the other flat, but I can procrastinate here.’

‘If you’re sure.’

‘I’m certain. I don’t want Mrs Taylor to murder you.’ She turned the cooker right down.

‘Thank you Ronit.’ I kissed her shoulder again.

‘For what? Not wanting a haggard witch to kill you?’

‘No,’ I laughed then. ‘Thank you for everything.’

We ate dinner together, Ronit had made a pasta dish with a homemade tomato sauce with fresh basil and oregano. It was delicious; I had two helpings even though I had only been joking about eating Daniel’s. We washed up together and sat on the sofa. There was a programme on television about a political scandal that happened years ago; neither of us watched it. Ronit was stroking my leg as we drank our tea.

‘I spoke to Dovid earlier.’ I said, blowing out the steam which dissipated into the air above us. 

‘Oh? Did you organise your…’

‘We did. Saturday in Mornington Park.’

‘Wonderful. Hopefully Daniel will be better.’

‘Hopefully Dovid actually shows up.’

‘Why wouldn’t he show up?’

‘I hung up on him.’

Ronit screwed up her forehead, then she laughed a little. ‘Why did you do that?’

‘Well, he told me first that he was… happy for me… about us. But then he told me that – despite that, I shouldn’t bring you on Saturday… to see his daughter.’

‘Wow. He said that?’

‘Mm.’ I sipped the hot tea; oddly, I felt so tranquil despite everything that was going on. ‘I told him that you would be coming and that he’d have to tell Shayna to deal with it.’

Ronit’s laughter shook the threadbare couch we were on. ‘I don’t believe that. You never said that.’

‘I did.’ I felt a smile creeping on my face.

‘Jesus.’ Ronit exclaimed, her fingers trailing to my ankle. ‘What have I done to you?’

‘He needed to hear it. I feel bad though, it’s not him. It’s-’

‘Shayna. I know.’ Ronit yawned. ‘She might be a little more bearable if it weren’t for the homophobia but no. She’s boring _and_ she’s a bigot.’

‘I’m not even sure if you wanted to come, I’m sorry.’

‘I could take it or leave it. I probably would have come just for you.’

She made me smile reflexively; I wondered then how I got so lucky. Was this a reward for decades of patience and denial? Whatever it was, I couldn’t measure the bliss of being able to talk to her, to confide in her, to touch her. I moved my foot to stroke her leg.

‘I still owe you lunch.’ I said over the rising steam of my cup.

‘You do.’

‘Are you hungry?’ I raised my foot higher, trailing her inner thigh.

She took a sharp breath as I reached her. ‘I’m starving.’

Our tea grew cold on the coffee table as we kissed our way into the bedroom. I navigated the whole thing carefully, never giving her an opportunity to touch me, to accidentally feel the pad lining my underwear. I tried to take my time in order to emulate Ronit earlier on, but I wasn’t as patient as she was. When I heard her gasp, I couldn’t hold back; when she moaned quietly I lost my bearing and went faster. She came quietly; I felt awful because what she had given me was far better than what I could give her now. She seemed happy enough though as she lay there, breathless and smiling.

‘I love you.’ She spoke and kissed my hand. ‘I love you so much.’

I stroked her hair, my legs strategically crossed and to the left side of her body; I had left my pyjama bottoms on. ‘I love you too.’

She sat up and guzzled some water, sighed and then laid back down in my arms. ‘Where do you want to go most in the world?’

She would often come out with these random questions; off the cuff, spontaneous questions that had been some way or another simmering under the surface and normally had deeper meanings or motives.

‘For a long time, it was New York.’

‘You’ve done that now. Where next?’

‘You’re going to laugh at me.’ I said, stroking her forehead and looking down into her eyes.

‘I promise I won’t.’

‘It’s so cliché.’

‘I love cliché!’

I waited before I spoke, wondering what she’d say in response to my answer.

‘Paris.’ I mumbled.

‘Paris?’

She let me continue stroking her, laying completely still with her bare legs still splayed on the bed. Eventually she said ‘That makes a lot of sense actually.’

‘Does it?’

‘Yes, totally makes sense.’

‘How so?’

‘Paris is romantic, you’re romantic. Paris is complex, beautiful, pure and full of surprises. It’s very you.’

I didn’t say anything, I wanted her to continue. I loved hearing her speak about anything, I wanted to indulge in the sound of her voice.

‘We can go to Paris you know, we can take the Eurostar or a plane; we can go for a weekend. Next weekend?’

‘We can’t just go to Paris.’ I laughed sleepily, suddenly feeling the weight of my eyelids.

‘Of course we can, why not?’ She leant up on her elbows and looked at me.

‘Okay, okay, tell me what we’d do in Paris then.’ I requested, pulling the duvet up to my waist. Ronit slid under it as well, she pressed her chest against my back, her knees moved into the crook of my legs and her arm enveloped me; I took her hand in mine as she kissed the back of my neck.

‘We’d arrive late afternoon,’ her soft voice gently painted a picture in my mind; one of wide, colourful brushstrokes on a blank canvas. ‘And we’d be hungry when we got there, so we’d head to the _Café de Lyon_ , you’d order a hot chocolate and a croissant, I’d order a cappuccino and pain au chocolat and Daniel would try to order a hot dog.’

In my sleepy haze, I chuckled. I also felt a surge of emotion, that when she had said ‘we’ could go to Paris, she had meant Daniel as well.

‘After we’d eaten,’ she continued, her voice growing lower as tiredness took hold of her. ‘We’d stroll along the Seine, we’d watch the boat tours go by and the air would have that Parisian smell to it, like butter and flowers. The Eiffel Tower would stretch above us, but you wouldn’t want to go up it because of your fear of heights.’

I laughed again, but I was drowsy now, stumbling over the cusp of unconsciousness. Ronit continued until I fell asleep, I think she had just mentioned snails for dinner when I took a deep breath and fell into a dream.

 

I woke with a start. It was pitch black and Ronit’s arms were still around me; for some reason my heart was racing. I peered into the darkness of the room as I pulled on the t-shirt I’d thrown onto the floor a few hours before.

‘Mummy.’ Daniel’s voice shook me.

‘Daniel?’ I flicked the lamp next to me and sat up, making Ronit jump. ‘What’s wrong darling?’

‘I got sick.’ Daniel said, his eyes were streaming and his face was no longer pale, but bright red.

‘Oh baby, come here.’ I noticed there was a trail of vomit down his pyjama top; I picked him up and he slumped over my shoulder. ‘Let’s get you clean, did you need to be sick some more?’

Daniel nodded and rubbed his eyes. ‘I don’t like it.’

‘No darling, it’s okay. You’ll feel better soon.’

I took him into the bathroom and placed him in front of the toilet, where he promptly convulsed and threw up huge amounts of thick vomit.

‘Darling.’ I rubbed his back and held his stomach. I saw the little veins in his neck as he strained and coughed. I heard footsteps in the hallway. Ronit walked past the door, holding an armful of bedding.

‘It’s okay, it’s okay. Do you think that was the last of it?’

Daniel nodded again. ‘Feel bit better.’ He said, wiping his mouth.

‘Good, okay, let’s just get you some water and brush your little teeth again? Can’t go to bed with sicky teeth, can we?’

He brushed his teeth and rinsed his mouth out, then we headed into his bedroom where Ronit was just fluffing up a fresh duvet. His old bedding was in a pile next to her.

‘There was a bit of sick on the bed.’ She said, smiling. ‘But it’s all clean now.’

‘Thank you.’

She waved off my gratitude and picked up the soiled bedding. ‘It’s nothing. I hope you feel better Daniel.’ She touched his hair and left, I heard her go into the kitchen and open the washing machine. I picked out a new top for Daniel and dressed him.

‘Okay baby, ready for nice, clean bed?’

‘Mmhm.’ Daniel climbed in and laid down, one side of his face sinking into the pillow. ‘It’s cold. Nice.’ He fell asleep again, very quickly. I waited with him until his breathing evened out, I put a few teddies behind him to ensure he stayed on his side. When I was sure he was deeply sleeping, I picked up his stained pyjamas and left. Ronit had left the machine open but had filled it with the conditioner and adjusted to the right settings. I popped in the clothes, closed the door and clicked it on.

I made my way into the bedroom where Ronit was.

‘Thank you.’ I whispered again as I climbed in next to her, but she was already asleep.


	4. The Park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with the topic of 'niddah'; in Judaism this means a woman during menstruation or a woman who has menstruated and has not undertaken the required immersion/purification process. I have tried to write the subject with delicacy, but I ask that you read with an open mind. 
> 
> And as always, I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Thank you for your comments, kudos and for reading.

Esti left Daniel to sleep in the morning.

‘I won’t wake him up just to tell him he can stay in bed.’ She said making an instant coffee in her travel mug.

‘That makes sense.’ I replied, sitting at the table still unshowered and still in my nightclothes. We were both quite tired, but she looked surprisingly perky. ‘You look beautiful today.’

‘Stop it.’ She said, but I saw her smile.

‘You do. I wish I had had teachers that looked like you.’

‘Well, now you’re with a teacher that looks like me.’

‘That’s true; that’s far better actually.’ I yawned. ‘So, what’s the medicine situation?’

‘7.5ml of Calpol, so that’s a 5ml measure and a 2.5ml measure-’

‘Oof, I’m glad you told me how to work that out. God, I would have struggled.’

She stared at me, still with a smile. ‘Up to four times a day. When he has a fever, or pain. If he’s just feeling nauseous try and get him to sleep, or distract him. _Paw Patrol_ always works.’

‘And that’s it?’

‘Yes, and lots of water – if he can stomach it.’

‘Okay, well in that case, we should be fine.’

‘Are you still sure you want to take care of him? I can still call in…’

I stood up and walked to her. ‘As much as I’d love for you to stay at home,’ I hugged her to me; her hair, still damp from the shower, smelt like berries. ‘You should go to school, we’ll be fine.’

‘Thank you so much Ronit.’

‘And stop thanking me. This is… just us now. It’s what we do, isn’t it?’

‘I suppose it is.’ She said, her voice slightly muffled as she spoke into my neck.

I pulled away and kissed her. ‘Have a good day.’

‘You too, please keep me updated.’

‘I will.’

She kissed me then; a lingering, smooth kiss where her tongue very gently pressed against mine. I couldn’t help but groan a bit.

‘Actually,’ I said, slightly stumbling into her. ‘Maybe you could stay here.’

Esti laughed, and pecked my lips. ‘I’m afraid it’s too late now. But I love you, and I’ll see you later.’

She grabbed her coffee, squeezed my hand and then left. I heard the front door click shut and made myself a coffee. Daniel eventually woke up later in the morning, threw up a little bit but then acted quite chipper. I set him up a makeshift bed on the couch and gave him medicine, water and some dry toast which he occasionally nibbled.

I text Esti updates throughout the day as she requested but they were quite infrequent; Daniel was getting better with every hour and by the time Esti got home that evening, he was the normal, frantic ball of energy he always was.

‘It must be you.’ Esti said, watching Daniel scoff down his dinner. ‘Everything you touch turns to gold.’

‘I think you’re vastly overestimating my capabilities.’

‘More please.’ Daniel said, his face covered in sauce.

 

That night in bed, I put my hand in between Esti’s legs but she pulled away sharply.

‘I’m sorry, I’m just so tired.’ She explained, pulling me into an embrace. ‘Can you just hold me?’

‘Of course.’ I replied, feeling slightly unsettled. I held her, and we fell asleep, but my sleep was jerky and disrupted. I dreamt of Dovid and Shayna and Esti, losing keys to the new flat and being late for my first day at my new job; it was as though all of my anxieties built up at that moment. I woke up exhausted.

Esti went off again in the morning, looking stunning and leaving Daniel and I to our day. We watched a lot of cartoons; I was in a strange mood and was actively trying not to think about anything, so it was a nice relief. We watched some old Looney Tunes cartoons and laughed together; and at one point we both fell asleep on the sofa until Esti came back.

I hadn’t heard her arrive; I only woke up because I sensed a new presence in the room, a sudden awareness of change. I peeled open my eyes and she was sat in the chair opposite us, watching and smiling.

‘Hi.’ She whispered.

‘Hi.’ I said, sitting up and loosening Daniel from under my arm. ‘We fell asleep.’

‘I know.’ She replied. ‘It’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.’

It was strange, but I woke up from my nap craving a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked for almost three years but the thought of seeing Dovid and Shayna and potentially others again brought it back to me and I couldn’t shake it.

‘Was it Mornington Park you said we’re meeting tomorrow?’ I asked Esti as I made dinner again; sticky barbecue chicken with crispy roasted potatoes and leafy green salad.

‘It was.’ She was doing some colouring on the table with Daniel. ‘That smells incredible.’

‘It’s just that’s awfully close to the radius of that…’ I was aware of Daniel so I paused, ‘place.’

‘I know, but I thought it would be nice to-’

‘We should probably prepare ourselves in case we see anyone else. I just remember that’s where Fruma’s walking group met a few years ago.’

‘Daniel,’ Esti said after a moment. ‘Do you want me to put cartoons on?’

‘Yes please!’ Daniel jumped off his chair and ran into the living room, Esti followed him and returned a few minutes after.

‘Ronit, are you okay?’ She rested a hand on my lower back.

‘Yes, I’m fine.’

‘I don’t think you are.’ She spoke innocently, not in a prying way but in a soothing, caring one.

‘I just – I’m a bit nervous about everything I think. It all just hit me. The flat, the job, the possibility of seeing… people. It makes my skin crawl.’

‘We won’t see anyone.’ She put a hand on my cheek, forcing me to face her. ‘I promise.’

‘Also, I really want a cigarette.’

‘Oh,’ Esti said, taken aback. ‘Well, go and get some.’

‘Mm. I think I will. Would you mind keeping an eye on dinner? Do you want anything?’

‘No, I’m fine.’

I grabbed my coat and left the flat; it was cold outside, and the pavements were soaked with rain. I enjoyed the walk to the shop, and I enjoyed smoking two cigarettes on the way back even more. The feel of the thick, toxic air filling up my lungs took away some of the tension that had lodged there. When I got back, Esti had already served Daniel’s dinner.

‘I was waiting for you.’ Esti said, her shoulders arched slightly.

We ate quietly, and after we’d finished I cleaned everything up and my guilt forced me to reject her help. She put Daniel to bed while I ran a bath for her.

‘I’m sorry.’ I muttered as she wrapped a dressing gown around her slender figure; I noticed the lace of her underwear she was wearing and forced down any feelings of arousal.

‘It’s okay.’

‘No, it’s not really. I’m just not used to it. I forgot, that you’re still close to it all and it stresses me out.’

‘In that case, I should be sorry.’

‘No, you shouldn’t.’

‘I should. I probably should have been more explicit.’

‘You didn’t need to be explicit, I realised... I knew. It’s just… adjusting to it all.’

‘Are you sure you want to adjust?’

‘Esti,’ I took her hand as she tried to turn away from me. ‘Of course I do. Why else would I be here?’

Her eyes were facing down, her lips pursed together. ‘We’ll get through tomorrow. It’ll be fine, we won’t see anyone.’

‘Okay, I trust you.’ I tried to smile at her, but her eyes still wouldn’t meet mine.

‘My bath is getting cold.’ She tugged her fingers lightly from my grip and left for the bathroom. I felt a small sinking in my chest and flopped onto the bed. I sighed, loud enough that I felt a release but quiet enough that Esti wouldn’t hear me.

We would get through tomorrow, and then we’d go back to normal. I would adjust, we would be a team; together we were capable of everything.

Later on, I was fading in and out of a doze and Esti returned from the bath. She brought warmth and the smell of lavender with her. I was hoping she would hug me, so when she pressed her body against mine, I exhaled with joy. I felt the silkiness of her skin and the pressure of her arms around me. I slept soundly.

* * *

 

The next morning, I woke with a noxious feeling in my stomach but I smoked it away. I had a cigarette on the way to the tube station with Esti and Daniel, another two walking through the park before we met Dovid and Shayna and another several throughout the day.

‘What’s that?’ Daniel asked, pointing to the first cigarette. We were on our way to get the tube, it was another chilly day so Esti and Daniel were both wrapped up in coats, hats and gloves. I was just wearing a coat and a scarf.

‘It’s very disgusting and bad adult stuff.’ I replied, relishing the taste of the tobacco on my tongue.

‘Smells.’ Daniel said, so I walked a few paces behind the pram.

‘It smells good.’ Esti whispered back to me, a coy smile reaching across and touching the dimples in her cheek. I held out the cigarette for her, but she declined. ‘Maybe later.’

We rode the empty tube all the way to Islington, Esti held my hand; it felt more engaged and supportive than normal which was pleasantly uplifting. But when we reached the park, the same noxious feeling had bubbled up into anxiety. I stared at every passerby dreading it would be someone I recognised, my head snapping all around me as we walked through the park towards the frog pond.

I saw Dovid first, standing next to the fountain with his straggly beard and _kippah_ looking like a caricature of himself. Shayna was seated on a picnic table a few feet away, leaning into a huge, fifties-style pram. She had deflated a considerable amount, but as we moved closer I saw that she still had a slight bulge. In fact, in the bright, low sun of the day I could see a lot more of her and Dovid. I could see strands of grey hair in Dovid’s beard, I saw the sallow tinge under his eyes; Shayna’s skin was pockmarked, and her features looked so long it was as though she had been originally made of dough and then stretched out.

‘Good morning.’ Esti said, as she reached them a minute before I did.

‘Good morning. Hello my son.’ Dovid leant down to Daniel’s height, he was smiling broadly.

‘Daddy!’ Daniel leant into Dovid as Esti and I sat down opposite Shayna on the bench. I put my hand on Esti’s leg, knowing no one would see.

‘Would you like to meet your sister?’ Dovid asked, his teeth showing beneath his bushy facial hair.

‘Yes!’ Daniel’s eyes widened as Dovid got him out from his own pram.

‘Shayna, get her out please.’ Dovid was holding Daniel, who was trying to see into the pram. Shayna nodded dutifully and lifted a huge, wide-eyed, red-faced baby from it; she was draped in a hideous floral nightie that was too big for her and was wearing a soft cloth pink bonnet on her head. I scoffed and then quickly had to pretend I was coughing.

‘Wow. She looks angry.’ Daniel said, which was met by a small laugh from everyone.

‘Have you decided a name yet?’ Esti asked Dovid, I think she’d long given up trying to talk to Shayna.

‘We’re revealing it tomorrow.’ Dovid said, lowering Daniel to see the baby closer.

‘I like Jessica, for Yiska.’ Esti continued. ‘You can already see that she’s inherited Yiska’s eyes.’

‘Well as long as she doesn’t inherit Yiska’s moustache.’ I said, immediately wondering why I did so. Esti lowered her head slightly, was she laughing? Shayna definitely wasn’t and Dovid did a good job of ignoring me if he did hear.

‘Is she old?’ Daniel asked. ‘She looks old.’

‘No,’ Dovid laughed. ‘She has only been in the world for four days.’

Daniel screwed up his forehead. ‘That’s weird.’

I could see where he was coming from; the baby did look about eighty years old, but I wasn’t about to say that, or was I?

‘Does anyone want a drink?’ Esti asked. ‘I’m just going to get some tea.’

‘No, thank you.’ Dovid replied.

Shayna shook her head once, and Daniel was too busy looking at the baby to answer her.

‘I’ll have a tea; I’ll come with you.’ I said, moving to stand.

‘No, no, it’s okay. I can get them.’ Esti spoke hurriedly, grabbed her bag and shuffled off. I turned back to Shayna who had been staring at me; I then looked again for Esti, who was bypassing the café and heading in the direction of the public toilets.

‘Daddy can we feed ducks now?’

‘Of course we can, I brought lettuce this time.’ Dovid grabbed a ziplock bag of wilted lettuce from his pocket. ‘Shall we bring the baby?’

‘Yeah, yeah!’

‘No.’ Shayna said, I had forgotten what her voice sounded like. It was deeper and crisper than I remembered. She was glaring at Dovid. ‘Not near the water.’

Dovid looked back to Daniel. ‘She’s right, isn’t she? Lead the way my boy.’

They wandered towards the fountain and over the small bridge to the lake. Daniel was talking nonsense and Dovid was responding well; it was odd seeing him interact with a child when I couldn’t remember him being much of a child himself. I could still see them but try as I might, I couldn’t keep my neck twisted towards them for long. I dragged my vision back to the picnic table, back to Shayna and the eighty-year-old baby. We were in silence for a long while, the sounds of children screaming, seagulls squawking and ducks quacking floating around our heads. I was just wondering where the hell Esti had got to when I heard Shayna’s voice.

‘It’s immoral what you two are doing.’

‘Ah! You _can_ see me!’ She was staring at me; her eyes bore into mine. ‘I was starting to worry about your vision, Shayna.’

‘It’s wrong.’ She said, ignoring me. ‘Your cousin is weak to let it continue. But it won’t go on for much longer, I can assure you.’

I didn’t say anything immediately. I wondered whether I was going to say it, as it played in my head. The words I’d been longing to say since I found out Shayna had married Dovid. My head tilted to the side as I weighed it up.

‘Shayna,’ I started; I was going to say it. ‘Do you really think I’ve forgotten?’

She pulled back a bit, dipped her chin and her pallid cheeks grew slightly red.

‘I – I don’t-’

‘You do! You really thought I had forgotten.’ I was smiling, now praying Esti, Dovid and Daniel wouldn’t return for a while, so I could enjoy this. ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ I turned in a direction that would avoid the baby and lit a cigarette. ‘Oh, I do remember what you did, or tried to do at least. Quite vividly. We were seventeen, weren’t we? Behind the _mechitzah_ … your lips pushing against mine. Your sloppy hands all over m-’  

‘You haven’t told her, have you?’ Shayna’s face was ghostly white.

‘God, no. Christ, what would I say? That you and I almost had a fumble that only stopped because I pushed you away? No, I’d quite happily not tell anyone Shayna, but you know… if you push me to it, I might slip up. Soon, the _whole_ community might know what you tried to do in the blessed space of the synagogue. They might all start wondering why I’m turning up at your house, lingering around you, picking off Dovid’s wives one by one.’ I took a long drag.

‘I was young.’ Shayna said, attempting to sound brave. ‘No one will believe it anyway.’

‘That might be the case.’ I exhaled, blowing grey smoke above me. ‘But I know those people. And I know they don’t need something to be true to talk about it.’

She was quiet for a minute. I could almost see steam coming off her head. ‘It was nothing anyway! I just heard you were a dyke so I-’

‘Thought you’d have a go?’ I laughed. ‘God you’re such a hypocrite.’ I threw the cigarette to the floor and stepped on it. I could see Esti in the distance, returning with a tray of tea.

‘Just remember,’ I spoke quietly. ‘That you have your child now, and Esti has hers. You don’t want to get greedy.’

Shayna’s face was a picture, I actually would have loved to get a photo of it, but I felt like that would have been pushing it slightly.

‘I’m not a dyke you know.’ She murmured.

‘I don’t care.’ I stood up to meet Esti. ‘And it’s not ‘dyke’ it’s ‘lesbian’. ‘Dyke’ is offensive.’

Esti returned, frowning as though she was worried.

‘I bought tea for everyone.’ She rested the tray on the table, her voice made my heart swell.

‘Thank you darling.’ She sat next to me and I kissed her cheek. She looked shocked, but I was smiling. I felt Shayna’s eyes on us both but for the first time in two days I felt calm. We drank our tea as Daniel and Dovid mostly talked, my eyes occasionally met Shayna’s and she turned them away quickly. I held Esti’s knee under the table, stroking and trailing my fingers around it.

‘What were you and Shayna talking about? Earlier?’ Esti asked me as we strolled back to the tube station to go home.

‘Old times.’ I replied, holding hands with Daniel.

‘That’s odd. Did she say anything?’

‘No, and I don’t think she will…I don’t think she’ll try anything. She loves her old lady baby.’

‘You’re awful.’ Esti said, shaking her head but laughing.

‘I know.’ I picked Daniel up and put him on my shoulders; he shrieked with joy and giggled as we skipped along the pavement.

 

Later that evening, after a dinner of fish and chips, the three of us sat on the sofa watching television. I was sat on the edge, Esti huddled under my arm and Daniel asleep on top of her. I was just starting to fall into a doze myself when Esti lifted Daniel up to put him to bed.

‘Come on cherub.’ She said, kissing his head. She was away for a while, I heard her cooing him back to sleep and eventually she emerged again, resuming her place on the sofa under my arm.

She leant up to face me, and I kissed her soft lips. She kissed me back.

‘I had a good day today.’ I admitted.

‘It wasn’t that bad, was it? I think Daniel enjoyed himself.’

‘I think so. Dovid is good with him, isn’t he?’

‘He really is.’ I saw her go to speak again, but she stopped herself. ‘You’re fantastic as well.’

‘No,’ I went to say.

‘You are.’ She looked up again. ‘I know I say it a lot now, but I really do love you.’

‘I love you too.’

Our lips met again, it was slow, but her tongue was forceful. I raised a hand to hold her cheek, my other moving around her waist. She moved into me, her knee raised up. I breathed slightly heavier and she pulled away.

‘Do you think we could have that cigarette?’ She asked, breathless.

‘Ye- yeah, sure.’

We smoked out on the balcony, overlooking the grey carpark of Esti’s building. There was a main road quite close by, and we watched the cars speeding past under the navy-blue sky.

‘This is delicious.’ Esti said, blowing smoke from her pink lips.

‘It’s always so funny seeing you smoke.’

‘Why?’

‘Because, you’re Esti. I remember the first cigarette I ever offered you.’

‘Don’t.’

‘You were so scared.’

‘Stop it.’

‘You asked me if it would kill you.’ I laughed and pulled her closer to me. She moved the cigarette away from us, letting it burn down.

‘Well, it _will_ kill us.’

‘Everything kills us eventually.’ I kissed her, the taste of smoke on her breath impelled something in my lower abdomen, my hand automatically lowered to the button of her trousers. She pulled away from me.

‘Not out here.’ She took another drag of the cigarette and turned away from me, stubbing it out onto the brick wall behind her. I followed her inside the flat and into the living room. I tried getting her against the wall, but she turned awkwardly out of it and then pressed me against it instead. She kissed me hard, her hand moving down and tugging at the waistband of my leggings. I moved my hand back to her button, but she arched away.

‘Esti.’ I spoke even though her lips were still pressed against mine. ‘Esti, stop.’

Eventually she conceded. ‘What?’

‘What’s wrong? Why won’t you let me…’ I was whispering, but my voice was breaking.

She huffed a few times, her face buried in her hands. ‘I’m… I’m _niddah_.’

I took a step back, knocking into the sofa. ‘You’re what?’

‘ _Niddah_ , I’m _niddah_. It’s my – it’s my time of the-’

‘No, no. I know what _niddah_ means, but why are you calling yourself that?’

‘Because I am.’

‘Jesus Christ, Esti. You’re not… you’re… not. Fucking hell.’

‘Please don’t be angry.’ She muttered, her chin was almost touching her chest, she wouldn’t look at me.

‘Darling, darling I’m not angry.’ I stepped towards her and tried to hold her face. ‘Darling, I’m not. It’s just… that’s ridiculous. You’d be… if you were still under Dovid’s roof, or practicing, but you’re not.’

‘I know.’ I strained to hear her voice. ‘I know, it’s just…’

‘It’s what?’

‘It’s disgusting.’

‘Well… I have them. Does that make me impure? Am I disgusting?’

‘No. Of course not.’

‘Well, what’s the difference?’

‘I don’t – I know it doesn’t make sense Ronit. It’s just strange, that’s all.’

‘It’s not strange; it’s natural. It’s beautiful.’ I kissed her forehead and pulled her towards me. ‘It’s pure and real.’ I kissed her shoulders and her neck. ‘It’s life. Please, let me show you. Will you let me?’

She paused, trying to chew on her fingernails. ‘I do want it, so badly.’

‘Let me, and we can stop… if you hate it.’

She bowed her head and we moved into the bedroom. I closed the door quietly behind me, so that we were shrouded in darkness and could only see the pale outline of each other’s bodies. She undressed, I could just make out the curve of her breasts and the dip of her hips as she laid back on the bed. I was nude as well, I climbed over her and felt her skin press against mine. Our bodies moulded together as we kissed each other deeply; I moved a hand down. She was still wearing underwear, but I tucked my hand inside it. She whimpered into my mouth as both of her hands held my neck.

I kept my lips on hers as I slid inside her, trying to make contact with her eyes, but I couldn’t see them even though we were so close. She was wet, and let out a small, tender groan.

‘It’s so sensitive.’ She whispered.

‘I know. I’ll go slow.’ And I did, I moved in time with the arch of her hips and the release of her breath into my face and neck. Every now and then, she’d inhale briefly and let out a long, quiet sigh. At one point, I felt her tears moisten my cheek.

‘Faster.’ She said, catching me by surprise. ‘Please.’

I obeyed, and her arms wrapped firmer around me, one of her legs slid around my back and pulled me closer into her.

‘Faster.’ She whimpered again, desperately.

I curled my fingers as fast as I could, and after a few seconds I felt her body tense. Her back domed on the bed and she thrust into me. I could just make out that her mouth was open, and her breast was heaving.

‘Fuck.’ She murmured, again startling me. I pulled out of her and rested my head on her chest, but she pulled me to her and kissed me feverishly. ‘I love you. I love you. I love you.’

‘I love you too.’ I wiped the wetness on my fingers on the sheet below us, knowing it would stain the sheets but not caring. I held her close to me; she fell asleep with her head on my chest, and her leg wrapped around me.


	5. The Move

We had to wait for the next weekend to move into the new flat. Daniel and I managed to get all of our belongings into three suitcases, but with the addition of Ronit’s things that had just arrived from New York, we were soon packing five extra suitcases and three large boxes into the back of a moving truck that Ronit had hired.

‘You have too many things.’ I told her as we watched two burly men heaving them from the back of the container and carrying them into the new flat. She was leaning against the iron gates in front of the small concrete garden, smoking; a habit she’d returned to. I watched her as she held the cigarette elegantly between her fore- and middle fingers; I could see the veins in the back of her hand, just proud of the surface of her skin.

‘You can never have too many things.’ She blew the smoke away from us and smirked at me. ‘Are you going to make me cull it all?’

‘Not at all.’ I said, wincing as one of the delivery men stumbled backwards and fell against the lorry. ‘I want you to come to that conclusion on your own.’

That made Ronit laugh. ‘I’m sure I will get rid of some of it. I didn’t have time to go through everything in New York, it was easier to ship it all here.’

‘How is Billy enjoying your apartment by the way?’

‘He sends me frequent updates; normally worried ones. Yesterday he told me he had a party and a lamp got smashed.’ She took another drag of her cigarette; I wanted to take it from her and take a long pull on it myself, but I was holding Daniel. ‘He was terrified it was mine, but it just came with the apartment.’

‘He sounds like an honest tenant.’

‘Oh, he’s a lovely guy. A bit egotistical and stupid, but we all are at that age, aren’t we?’

‘I wasn’t.’

‘You were quite the anomaly.’ She reached out and held my hand. I realised then that I didn’t think I would ever get used to the casual way in which she touched me. Perhaps I would one day, but it was still surreal for now. She threw her cigarette to the ground; I looked at it longingly as it rolled towards the road. She continued talking, ‘Did I ever tell you about the time I almost went to a mad house party at Billy’s?’

‘No,’ I said, still staring at the cigarette. ‘Were you trying to be hip and cool?’

‘I don’t know what I was trying to do. God, can you imagine what I’d have looked like? A middle-aged woman embarrassing herself in front of a bunch of drunk twenty-year olds. Definitely not hip and cool.’

‘ _I_ think you’re hip and cool.’ I stroked her hand with my thumb. She was just about to reply when one of the delivery men called her name.

‘Ooh, one second.’ She hurried away towards the truck. ‘Why don’t you both go inside?’ She turned back. ‘Put the kettle on?’

I did as she said; it was cold outside, and Daniel was only wearing one layer. We wandered into the warm flat. I saw an ocean of boxes sitting unpacked, the unmade furniture that Ronit said she would definitely get around to building and the sofa covered in stray bits of plastic and card. The sofa still gave me a shiver when I thought about what happened there not two weeks ago.  

I put the kettle on and got some mugs ready, but Ronit was still outside so I left the tea to brew. When she eventually arrived, we sat on the floor and drank it lukewarm whilst studying the room around us; Daniel entertained himself with a box of his toys.

‘I wish you could hire people to unpack for you. Do you think you can do that?’ Ronit asked, pulling her phone from her pocket.

‘Ronit.’ I very lightly scolded her.

‘What?’

‘We can do this, it’ll be fun.’ I put a hand on her knee. ‘Also, I want to snoop on all of your things.’

Ronit laughed and fell back against a giant, black suitcase that I could probably have fit into. ‘Oh dear, should I be worried?’

‘You tell me.’

We started unpacking, starting with Daniel’s room. We filled his cupboards and drawers with his clothes, put toys into the chest at the end of his bed, put new _Paw Patrol_ bedding on that Ronit had bought him and placed all of his books onto the small shelf in the corner. We both took a step back after we’d finished, I rested my head against her shoulder.

‘This is so gorgeous.’ I sighed, taking in the beauty of it and watching Daniel play on his new bed. ‘He’s always deserved a room like this, I just…’ I turned to her, melting into her eyes. ‘Thank you.’ I leant up to kiss her and her lips pushed lightly back. She smelt delicious, a fusion of tea and cigarettes.

‘Kissing gross.’ I heard Daniel say behind me, which made Ronit laugh.

‘Sorry Daniel.’ She spoke over my shoulder.

We moved onto my belongings then, it didn’t take very long at all. I put all of my clothes into my side of our gigantic wardrobe which barely took up any of the space, my books were put into the bookcase in the living room next to the television and my limited make up, perfume and wash things were put into our en-suite. It was slightly embarrassing that I had so little, but I reminded myself of the different lives Ronit and I had lived; it didn’t make me feel any better.

‘Right.’ Ronit said, sliding my last, empty suitcase under the bed. ‘Shall we go out for late lunch?’

‘You can’t put it off forever.’ I said, tearing open a cardboard box that had ‘RANDOM CRAP’ written on it.

‘Ohh,’ Ronit groaned and fell into the bed; her top rose slightly and revealed her jutting hip bones. ‘But I want to.’

‘Let’s just at least do the boxes?’ I swallowed the temptation I felt to lean down and bite her. ‘And maybe build that new coffee table and set up the coffee machine.’

She huffed and sat up. ‘Okay, let’s get on with it.’

I put Daniel down for a nap while Ronit worked tirelessly through two of her boxes. When I returned, I unpacked the smallest one, which was still quite big. It took me slightly longer because I had to keep stopping to ask her if she wanted to keep certain things. I got into a rhythm and soon had a pile of cinema ticket stubs, cheap jewellery, odd batteries, coins, receipts, hairbands, takeout menus, nails and screws and other random bits you would only ever find at the bottom of a random drawer in someone’s house.

I pulled a stack of old fliers for handymen, electricians and gardeners from the box and saw something glint underneath them; it was a golden bound scrapbook. I lifted it out carefully and opened it. There were about twenty photos of one woman in it; in some, her flawless body was draped in a shimmering silk material, she was completely nude in the rest. The photos had all been taken against a pure white backdrop. She had a short, blonde, pixie haircut, an incredibly sharp jaw and the highest cheekbones I’d ever seen on a real person.

‘Who’s this?’ I asked, holding the book for Ronit to see.

‘Ahh, that’s Audrey Bordeaux.’ She crawled towards me on her hands and knees, I felt her head lean over my shoulder. ‘I forgot about this.’ One of her fingers touched the book; I could smell the perfume on her neck.

‘She’s… beautiful.’

‘Mm, she’s stunning.’

‘Did you… make this?’

Ronit laughed. ‘No, she gave it to me… Oh no, it’s nothing like that, she’s as straight as an arrow. We just got on well on the shoot.’

‘I didn’t know you shot… naked people.’

‘All in the name of art.’ Ronit said and kissed my cheek. She moved back to her own box and leant all the way into it, separating books, folders and papers into piles and black bin bags.

I was just starting to feel slightly tired when I noticed a small black, leather book sitting at the bottom of the box. I reached inside and pulled it out; it was just smaller than my palm and it was crinkled and well thumbed. I flicked it open and immediately my stomach plummeted and my heart raced. I saw pages and pages of men’s names scribbled in there, all in Ronit’s handwriting, all written in different implements; the names were accompanied by American states and long numbers I assumed were numbers, but all had different starting codes. I read through some of them:

 _Hank, TX, 210-204-8010_ in blue biro.

 _Alex/Alec?, FL, 239-232-5631_ in black biro.

 _Paul, OH, 216-226-3615_ in fountain pen.

 _Ethan, GA, 229-272-8574_ in pencil.

I stopped reading; there were so many names.

‘Ronit,’ I asked, desperately trying to hide the quiver in my voice. ‘What shall I do with this?’ I held it up, I gazed over to see her reaction.

She looked up frowning but when she saw the book, she laughed. ‘Oh, that’s… you can definitely throw that.’ She returned to her own box casually.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Absolutely.’

‘There’s just… there are a lot of names in here. Surely some of them are important?’

Ronit looked up, her eyebrows were arched in an amused way. ‘Do I sense some judgement in that tone, Esti?’

‘Not at all!’ I said, perhaps with too much gusto. ‘Just wanted to make sure you weren’t throwing away… something you might need again.’

Ronit exhaled a chuckle from her nostrils and stood up, she stretched her long body out, climbed over the piles on the floor between us, plucked the book from my hand and threw it into the bin bag. ‘There we go.’

Admittedly, that did make me feel a bit better. We shared a smile and then returned to our boxes. I finished soon after, though I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to pull that book from the bag and ask Ronit about every single one of the men in it. I wanted to know what they looked like, what they did, how she met them, how they made her feel, what compelled her to write their information down. Did they have special qualities? Did they have something I lacked at all? I doubted it, and I knew it was insane, but it was like a niggling irritation under my skin, flaring like a rash. Perhaps seeing the side of Ronit’s life before I became a permanent feature wasn’t a good idea. Maybe it was best I didn’t know what Ronit did, who she slept with and where she went; maybe that was best left where it was.

 

* * *

 

On Sunday, we built the coffee table and the new desk for the living room. Ronit set up her new, shiny kitchen gadgets and by the evening, our flat was looking like home. I still couldn’t describe the utter joy I felt when I remembered that. That Ronit, Daniel and I would all be living together, going to sleep in the same house, eating dinner under the same roof, always coming back to same space. I felt an overwhelming comfort in the very centre of my chest.

I put Daniel into bed while Ronit made us two decaf coffees with her new machine.

‘It’s Colombian, medium roast.’ Ronit said proudly, handing me the steaming cup. She took a sip of her own and winced. ‘Jesus Christ. Fuck, that’s hot.’

 ‘I think I’ll wait a minute.’ I said, putting my coffee on the counter. ‘Are you excited for your first day tomorrow?’

‘I’m a bit nervous to be honest.’ Ronit said, she held her tongue out and inhaled. ‘What about you? Daniel’s first day of new nursery, you must be excited.’

‘I am! I have to stay for an hour in the morning with him; I’m not going to want to leave, am I?’

‘No, you won’t.’ She reached out and stroked my cheek. ‘I hope you’ve told Mrs Taylor you’re going to be an hour late, she’ll shoot you on the spot.’

‘Oh, I’ve told her.’ I scoffed. ‘I told her before I told you.’

‘I don’t blame you.’ She pursed her lips and blew into her coffee.

‘I got you something, a little something… for your first day tomorrow.’

Her eyes lit up. ‘You got me a present?’

‘It’s really nothing that great, don’t get excited.’

‘It’s too late for that! Where is it?’

I walked to my bag that was hanging up on a hook by the front door. I pulled a small rectangular package, wrapped in brown paper from it. Ronit was grinning and hopping on the spot.

‘Oooh. Can I open it now?’

‘Yes, but it’s really not that-’

‘Oh hush, it’s going to be amazing.’ She tore into the paper quickly, throwing the wrapping onto the island. She turned it in her hands and gazed at it; it was a framed photo that I had taken of Ronit, Daniel and me standing in front of the lake in Central Park, all of us beaming. Her eyes softened, and she bit her bottom lip.

‘Esti, this is beautiful.’

‘I thought you could put it on your desk.’

‘I will, I – I love it.’ She held it in her hand but stepped towards me and embraced me in a long hug. ‘Thank you.’ She said, with a small sniff. ‘That was my favourite day, you know. When we went to Central Park the second time. Daniel looks so gorgeous in this photo. So do you.’

‘You do as well.’ I said, as she still hugged me to her and we both stared at the photo.

‘A gorgeous family.’ She said.

That word gave me a lump in my throat. ‘I’m glad you like it.’ I nuzzled into her chest and she kissed the top of my head.

‘I love it.’ She repeated. ‘Pride of place on my desk, first thing tomorrow.’

* * *

 

The next morning was manic. For some reason it took double the time to get Daniel to wake up and get dressed. The coffee machine stopped working and the shower went ice cold halfway through Ronit’s shower; she stormed out of the bathroom cursing.

‘I’m going to murder Anita with my bare hands.’ She growled, wearing a towel around her body and patting her wet hair.

When we were all dressed we shared a hurried goodbye, a quick kiss and a ‘Text me, won’t you?’ and a ‘Let me know how it all goes’ before Daniel and I were dashing a few roads across to his nursery. This nursery was far bigger and more modern than his old one. It had a small library built into it, a mini kitchen where they practiced making meals with the older children, a ball pit, a large arts and crafts room and an organised sleepover every month. I had told Ronit I couldn’t afford to keep Daniel here, but she had insisted. I didn’t know where she got the money from or if she was happy providing for us so much; I just always did as she said with no questions.

I didn’t want to leave Daniel, he was scared to be in a new place, no matter how friendly the staff were.

‘Why don’t you go into the ball pit? Look, all of these children are having a great time!’ I said as he clung to my coat.

‘Noooo.’ He cried.

‘Darling, mummy has to go to work.’ I bent my knees so that our faces were closer. ‘But I’ll be back so soon, won’t I? You’ll have so much fun.’

‘I come with you?’

‘You can’t baby, I will be back so soon, okay? You can hold Hannah’s hand I’m sure.’

Hannah, the young, pleasant attendant had been stood there the whole time. ‘You can come with me Daniel, why don’t we throw a few balls at the targets?’

Daniel peered over, his red, crying eyes peeled apart. ‘Okay.’ He said, in the tiniest voice.

‘Ah, my brave boy.’ I picked him up and gave him to Hannah. ‘Thank you.’

‘That’s no problem at all! Come on then Daniel.’

‘I love you.’ I called to him, watching him turn a corner into the ball pit.

‘Love you.’ Daniel replied, wiping his eyes with one hand and waving with another.

I had to leave before I started crying, which made me feel a bit pathetic. I got to school just in time to avoid Mrs Taylor coming out of the teachers meeting. I walked the long corridor to my classroom when I bumped into Mrs Gregory; a plump woman, who I occasionally spoke to. I didn’t have many friends at school, but if I had to say I had one, it would probably be Mrs Gregory.

‘Hello pet.’ She said, her mouth curved into a coy smile. ‘You missed the meeting.’

‘I know, I was at Daniel’s new nursery. We had the induction-’

‘You missed the news then?’ Her mouth still smiling, it was irritating me slightly.

‘What news?’

‘She’s back.’ And that was all she said before nodding to someone behind me. I turned on the spot, feeling colour draining from my face. She walked towards us both; her dusty, blonde hair scraped back into a messy ponytail, her mouth smiling. She was wearing a tight yellow blouse, that shaped to her waist. She put her arms around me and hugged me.

‘Hi Esti.’ She said, her voice flooding me with familiarity. 

‘Hi Beth.’ I replied.  


	6. 1995

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided to post a short flashback, as I realised I haven't shone a light on much of that yet, and it's quite important to the story.
> 
> My understanding from the book/film is that Ronit and Esti started their sexual relationship when they were underage, which is why I've added the 'Underage' warning, so please be aware of this before reading this chapter.
> 
> As always, thank you for all of your support.

It was around mid-August, we were walking back to Ronit’s house from school. It was one of those evenings where the air had absorbed the floral scent of daffodils and honeysuckle; where the sunset was sitting so close on the horizon, you could almost reach out and touch it. Normally, Ronit would walk several paces ahead of me and would be educating or lecturing me precociously about something or other, but this evening she stayed by my side. We were both excited; we knew what tonight was. Tonight was one of the Rav’s counsel sessions; a long evening in which he left his door open and people from all of the community could come to him with any problem and he would offer his wisdom, his advice. It meant he was out of the house until at least 11pm, and Ronit and I wouldn’t be confined to a grass field or a hydrangea bush, but we could remain undisturbed in her bedroom for hours.

She unlocked the door to the house and peered over her shoulder as she stepped inside. We went straight to her bedroom and threw our satchels down. Her bedroom was plain like mine, though one difference I always noticed was the greasy adhesive stains all over her walls from where she had put up posters that the Rav always eventually tore down.

She grabbed at me, pulling at my itchy cardigan; her eyes were closed, and her mouth impatiently seized mine. We had been kissing like this for a few weeks; it had all started in the synagogue. We’d been laughing about the Rosenfeld’s together, when suddenly she stopped giggling and started watching my mouth.

‘Your lips are really red.’ She told me. I had been embarrassed and went to hide them when she stopped me, leant in and kissed me. It had sent an explosion through my entire body, and since then we’d been finding any opportunity for our tongues to meet.

We fell backwards onto her squeaky bed, our hands exploring each other’s backs, arms and legs. Occasionally, her lips or tongue would brush my neck and I would let out a sigh of pleasure that would shock me. We could, and would, do this for hours. Rolling around in each other’s arms, slowly losing more and more clothes until we hit a wall; this is where we would stop. I would feel an ache that was rooted to my core, and I wouldn’t be able to do anything else.

‘I’m sorry.’ I said, as Ronit stood up from the bed. She was just wearing her long-sleeved white shirt now, rolled up to the elbows and a pair of white briefs.

‘Don’t be sorry.’ She yawned and studied herself in the long mirror by her door. ‘It’s fun.’ She left and went to the bathroom.

While she was gone, I turned onto my side. I still felt the throbbing pain in between my legs so I lowered my hand into my underwear to see if I could relieve it. I don’t know when or where I developed the boldness to do this, but I did it without thinking. I stroked down there and pulled my hand out. I rubbed my middle finger and thumb together, examining the clear, sticky substance on them.

‘Mine does that.’ I heard Ronit’s voice behind me; she’d returned from the bathroom silently. I flipped over, and I concealed my hand behind my back. ‘After we kiss, mine is like that.’

I paused and wondered whether to ignore the situation or to indulge in it. I spoke slowly, ‘It… hurts… inside as well.’

‘You know,’ Ronit took a few steps towards me and sat on the bed. Her mouth was partly open, I saw her tongue trailing her bottom lip. ‘If you put your fingers inside, it feels better.’

I hesitated, I started to feel sick and dizzy. ‘You could…’ I wondered how the words were forming. ‘You could show me.’

I heard her breathe raggedly; her jaw clenched, and she nodded. ‘I could.’

I opened my bare legs slightly, moving my foot onto her lap. She breathed hard again and shifted her body around. Tentatively, her hand approached my underwear; she swallowed and gasped.

‘It might hurt. Just for a second.’ She was over me now, her lips inches from mine.

We kissed as I felt her push inside me. She was right, it did hurt; like a bee sting. I winced as she moved her fingers around. At first, it was unwieldy, and her fingers jabbed me and created more pain. But eventually, she progressed into a beat where each movement caused me to produce noises I had never heard myself make before. It was like she was tapping a button inside me, a certain spot that was bringing me closer and closer to the brink of something.

‘Wait, stop, stop.’ I panted, I felt the overpowering sensation that I was about to stop breathing and go blind simultaneously.

‘Hold on. It’s about to get good.’ She whispered, her arm still crooked and fingers still throbbing inside me.

I was about to tell her to stop again when I unexpectedly fell into an ocean of ecstasy. It cascaded over me, drowning me. I felt the strain in my throat as I begged myself to be quiet and refrain from screaming out in relief. My eyes were mostly closed but several times I opened them and saw Ronit’s face above me; her mouth still hanging open, her dark chocolate eyes feeding on me.

Finally, I calmed. My hands and feet were shaking, and my mouth was dry. Ronit was lying next to me now, I twisted my body to be on top of hers and kissed her. I then had a fleeting thought, of how enjoyable it would be to have her hot mouth where her fingers had just been.

‘It’s good, isn’t it?’ She said, in between our frantic kisses.

‘Yes.’ I forced my tongue into her mouth. ‘Yes. I want another one.’

We continued for several more hours, Ronit grew more confident with each time; she learnt what I liked and what I didn’t very quickly. Eventually, I built up enough sureness in myself to touch her. I stroked her underwear first, the centre of them were soaked; which made both of us groan.

I wasn’t as adept as Ronit, I was blundering, awkward and ungainly. I’m not even sure if Ronit felt the same joy I had, but she acted well if she didn’t. By the end of it, both of our shirts were open, exposing our contracting chests; our underwear was rolled up at the end of Ronit’s bed. That’s when I felt a creeping prickle on the back of my neck.

‘Is this bad?’ I asked.

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s bad isn’t it, what we just did?’

‘It’s what they tell us is bad.’ Ronit said, her husky voice full of self-righteousness. She looked at me. ‘Do you think it’s bad?’

‘It didn’t feel bad.’

‘Exactly.’

Her explanation hadn’t made me feel any better.

‘Do you think we’ll still be sneaking around when we’re thirty?’ I asked, trying to change the subject.

‘Pfft.’ Ronit scoffed. ‘Esti, I am not going to be here when I’m thirty. I’m not planning on being here when I’m eighteen.’

‘Where will you go?’ I was used to this, so I didn’t feel scared. I had heard Ronit’s grand assertions that she’d leave one day and never return countless times before.

‘I don’t know. Probably Paris. I love Paris.’

‘But you’ve never been.’

‘I’ve seen it in books, and magazines.’ She turned on her elbow to face me. ‘I want to be living in Paris, with champagne for breakfast and cigarettes for lunch.’

‘Can I come too?’

‘You can do whatever you want; that’s the point.’

‘I think I will.’ I yawned. ‘And we could have French husbands.’

‘I’m not getting married either.’

‘What, ever?’

‘No. I hate it. Institutionalised obligation, it’s disgusting and sexist.’

‘What if you… what if you meet someone that you really love?’

‘Then I’ll just love them. I don’t need to marry them.’

I pushed back against the pillow I was on, not entirely understanding why I felt so disappointed. ‘I should probably go home.’

‘I wish you could stay the night.’ Ronit tried to reach my leg but I was just out of her grasp.

‘I do too.’ I got up and dressed myself, noticing how purple the sky looked.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Ronit continued. ‘Do you want to meet in the toilets again?’

‘Yes. I’d love to.’ I pulled on my cardigan and lifted my bag up. Ronit jumped off the bed, still half-naked and pulled me to her. Our tongues danced one final time while she stroked my hair.

‘Bye.’ I said, taking a breath.

‘Bye.’ She smiled, and I turned around and left her quiet house. I waved to the returning Rav as I walked home.


	7. The New Job

My first day was madness. It was non-stop from the minute I arrived through the revolving doors to the moment I was finally allowed to leave around 6pm. My new boss, Holly, was nothing like Scott either; where Scott was laidback, funny and intuitive, Holly was frenzied, erratic and blunt. I felt like she was both oversensitive to everything I did, but at the same time never listened to me.

‘My most humble apologies that it took so long to get you here,’ were her opening words to me. ‘Our HR is absolutely appalling, it was probably the same in New York I’d bet. Hi Terrence.’ She passed a young man, who must have been in his mid-20s, on the chrome steps to the first floor; she touched his shoulder delicately as he passed. He bowed his head as though she were a supreme leader.

‘That’s absolutely fine.’ I replied, frowning at their odd exchange. ‘Sorry I was a bit late this morning, I-’

‘No problem at all, dear.’ She said flapping her hands and leading me into her office. She took a seat behind her desk. The room was smaller than Scott’s, but still similar enough to assure myself that I was definitely in the right place. ‘Do you prefer Ronit or Ronnie?’

‘Ronnie, unless you’re mad at me, then it’s Ronit.’ I joked, but she didn’t laugh.

‘Well we’re incredibly happy to have you here Ronnie. You know, when Scott mentioned it, I practically leapt down the phone.’

‘That’s very kind.’

‘Nothing to do with kindness, my dear.’ Holly puffed on a vape cigarette; her pouting lips funneled the fruity-smelling smoke into the space between us. ‘Your name is big, we want to keep it; that means keeping you happy. Sit down, please.’

‘I wouldn’t say that, I-’

‘Are you kidding?’ Holly laughed. I couldn’t work out her accent, she sounded faintly European, but it was hard to decipher. ‘We had heaps of offers from other agencies for you. Scott didn’t tell you?’

I shrugged. ‘It must have slipped his mind.’

‘Well,’ Holly took another long drag and it made me want a cigarette. ‘He was probably right to; I wouldn’t have told you either.’

I took a slow look at her while she called the IT department to sort out my laptop. Her hair was a shimmery silver, though she didn’t look a day over forty, her brows were dark and sculpted perfectly, and her dark red lips took up most of her lower jaw. She was wearing expensive clothes and five-inch, black Louboutin’s.

Once she’d settled the IT issues, she showed me to my own office. In New York, I didn’t have an office of my own, which was progress I suppose. But I _had_ been in a soaring, high-rise building, sitting at the very top of Manhattan. Now I was in a comparably squat building in Kensington; it still had high ceilings and a view of some pleasant deciduous trees and a river in the park opposite, but it wasn’t exactly the Hudson River. The first thing I did in my new office was put the photo of Esti, Daniel and I on my desk.

‘How sweet. Is that your sister?’ Holly asked, pointing at the photo with her vape in her hand. She was shaking slightly.

‘No… no. My partner and her son.’

‘I see.’ Holly said, her face unchanging. ‘She’s pretty.’

The rest of the day was filled with meetings with other staff, our big clients (some of whom I recognised from their visits to New York) and the tech team to discuss editing software and camera specifications. I had small periods of the day when I would remember to text Esti, but our discussions were short.

 _How’s it going, beautiful?_ She’d sent me mid-morning.

_Hectic! New boss is intense. How was Daniel at nursery?_

_I’m sure you can handle her. He was sad, but I haven’t heard anything since, so he must be okay now._

_What a brave boy he is. I have to go to another meeting, I can’t wait to see you later. I love you xxx_

_He is. Okay, have fun. I love you too. Xxx_

 

It was something Holly said in one of our afternoon meetings that unsettled me to the point where I had to follow it up. We had been talking over a conference line with two clients who happened to be in Prague. They mentioned a shoot in a few weeks’ time, an event for the annual European Film Awards which would be held in Berlin. Holly had spoken over one of them with a loud, obnoxious bellow.

‘Yes, but darlings, darlings, Ronnie may not be available for that one if she’s in… listen to me! Ronnie’s got a lot coming up, Berlin is at the bottom of our list. Especially that close to Christmas, what with preparation for the Winter Gala in Budapest… _and_ we’re covering Venice Festival this year, it’s going to be wall to wall, isn’t it? I mean we will try to send her, but needs must.’

They’d argued back and forth for some time, all the while I sat there staring at the blinking red light on the phone, panicking. When the call ended, Holly sat back and cackled.

‘I mean, _obviously_ you’re going to go,’ she grinned, exposing her many teeth. ‘But it was fun hearing them beg.’ She smoked her fake cigarette and crossed her legs.

‘Holly, sorry… it sounds like… there’s a lot of travel expected?’

‘Yes dear, I thought that was obvious. Scott said you were an avid nomad. Well don’t look too appalled; it was all in the contract you signed.’

I felt a burning on my cheeks. There was a time when I wanted to travel that much; a time when I never wanted to settle, but I wasn’t like that now. I desperately tried to remember the contract. I thought I’d read the line ‘occasional travel’, but this sounded like I’d never be at home. I had specifically asked for less travel, hadn't I?

‘If I could… Do you think I could get the timetable of when I’ll be away?’

‘It’s all on your portal.’ Holly said, almost irritably. She checked the gold-rimmed watch on her thin wrist. ‘Which should be ready now. Pop down to reception, they should have your laptop.’

‘Thank you.’ I left the meeting room, still with an uncomfortable warmth on my face. Shit, what did I sign? I had to get the copy of the contract out and read it again. I wasn’t even worried for myself, I knew I could handle it. But what about Esti? What about Daniel? I scowled as I hurried down the steps to reception. A helpful man at reception handed me my laptop when I got there; his skin was bronzed, his hair jet black and his muscles pressed tightly against the material of his shirt.

‘Your first day?’ He enquired with a wide smile with a Spanish twang to his voice.

‘It is.’

‘Then welcome,’ he peered at the paperwork on top of my laptop. ‘Ronnie… Ronit.’

‘Thank you,’ I looked at his work badge. ‘Lucas… Lucas.’

He laughed, and I felt his eyes on me as I walked away, but I was preoccupied. I got into my office, turned on my laptop and signed in. I already had thirty emails – how was that possible? I struggled to operate the intranet but eventually found a list of staff travel calendars. I found mine at the very top of the list:

_CURTIS, RONNIE (KRUSHKA, RONIT)_

I scowled. Why include both names? I clicked the link; it opened up a loaded spreadsheet. I scanned the document to find October, there was nothing there. I felt a release in my chest for a second, until I spotted the last week of November. Every day until the 4th December was blocked out in a bright red colour; each cell had the words: _FLARE FEST – NAPLES_ written in bold, black font. And December looked like a bloodbath, it was that red.

‘Shit.’ I muttered, just as a bus hissed past the window.

 

I got home that evening exhausted and starving. I opened the door and immediately smelt Daniel’s bubble bath and Esti’s cooking. I groaned as I entered the kitchen.

‘Hel- what’s wrong?’ Esti asked, she was still wearing her work clothes.

‘So hungry. Missed lunch.’ I mumbled, as I staggered towards her. She wrapped one arm around me as the other was stirring something on the cooker. ‘Hello.’ I said and kissed her cheek.

‘Hello.’ She smiled, treating me to her cheek dimples. ‘Dinner’s been ready for a while.’

‘What are we-’

‘Ronit!’ Daniel darted into the back of my legs dressed in his pyjamas, his hair still wet from the bath.

‘Hello you.’ I pretended I didn’t feel as weak and tired as I was and lifted him up onto my hip. ‘How was nursery today? Did you make lots of friends?’

‘Yep!’ Daniel shouted as he hugged my neck. ‘Do you live here now?’

‘I do indeed. With you and mummy.’

That made him giggle.

‘Daniel darling,’ Esti spoke softly. ‘It’s almost bedtime now.’

‘Isn’t he eating?’ I asked Esti.

‘They fed him dinner at nursery. I know, another perk I didn’t know about.’

‘Wow.’ I turned my attention back to Daniel. ‘We can’t be giving you two dinners, can we? Two-dinner Daniel, they’ll call you.’

Daniel laughed in the way that children do when they’re copying adults.

‘Shall we put you to bed then?’ I asked.

‘No.’ Daniel stated. ‘No bed.’

‘Yes. Yes bed.’ I said, carrying him towards his room. Esti followed us. I laid him down and he shuffled around a bit before settling. I read him his favourite story: _The Dancing Dinosaur_ while Esti prepared his clothes for the morning.

‘Do the voice, do the voice.’ He demanded, so I did the silly, deep voice I always did when we got to the disco dancing T-Rex, whose arms were too short he couldn’t master the Saturday Night Fever point.

He would normally always fall asleep towards the end of the book, and the same thing happened this evening. His eyes drooped, and he took several short breaths through his nose before his head lolled to one side. Esti and I crept out of his room and went back to the kitchen.

We dished up and ate; I shovelled mine into my mouth in a matter of minutes. Esti had made chili, and it was the most amazing thing I’d ever tasted. I sat back satiated after my second helping.

‘That was amazing, thank you.’ I spoke, fighting away the tiredness I felt seeping into my muscles.

‘My pleasure.’ Esti took the plates away and left me sitting at the kitchen island by myself. Her back was to me, rinsing the plates. ‘I have something to tell you.’

‘Oh? I have something to tell you too.’

‘You can go first.’ She suggested.

‘No, I think you should.’

‘Mine isn’t great.’

‘Neither is mine.’ I said, growing more and more curious as to what she was going to tell me.

She respired loudly and turned around. ‘Beth is back…at school, teaching.’ She ran a hand through her hair. My brain was sluggish; why did the name Beth make my neck feel prickly?

‘Beth?’ I enquired, suddenly remembering. ‘Why is she back? Since when?’

‘Since today. Mr Ahmad’s on extended sick leave, and she took his job.’ Her eyes were lingering on the kitchen counter.

‘Oh.’ I rested my chin in my hand. ‘Does… does that… bother you?’

‘I should be asking you that.’

‘It doesn’t bother me.’ I said, slightly lying but mostly being truthful.

‘No?’

‘No, I trust you.’ I smiled. ‘Plus, if he’s just on sick leave then it’s a temporary thing, isn’t it?’

‘I don’t know. I think he’s quite sick.’

‘Like… very sick?’

‘Mm.’ Esti nodded, staring at the floor.

‘Shit. I- I’m sorry. Are you okay?’

‘Mm.’ She bit the inside of her cheek. ‘What was your bad news?’

‘Ah, well.’ I sat back, feeling the rungs of the stool against my spine. ‘My new job, there’s… there’s some travel involved, which we knew already. And some of it is already… planned.’

‘Oh.’ Esti’s eyes finally engaged with mine. ‘When?’

‘Well, from what I can see there’s a trip at the end of November for a week...Then, another three in December.’

‘Three?’ Her eyebrows raised.

‘But they should be less than a week, should be… so it shouldn’t be too much… hopefully.’

She waited for a while; her anxious, hazel eyes fastened to mine. ‘You said you wouldn’t have to do that as much.’ She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

‘No, I know. I thought that, I did. But it’s – I mean, it looks like something I can’t get out of.’

She bowed her head slowly. I thought of Beth while she was probably thinking about me being away. Our minds tangled into a web of worries above our heads. I could only hear the extractor fan whirring, and the clock on the wall ticking.

‘It’ll be fine.’ She said eventually, to which I replied with an assuring nod.

‘It will be.’

She turned back to the dishwasher and finished stacking it.

‘I have some better news, that I think you’ll like.’ She said, as the corners of her mouth turned up.

‘Perfect. Please tell me.’ I pushed myself away from the island and opened my arms, which she walked into.

‘There’s a Halloween fete on at school in a few weeks.’ She said, resting her head on my shoulder.

‘Right.’ I replied, taking in the smell of her hair.

‘And the drama club are putting on a show…’

‘Mm?’

‘And because I missed the meeting this morning, and couldn’t speak for myself…’

‘I’m itching to know where this is going.’

‘I’ve been nominated... to dress up as a gigantic pumpkin.’

I couldn’t move for laughing, my head flew back. ‘That’s the best thing I’ve heard.’ I said after a minute, wiping tears from my eyes. ‘In my entire life.’

‘Mrs Taylor told me this morning.’ Esti rested her hands on my legs and looked at me, her mouth curved into a beautiful smile. ‘Are you crying?’

‘And Mrs Taylor told you? Oh god, what I would give to have been a fly on the wall.’ I wiped my face with my sleeve and leant into her. ‘That’s cheered me up. What’s the date of it? I have to be there.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say I'm sorry because I feel like I've been spamming you guys the past two days, but I just got back from holiday where writing opportunities were restricted and now I'm back, I can't stop...
> 
> EDIT: okay you guys are the sweetest and I was worried but all of your comments have reassured me - thank you!


	8. The Rehearsal

October moved so quickly I could barely keep up with the days. Between Ronit’s job and mine, we only saw each other for an hour before work and a few hours in the evening before we both passed out. The weekends became our haven; we’d try to stay in bed together for as long as possible before Daniel woke up. I’d often wake before her and make breakfast and coffee and return with it to the bedroom only to find she was awake and hungry for something else. Everything would go cold on the bedside cabinet while she pulled me on top of her. Those silent mornings; the cashmere touch of her sleepy skin and the fading scent of coffee in the air while her ravenous mouth moved all over my body, they were my favourite.

She didn’t ask me much about Beth, which was a huge relief. Although I hadn’t expected her adamancy that she would attend the Halloween fete, where Beth would be. I wouldn’t be able to control it, I accepted that quickly. Beth and Ronit would meet eventually; it was inevitable. In which case, I had to talk to Beth, even though I tried desperately to avoid her at school, so much so that she noticed.

‘Hello stranger.’ She caught me one break time, I was hurrying from the staff kitchen back to my classroom when she bumped into me.

‘Hi Beth.’

‘You know we’ve barely spoken since I’ve come back.’ Her arms hung casually by her sides. She’d lost weight since I last saw her, from her face and her waist. She looked better, healthier.

‘I know, I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy.’

‘I understand entirely. I get it, I do. I just thought we could get a coffee or lunch or something. Catch up.’ Her light blue eyes glinted, I remembered them well. I remembered looking into them in the past and thinking how they were the opposite to Ronit’s.

I don’t know why, but I felt so guilty even agreeing to it. In order to limit the potential misunderstanding, I asked that we ate lunch in the staff room together that day; she seemed disappointed but accepted it. 

‘So,’ Beth said a few minutes after the bell rang in the afternoon; she sat opposite me and opened a clear container filled with chicken salad. ‘How have you been? It’s been, like, a year hasn’t it?’

‘I’ve been well. Very well, actually.’ I had a sandwich, but it sat on the table between us, uneaten. ‘I was-’

‘Oooh, sorry lovebirds.’ Mrs Gregory had entered the room and danced past us, waving her fingers. ‘Don’t let me interrupt. Just grabbing me soy milk.’ Beth sniggered as Mrs Gregory opened the fridge and pulled a carton from it, then left us alone again. ‘As you were girlies.’

‘She’s daft.’ Beth was tickled even after Mrs Gregory left, but my jaw was fastened shut, and I wasn’t laughing. I made a note then to myself, to tell Mrs Gregory about Ronit, even though I wanted to keep Ronit as my secret. Oddly, I felt the more people knew, the more likely it would be that I’d lose her… but Beth – Beth needed to know.

‘I wanted to say,’ I said before there were any more interruptions. ‘That I’m with someone now.’

‘Okay.’ Beth’s smile remained. ‘You don’t need to look so serious, Esti. This is lunch, not an investigation.’

‘It’s just so… so you’re aware.’

‘Well now I am fully aware.’ Beth’s fork dawdled in her salad and her lips still smirked. ‘What’s her name?’

‘Ronit.’

Her eyebrows rose slightly. ‘Ronit? As in… _the_ Ronit?’

‘Yes.’

‘Wow.’ She looked genuinely shocked and took a sip of water. ‘What about New York and the leaving and all the heartbreak?’

‘She’s back.’

‘For how long?’

‘She’s back… for good this time. We have a flat in Notting Hill.’

‘Bloody hell.’ Beth paused, she leant forward on her elbows. ‘You bagged a rich one.’

‘She’s doing well.’ I said, cringing slightly at her calling Ronit ‘a rich one’. She could be living on the streets and I would still love her as much as I do.

Beth paused. ‘You must be really happy.’

‘I am.’

She nodded, then ate some spinach. ‘I’m happy for you.’

‘Thank you.’

Beth ate some more, and I unwrapped my sandwich but didn’t eat anything.

‘So, when do I get to meet her? The notorious Ronit.’

‘Well, that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about.’

‘You _wanted_ to talk to me?’ Beth laughed, exposing her long throat. ‘You didn’t make that very clear.’

I ignored her. ‘I’d rather you didn’t… talk to her about us.’

‘Jealous type, is she?’

‘No, no. The opposite, actually. I just… would rather it, if you didn’t.’

Her tongue played in her mouth, pressing the inside of her cheek out. ‘Why?’

‘I would just rather it.’

She stared at me for a long time; it was quite unsettling. ‘You’re so funny.’

‘Why?’

‘You - thinking I’d just go up to your girlfriend and start blabbing about us out of nowhere.’ She took another bite of salad. ‘Such a worrier.’

I chewed on my bottom lip. I was worried about it, terrified that Ronit would find out the truth of how Beth and I parted ways. I’d told her it was because Beth wanted to move in too soon. I wonder if Ronit remembered that. Why did I have to lie?

I was also preoccupied with the thought of Ronit leaving me again, if it was for a week, or even a few days. I didn’t want her to go; I’d started developing anxiety attacks over it. Each evening I would count the days until she left for the Flare Festival in Naples; an annual photography convention filled with photographers from all over the world, presenting and admiring each other’s work.

‘It’s going to fly by.’ She assured me one evening. We were on the sofa, I was laying practically on top of her with my head in the hollow between her chest and shoulder. ‘Really, you’ll barely notice I’m gone. And when I get back you’ll curse it. ‘Go back to Naples’, you’ll cry.’

‘Never.’ I said, playing with a loose thread on her jumper.

Once or twice Ronit did ask me about Beth, but she made it sound so casual it was as though she was asking about the weather.

‘How’s Beth getting on?’ The three of us were doing a puzzle on the coffee table. Daniel kept putting pieces in wrong, and Ronit encouraged him so it was all muddled.

‘She’s… fine. I think. I barely talk to her.’

‘That’s not very nice.’ She said, but she was grinning. ‘Does she talk to you a lot?’

‘She tries to. Sometimes.’

‘Will she be at the fete?’

‘Yes, she’ll be there.’

‘Exciting.’

 

It wasn’t exciting, it was excruciating. The thought of the two of them together, it made me feel sick. The fete was slowly approaching, and I had to go to a rehearsal one evening after school the week before.

‘I’ll pick Daniel up.’ Ronit said over the phone at lunch; she started coughing afterwards.

‘Are you smoking?’

‘Yes, sorry.’

‘No, don’t be. I’m just jealous, that’s all.’

‘Don’t start smoking darling, it’s horrible.’

‘I know.’ I was so impressionable, whatever Ronit did looked good to me. ‘Are you sure about picking Daniel up? I could organise something else.’

‘No, I’d love to. Do you have to let them know it’ll be me collecting him?’

‘Yes, I’ll tell them, thank you.’

‘Can we come to the rehearsal?’

‘I – I… yes. I think so.’

‘Would you mind? I wouldn’t want to cramp your style.’

‘You would never… I’m sure you can come. But I won’t be wearing the costume.’

‘Oh, well forget it then. I’ll see you at home.’ We both laughed then. ‘I’m joking obviously.’ She exhaled down the phone. ‘I’ll bring Daniel, and popcorn.’

‘Stop it. I only have the one line.’

‘And I’m sure you’re going to steal the show.’

We lingered on the phone a bit longer.

‘Will Beth be there?’ She asked after a while.

‘I imagine so.’

‘Will you introduce us, or will I have to seek her out myself?’ It sounded like she was joking but I wasn’t certain.

‘I have pumpkin duties to get on with, I might not have time.’

‘Well,’ she laughed. ‘In that case, I completely understand.’

‘Rehearsal starts at half seven.’

‘We’ll be there on the dot.’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

 

I stayed in my classroom after school had ended. The corridors were eerily dark and quiet. I was just writing out some notes on some tests when Beth knocked on my door.

‘Hello pumpkin.’ She tittered.

I wanted to say ‘don’t call me that’ but I kept my head down.

‘All ready for the rehearsal? I’m helping with the directing.’ She sauntered in and sat next to me. ‘Have you been practising, Miss Streep?’

‘Beth, I’m still quite busy.’

I saw from the corner of my eye that the smile dropped from her face. ‘Esti, can’t we be friends?’

I sighed and put my pen down. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘You don’t have to be sorry.’ Beth shifted and crossed her legs. They were bare under a knee length skirt. ‘I’m not asking to go back to how we used to be. I just… would like to be your friend.’

‘We can be friends.’ I said, in an intentional small voice. I looked at her, she was pretty. She was nothing on Ronit, but she was still attractive in a blonde hair, blue-eyed way.

‘I hope so.’ She said, before pursing her lips. ‘We didn’t leave it on a bad note, did we? I mean, there was the…’

‘No. It was my fault, not yours.’

‘It wasn’t your fault.’

We plummeted into silence. I wished I hadn’t put my pen down because I wanted to look at something other than her.

‘So, we’re friends?’ She asked finally.

‘Yes, we’re friends.’

‘Good.’ That seemed to cheer her up and she stood up. ‘I’ll see you backstage in that case.’

‘See you there.’ I offered a small smile before she left.

‘Break a leg!’ She said, closing the door.

 

I spotted Ronit in the fifth or sixth row, sitting next to a fidgeting Daniel at exactly 7:30. The hall had already been set up for the show, it seated about a hundred people. My stomach churned. I watched the whole rehearsal from behind the stage; thankfully it was only 25 minutes altogether; my part was at the very end. I noticed Ronit’s eyes darting from the stage to the directors, one of which was Beth and then back to Daniel to entertain him. I also noticed Beth turn around several times and stare back at the only two people in the audience, but fortunately, she stayed sitting in her chair.

I was called forward to say my line.

‘My favourite sport is squash, because I am the Pun King.’ I said, in a normal speaking voice.

‘Come on Esti.’ Beth laughed from below the stage. ‘A bit more oomph.’

I repeated the line, louder and gesticulated. I tried not to look at Ronit, who looked elated, and Daniel who looked confused.

‘Perfect!’ Beth shouted. And that was the end, more or less.

The cast all joined up backstage and talked about it; improvements to be made and timings to work on. I grabbed my coat and bag and dashed for the main hall. I had to get to Ronit and Daniel, we had to leave before Beth came over. I ran out into the hall, my coat half on.

‘Come on then, let’s go. I’m starving. Has Daniel eaten?’

‘Woah woah, calm down Pun King.’ Ronit quipped, picking her bag. ‘He’s eaten. I haven’t. Shall we pick something up on-’

‘Daniel!’ A voice echoed around the hall and my stomach dropped. I was too late, Beth was approaching us from the stage. She jumped from it lithely and skipped towards us. ‘I thought that was you. My goodness, you’re so big now.’

I noticed Ronit’s back stiffen as Daniel hid himself behind her arm.

‘Ah, don’t be shy, don’t you remember me?’

‘Beth.’ I said with a sweating forehead, knowing I’d have to lead this exchange. ‘This is Ronit. Ronit, this is Beth.’

Ronit was perfectly pleasant, I knew she would be. ‘Hi Beth.’ She held out a hand, which Beth stared at for perhaps a second too long. Eventually she grasped it with a wide smile.

‘Ronit, it’s so good to meet you. I’ve heard… good things.’

‘Likewise.’ Ronit said, matching Beth’s smile.

‘Daniel,’ Beth turned her attention back to Daniel, who had cowered into Ronit’s coat. ‘Come on now.’

‘Daniel, do you remember Beth?’ I asked him, wishing he’d start screaming or crying so we’d have to leave.   

‘No.’ I heard his muffled voice.

‘Kids.’ Ronit said, shrugging.  

‘Mm.’ Beth said, stepping back. ‘You were great, Esti, by the way. I didn’t get a chance to tell you.’ She touched my arm. I saw Ronit’s eyes following it; I feigned needing to scratch my head.

‘Thank you. All ready for the big show.’ I said nervously.

‘I hope you’ll be coming Ronit.’ Beth turned to Ronit.

‘Oh, I wouldn’t miss it.’

‘Good.’ The two of them fixed eyes; they reminded me of two alley cats weighing each other up.

‘Well,’ I said. ‘We should get Daniel to bed.’

‘We should.’ Ronit repeated.

‘Great, well I’ll see you tomorrow Esti.’ Beth touched my arm again. ‘And Ronit, I’ll see you at the fete. I hope you’re coming to the teacher’s after party.’

‘Oh we-’ I went to make excuses.

‘We’ll definitely be there.’ Ronit said over me.

‘But we’d need a sitter-’

‘We’ll find one.’ Ronit looked at me and then back to Beth. Beth smiled, and we finally said goodbye.

‘Why did you do that?’ I asked Ronit when we were well clear of the school, and walking along the pavement to our flat. The crisp autumn air almost choked me when we'd stepped outside the hall.

‘What?’

‘Agree to that, the after party?’

‘Esti,’ she spoke quietly as I pushed a murmuring Daniel in his pram. ‘Do you not think the longer we avoid it, the weirder it gets? Surely the sooner we acknowledge the fact that she’s there, especially as she’s here for the foreseeable… it’ll make it easier?’

‘I mean…’

‘It just occurred to me, there doesn’t need to be any hard feelings… really. We might even become friends. God knows we’re lacking in those.’

The thought of it was preposterous, but from Ronit’s point of view, I could see the sense in it.

‘Maybe Dovid could have Daniel for the night?’ She suggested.

‘Maybe.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this slow, but necessary chapter before we head into the next part of the story. 
> 
> More flashbacks and Ronit point of views are on their way.
> 
> Thank you again to all of you.


	9. 1998

It was an evening in early November, I know that because I can vividly remember seeing the fireworks several nights before, colourfully exploding in the night sky. Ronit and I had been in her bedroom for an hour or so already, we hadn’t done anything yet; we were so accustomed to it now, we were in no rush. She smoked out of the window and I watched her from the bed; the tinny radio played sad love songs. The house was deserted; the Rav was at one of his counsels or study groups or leading evening prayers. I didn’t care where he was, I just knew that Ronit and I were alone.

‘Those boys,’ Ronit began, swilling the smoke into the freezing air outside. ‘From the sec school over the big road, did you see them today?’

‘In the playground?’

‘Mm. They got moved away from there. But I followed them afterwards.’

I sat up, curious.

‘They were heading back to the bus stop, and I called after them. They laughed at my uniform, but I told them to shut up.’

‘Why did you go after them?’

She shrugged and stubbed the cigarette out on the stonewall outside, then dropped the butt into a tin can she kept on the windowsill.

‘I asked them for a cigarette, and they gave me one. They told me that they were having a party in Mornington tonight, under the bandstand.’

‘Oh… are you going?’

‘No, it’s too cold.’

Some nerves in my stomach settled. ‘It is cold.’ I agreed.

‘It would be fun though, I bet. They said they’d have rum.’

I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to go to her and kiss her, but I didn’t feel like she was in the right mood.

‘God, I feel like I’m suffocating.’ Ronit pushed herself away from the window and stood up. She was wearing the remnants of her school uniform, minus the blazer and the skirt. Her black tights covered her long pale legs.

‘Because of the smoke?’

‘No.’ She scowled. ‘Because of this fucking place.’ She paced the room slowly. After a while she said, ‘Do you want to see something?’

I nodded and rolled up my shirt sleeves. She hurried to her tall wardrobe, wrenched open the doors and pulled a sorry looking rucksack from it, with broken straps and frayed threads hanging from the zips.

‘I got this, the other day. I went into the charity shop, I got it for £3.’ She looked so pleased with herself. ‘And then, do you remember when I said I was going to the library?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well,’ she was smiling so broadly, it made me smile too. ‘I did actually go to the library, but I went to find out where the American embassy was.’

My smile faded slightly.

‘So, then I went there, and I spoke to this man. He was so cool, Esti. He was like really American; his accent was so funny.’

‘Why did you go there?’ I asked, already knowing and dreading the answer.

She sat on the bed. ‘I asked how to get there.’

‘What did he say?’

‘Well, it’s so funny, and ironic kind of… because I’m Jewish, I can get over there on some weird transfer programme between synagogues or something. But I told him I’d rather die than go and be a part of another community and he just laughed and said: “well once you’re there, you’re there”. He said if I got a job, then I’d automatically be on a new type of… visa… I think it was.’

‘But surely you’d need the Rav’s permission to go?’

‘Not after I turn 18.’

‘Oh.’

‘Don’t look so worried Esti.’ Ronit said defensively. ‘This is a good thing.’

Is it? I thought. It didn’t sound like it was a good thing.

‘He gave me all of these papers,’ she pulled a stack of paperwork from her new rucksack. ‘I have to fill everything out and send it all back. I’m going to do it on my birthday, I’ll take it back to the embassy.’

Her birthday was February 11th. Three months away, roughly.

‘What will I do?’ I asked, rather pathetically.

‘You can do whatever you want.’

So, after a minute, I did. I moved up onto my knees, held her face and kissed her. She immediately opened her mouth and turned her body towards me; we were both kneeling on her mattress. Her hands moved under my shirt and around my waist. We were finished talking for now.

We had shared this ecstasy with each other for several years; our bodies, once new and inexperienced, had grown and formed together. They had developed as one; discovering new elements and paths to pleasure. Electricity flashed between us when we touched like this; it was two powerful forces meeting, like a lightning bolt striking the ocean. She had me on my back, rolling my thick tights down my legs and throwing them to the floor. She opened my shirt and trailed her tongue over each dip and curve of my chest, taking my breast into her mouth as her thumb pressed gently against the wetness of my underwear.

I allowed myself to groan, then I remember hearing something loud, the sound of a frame clattering to the floor maybe, or a car door closing outside. I couldn’t focus on it, I couldn’t focus on anything with Ronit’s mouth on me.

‘You’re so wet.’ She moaned as her lips brushed my hip, and her fingers remained stroking my underwear.

‘It’s your fault.’ I whimpered.

‘I suppose I should do something about it.’ She teased me, her lips kissing up the length of my thigh.

‘Please.’

She eased my underwear off and kissed in between my legs with a caressing softness. I shivered all over and gently pressed her head closer, locking my fingers into her hair. Her eyes were closed, but I kept mine open as I watched her, my jaw tensing as she worked harder and her tongue went deeper.

‘Ronit.’ I panted, as I felt myself edging closer. She moaned inside me, lowering her own hand between her legs and grinding on her fingers. Just before I felt the climax, as my toes were starting to curl, and small lights flashed in my vision, the bedroom door creaked open.

‘Hashem, strike me dead!’ The Rav’s bellowing voice shook the room as Ronit leapt up and I grappled for the duvet. The bliss I had felt shattered like glass around me, mortification cutting into my flesh.

‘Get out!’ Ronit screamed at her father, thankfully she was still clothed. She tried to close the door on him, but he stepped inside.

‘The desires of the beast are within your soul!’ The Rav raised his arms up as though he were about to strike her. ‘It feeds on your weakness!’ He turned to me and diverted his eyes. ‘Esti,’ his voice lowered, I saw his chest rising and falling. ‘Leave us.’

‘She doesn’t have to.’ Ronit snarled and wiped her mouth, her eyes not breaking with her fathers. ‘Because _I’m_ going.’

The Rav stood above Ronit, her head just reached his shoulders. He started muttering in Hebrew, with his hands still raised, as Ronit pulled on her coat and stormed around him. Where was she going? The Rav followed her down the stairs, shouting as she left the house.

‘ _Yetzer hara_ …’ I heard him cry. ‘What have I done to suffer like this?’

I pulled on my skirt and hurriedly buttoned my shirt. I ran to the open window, I saw Ronit marching along the street. ‘Ronit!’ I called, and she turned. ‘Where are you going?’

‘Mornington.’ She yelled back, turned on her heel and walked into the darkness.

‘I-’ I tried to tell her that I’d come too, but she was already gone.

The Rav was standing in the hallway when I reached the bottom step. My head was tucked down, I felt my face bright red and humiliated. I wished I was invisible.

‘Esti, Esti, Esti.’ He spoke with a profound sadness. ‘You are undeserving of this.’

I didn’t say anything, I stood with my back against the wall. I felt rage and despair beating from the Rav’s hunched body. My stomach was in knots, he had seen my naked chest and legs; I felt sick.

‘It is not your fault. She has a blackness in her heart, a stain, a … her mother would…’

‘I should leave.’ I said, my voice cracking and barely audible over the sound of the grandfather clock by the door.

‘Don’t let her drag you down this path.’ The Rav muttered, his harsh Hebrew accent monotone and his knuckles cracking.

‘I’m sorry.’ I whispered as I passed him.

‘I am so ashamed.’ I heard him say to himself, just before I closed the door behind me.

I shivered on my walk home, shuddering constantly as I recalled the Rav’s face when he saw me, splayed out with his daughter’s head in between my legs. I tried to push it from my mind; instead, I wondered how cold Ronit would be with just a coat covering her shirt and tights. My house was not far from Mornington Park, I could definitely sidetrack there. Logic told me to go home and get warm, but my feet betrayed me. Soon I had the black gates that fenced the park in my vision; I headed directly for the bandstand. I heard the sound of whooping laughter and boys shouting as I turned the corner. A group of about ten teenagers were sat in various positions around the bandstand, all smoking and drinking. I strained my eyes through the dim light of the park, but I couldn’t see Ronit. I stayed there for several minutes, feeling the iciness creeping into my blood.

I started walking the path, avoiding the bandstand, back to the other exit that would take me home. That’s when I saw her. Huddled on a park bench, an orange spark of light ebbing from the cigarette in her hand. All of my worry and shame fell away. I approached her from behind cautiously; she was watching the party from afar.

‘Hi.’ I touched her shoulder.

She jumped slightly, but upon seeing me I saw her smile. ‘Hi.’ She replied with a shiver. ‘I’m really sorry I left.’

In the orange hue of the park lights, I saw her eyes were glassy and red.

‘It’s okay.’ I lied.

‘Did he give you a lecture?’

‘No, no I think he’s saving that for you.’ I lifted the cigarette from her and took a long drag. ‘Did you not want to join them?’ I asked, pointing at the bandstand.

‘I thought I did, but I don’t.’

I nodded as she juddered next to me. I dropped the cigarette to the gravel beneath us and pulled a spare cardigan from my satchel; I draped it around her. She sniffed and leant into me, my arm wrapped around her slender shoulders tightly. It was so odd this way round, it was normally always Ronit comforting me. I liked it.

‘Come to America with me.’ She said, still snuffling. My heartbeat hurtled blood to my brain.

‘Do you mean that?’ I asked with a tremble in my voice.

‘Yes. Of course I do.’

I waited, feeling my blood pulsing in each limb. ‘Okay.’

‘You will?’ She lifted her head.

‘I’d do anything for you.’ I said, feeling as though I might cry myself. The words didn’t sound like they were coming from me. They were too honest, too raw to be mine.

‘You’re my best friend.’ Ronit said, pressing her head against my chest.

‘I love you, Ronit.’

There was a small pause, I heard a glass smash near the bandstand.

‘I love you too Esti.’

We sat in silence, listening to the rowdy shouts near us, my arm keeping her close and warm. We left the park soon after that, hand in hand and laughing, forgetting all about being caught by the Rav. We kissed tenderly under a streetlight before we parted.


	10. The Purchase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unabashed, shameless fluff and I apologise. It's all been a bit deep recently.
> 
> I hope you all have good weekends.
> 
> CN

‘Some weekend reading for you.’ Holly awkwardly clattered into my office on Friday afternoon with a heavy bundle of folders. She slammed them onto the desk, knocking the photo of Esti, Daniel and me onto its front. ‘ _Flare Fest_ forms, hotel details, information pack. Plus, our past entries for you to research in case we get any questions – you’ve never been to _Flare_ before have you? Anyway, there’s also this year’s focus and a detailed explanation of why we’re singlehandedly leading the way in international social justice with photography – for your speech. It’s all about those controversial photos of the kids in those Guatemalan slums, story broke last year – do you remember that?’

‘There’s a speech?’’

‘Dear,’ Holly giggled and turned to leave. ‘It’s all in the pack.’

She left the smell of her perfume wafting in my office, it was grotesquely overpowering and caught the back of my throat; I had to open the window. I started to put the folders into my bag when I received a text from Esti.

_Dovid’s picking Daniel up this evening at 7. Is that okay? I’ve told him our address._

I replied instantly.

_That’s perfect. I might miss him, as I’ll be in prison for murdering Holly._

I finished putting the folders away; they made my bag feel like I was carrying a fucking tonne of bricks. My phone vibrated.

_That’s fine. As long as they allow conjugal visits. X_

I laughed and put my phone back down; I thought about her for a while afterwards. I thought about her a lot now. I thought about the shape of her face, her eyes, her lips. I thought about each freckle or mole on her body, the way her forehead crinkled when she was nervous or sad, the way her teeth shone when she smiled and the dimples in her cheeks when she laughed. I thought about her feet, her hands, her neck and shoulders, how her spine curved… I thought about all of her. I sighed and turned back to my computer; though Esti stayed in my mind all afternoon.

 

Oh god, what have I done?

I panicked as I sat on the busy tube, hurtling through the tunnels on my way home, clutching a black, paper giftbag to my chest. I checked my watch, it was only 6:15pm. That was good; Dovid would be a while yet. I lumbered home from the station, the weighty folders in the bag presenting me with a stabbing pain in my neck, all the while holding the black bag to me. Christ, what was Esti going to say?

I opened the doors and it smelt like home, my heart thudded a little harder.

‘You’re back early.’ Esti peered over from the kitchen as I took my shoes and coat off. ‘What’s wrong? You’re as pale as-’

‘Where’s Daniel?’

‘He’s… playing in his room.’ She was drying her hands with a tea towel. ‘What’s wrong Ronit?’

‘Nothing. But can we… talk… in the bedroom?’

‘You’re scaring me.’

‘Don’t be scared, don’t be. It’s not scary.’

‘What’s in that bag?’ She pointed to the bag I was still grasping, as though my life depended on keeping it pressed to my chest.

‘That’s – that’s what I need to talk to you about.’

Her forehead wrinkled. ‘Okay.’

We got into the bedroom, she had lit a candle that smelt like vanilla pods and my stomach flipped.

‘Can you close the door?’

‘Not fully, in case Daniel…’ She replied, still frowning. ‘Ronit, what’s wrong?’

‘Okay, okay.’ I said, peering at the door which was slightly too ajar for my comfort. ‘Let me give you some context first,’ I dropped the bag slightly, letting it rest on my lap as I sat on the bed; Esti remained standing. ‘Today, I was… I was thinking about you. I always think about you. But today, it went a bit… further. I worked myself up, basically.’

‘Right.’ Her arms were folded, and her eyes kept flitting between me and the bag.

‘I went out at lunch, to clear my head. And by complete chance…I found this… store.’

She frowned. ‘What’s in the bag, Ronit?’

I swallowed and released the bag from my clammy hands. I put it on the bed and pulled the top of it open, ripping the tape that had sealed it shut. Esti took a hesitant step forward and peered inside. I studied her face. She frowned at first, then her eyebrows shot up. Her mouth opened and closed, opened and closed.

‘Wow, Ronit… I…’

‘We don’t have to use it. At all. We don’t. I just thought… I got so worked up…’

‘We can use it.’ She said, still staring into the bag.

‘It was a stupid ide- sorry, did you say…?’

She looked at me and the sides of her mouth curved up. ‘I said we can use it.’ She turned back to the door and seeing that no one was there, she pulled it from the bag. ‘Oh, there’s more in here.’

‘I went a bit mad.’ I admitted, biting my bottom lip.

She held the main item in her hand and read it under her breath. ‘Six inches of pleasure. Intense vibrations for the giver, girth for the…’ She had a slight blush on her cheeks. ‘Well…’

‘There’s really no pressure.’ I reinforced the point, though hearing her read the description had brought all of the heat I’d experienced earlier back to my groin. ‘I don’t even know if we should use it. It was just an impulse-’

‘No, no. I’m happy… I think… How do we decide who wears it?’

‘Well,’ I laughed a bit. ‘I think that’s… obvious.’

‘Is it?’

‘Well, yes… it’s… me isn’t it? I’ve got to wear it, surely.’

She looked amused. ‘Is that so? Why is that?’

‘Because I’m always on top. I’m the… I’m the… top.’

‘You’re the top?’ She laughed. ‘What does that make me?’

‘The bot…tom?’

‘That’s vulgar.’ She said, grinning widely and studying the toy in her hand, creating a sweltering arousal in my stomach. ‘You’re not always on top.’ She said.

‘I -’

‘And, logically… you prefer receiving this type of …’

‘That’s true, but-’

‘I think I should wear it.’

My mouth gaped as I nodded. This really wasn’t how I imagined this conversation would go. ‘Okay. You can wear it. We can take turns, but you can wear it first.’

‘And the rest of the stuff in here?’

‘We can-’

‘What you doing?’ A small, high-pitched voice asked from the doorway. Esti slammed the box into the bag and spun around, attempting to hide the bag behind her, but she was so slim, it was clearly visible.

‘Daniel! Hello lovely.’ She said, her face was quite red now.

‘What’s in there?’ Daniel toddled in and headed for the bag.

‘Nothing, darling. Nothing.’ Esti hurried forwards and lifted him up. He squirmed and demanded to know more.

‘Present?’ He asked, peering over Esti’s shoulder. I sat there, doing nothing.

‘You know what we haven’t done in a while? Daniel the Helicopter!’

‘’licopter! ‘Licopter!’ Daniel shouted excitedly, forgetting all about the bag on the bed.

‘Yes! Helicopter!’ Esti carried him from the bedroom and started making chopper noises; before she left she stared at me and mouthed the words, ‘hide it’. I nodded and let myself breathe, contemplating the oddness of the entire situation.

Dovid appeared not along afterwards; he was alone this time. I heard Esti and Daniel greet him at the door. I had hidden the bag in the wardrobe, under a pile of coats. I wondered if Esti had seen everything that was in there. I suddenly thought of her in the lace suspenders I’d bought and stumbled into the wardrobe door.

‘Stop it.’ I whispered to myself, with a fist against my forehead.

‘… quite an extravagant room.’ I overhead Dovid say as he took a seat on the sofa.

‘Extravagance is my middle name, Dovid.’ I announced as I entered the living room. ‘No Shayna tonight?’

‘Ah, Ronit. No, Shayna is home with Jessica.’ He smiled, and it looked genuine; Daniel was sitting on his knee. ‘How are you?’

‘I’ve been very well, thank you. And yourself?’

Esti brought in a teapot and three mugs for us; she caught my eye and I saw her smile.

‘We’ve been blessed.’ Dovid looked pleased. ‘Jessica is still very much healthy, happy and noisy.’

‘I’m glad to hear it.’ I poured out the tea, so that Esti could sit down. I trembled as I tried urgently not to think about what Esti and I had done on that sofa a few weeks ago, before we moved in. I wasn’t successful, I felt a pulse in between my legs. What was wrong with me?

‘So, what plans do you have for this _Shabbat_?’ I asked loudly, handing Dovid a cup.

He laughed. ‘We will be spending time together as a family. Shayna was hoping to introduce Daniel and Jessica… properly.’

‘Properly?’ I took a sip of boiling tea and frowned. ‘They’ve already met several times.’

‘Mm.’ Dovid rested his cup down on a coaster. ‘Yes, they have.’

‘By ‘properly’ she means without Esti or me there, I assume?’ I said, failing to hold my tongue.

‘Ronit,’ Esti rested a hand on my arm.

‘I’m sure that’s not what she meant.’ Dovid said, his voice lowering.

I caught a side glance from Esti, and bit back my words. I swallowed more tea, scalding my throat. God, how I loathed Shayna.

Esti and Dovid kept up polite conversation; she told him about the fete that was happening the next day.

‘A pumpkin?’ He chuckled lightly. ‘I would like to see pictures.’

‘Oh, I’ll be taking hundreds Dovid, don’t worry.’ I assured him.

Esti laughed, but barely took her eyes off Daniel. I could tell she was going to miss him dreadfully. Whether she was still worried about Dovid and Shayna taking him away, she didn’t mention anymore. I told her constantly that she didn’t have to worry about it, not while I was there and actively blackmailing Shayna, though I didn’t tell her about the latter.

‘Right,’ about half an hour later, Dovid drained the final drops of his tea. ‘Shall we go my son?’

‘Yeah!’ Daniel hopped up and ran for the door.

‘Daniel,’ Esti stood up and followed him, getting his coat and bags and teddies for his weekend stay at Dovid’s. I saw them walk into his bedroom and heard her say ‘You be a good boy now, I love you so much.’

‘What time will you bring him back on Sunday?’ I asked Dovid, whilst clearing the cups from the table.

‘Evening, most likely.’ Dovid replied.

‘Good, I'll see you then.’ I stood up and turned to leave when Dovid called me.

‘Ronit,’ he stepped forward and murmured, clearly trying to conceal his voice from Esti. ‘It’s… good to have you back.’

I was stunned. ‘Oh, th- thanks Dovid.’

‘She missed you.’

I nodded, he nodded. And then he left with Daniel.


	11. The Fete

After Dovid and Daniel left, I held Esti in bed; the vanilla candle burned down until it puddled around the wick. There was no inference of sex, nor did either of us mention the bag that sat in the darkness of the wardrobe. I simply hugged her as our legs entwined and her head rested on my chest.

‘I feel so empty when he’s away.’ Esti spoke with a heavy voice, weighed down with sadness. I allowed my fingers to lightly stroke her shoulder as we lay together. ‘I miss him awfully.’ I felt her sob then. ‘I worry so much that Shayna will poison his mind.’

‘She won’t.’ I said trying to keep my voice as low and gentle as possible.

‘No?’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘What makes you so sure?’

‘I think she has other things to worry about; turning Daniel against you probably isn’t high on her list. It would take too much effort… he loves you too much.’

She laughed and her fingers stroked the fabric of my jumper over my stomach. ‘I’m so happy I have you.’

I kissed the top of her head and she sighed. We remained silent, and I closed my eyes. It was so peaceful, laying there with her, listening to her breathing; each second a gift.

She spoke quietly. ‘I don’t think I can… use the things you bought… tonight.’

‘That’s fine.’ I said, hurriedly; my eyes opened. ‘I think that’s absolutely sensible.’

‘I really want to use them -’

‘Esti,’ I spoke with my lips against her hair. ‘You don’t have to excuse yourself. It’s fine, another time.’

She kissed my neck. ‘Also,’ she leaned up and looked at me. ‘I have to rest for my debut show tomorrow.’

‘Oh, I’m so excited.’ I pressed my head against the pillow behind me. ‘If you don’t have a trailer and a runner, I will kick off.’

She laughed and moved up to kiss me.

 

The next day was cold, bright and windless; my favourite English weather. We strolled to the school in the early afternoon, holding hands. I had my fully charged camera and three different lenses packed, as Esti had previously forgotten to inform me that I’d been designated as the unofficial photographer for the fete.

‘If you forget to take pictures of me, that’s fine.’ Esti said, as we approached the school gates. Her hands were sweaty, and I felt her shaking a little.

‘Oh, I won’t forget. You’re not nervous, are you?’

‘A little.’

‘Darling, don’t be.’

‘What if I make a mistake, or fall over?’

‘I wouldn’t worry. I almost blinked at the rehearsal and missed you. You’ll do your line, and then it’s all over and we can enjoy the rest of the fete. Will there be apple bobbing?’

‘I think that was ruled out.’ I looked at her, crestfallen; she shrugged. ‘Something to do with hygiene. Oh no-’

‘What?’ I asked, but then I turned my head. Beth was just ahead of us walking into the hall; holding a deflated, bright orange mass of material in both of her arms. ‘That’s the costume, is it?’ I asked with a grin.

‘I would assume so.’

The fences around the playground had been decorated with plastic skeletons, cobwebs, witches on brooms and various reams of Halloween bunting. Esti and I perused the different stands that had been set up. There was a haunted house bouncy castle at the far end, a face-painting stall, some food vendors, and other arts, crafts and competition and raffle stalls – disappointingly there was no apple bobbing. The fete had only started around half an hour ago, there were several volunteers lingering around but it looked like we were the first visitors.

‘When should I start taking pictures?’

‘Probably when there are more peop-’

‘Esti!’ I heard a voice shout from across the playground. ‘Ahhh, what do you think? What do you think? Doesn’t it look good?’

Beth had raced from the hall to greet Esti; she was more casually dressed today. Black jeans covered her legs and a navy sweatshirt shrouded her, making her frame look skinny and boyish. Her hair wasn’t tied back but tousled and falling to her shoulders. ‘Good timing, we’ve just finished inflating your costume. Hi Ronit.’ She turned to me eventually, her smile a bit more forced.

‘Hi Beth.’

‘It looks great.’ Esti said, matching Beth’s smile. ‘Really great. How long have you been here?’

‘Oh, since this morning.’ Beth laughed and rested a hand on Esti’s arm again; she was incredibly tactile. ‘I _love_ Halloween, it’s like my Christmas.’

‘You know if you love Halloween,’ I edged forward, my hand still holding Esti’s firmly. ‘You should go to the Halloween parade in New York – it’s spectacular.’

‘Ah, yeah, New York. The Big Apple. You lived there… for quite a while, didn’t you?’ Beth said, nodding and still smiling. ‘How long was it again?’

I paused and eventually said ‘Many years.’

‘Many years…’ Beth repeated slowly. ‘Well, sounds like a fabulous recommendation. Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’

‘Are we… having another run through of the show?’ Esti asked Beth; I had felt her eyes on me the entire time I was talking.

‘A quick one, I think, yeah.’ Beth looked behind her and then back to Esti. ‘Why don’t you come backstage, get a costume fitting?’ She giggled, and it set my teeth on edge for some reason.

‘Oh, oka – okay, sure.’ Esti turned to me. ‘I shouldn’t be too long; why don’t you come with-’

‘Ooh sorry,’ Beth held her finger up. ‘Apologies, I really am sorry – it’s just cast members and directors allowed backstage.’

‘Oh.’ Esti looked confused.

‘That’s okay.’ I said, brightly. ‘That’s fine. I’ll catch up with you after your fitting.’ I was smiling at her; fully aware Beth was watching us closely. ‘I should stay out here and get photos, shouldn’t I?’

‘Are you sure?’ Esti spoke under her breath.

‘Yep.’ I smiled at her again.

‘Ah yes, our _unofficial_ photographer.’ Beth said, holding her hands in her back pockets. Was she standing closer to Esti, or was I imagining it? ‘I was going to do that,’ Beth continued. ‘But I’m so busy with everything else, you know. It’s a bit of a hobby for me, photography.’

‘Oh really? It’s a bit of a career for me.’ I replied.

‘That’s impressive.’ Beth said, smiling. ‘We’re all photographers with the right camera.’

‘It’s… a little more than that…’ I smiled. ‘Well,’ I turned back to Esti. ‘You should go for your fitting.’

‘I’ll find you afterwards.’ She said.

Our eyes met properly. Normally, in company we’d part without any grand show of affection, but I felt like making a display this time. I leant in and kissed her lips; I sensed Beth divert her eyes. Esti’s mouth automatically opened, but then she pulled away sharply, looking around us.

‘I love you.’ I told her. Her eyes flitted to Beth and back to me.

‘I love you too.’ She whispered.

Beth led her away from me then, looking somewhat defeated; Esti looked over her shoulder and waved at me before entering the hall.

I started taking pictures when the guests started arriving. My camera bag hung over my shoulder and I took long shots from the very back of the playground, trying to encapsulate the forthcoming crowds. I got some good candid shots of students and their parents, teachers, the volunteers running the kiosks. It was a pleasant event, somewhat dull but that was expected.

I checked my phone around an hour in, Esti had text me several minutes ago.

_I’m sorry I left. Fitting is finished, I look ridiculous. Staying dressed until show so now I’m not allowed to leave; meet after?_

I was disappointed and felt a small swell of suspicion around Beth’s intentions to get Esti backstage so quickly; at least it was only another half an hour until the show started. I text her back.

_That’s fine darling, I’m having fun being the “unofficial” photographer. Look for me in the front row xx_

I carried on photographing different elements of the fete, wondering if the school had provided disclaimer forms to the parents consenting to their children’s photos being taken. I doubted it.

About 15 minutes before the show began, I made my way to the hall. It had already filled up a considerable amount, but I managed to snag a chair in the front row; just to the right of the stage.

I watched the entire show again, just like it had been at rehearsal. One of those stiffly acted, awkwardly timed school plays I’d never actually seen in person but had often heard colleagues talk about. The parents seemed to love it, and by the time I was anticipating Esti’s part, the hall was electric, and the atmosphere was fantastic.

I took more photos of the actors and the audience; all without flash, which meant they were slightly too dark for my liking. I was just flicking through the photos when I heard the young girl delivering Esti’s cue.

‘Beware of the Pun King!’ She exclaimed.

The audience lit up as Esti entered the stage. There was laughter, kind-hearted and joyful laughter all around me. Esti’s entire face had been painted orange, a brown hat in the shape of a stalk sat on her head. A giant, orange inflatable pumpkin costume surrounded her, and a pair of orange Lycra tights sculpted her legs. I wondered, truly wondered, how she managed to look so beautiful. She said her line, the crowd roared. I was so absorbed and proud, I forgot to get any photos.

Then she was gone and the stage was empty; the audience standing and clapping. I noticed a laughing Beth greeting Esti as she descended backstage. It looked like Beth had hugged her. I told myself it didn’t matter, though I felt a swirl of some unknown but bitter emotion in my stomach.

I waited patiently by the door I knew Esti would come through as the hall emptied. The one she’d used in rehearsal. I heard some movement behind it and several hyped students stormed through it. They barely noticed me in their hysteria.

Esti came out eventually, followed by Beth. God, she was like a bad smell. Beth was still speaking as they entered the hall, but I didn’t care.

‘You were amazing!’ I practically yelled as I grabbed Esti into a hug. Her face still had remnants of orange face paint on it; staining her chin and her jaw. I heard her laugh and she wrapped her arms around me.

‘I didn’t see you in the front row.’ I heard her say. She pulled back slightly, and I kissed her again, completely ignoring Beth’s presence.

‘Well I saw you. And you’ll be relieved, I actually did forget to take pictures.’

‘Oh, we got some backstage, don’t worry.’ Beth interjected, her face forcing itself into my peripheral vision. ‘She was great, wasn’t she?’

I nodded, not taking my eyes off Esti. I tried to wipe some of the face paint from her chin with my thumb and she shied away.

‘I told you you’d steal the show.’

‘Oh stop, it was one line.’ Esti said, even though she was grinning.

‘And what a line it was.’ I replied before Beth could talk again.

‘I’m just heading for some food before the party,’ Beth said, even though no one had asked her. ‘You’re both still coming, aren’t you?’

‘Actuall-’ I started to say, thinking I’d suggest Esti and I go somewhere for dinner. I didn’t feel like socialising much, and something about Beth gave me an uncomfortable feeling.

‘We are.’ Esti said at the same time as me, clearly not hearing the start of my excuse. I didn't mention my idea after that.

‘Great.’ Beth said, wholly looking at Esti before saying she’d see us both later.

Esti was excitable as we walked through the fading crowds in the playground; reeling from the adrenaline of performing. I showed her some of the pictures I’d taken of the day, and she greeted some of her students. She called Dovid and spoke to Daniel for ten minutes while I took some fading shots of the crescent moon and then we sat on a bench and ate cheeseburgers and fries from the food van. It was strangely beautiful.

‘Where is the party then?’ I asked as the sky grew darker and the majority of people had left the playground. We were leaving too, heading towards the gates.

‘There’s a social club, just down the road.’ She rubbed her eyes.

‘Oh god, really? The one that looks like a crack den?’

‘Yes, that’s the one.’ Esti laughed and stopped walking.

‘What’s wrong?’

She took a deep breath. ‘Everyone is going to meet you tonight.’ She said, her face was contemplative.

‘I know.’

We were entirely alone in the playground now; the final stalls were being driven away in big trucks.

‘I haven’t told anyone about you, except for Beth.’ She said slowly. ‘And the majority of them, I would say, probably don’t even know I’m…’

‘A lesbian?’

She nodded. ‘I’d just like a few more minutes of you… just being mine.’

I laughed then and stepped towards her so that my lips pressed against her forehead. ‘I’d still be yours, even if the entire universe found out.’

‘I know.’ She kissed my lips with such softness I felt like she was made of silk. ‘But right now, you’re entirely mine. I don’t have to share you with anyone.’

We kissed for a while longer, her hands held my face and her thumbs caressed my cheeks. Eventually we decided to leave, we held hands the entire way to the club.

‘You kissed me earlier, in front of Beth.’ Esti said, acting coy.

‘I did. A complete accident.’

‘It was incredibly immature.’ Esti was smiling and her thumb stroked mine. ‘I loved it.’

‘You did?’

‘Mmhm.’

‘Well, I _loved_ those orange tights you had on earlier.’

She scoffed.

‘Honestly,’ I said, squeezing her hand. ‘Do you think you could bring them home? We’ll add them to the bag-that-must-not-be-named.’

We were still laughing as I held the door open to the social club.


	12. The Studio

The interior of the social club was exactly what I had expected. It was a medium sized, dingy hall; most of it was supposed to be a dancefloor. Enclosed booths lined the walls and several mismatched stools had been placed against the bar, that could probably only have four people standing at it at most.

‘There they are.’ Esti said, indicating the biggest booth at the far side of the room. A dozen people were crowding around a table, all of them talking and laughing. I was usually fine in these situations, so I don’t know why I felt a bubbling of nerves in my stomach.

‘Do you want a drink? I’ll get them.’ I suggested.

We made our way to the bar and I studied the drinks menu, which was seven items long; white wine, red wine, two different beers, an ale, vodka and tonic and tequila.

‘Whaddya want love?’ A large, red-faced man behind the bar put his newspaper down and waddled towards us.

‘Well, to tell you the truth I feel spoilt for choice!’ I hollered. ‘Any chance of a Strawberry Daiquiri?’

The man looked at me blankly. ‘You’ll have to speak up love.’ He pointed at his ear, where I noticed he was wearing a hearing aid.

‘Two white wines please. Large.’ I sighed, Esti was holding her hand over her mouth, giggling.

We took our drinks and I paid; we walked towards the teachers table. There were several other punters in the club; a group of elderly women sat in a booth invested heavily in a card game and there were two men in the corner playing darts. There was a DJ set up next to the bar, but no one was in it. The music was flooding from an old jukebox near the card-playing women. I think there was a Johnny Cash album on.

‘This is surreal.’ I said, taking a large glug of wine. It was cold, refreshing and surprisingly not bad. I took another sip.

‘You mean, this _isn’t_ like the clubs you frequented in New York?’ Esti asked, feigning shock.

‘It’s exactly like clubs in New York, that’s why it’s so surreal. There’s always a pensioner in the corner playing bingo, and the drinks are always written on a whiteboard. Ah sweet nostalgia.’

She laughed and swallowed some wine. ‘Are you ready?’ She asked. I nodded. ‘Okay.’ She turned towards the table, I trailed behind her.

‘Hello everyone.’ Esti said, and she was greeted by a mass of enthusiasm.

‘There’s the Pun King!’ A man jested, grey-haired and smartly dressed, he must have been in his late-40s.

‘When’re the Oscars, Esti?’ An older Indian woman with a friendly smile asked.

Esti batted away their compliments and eventually turned to me and said, ‘Sorry, everyone, this is Ronit. Ronit, this is everyone.’

‘Hello everyone.’ I said, actively avoiding Beth’s eyes; she was sat in the middle of the crowd of teachers.

They all looked at me, I think expecting a bit more information from Esti.

‘Ronit is…’ Esti paused. ‘My partner.’

The group made an uplifting noise. There were plenty of ‘lovely to meet you’s and ‘how long have you been together’s and one joking ‘you must give us some dirt on Esti, she’s so private’. We dragged some chairs over and sat with them, breaking off into smaller groups. I think Esti was relieved, her shoulders had relaxed.

We spent several hours there, speaking with each other sometimes but mostly speaking to others. Beth, for some reason or another, didn’t speak to either of us, which suited me, but I had been watching out for her; she’d been pounding shots at the bar the last time I saw her.

After the third wine, I started to feel lightheaded. The teacher, Tarik I think his name was, I’d been talking to about New York pardoned himself to go to the toilet, so I took the opportunity to stroll to where Esti was standing. She was talking with a woman whose face was red and was sporting an 80's perm. I just caught the last of the conversation as I got there.

‘- really had no idea, pet. I wouldn’t have made jokes if I had.’

‘It’s fine, honestly,’ Esti was holding her empty wine glass, then she noticed me. ‘Hello you.’

Her eyes were glazed, her smile slightly lopsided. She looked adorable; I wanted to kiss her, but I refrained.

‘Oh, hi Ronit.’ The woman turned and said. ‘Sorry, you must've learnt so many names tonight but here’s one more. Felicity Gregory.’ She held out her hand for me to shake.

‘Felicity! Mrs Gregory! Of course.’ I spoke over the country ballad that was oozing from the jukebox, taking her hand. ‘Esti always talks about you.’

‘Ooh.’ She laughed and winked at me. ‘All bad I hope.’

‘Absolutely.’ I replied, and she tittered.

‘Well, you know I think I’m just about spent ladies.’ She spoke to both of us, kindly. ‘These old bones can’t take this amount of fun anymore.’

‘I think we’ll be heading off soon as well.’ Esti said, her voice was higher and slightly slurred; she took my hand and gently gripped it.

‘Oh, you don’t have to make me feel better.’ Felicity chortled. ‘But thank you pet. You two have a lovely night.’

‘You too.’ Esti and I said in unison, and we saw Felicity say goodbye to the other teachers.

‘You’re ready to go then?’ I asked Esti, and she immediately pressed her body against mine. The lights had dimmed a little, providing the corner we were in with a pocket of darkness.

‘I’ve been ready for a while.’

‘Are you okay?’ I laughed nervously as she gently forced me back against the wall and edged her leg in between mine.

‘I’ve been thinking about the bag.’ She whispered, but she could have shouted because the warbling from the jukebox was so loud.

‘Have you?’

‘Mmm.’ Her tongue trailed her bottom lip.

I felt a tingling rush to my groin. ‘Maybe we should go home then.’

Her face was inches from mine; I could smell the wine on her breath, it was delightful. I wanted to take her there and then.

‘I just have to use the bathroom, I’ll be one second. Then we go?’ Her words were stammered, I felt the warmth pulsing from in between her legs.

‘Definitely.’ I said, staring at her mouth, which had curved up as she bit her bottom lip.

‘Okay. One second.’

She hurried to the bathrooms; they were quite near the bar, so I followed behind her, grabbing our coats and bags from the cloakroom, which was incidentally just a heap of clothes next to the bar. It was odd seeing Esti drunk; I had seen it before, I just didn’t think I’d ever get used to it. I’d just finished putting my coat on when I heard a garbling voice behind me.

‘You off already?’ Beth had pulled up a stool next to me and was leaning onto the bar; her eyes were drooping.

‘We are, but it’s been fun.’ I said, curtly.

‘Where’s Esti?’

‘She’s in the toilet.’

Beth snorted and held her head up with her hand. ‘Surprised you haven’t left without her. You’re good at that.’

I felt a heat in my stomach. ‘Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.’

She only laughed in response. I faced her fully, staring down at her.

‘Beth,’ I started saying; my mouth moving before my slow, wine brain could keep up. ‘I’m not entirely sure we’ve got off on the right foot.’

 ‘You know…’ She ignored me. ‘You’re not what I expected… at all.’ She was smiling at me as though we were two friends, drunk together at a bar. ‘But,’ she hiccuped and studied my entire torso. ‘But I can see why she…’ Her words trailed off; she must have seen Esti returning from the bathrooms.

‘Are you ready?’ Esti playfully grabbed me from behind. If she spotted Beth sitting in front of me, she didn’t react.

‘God yes. Let’s go.’ I scowled and turned, not quite sure what I was feeling. Beth didn’t say anything as we left.

Esti was lively on the walk home; understandably unfazed and carefree. She held my hand and stopped every now and again to press me against a brick wall or iron gates and kiss me, her hands wandering. I felt like I’d entirely sobered up by the time we got home.

‘It went… _so_ well this evening. Introducing you…’ She was smiling dreamily as we reached our front door.

‘They weren’t exactly going to get the pitchforks and torches out.’ I tried to sound like I was joking, but Beth had niggled me. Something didn’t sit right there. And I didn’t know what; that was the most frustrating thing.

‘No, I know, I know.’ Esti said, rubbing my back. ‘But still… everyone loves you…’

‘Not everyone.’ I mumbled, but she hadn’t heard me.

As soon as we got into the hallway, Esti pressed me against the door to the studio. Her hand moved straight to the zip of my jeans and her mouth locked to mine.

‘Esti, Esti,’ I tried to speak with her lips on mine. ‘Wait.’

She pulled back. ‘What is it?’ She stroked my hair behind my ear, it gave me a pleasant shiver.

‘I’m just… I don’t think I’m in the mood.’

‘Oh,’ her mouth was open, her eyes searching my face. ‘Why?’

‘Ah.’ I wondered whether to tell her. She was so happy, aroused and tipsy. I didn’t want to ruin that, but if I didn’t tell her… ‘Do you remember when I said we might be able to be friends with Beth?’

‘Beth?’ Esti took a full step back, looking confused. ‘You’re thinking about Beth?’

‘No, I mean… yes, but not like that.’

She was frowning, that crease in the centre of her forehead in full view.

‘I don’t think we should do that. Be friends with her.’ Maybe I was still a bit drunk.

‘Okay… Did she… did she say anything?’

‘Not really. I can’t remember. I don’t think she likes me.’

‘If she said anything to you, you’d tell me, wouldn’t you?’ Esti blinked several times.

‘Yes, of course, definitely I would.’

I could see Esti thinking, slowly coming to some sort of conclusion in her mind. ‘It’s not like you to care what someone thinks.’

‘That’s true.’ I agreed; she was right. Beth was an ex-girlfriend, I was the current. It was expected to a degree, wasn’t it?

‘Ronit.’ Esti stepped into me again, pushing her hips into mine. She slid my coat off and it fell to the floor; her mouth found my neck. In between relaxed kisses and tender bites, she spoke to me slowly. ‘I love you. I’ve always loved you… You’re the only person I’ve ever loved.’

She was giving me goosebumps; shivers ran over my arms and legs. I’d never heard her speak where passion punctured every syllable. Her hands were around my waist.

‘I love you too.’ I managed to muster as my arms wound around her body, she was so small.  

‘My whole life,’ she kissed under my chin and my cheeks. ‘It’s always been you.’

Her voice was breathy and emotional. I heard a deep complexity in her tone. She wasn’t speaking empty words; I felt it in the centre of my chest.

‘I gave you my heart when we were girls. You’ve always had it.’ Her mouth finally reached mine and our lips brushed. I sighed and allowed her tongue in; I pulled her coat off as our kisses deepened. She forced me, incredibly lightly, against the door.

Her tongue moved inside my mouth slowly at first, something in it reminded me of the hotel in London years ago. Those desperate kisses we’d waited so long for. I lost my train of thought, I forgot about Beth and something between us snapped. Our sensual kisses suddenly became hungry and rampant. We tore at each other’s clothes until our bodies were half naked and pressed against each other. Her mouth clamped onto my neck and I moaned loudly, feeling a yearning deep inside me. I pushed the door handle to the studio down and we fell into the empty room. There was time for a breath as I lowered onto the floor; Esti immediately straddled me and her lips returned to my throat. Her teeth grazed my jaw all the way to my earlobe as my legs writhed underneath her. My arms pulled her closer and we both groaned as our bodies smacked together.

Her mouth was in a frenzy. I felt her lips, teeth and tongue gliding over my neck, chest and stomach as she moved down. I inhaled sharply when her warm mouth reached my clit.

‘Esti.’ I gasped.

She exhaled, breathing hot air on me and making me jolt. I felt her teeth press against the soft flesh of my thigh and she sucked and bit me. Her tongue moved back to circling my clit; I moaned again, louder than before. Simultaneously, I felt her fingers inside me, easing in and curling hard. I cried out, my hips jutting into her. I could feel how wet I was, how ready I was; pulsing with desire.

My fingers clenched her hair and I pulled her in deeper.

‘Fuck me.’ I pined for more of her; all of her.

‘Mm.’ She murmured and sat up. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and took a deep breath. ‘I’ll be back, in one minute.’ She spoke in a husky voice, stroking my thighs.

Then she stood up, still scantily clothed and left the room with a slight stumble. I remained on the floor out of breath and my mouth dry; my clit was twitching and the cold, hard floor was making me shiver. I knew where she was going, and I was trembling with anticipation. She returned after a few minutes; I leant up. She was entirely naked now and wearing the strap-on, I took a quick mouthful of air. The cold air had made her nipples darken and stiffen, her waist dipped in; I saw the individual indents of her ribs that led to her perfect, white stomach.

‘Wow.’ I muttered.

‘What do you think?’ She asked, looking directly at me.

My chest was rising and falling quickly. ‘I think…’ I croaked. ‘I think I’m still waiting for you to fuck me.’

Her lips parted into an open mouthed smile; she stalked towards me. She knelt down in between my legs as I moved them wider for her. Her face was hovering over mine.

‘I’m nervous.’ She whispered.

‘Don’t be.’ I stroked her face and kissed her. ‘I’ll be gentle.’ I joked, and she gave a small laugh. Looking down, I saw her hand move to grip it.

I heard her swallow, then she flicked something that triggered a hushed, sporadic vibrating noise.

‘Oh g-’ She fell forwards, supporting herself with one hand on the floor. ‘That’s – god -’

Hearing her pleasure, knowing she was experiencing the sensitive pulse of the toy on her clit made me crave her more. I begged her, pleaded for her.

She nodded and straightened out, blinking hard and still gasping as her quivering hand guided it towards me. I felt the tip of it, stroking along the warm wetness in between my legs as her hand controlled it. Suddenly she thrusted the entire length of it into me. We both cried out, my back arched and my hands slapped the floor either side of me.

‘Fuck, fuck.’ I whimpered as she continued to ease it in and out of me. She moved carefully, her hips shaking as I felt the ridges of the strap-on deep inside me. She sped up, fucking me harder and faster and omitting a high pitch gasp each time she made direct contact with me as the vibrations shuddered through both of us.

Occasionally I’d feel the vibrations grow louder and become more intense, which made her elbows buckle. When that happened, her back would curve and she’d automatically slow down, with measured gyrations. But then she lifted my legs over her shoulders, and her entire body would return to quick, powerful thrusts. Her teeth sunk into my calf as her nails dug into my thighs. Eventually the friction, her moans and feeling her naked body slamming into me grew too overwhelming. My fingers gripped to the floor and animalistic groans formed in my throat.  

‘Ronit,’ she muttered as she pounded into me. ‘I’m going to com-’

‘Me too, me too.’ I panted.

She moaned and drove her hips as deep as she could, sending shocks through me.

‘Oh fuck... Esti.’ I caught a glimpse of her face, contorted with pleasure. She rolled her hips a few times and I fell into a resounding, shattering orgasm. I felt myself contracting around the toy, my fists balled, and my entire torso tensed against the hard floor.

I screamed her name.

‘Oh Ronit,’ she exhaled the word as I felt her fall out of me; then her naked body shuddered and dropped on top of me, she was breathless.

She took longer than normal to recover; she rolled off me eventually and I saw that her knees were grazed and raw.

‘You were right.’ I said eventually, looking down and noticing the red bruises her mouth had left on my legs.

‘About what?’ She asked and rested her arm on my stomach.

‘You wearing that was… the best idea.’

‘Was it okay?’ She asked, still taking deep breaths.

‘It was so much more than okay.’ I pulled her to me; her warm body on my skin contrasting so vastly to the cold on my back. I felt an ache in my shoulder blades and my spine but I didn’t care, not with her resting on me. ‘It was the best sex I’ve ever had.’

‘You’re lying.’ She said, but I could hear her smiling.

‘Honestly, it was. You’d make an amazing man.’

She laughed, her fingers trailed around my breast and into the centre of my chest. ‘I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not.’

‘Me neither.’ We laughed together and then again there was more silence. ‘Esti?’

‘Mm?’ She stretched out, I felt the strap-on against me, making my leg wet.

‘Can I take your portrait?’ I asked, staring at the high ceiling.

She was silent for a moment. ‘I’m a bit shaky.’

‘We can take it slow. I’d just… I think I’d like to capture this.’

‘Okay.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, I can’t say no to you.’ She hugged me closer and sat up, holding a hand to her lower back.

I sat up as well and kissed her shoulders and the top of her spine. ‘I’ll get my camera.’ I said as my bottom lip trailed along the nape of her neck. I was still in my bra but my bottom half was nude, I didn’t care. I went to the kitchen, picked up a stool and took it back to the studio, grabbing my camera on the way.

‘Do you want this on or off?’ Esti asked as I returned, holding the straps of the toy around her hips.

'Off, for now.’ I smiled, and set the stool down by the huge, white wall behind us. ‘You can sit, or lean if you wanted.’

She nodded and walked, entirely naked, to the stool and rested against it. I had to catch my breath again when I saw her in full view. She was looking at me with such vulnerability, I’d seen it before. The first time we’d kissed, the first time we’d fucked, the hotel in London, in my apartment in New York when I’d kissed her for the first time. Her eyes were wide, questioning and her lips were pursed so much so that it looked like she was pouting.

‘You look beautiful.’ I said, and she smiled. ‘I’m not usually naked when I shoot, just so you’re aware.’

‘I like it.’ She said playfully, placing her arms behind her.

I clicked the camera on and heard it whirr slightly, I brought it up to my eye and got her in frame. She was stunning.

‘Raise your chin, just slightly.’ I asked her, forcing myself to be as sympathetic as possible; this was quite an intimate shoot. She followed my instruction; it brought out the sharp line of her jaw which still had remnants of orange paint on it. My finger snapped on the shutter and I caught her image several times. ‘If you bring your leg… across your other, yes, that’s perfect. You’re perfect.’

I took more photos, each one more alluring than the last. She grew more comfortable with each release of the shutter. By the end, she was sitting entirely on the stool with her knees to her chest, staring directly into the lens.

‘God, you’re just…’ I was choked, I felt a pressure in my chest. I don’t think I’d ever done a more intense photoshoot.

‘How are they looking?’ She asked so casually, as though she was asking how dinner was coming along.

‘Every single one is… astounding.’

‘That’s because you’re an astounding photographer.’

‘Maybe it’s because you’re an astounding model.’

She laughed and rubbed her eyes. ‘I’m a cold model.’

‘Oh darling,’ I put my camera on the floor and went to her. She let her legs drop and I embraced her. She was chilled. ‘Let’s go to bed, I’ll warm you.’

‘I’d like that.’

We walked to the bedroom, and fell onto our cloud-like bed entwined; we wrapped ourselves in the heavy, down duvet and shivered together. Her cold legs wrapped around me and I kissed her again. We were falling asleep in each other’s arms, relishing in the warmth we were creating, when I heard Beth’s voice again, slicing through my skull.

_Surprised you haven’t left without her. You’re good at that._


	13. 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just read all of your comments on the last chapter - thank you so much! I'm so happy you're all enjoying, reading, re-reading, commenting. It fills me with such happiness, I can't describe it. You are all fantastic!
> 
> This was a tough chapter to write. That being said, I hope you all enjoy it.

I remember receiving my invitation to join the East Village Synagogue in New York vividly, because it was both one of the best and worst days of my life. I still have the original letter somewhere, crinkled and yellowed with age. I woke up early on a Saturday morning, which was odd for me. I’d already heard my father shuffling around so I wasn’t planning on leaving my bedroom until he left for some reason or another. But by chance, I walked to my window for a cigarette just as our postman was walking up our drive.

It had been several weeks since my eighteenth birthday, countless weeks since I’d sent away my forms to the American embassy. Esti had just recently sent hers off, as her birthday was a few months after mine. She had been so excited; but we had to be so secretive.

She wasn’t even allowed inside our house anymore, the Rav turned her away at the door when he was in. At school, the teachers ignored me and always found reasons for Esti to be busy when I happened to be around. My timetable had even been modified, to be the opposite of hers. It was all my fathers doing, I knew it was. Though Esti thought I was being paranoid.

He’d given me countless lectures on my selfishness, my sinful choices, the despicable way in which I wanted to drag Esti down with me. I’d heard it all. We were barely speaking, my father and me, so I didn’t _want_ to go downstairs but I did anyway. I double jumped the steps down, still with the cigarette in my mouth, yanked the door open and the postman’s smiling face greeted me. He handed me a bundle of letters and I thanked him before shutting the door quietly. I rifled through them, my heart thudding against my ribs. I was starting to lose hope for what felt like the hundredth time, when I saw it. A large, white envelope with a bright stamp on; an eagle’s head against an American flag. I almost vomited on the spot. I dropped the other letters and darted for my room.

I tore the envelope open with sweaty, shaking hands. I scanned the letter quickly.

_Invited on tourist visa… you will pay for cost of flight… all other expenses covered… look forward to welcoming you…_

I went through a surge of different emotions. I was still trembling as I thought it all through. On my eighteenth birthday I had received some money, rather reluctantly, from my father as part of my mother’s will. My flight was covered, and Esti’s was too if she needed it, which I knew she would. My family wasn’t rich by any means, but her parents were so frugal that Esti still wore her mother’s old school uniform. I had to tell Esti immediately, I was so eager to tell her I almost ran out of the house without any clothes on.

I realised and got dressed; I knew where I’d wait for her. The place we’d always meet whenever either of us were free. Sometimes one of us would be waiting hours hoping that the other would turn up, even if it was just for a few minutes. We’d created a sort of bunker in the grass field behind my house, we had outgrown the hydrangea bush a while ago. My legs had grown too long for it to be comfortable anymore, so we had to improvise.

In the very centre of the tall grass, there was a dip in the earth and a load of old building supplies that had been left behind by a construction company. We’d taken one of the sheets of metal and rested it over two dense stacks of bricks; it covered us from the pouring rain and protected us if the sun was too hot. But most days it would be cool and dry enough for us to lay in the grass without a shelter. Those days where we could both stare at the sky and hold hands; and talk about our future… they’re the days I remember the most.

I darted to the front door and had just opened it a fraction when I heard him.

‘Ronit.’ His deep voice grumbled down the stairs. ‘Come here.’

I scowled, loud enough so that he would hear me. I climbed back up the stairs, worried he’d stop me from going out. Saturday mornings were always spent with Esti.

‘What?’ I asked him.

‘What is this?’ He was holding up a letter, a second letter that had an American flag in the header. Shit. Fuck. I must have missed it in my rush.

‘Why are you opening my mail?’ I stepped into his study. He was hunched over his desk, the mail stacked in front of him.

‘You’re moving?’ He asked me with no emotion in his tone. ‘I was waiting for this day.’

‘I imagine you’re incredibly happy.’ I spat. ‘Can I have my letter?’

‘Using your religion, your heritage … all for your own selfish needs.’ He scoffed and dropped the letter slightly. ‘I don’t know why I expected better.’

‘Give me my letter.’ I took another step forward. He scrunched the letter into a ball and threw it at my feet where I quickly retrieved it.

‘You would have broken your mother’s heart.’ He said quietly. ‘Get out.’

I ran back to my bedroom and unfolded the letter. It was just a follow up to the other one, a duplicate. A pointless letter that had forced me to talk to my father. I scrunched it up again and threw it onto my bed.

I left the house and made my way to the field.

 

Esti didn’t turn up for another few hours, by the time she arrived the spring sun had warmed the grass around me, some clouds passed overhead offering some relief. I told her all about the letter, she was thrilled. We talked about her own application and tried to work out how long hers would take to arrive.

‘You won’t leave until I get mine, will you?’ Esti asked, her fingers stroking my forehead as I laid in her lap.

‘Of course not.’ I had said. ‘I can put up with my father for a few more months at least.’

We kissed and undressed one another slowly. The grass made us both itchy, so whatever we did was often hurried and quick when we were there, unless one of us remembered to bring a blanket. Afterwards we would clothe ourselves and lay there for hours, if we were able to. We’d both actively avoid our weekend religious duties and family obligations. Esti never got in trouble for it though, which I suppose made me happy. I always took the brunt of it. Even when Esti had gotten too excited and given me a lovebite on my neck once; I had to cover it up, but the teachers found it anyway and told my father. I was screeched and yelled at, but Esti had faced nothing. I didn’t mind that, in fact I preferred it. It felt like, in a strange way, that I was protecting her.

We parted earlier than normal that evening, Esti had an elderly relative visiting and she had to be there for a special dinner. I waited for a bit longer by myself, thinking that in several months Esti and I would be jetting off, starting a new life. God, I was excited. I felt drunk on a tender love for Esti; I was so delirious that when I got home that evening I went into the kitchen and made myself a meal. Normally I’d eat something small in my room, but I ate in the dining room on that evening. I felt like receiving the letter had severed some of the hold my father had over me.

I heard the front door open just as I finished eating. I remained at the table, waiting for my father to inevitably smell the cooking and head in. I heard his heavy footsteps approaching.

‘A good daughter would have made her father a meal also.’ He grumbled.

‘I think we’ve both established I’m not a good daughter.’ I spoke, staring into my empty bowl.

He grunted in agreement and turned to leave.

‘I spoke to the Halper’s this afternoon.’ He said, facing away from me. The Halper’s were Esti’s parents; dreadfully boring and ancient even though they had a young daughter. ‘Esti was out for quite some time today.’

‘Mm.’

‘They were concerned for their daughter, naturally.’

‘Well, she’s a big girl. She can take care of herself.’

‘I hope…’ he paused. I hated it when he did that, almost for dramatic effect. ‘There are no plans for Esti… to run away.’

I clasped my lips shut, cursing in my head. I didn’t speak for long enough for him to assume the truth.

‘Ronit,’ he finally turned to face me, and sat opposite me at the end of the table. It had been a while since I’d fully seen his face. He was looking haggard; wrinkled and red faced. ‘I am going to speak with you for a moment, as though you are a mature, reasonable adult. A courtesy you are currently undeserving of.’

My jaw clenched reflexively, my eyes didn’t break with his.

‘Esti _cannot_ leave… she-’ He started speaking.

‘She can d-’

‘Do not interrupt me!’ He bellowed; I tried not to cower. ‘She _cannot_ leave. Not only would that be the most selfish act you would have committed, not only would she become an outcast, not only would her family disown her, her community abandon her… but… her mother is very sick.’

His last words changed the atmosphere in the room.

‘Sick?’ I asked.

‘Mrs Halper… is an incredibly unwell woman.’

‘But she…’

‘She hasn’t informed anyone, except Mr Halper and myself.’

‘…Esti doesn’t know?’

‘They do not wish to upset her.’

‘But…’

‘Mrs Halper knows her time on this earth is limited. She does not know which day will be her last. But surely… surely Ronit… you would not willingly put Esti through this. The ultimate suffering a child can go through, for her to be many miles away, not part of a community that will help her to heal… all because of you.’

I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t think. The certainty I had in the future was crumbling around me. What was I supposed to do?

‘Why would you tell me this?’ I asked.

‘I had to, to stop you from destroying their family more so than you already have.’ He paused for a beat. ‘You constantly claim you care for Esti. Well, now is your chance to prove it.’

He got up and left me, alone in the kitchen. I wished I’d eaten in my bedroom, but that was silly. He was always going to tell me. All of the sureness I’d felt, the joy in imagining our lives in America; everything we’d talked about was demolished. The road trip we dreamed of, both of us working in the City, the idea of laying in bed, our bed together, smoking and laughing, making love whenever we wanted… it was dashed.

Dashed because my father was right.

I couldn’t take Esti with me, I just couldn’t. Not if her mother really was sick. How was I going to tell her? What would I say? What would she say?

 

I didn’t go back to the den on Sunday. It was cowardly, I know, and my heart shattered at the thought of Esti sitting there the whole day waiting for me. But I reassured myself that she’d have to get used to it soon, on a larger scale – so, maybe it was a good thing.

I saw her first thing on Monday; she was sitting on a bench at the end of my road, waiting for me so that we could walk to school. I felt a rot in my stomach when I saw her face, and I had to hold back tears even though I’d spent all of Sunday crying.

‘Good morning.’ She said brightly. ‘I missed you yesterday. Did the Rav keep you in?’

‘Yes.’ I carried on walking, waiting for her to catch up.

‘Are you okay? Your eyes look sore.’

‘Hayfever.’ I lied.

‘Oh, I didn’t know you got hayfever.’

‘Well I do.’

She was silent then and we paced towards the school. She spoke a few times, but I didn’t say much back. Eventually she gave up; she tried to say goodbye as I headed to my classroom, coincidentally on the other side of the school. I couldn’t say goodbye to her, not without crying again.

I decided at some point during that day that I would have to make my departure quick. I would write back to the synagogue in New York, plan and pay for my flight, and then I would just do it. I’d just tell Esti. Then I’d leave. That’s all there was to do. There would be no waiting around, no pained expressions of our love while we waited for my departure. There would be none of that.

So, I set to work on my leaving, in secret. Whenever Esti mentioned her application or flying, or anything to do with America, I curbed the conversation.

‘Well, we can’t do anything without your letter.’ I would mutter, which would make her sink slightly. I prayed daily that her invitation wouldn’t turn up while I was still there.

I received a confirmation letter from the embassy when I went there by myself; I’d bunked off school one afternoon to try and speed things along. They helped me book my flight, though the excitement had entirely evaporated. Leaving was painful all over again; a necessity as opposed to a celebration. I felt like I was betraying her; I cried on the bus all the way back home.

My father continued to provide me with warnings and looks as we passed each other in the house. After a while however, they warped from harsh whips of his tongue to more gentle scolds, and then eventually he started to talk as though he actually liked me.

‘You have been staying inside more, of late.’ He said to me one day, poking his head into my bedroom.

I was reading a magazine on my bed, and I grunted. I just wanted him to leave.

‘Perhaps, there is still some good in your heart.’ And then he left. His presence reinforced and reminded me of why I still had to leave. And eventually I started to convince myself that perhaps me leaving was better for Esti as well. She’d always been more dedicated to her faith than I had, she could still lead a normal life, or leave the community when she was ready. I was selfish to ask her to come with me. While I plunged into the unknown, she would continue to have a network of support and stability for as long as she needed it; she deserved that.

 

Potentially the worst day of my life arrived on the Friday we broke up for summer holidays. I’d had a flight confirmation through in the morning’s post, so it was finally my time to tell Esti. I was due to leave the week after. There was no time left. I couldn’t put it off. I’d managed to avoid her the entire day, but the bell rang out at the end of the school day and she was waiting for me, so that we could go to our bunker. We always went straight there after school, to rip our tights off so that our bare legs could touch. We walked there, mostly in silence which was my fault; she noticed.

When we got there, she sat down next to me and stroked my covered leg. ‘What’s wrong?’ She asked, so quietly and lightly that she wouldn’t have moved a feather with her breath.

‘I have to tell you something.’ I said, the words catching on a hard lump in my throat.

‘Okay.’

I had to force it out. Thinking back to it now, it reminds me of when you have to make yourself physically sick when you’ve had too much to drink and the world is spinning around you. ‘I’m going to America… by myself.’

She laughed at first. I remember it so clearly, her light chuckle. But her smile very quickly transitioned into a confused frown. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I have to go by myself. I have to… go without you.’

‘Bu- but… but our… are you joking?’

‘No.’

‘Ronit-’

‘I have to Esti.’ I tried to swallow the lump away. ‘It’s…you know, it’s always been more important to me than you anyway. And people still like you here; you’re not hated and talked about and…you can still have a normal life.’

‘Ronit, this isn’t funny.’

‘It’s not a joke.’

‘But… I don’t want a normal life.’ She looked offended. ‘I want a life with you.’

‘It’s not possible Esti.’ I coughed to back a sob down. ‘We were stupid to think we could both go.’

‘What are you… where did this come from? Did the Rav…?’

‘No. It’s my decision. And I’m going...next week.’

‘Next week?’ Esti’s voice broke, her eyes suddenly filled with tears. ‘Ronit, you’re not being serious.’

‘Please don’t cry.’ I had to avert my eyes.

‘I ca- I can’t help it.’ Esti said as her body shuddered and her face crumpled. ‘I can’t belie- I don’t believe you.’

‘Please stop crying.’

‘Stop saying that!’ She raised her voice. ‘You’re telling me I can’t come to America, you’re telling me I can’t cry… what’s wrong with you? What changed?’ Her face was so wet, she had to keep dabbing it with her sleeve.

‘Esti-’

‘What happened?’

‘I just need to go by myself.’ I started to make a move to stand up. ‘I don’t think we should see each other after today. It’ll be easier.’

‘I…’ Esti was hunched over.

‘I’m sorry.’ I squeaked and went to leave but she grabbed my hand.

‘Ronit, did I… did I do something? If I did, I can change… I’ll do anything. What happened?’

‘Esti, stop it.’ I yanked my hand away. My teeth were chattering, so much was I trying not to cry and embrace her I started to feel an awful chill in my bones. ‘It’s nothing you’ve done. It’s me. I’m the… I’m the fuck up.’

She didn’t say anything back to that. She just sat below me, stunned; her face growing redder and wetter. She looked so broken; I had to look away from her again. I tried to find a bird in the sky, a car driving in the distance, anything.

‘I can’t believe it.’ She mumbled through her trembling lips and my eyes snapped back to her. Droplets of her tears fell in between her crossed legs and seeped into the material of her skirt. ‘I don’t know what changed.’ She was talking to the air as if I wasn’t there. ‘What will I do... when I get my letter?’

‘You’ll… make a sensible choice… to stay here.’

‘But… Ronit, I love you.’ She choked slightly on the words as they came out, as though she was about to retch.

‘I lo…’ My voice faded. Was it a good idea to say it back? ‘I’m going now. I’ll… I’ll write to you, when I get there.’

‘What will I do without you?’ She looked up at me, I could barely recognise her. Her sadness was profound, grief had buried the colour of her eyes.

‘You’ll do better without me.’

‘I’ll die.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘I may as well die.’

‘Esti, stop it. For gods sake, it’s not like I’ll never see you again.’

‘Then…’ she took a deep but irregular breath. ‘Then I’ll wait for you.’

‘What? Don’t be stupid.’

‘I will. I’ll wait for you. Until… until you change your mind, I suppose.’

‘Esti, that’s… ridiculous. You’ve got to live your life, just like I’m going to.’

‘I have no life without you.’

 ‘You’re being ridiculous.’ I shook my head to battle against my tears begging to be released. ‘I’m going, I’m going now. I’ll write to you.’

She didn’t look at me, her puffy eyes were fixed ahead of her. Those were the last words I said to her.

I did write to her when I was in New York, I wrote every day… but she never responded. I don’t think that was her fault. I’m fairly certain her father and the Rav screened her mail, (her mother became bed-bound for several years after I left) and hid or destroyed any letters from me. I should have known that would happen, I should have arranged something else. But I didn’t. And one day I just… stopped writing.

And one day, I suppose I must have stopped thinking about her.

After several years, when the wounds had healed somewhat, I thought about her. I was happy, because I was sure that she was living a better life with someone she loved, so certain she had escaped our community on her own terms… not on mine.

How was I ever to know that she would have kept her word, and waited for me all those years?


	14. The Three of Us

I woke the next morning in agony. My knees were sore and sensitive even to the touch of the soft cotton sheets; my back and shoulders were stiff; my head was throbbing, and my mouth was crying out for water. It was strange because despite all of that, I felt nothing but ecstasy. I stretched my aching body and turned my head; Ronit was next to me, sleeping on her back, her hair smothering the pillow. The duvet covered her bottom half, but her chest was exposed. Goosebumps had settled over her and her nipples were stiff. I touched her breastbone lightly with my fingertips; she was cold, so I brought the quilt up to her neck. She sighed, and her mouth moved, but then she was deep asleep again.

I watched her for a moment. Once again, trying to absorb every minute, every moment. Because I’d very recently realised that no matter how many times she told me she loved me, no matter how much she told me that she wouldn’t leave… I couldn’t expel the fear that one day I’d lose her again. It had cropped up, and I hadn’t been able to shake it. Ronit turned her head and groaned slightly so I left her, thinking me being awake was disturbing her.

I tied my robe around me and went to the kitchen, filling the coffee machine with grounds and rubbing my neck. I poured myself a glass of water and downed the entire thing, it cooled my stomach. I was a bit dizzy, and probably hungover… I tried to remember the night before as clearly as I could. The studio, the strap-on, the shoot. I felt fuzzy when I recalled that; Ronit’s face when she’d seen me, the noises she’d made when I’d been inside her. I’d never understood that phrase before, fuzzy… but now I was experiencing it firsthand, the feeling of being wrapped in wool. Then, as though a fast-moving grey cloud passed over my vision I suddenly felt an odd emotion, like guilt mixed with sadness. Why was I feeling that? Where was this stemming from?

I clawed at my memory, what had happened before the studio? Ronit had said something, about Beth. The feeling intensified and I knew that was the source of the discomfort in my stomach. Why had she mentioned Beth? We’d been kissing, why would she have mentioned Beth at that point? I was still questioning myself when I heard a light tread behind me. I turned, went to speak but had to catch my breath.

‘Good mor-’ I gulped. ‘Oh…’

Ronit stood there, entirely naked and smiling dozily.

‘Good morning beautiful.’ She walked towards me and kissed me. Her fingers loosened the knot around my robe.

‘Did I wake you?’ I asked, in between her light kisses.

‘No,’ she kissed my chin and my jaw, just under my ear. I shivered as her warm hands moved over my breast.

‘What’re you doing?’ I asked, a small chuckle accompanied my words.

‘I was just thinking,’ her mouth moved down my neck; she bent her knees and lowered herself. ‘We’ve done it in almost every room in the house.’ She was kneeling in front of me now, her mouth kissing my stomach and one of her hands reaching inside the robe to support my back. ‘It seems a shame,’ her kisses moved down. ‘To waste the opportunity.’

Her mouth enveloped me, and I stumbled into the counter, my hand gripping the side as I gasped. Her tongue was hot and energetic. Flicking and sucking without breath, she moaned as I did. One of my hands grabbed the back of her head.

‘Ronit.’ I whispered. The coffee machine bubbled away behind me as her feverish tongue slid over my clit. ‘Oh- god-’

My back knocked against the cupboards as her mouth devoured me. Her hands had moved to the back of my thighs, pulling me closer. I wanted to lay down because my knees felt like they would give up. I bent double over her, holding her head, a nerve in my leg trembled in time which each roll of her tongue and pucker of her lips.

‘Ronit,’ I spoke again, my voice shaking. ‘I have to… I’ll collapse.’

She heard me, even though her ears were buried in between my thighs. She stopped for a moment and looked up at me. She got to her feet and lifted me seamlessly, as though I was light as air, onto the side. Her mouth was open and breathing hard, our eyes met, and we kissed. Her mouth was wet and needy, and I couldn’t help but moan when I felt her soft hand moving in between my legs. She pushed my thighs apart and her fingers stroked me. She worked her wrist as she slid inside me, I couldn’t contain myself. I was gasping for air, breathlessly respiring into her mouth as my lips trembled against hers. I was still so sensitive from the night before, I almost started crying.

The heat emanating from the coffee machine warmed my back as pleasure accelerated within me. Her mouth was on my neck now, clamped down. I was just on the verge, feeling the pulse around her fingers and starting to moan louder when the doorbell screeched out through the entire flat, freezing us both in motion. She pulled away from me and we looked at each other for a moment.

‘Is that- that- Dovid said he’d be back in the evening.’ She panted. ‘I’ll-’

‘I’ll get it.’ I jumped off the side and tied my robe up.

‘I’ll get dressed.’ She looked confused, echoing how I felt. It was disorientating as I stumbled to the door, still feeling the wetness and the absence of her fingers in between my legs. I looked back before I peeled the door open, to ensure she was out of view. It wasn’t Dovid bringing Daniel back thankfully, but another man, dressed in a baggy t-shirt, jogging bottoms and scuffed trainers.

‘Alright darlin’.’ I noticed his eyes automatically drop to my chest, I crossed my arms. ‘Sorry to bother ya. We’re just cutting the water in about ‘alf an hour for repairs. Should be an hour at most.’

‘O-okay.’ I muttered, feeling exposed even though I was clothed. I was suddenly aware of what I must look like, having just been interrupted in the act.

‘Do ya… live here by yourself then?’ His eyes peered behind me, then back to my chest and legs. ‘Do I need to tell yer ‘usband?’

‘Erm, no, no...’ I cleared my throat. ‘I’m not married.’ Where was this going? I wish I was more like Ronit. She’d have slammed the door shut already.

‘Ah.’ He replied, smirking now. ‘Well, maybe I’ll come back after, to let yo-’

‘What’s going on?’ Ronit had appeared behind me, wearing her own robe, which was cropped shorter than mine. ‘Hi there, are you selling something?’

The man was speechless, his mouth gaped. I saw him look Ronit up and down. ‘Ah…no... we’re just turning the water off.’ He stammered.

‘Okay… was there anything else?’ Ronit leant on the door, I edged to the side.

‘No, love.’ His eyes flitted between us both, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Maybe I didn’t want to know.

‘Great. Well, thanks for letting us know. Bye now.’

It looked like he was about to speak again but Ronit had already closed the door. She leant against it and laughed. ‘Jesus Christ. That’s one way to kill the mood.’

I stifled a chuckle. ‘You mean… you didn’t enjoy that? I’d planned it especially.’ She pulled me towards her and we kissed again, softer this time, with no undertones or hints of anything more.

‘I can’t say I did enjoy that surprise.’ She pulled back. ‘Oh, you’re not allowed to open the door in your robe anymore.’ She said playfully, wrapping her arms around so her hands clasped behind my back.

‘Oh, no?’

‘Absolutely not. I’m sorry, but I’m putting my foot down.’

‘You’re putting your foot down?’

‘Yes, it’s a new rule. I can’t have people looking at you like that.’

‘Well, I suppose I can try. You know how I love the attention.’ My arms moved around her neck and I kissed her, this time with the undertone of unfinished business.

 

We spent that morning in bed, in fact, we spent that afternoon in bed as well. Mostly we talked and laughed, sometimes there would be breaks where our mouths would stop talking and we’d kiss deeply and slowly. Neither of us mentioned Beth. We took a long, hot bath together later in the afternoon. She was adamant that she would wash my hair, massage my aching shoulders and kiss me all over as she went. It was glorious, I got out of the bath with my skin throbbing and the pain dissolved.

‘I suppose we have to get dressed.’ She said, laying on our bed in a towel. I saw that her legs were smothered in marks, scratches and bruises. A flicker of excitement shot through me.

‘I have missed Daniel… awfully,’ I said, watching her. ‘But… I’ve had a wonderful day, and last night was…’

‘I know, it was… quite something.’ She laughed, sat up and yawned. ‘You know, it’s not unhealthy for Daniel to spend more time with Dovid.’

‘I know.’ I said, almost defensively.

She didn’t speak for a minute, I imagine she sensed my tone. ‘I’ve missed him too.’ She said eventually. ‘Why don’t we do something nice this evening? The three of us?’

‘Like what?’

‘I don’t know… dinner? Somewhere child-friendly?’

‘I’m not sure what time Dovid is bringing him back.’

‘Well, give him a call. Or I’ll call him. I’ll tell him I made plans and I forgot.’ She was inspecting a purple bruise on her thigh.

‘That sounds fun. Do you really want to do that?’

‘I do.’ She looked up and smiled. ‘I’ll research some places.’

I was swathed in love for her. I felt this intense love clenching my chest whenever she did anything for or with Daniel. I’m not sure she knew or was at all aware of the power that had over me.

‘I love you.’ I said.

‘I love you too.’

I know I said it a lot, but every time she said it back to me, it was like a rainstorm after a heatwave; refreshing, life-giving and consuming.

 

We dressed, and I called Dovid. He acted slightly difficult when I mentioned bringing Daniel back earlier, but after I told him Ronit had made dinner plans, he conceded. She sat next to me, scrolling through a webpage on her laptop: _Top Ten Restaurants for Families in London._ Occasionally, whilst I was on the phone she’d point to one for my opinion. In the end we decided on a colourful looking restaurant near Oxford Circus. They had different play areas for different age ranges, a menu based on cartoon characters and an extensive wine list; that’s what won Ronit over, I think. She booked a table and we waited impatiently for Dovid to show up.

I was in the kitchen and Ronit was reading through a stack of folders on the sofa when I heard her phone ring.

‘Oh, for fucks sake.’ She picked it up and looked at it.

‘Who is it?’

‘Holly. Ugh, Jesus.’ She tapped it with her thumbs and threw herself back on the sofa. ‘Holly, hi. Yep.’

I listened and looked over from the kitchen. Soon, Ronit’s head was in her hand.

‘I’ve been reading all weekend, yes.’ She looked up at me and smirked. ‘Ah… right, it’s just, that’s very short notice – I haven’t seen a concept or… No, no I know. Yes, no- I’m aware but-’

My stomach dropped.

‘Sure, fine. I’ll see you then.’ She hung up and scowled.

‘What happened?’ I asked, acting as though I wasn’t scared.

‘My boss is a megalomaniac.’

‘Do you have to go somewhere?’

‘Brighton, tomorrow.’

I sighed with relief. ‘How long for?’

‘Just the day. God she’s just… fucking useless. How does she expect a good shoot when she just dumps shit like this? Delay the shoot if the photographer is sick. Fucking hell.’ She resumed reading through her folders, flicking the pages more furiously than she had been before. I went to sit next to her on the sofa and ask her more about the shoot; I suppose I was attempting to be comforting but I never really knew what to say. She eventually put her folders down and we talked about it as I stroked her leg. She received an email from Holly at one point.

‘Okay. It’s this up and coming male model.’ She scrolled and frowned, her jaw was tense, and it outlined her cheekbones. ‘On the beach, the pier, the Pavilion. Well, quite a day.’

‘Do you know what time you’ll finish?’

‘Not a clue…’

The doorbell rang then; I jumped up and ran to the door, so excited to see Daniel. I whipped it open and felt my face fall.

‘My boy!’ I’d already started saying when I felt an anger budding.

‘Mummy!’ Daniel ran at me and I automatically lifted him up onto my hip. All of his beautiful, black hair had been cut off. The gorgeous, thick curls that covered his head, that I was trying to grow out… all gone except for two short sideburns. It was all cut to the scalp and the crown of his head was adorned with a _kippah_. He was wearing a cotton _tallit katan_ under his coat.

‘Dovid…’ I started to speak.

‘Good afternoon.’ Dovid said with a smile.

‘What is…’ I felt the _tzitzit_ tickling my wrist. ‘What is this?’ I felt the venom rising in my veins.

‘He wanted it.’ Dovid said innocently, holding his hands up.

‘Oh, really?’ I was starting to shake. ‘Daniel, run in and say hello to Ronit, would you lovely?’

I put him down and he ran into the living room and I heard Ronit greet him excitedly.

‘Wow.’ I heard her say. ‘Look at you!’

‘What are you doing?’ I asked Dovid, under my breath.

‘Esti, really, we were just telling him about it and he-’

‘I’m sure you were. I’m sure you were telling him all about it. Dovid, I – I thought we had an understanding.’

‘We were just teaching him. You said we could teach him.’

‘You’ve butchered his hair!’ I yelped, desperately trying to keep my voice hushed. ‘His beautiful hair, Dovid.’

‘It wasn’t a true _upsherin_.’ Dovid squared his shoulders.

‘I don’t care! The result is the same!’

‘He wanted it.’ Dovid said again, firmer this time.

‘He is three fucking years old.’ I swore quietly but Dovid looks shocked nonetheless. I’ll admit that I even shocked myself.

‘Exactly. He is only three years old. Esti, our son is curious. It’s natural, and if he wants to learn then-’

‘And what happens then Dovid? What happens if he suddenly decides he doesn’t want to be part of it anymore? Hm? Doesn’t want to learn? Will you let him go? Once he’s committed for life at three years old? And what… what if he’s gay, when he’s older?’ I saw Dovid flinch. ‘What then? Will you force him to marry a woman? Deny who he is? All because he showed some interest when he was three years old?’

Dovid was silent.

‘I can’t… I’m sorry. I can’t look at you.’ I stuttered. ‘I thought we understood each other.’ Dovid put his foot in the door before I closed it.

‘It is just harmless interest, Esti.’ He spat.

‘It is _not_ harmless. It’s everything but harmless.’ I felt myself on the verge of tears. ‘Goodbye Dovid.’

I closed the door, my hands trembling and clammy. I took a few breaths before I turned the corner into the living room. Daniel was sitting on Ronit’s lap, babbling to her. He’d taken off his _kippah_ and was scratching his head.

‘Daniel’s been telling me all about the Torah.’ Ronit said, wide-eyed and smiling. ‘And his new haircut.’

‘Don’t.’ That was the only word my mouth could assemble. ‘Daniel, come on, let’s get you dressed.’

‘I’m dressed.’ He replied.

‘Dressed in other clothes. We’re going out for dinner.’ I tried to inflect the last sentence with enthusiasm, but I think I failed because he looked at me curiously. As though he couldn’t comprehend why I was upset. I didn’t know either; maybe it was just dress up, maybe it was harmless. But a part of me felt like it was some distasteful power trip; another form of Dovid and Shayna claiming Daniel. It made my mouth taste sour. ‘Daniel, I won’t ask again.’

‘Ohhh.’ He groaned and jumped off Ronit’s lap.

‘Thank you.’ I said, walking with him to his bedroom.

‘Est, it’ll grow back.’ Ronit whispered and grabbed my hand as I walked past the sofa. ‘It’s not his fault.’

I faltered and sighed while she stroked my hand with her thumb. I leant down and kissed the top of her head before going into Daniel’s room. ‘I know.’ I said.

I got Daniel dressed and the more we spoke, the less anger I felt. He dissolved negativity with his innocence, his sweet nature. Ronit helped me tidy up his hair; we put him on a stool and she carefully cropped his new sideburns so that it was all even. I was relieved and by the time we were heading out, I was seemingly happy again.

‘Taxi then?’ Ronit asked after we left.

‘You have to stop paying for taxis everywhere.’ I laughed, and Daniel copied me.

‘You stop!’ He shouted with a huge grin.

‘Daniel, do you think Ronit gets too many taxis?’

‘Yes!’ Daniel was in between us, holding both of our hands as we walked to the tube station.

‘Hey now, I feel I’m being ganged up on here.’ Ronit said, but she was smiling too.

‘Daniel, did you know… that the other day…’ I spoke slowly.

‘Yeah?’ He looked up at me, his face so joyous and anticipating.

‘Ronit tried to get a taxi… to the moon.’

He burst into laughter. ‘No! Can’t taxi to the moon!’

‘She did!’

We carried on like that until we reached the restaurant. It was surprisingly empty, and Daniel almost had the whole place to himself. We ordered food and drinks, but he immediately ran into the toddler section of the play area with another young girl; probably his age. I nursed a small glass of wine while we waited for our mains, constantly watching him, even though he was only ten feet away.

‘Esti, don’t look so worried.’ Ronit sat back and took a sip of her red wine; a Malbec I think she said it was. ‘It’s a tiny room made of foam, what could happen?’

‘I know, I know.’ I looked at her. ‘Oh, you should have seen me with Dovid earlier, I think I would have surprised you.’

‘I could certainly hear you.’

‘You heard? Do you think Daniel did?’

‘No, no. He was jabbering away, he didn’t hear anything.’ She watched me, her mouth slightly pursed. ‘Do you… do you mind if I give my opinion?’

I felt awful then. Had I given her the impression that I didn’t care for her opinion? Perhaps earlier when I’d been a bit short, when she’d mentioned Daniel spending time with Dovid.

‘Of course you can give your opinion. I always want your opinion.’ I reached out and touched her hand, she returned my smile.

‘Maybe, it’s not a bad thing that Daniel sees… you know, more of that side.’

‘Okay.’

‘I just think, you know… he spends time with Dovid, Shayna, Jessica and the community; learns about Judaism, learns the Torah, wears the whole kit and caboodle and indulges in that side of it… then he comes home to us, and he learns tolerance, liberalism, a life with no obligations to any god or rabbi… a secular lifestyle. And then he can choose, can’t he?’

‘I suppose.’

‘It’s just… it’s the choice we never had, isn’t it?’

She was right. She was always right. It made so much sense when she said it.

‘But… what _if_ he chooses that life? The religious life?’

‘That’s the point, darling. If that’s the case, then it’s because of the freedom and choice you’ve given him. It would be painful, but you’d just have to remember that you did best by him.’

‘Mm.’

‘And if he gets a few years in and decides he doesn’t want that life anymore… we’ll be there. To welcome him back to our hedonistic and debaucherous lifestyle.’

I almost choked on my wine. ‘The poor boy; he doesn’t have great choices, does he?’

We laughed and held hands over the table. Our food came, and I called Daniel back. It was all delicious; I had a steak, Ronit had chicken and Daniel had a burger. He was having such a good time between eating and playing that I couldn’t bear to scold him for not sitting still. We even got dessert afterwards and his face was smothered in ice cream by the end of it; Ronit covered her own lips in ice cream as well, just to make him laugh. She definitely seemed happier and I forgot all of my woes when I watched her and Daniel together. It really was a beautiful evening, just the three of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are several references to Jewish customs/clothing in this chapter, so I've defined them for better understanding.
> 
> Upsherin - A hair cutting ceremony, normally undertaken when a young Jewish boy turns three years old.
> 
> Tallit katan - A fringed garment worn by Jewish males either under or over their clothes.
> 
> Tzitzit - Twined and knotted lengths of thread attached to the four corners of the tallit katan.
> 
> P.S. Thank you again for reading!


	15. The Lie

**Ronit**

I woke up in the morning to my alarm, the gentle notes quietly teasing my eyes open. The mornings were darker now; winter had arrived. Soon it would be Christmas, my first Christmas in England for many years. My first Christmas with Esti; I knew already that I had to make it special, but what could I do? Perhaps I could book Paris...

Esti stirred next to me, slowly waking herself. We had a routine on these cold mornings, I can’t remember when it had started but it involved either me pressing my chest against her back, or her pressing her chest against my back; holding each other for ten or so minutes before getting up.

‘I never want to leave this bed.’ Esti had whispered one morning; my arms had been around her, my face buried in her sweet smelling hair.

‘But who would make my breakfast?’

She had dug me, rightly so, in the ribs with her elbow.

This morning was sluggish, neither of us really eager to start the day; it was always like that on Mondays. I had a long, cold day ahead of me in Brighton, fortunately I didn’t need to leave until later in the morning. I received an email from Lucas the receptionist around midnight explaining I would be picked up by a chauffeur mid-morning. I’d read it just after my shower; I immediately offered to help take Daniel to nursery and accompany Esti to school.

‘That would be lovely.’ Esti yawned. ‘But you don’t have to walk me all the way to school.’

‘No, I’d like to. I don’t know what time I’ll be back tonight.’

‘Okay.’ She’d smiled. ‘If you’re sure.’

The sky didn’t brighten until we were leaving the house, when the navy transformed into dusky blue. Esti had wrapped Daniel in a thick coat, a thicker hat and mittens; he looked like a puffy barrel waddling to nursery.

‘Is Ronit coming to nursery?’ Daniel asked Esti as we all walked together.

‘Why don’t you ask Ronit?’ She said, sniffing slightly as though she were getting a cold.

‘Ronit, are you coming to nursery?’ Daniel craned his neck to look up at me, almost tripping over a crack in the pavement.

‘Unfortunately, I’m too big to be allowed in.’

‘Oh.’

‘But I will go all the way to the door, and wave goodbye to you as you go in.’

‘Okay.’

‘Is that okay?’

‘Yep.’

‘Good.’

I did exactly that when we got there. Esti signed him in with an electronic pass, hugged and kissed him goodbye, and told him and the nursery attendant she’d be back to pick him up later, but he had already run off. Ripping his coat off and throwing his backpack down and diving into the ball pit.

‘That nursery is so extravagant.’ Esti said as we walked the short distance to her school.

‘Only the best for you both.’

‘Are you sure you want to keep paying for it? We can find another one, I just feel so-’

‘Esti, it’s fine. As long as he’s enjoying it, and you’re happy with it.’

‘But it must be so expensiv-’

‘I’ve told you not to worry about that.’

‘I can’t help it.’ She said, I felt her gloved fingers weaving in between my bare ones.

‘Well try not to, won’t you? Let me worry about money. You worry about keeping him clean, fed and healthy… all of the practical stuff.’

Esti smiled. ‘Thank you.’ She said, humbly.

We turned a corner, and I saw the school gates. I had a sudden rush of nerves in my stomach. My memory flitted like a flipbook montage of Saturday; the fete, the play, the bar, Beth. I must have accidentally made a noise, because Esti looked at me.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Hm? Oh, yes, fine.’ I smiled. ‘I’m just thinking about sitting on a beach in this weather.’

‘Make sure you wrap up warm, won’t you?’

‘I wish I could have you dress me. Daniel looked ready for the Arctic this morning.’

She laughed and stopped just before we reached the gates. ‘I love you. You’ll text me, won’t you? Keep me updated with your day.’

‘I promise.’ I leant in to kiss her. She very quickly pecked my lips and pulled away again. I had to remind myself that public displays of affection, especially outside school, were still very much new territory for her.

‘Bring us back some rock.’ She smiled at me, her teeth shining in the gloom of the morning.

‘If I get a chance, I absolutely will. I love you.’

She rested her head against my chest and hugged me close. ‘I love you too.’ She took a step away then, and went into the gates, turning every now and then to wave back at me.

I lingered, for some reason. Something was keeping me there. I pulled out a cigarette, lit it and leant on a low brick wall a few metres from the gates. I watched the red buses roar past, the children running into school, the worried parents hurrying after them. And then I saw a face approaching the gates, a face that made my stomach convulse. She was wearing her blonde hair tied back today, a tight-fitting white shirt and pencil skirt; a leather satchel hung over her shoulder. I wanted to ignore her initially, turn my head and start walking in the other direction back home. But my body acted against me.

‘Beth?’ She hadn’t heard me, I stood up from the wall and walked towards her. ‘Beth!’ That time she did. We were both standing in the entrance to the school now.

‘Oh, Ronit, hi.’ I thought I saw a flicker of anxiety, but maybe I was imagining it because she was smiling now. ‘You know,’ she leant in as though she were going to whisper something to me. ‘You really shouldn’t smoke here.’

‘Ah, what about over there?’ I pointed to where I had been before, by the small wall.

‘I’m sure you can smoke over there.’ Beth hoisted her satchel up. ‘Well, have a nice day then.’

‘I was hoping you could stand with me, while I smoke.’

‘Oh, erm… I really should be-’ Her cheeks were reddening.

‘Just for a minute.’

‘S-sure.’ She followed me back to the wall, but I didn’t lean this time; I stood up straight. I had no idea why I’d asked her to join me, what was I going to say?

‘Do you want one?’ I asked, flicking the lid of the cigarette packet open.

‘Oh god, no thank you. I hate smoking.’

‘Mm. Me too. It’s disgusting.’ I said, exhaling grey smoke around us. ‘Beth, I’ll cut right to it.’ I was looking directly at her now, trying not to let her stare me down. Looking at her now, she was actually remarkably pretty, which made the whole thing worse for some reason. ‘The other night, in the bar, you said something about me leaving Esti. Me being good at leaving Esti. And I just wanted to know where that came from.’

Beth omitted a nervous, surprised laugh. ‘Ronit, I swear… I don’t remember anything about Saturday night. I was so drun-’

‘No, no I know. I remember. I know what it’s like being drunk. And I know we usually say things we’re too scared to say when we’re sober.’ I took a long drag after that, pursing my lips to exhale down, so that the smoke rose between us.

‘I’m sorry, I can’t remember.’

‘You see, I don’t believe that.’

‘I don’t remember.’ She said again. ‘Look Ronit, I’m going to be late. I have to-’

‘Because, _I_ think…' I interrupted her gladly. 'I think it was an intentional dig referring to the time I left… and went to New York.’

‘Twice.’ She muttered.

‘Sorry?’ I asked, straining to hear her.

‘Twice.’ She said louder. ‘You’ve left her twice.’

‘Aha. We’re getting somewhere.’ I laughed and threw the burnt-out cigarette to the ground. ‘It’s funny because, I would assume that you actually know very little about both of those situations. At least, from my perspective. So, I just wondered why you thought you had a right to say that sort of thing.’

Beth’s jaw tightened, her tongue pressed against her cheek. ‘Ronit, have you ever heard of abandonment anxiety?’

‘Dear god,’ I rolled my eyes. I also didn’t know what to do with my hands now that I’d finished the cigarette. ‘Are you a drama teacher by any chance?’

‘No. But I do have a degree in Psychology, and I can tell bad mental health when I see it.’

‘Esti’s mental health is fine.’

Beth nodded and smiled, an enraging patronising smile. ‘Of course you would see it that way.’

‘What is that supposed to mean?’

‘It just makes perfect sense.’

‘Oh, stop with that pseudo-psychology bullshit. Don’t stand there and pretend you know me, Beth.’

She was staring at me, she was unsettlingly calm. ‘Everything has always come so easy to you, hasn’t it? You’ve always just had her… right there in your back pocket. Picking her up, using her whenever you want just because she’s always been there, pining for you.’

‘Don’t,’ I felt a beast rising in my chest, my cold fingers started to tremble. I took a deep breath. ‘You have no idea what I’ve done for her. And you have no idea what she’s done for me. So why don’t you take your stupid fucking degree and leave us alone?’

‘You’ve never had to work for her. To wait for her.’

‘Ah. You know what Beth? This was a mistake.’ I stepped away from the wall. ‘It sounds like you made up your mind about me long before you met me, and I don’t actually care enough to change it.’

‘Do you know how hard it is being in love with someone who was never there, emotionally?’ Beth had straightened her back, we were similar heights. It was unnerving. ‘How difficult it was to break down any of her walls because of you?’

‘You left her too, Beth. Things aren’t always easy. It’s not always black and white.’

‘I left because she rejected me, _hard_. I didn’t have a choice!’

‘Oh please,’ I scoffed. ‘Saying you can’t move in is hardly rejecting you "hard".’

For the first time, Beth looked perplexed. She brought her tight forehead down into a frown. ‘What?’

‘I said, you asking to move in and Esti saying no isn’t a hard rejection. You just gave up at the first hurdle.’

‘Sorry… I’m confused.’ Beth licked her bottom lip. ‘Is that what Esti told you?’

I felt a heat tickling my neck and cheeks. ‘Yes… is that… not what happened?’

Beth’s lips curved into a smirk. ‘You should really talk to Esti about that. It’s… not my place.’

‘What are you talking about? What happened?’

‘I really have to go Ronit.’ She turned and walked back towards the gates, leaving me stunned.

* * *

  **Esti**

I was teaching English first thing this morning. I still had about twenty minutes before the first eager pupils turned up, so I prepared the classroom. I laid out the textbooks, wrote out the focus points on the board and prepared the audiobook. We were listening to a book by Enid Blyton at the moment; the students were enjoying it, but it was proving difficult getting them to analyse the characters and themes. Sometimes I allowed them to just spend the whole hour listening instead of working; we always made up for it. It was pleasant though, seeing them relax.

I was keeping an eye on the corridor outside my door for Beth. There was something I needed to speak with her about, to clear the air. Something Ronit had said on Saturday night had made me realise I needed to step up; I needed say something.

Once I’d set up the classroom and I hadn’t seen Beth go past, I decided to go and look for her. I went to her room first, she wasn’t there. I went to the staff room, the lunch hall, I didn’t see her there either. I was just about to give up and heading back when I saw her emerging from the toilets.

‘Beth,’ I said softly. ‘Good morning.’

‘Hi, hi.’ She said, not entirely looking at me. She looked ruffled, her cheeks were slightly red.

‘Do you have a minute?’

‘Oh my... you too.’ She sighed and touched her forehead with her fingers. ‘Yes, sure.’

I was slightly baffled by her reaction but we both walked back to my classroom. I closed the door and turned to her. ‘I was just… I wanted to ask you something.’

She was leaning against a desk, her face unreadable.

‘Do you think you can…’ I started, not knowing which route to take. ‘Ronit said something about you the other night, and it worried me. I don’t know if anything has happened, but-’

‘Can I just say, it’s heartwarming how much you two clearly talk about me.’ She started playing with her ponytail.

'What do you mean?'

‘Esti, why didn’t you tell her?’

‘What? Tell her what?’

‘About us?’

‘I… I don’t know what you mean. What're you talking about?’

‘She thinks we broke up because I asked to move in with you.’

I physically felt the blood drain from my head. ‘Beth... when did she...?’

‘Just now, she caught me outside. Why didn’t you tell her?’

‘I… oh god. Does she know?’

‘Why do you look so horrified? And no, she doesn’t. I told her she’d have to ask you.’

I started to breathe raggedly, I rested my hand on my own desk. Beth stood up straight and took a step towards me. She held out her hand and touched my arm. ‘Esti-’

‘You have to stop touching me,’ I wrenched away from her sharply. ‘I’m not- I’m not yours to touch.’

Beth made a noise then, halfway between a laugh and a sigh of exasperation. ‘I never was yours, was I Esti?’

I didn’t say anything. Thoughts were rushing through my head like rapids, I thought I might drown. Where was Ronit? Could I still catch her before she left for Brighton? I scrabbled to my bag for my phone; I had no messages or calls.

‘It’s always been Ronit, hasn’t it?’ Beth asked, her shoulders had drooped.

‘You… you should go. I have to- I should call her.’

Beth waited. ‘Yes, you should.’ She went to leave. ‘And try telling her the truth, maybe.’

She left but I didn’t notice. I checked the time, I only had five minutes until the bell rang. I tried calling her. It rang, and rang, and rang. I tried four more times before I heard a young voice behind me.

‘Good morning Ms. Kuperman.’

‘H-hello Arthur.’

I put my phone into my bag, and for the rest of the day I tried to teach.

* * *

  **Ronit**

It was a shit day, and a shit shoot. I was expecting the latter though; the model, Liam, was arrogant, rude and didn’t know his angles as well as he thought he did. He didn’t take critique or instruction well and we ended up having a scatter of arguments throughout the day. The first one happened on the pier.

‘Drop your chin! No, I said drop it. Why won’t you listen to me?’ I’d yelled over a strong gust of wind that had ruffled his hair out of place.

‘Why won’t you listen to _me_?’ He’d screeched back, his high-pitched voice slotting in nicely with the squawks of the seagulls.

‘Fuck this.’ I’d muttered and dropped my arms. ‘I’m having a cigarette.’

‘Good idea.’ He jumped off the rails and walked to his assistant, his eyes stabbing me with daggers as he passed me.

‘That’s a good look, can you do that for the camera next time?’ I jeered, he glowered.

I strolled to the end of the pier, chain-smoking as much as I could before I headed back. I picked up some rock from one of the kiosks there; enough for me, Esti and Daniel. I checked my phone; I had a few missed calls and texts from Esti within minutes of each other… from their tone I gathered Beth must have told her about our chat. I put it back into my pocket. I decided I’d talk to her later, I couldn’t get into anything at work. The shoot was already a disaster, this would just add to it. I’d forced the entire interaction with Beth out of my head on the long drive here.

Liam, his assistant and I plodded through the rest of the day, moving from landmark to landmark, never warming to each other. I had a few calls from Holly, but it was nothing important, she was just digging her nails in and exerting control.

‘Don’t upset him, will you? His father’s big in fashion.’ She’d whimpered on the phone.

‘Is that so?’ I said, shivering on a park bench watching Liam arguing with his assistant about the Starbucks she’d just got him. I wasn’t offered anything.

‘Massive, massive in fashion. So, keep him sweet.’

‘Oh, we’re getting on famously.’

‘Wonderful news Ronnie!’

She stopped calling eventually, and I returned to the shoot. He actually did give some better angles later on in the day, when the sun started to set. I was relieved because I called it a day around 6pm.

‘I think we’ve got it.’ I said, flicking through the final images of him standing near the North Laine, against a wall filled with colourful graffiti.

‘Took you long enough.’ Liam turned his sharp jaw up and sighed. His assistant ran to him with a lit cigarette. He took it without thanking her. ‘This has been fun.’ He said, his eyelids closing and opening slowly.

‘Are you taking the piss?’ I said, without thinking.

He threw his head back and laughed. ‘No, you’re funny. The banter with other photographers is… lacking. But I’ve enjoyed this.’

‘Oh, well… that’s good.’

‘Mm. Your name is… Renee, right?’

‘Ronnie.’

‘Pft.’ He blew out the smoke, I could smell the menthol. ‘I’ll make sure we meet again, Ronnie. Ciao.’

Him and his assistant left and I started the long slog up the hill to the train station, where the driver said he would be waiting for me. When I saw him, I groaned with relief and dove into the backseat.

‘Back to London?’ He asked.

‘Back to London.’ I murmured.

 

We pulled up outside the house around 8pm. I thanked the driver, and dragged my tired body up the stairs, opening the door slowly, and gripping the rock with my other hand. I wondered if Daniel would still be awake, so I could give it to him.

The lights in the kitchen and living room were off when I got in, and the whole flat was silent; for a moment I thought no one was home. But I noticed Daniel’s backpack and Esti’s bag hanging up on the hooks and felt settled. I hung my own coat and bag up and went to the bedroom, growing more anxious with each step. I pushed the door to, and saw Esti sitting on the bed, her hands clasped together in her lap. Her eyes looked tired and red.

‘Hi.’ I said.

‘You didn’t text.’ She whispered.

‘I was-’

‘You didn’t call.’

‘Esti, I was working.’

‘I was so worried.’ She leant forwards and her head sunk into her hands. For some time, I only heard the light crackle of a candle and an occasional breeze shaking the trees outside.

‘I was busy.’ I spoke facing the floor. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay. I’m just… glad you’re back.’

I nodded. ‘I suppose Beth told you about this morning.’

She nodded, still not lifting her head.

‘So… do you want to talk about it?’

‘What did she tell you?’

‘Nothing really.’ I remained standing even though I was desperate to sit or lay down on the bed, I could feel every step I’d taken that day resounding in my muscles.

‘Right.’ She raised her head then and exhaled. ‘Beth and I didn’t break up because she asked to move in with me.’

‘I gathered that much.’ I rested against the chest of drawers behind me, providing some respite.

‘We were… we were already living together. She was living with us.’

I felt a slight lapse in my heartbeat. ‘In your old flat?’

‘Yes.’

‘Okay.’

‘We broke up because… she proposed. And I said no.’

‘That’s… quite different.’

‘Mm.’ Esti’s eyes wouldn’t meet mine. She was looking at the door.

‘I still don’t understand why you wouldn’t just tell me that.’

‘Because we’d… I told you that when we’d just started talking. I was here, and you were in New York and this,’ she gesticulated around her. ‘This was so far beyond anything my imagination could have mustered. I had no idea that one day we’d be living together, and that Beth would be back at school… I had no idea this would ever come up-’

‘But why lie about it, Esti?’

‘Because- because if I had told you the truth, at that point... I thought… you’d run off again.’

‘Run off again?’ My ears went hot. ‘Why does everyone view me as this fucking… runaway? I had my reasons, every time I had reasons to leave- Jesus Christ.’

Esti stood up then. ‘I know, Ronit, I’m sorry, I know. I didn’t mean that. And I don’t hold anything against you. I don’t, really. I’ve let it all go, everything. It’s just, this was so early on. And I was terrified that if I told you the real reason, you would… you would stop talking to me.’

‘What was your reason then?’ I felt my impatience growing. ‘Why did you say no? Can you tell me now?'

‘I… The reason I said no… was because as soon- as soon as I heard her say those words… those words... it was wrong. As soon as they came out of her mouth, I realised that… my whole life… I’d just been waiting to hear you say those words to me.’

I felt my jaw tense.

‘But I know… I know that you’ve never wanted that. I know what you think about marriage, and sexism and institutional obligation and all of that. So, I didn’t dare mention it, I didn’t dare. I just- I knew at that point that I could never marry her.’

‘…Esti… I-’

‘It’s okay, I don’t need you to comfort me. I’ve accepted it. I accepted it a long time ago. We don’t have to get married, at all. I’m happy, I’m so happy with what we are now.’

‘Esti…’ My mouth was drying out because it had been open the entire time she had spoken. I tried to swallow to moisten it, but it was futile. ‘Esti, I had no idea you… wanted marriage.’

‘I don’t.’ She was flapping, holding my arms tightly. ‘I want what we have now, I don’t want you to get scared. I’m so happy with us- with this. Please don’t… don’t…’

‘I don’t believe in it, Esti. That whole convention… I just don’t- we have a house, and we’re together… in every other sense. I just… never even considered…’

‘I know, I know.’ She stroked my face and leant up to kiss me. ‘This is what I was scared of. You don’t have to do anything, we don’t have to do anything. There's no pressure. It’s not important to me. You’re important to me, Daniel is important to me. I just want to be with you.’

‘Are you- are you sure you don’t want…?’

‘Yes, so sure. I just want you, in whatever way you’re- however you want…’

‘O-okay.’

‘I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry, I should have told you.’ She studied my face, her hands still on my cheeks. ‘What are you thinking?’

‘I’m thinking… I need to sit down. It’s been a long day.’

‘Of course, of course.’ She moved aside and held my hand. ‘How was it? What happened?’

I don’t remember much else that happened after that. I told her about Liam, his assistant, the weather. I showed her the rock I’d bought, I snapped one in half and we ate it together. She rubbed my legs and held me, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d told me. I couldn't stop thinking about it at all.

No wonder Beth hated me.


	16. The Plus One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been reading all of your comments, I'm so grateful for all of them and for all of the kudos. I'm so happy that this fic is bringing others joy. It means so much, I hope you all understand that.
> 
> I'm sorry for the slight delay in this chapter, hopefully the length will make up for it.

So, it was done. I had finally told Ronit the truth about Beth and me, and I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt about it. The days that followed were uncomfortable, but at least she was still there. I suppose the whole thing could have gone better and it could have gone worse; for a few days she was distant and distracted, her eyes drifting off somewhere else. I wanted to know what she was thinking, I wanted to ask her, but the longest conversations we had were stilted, generally boring and domestic.

‘What shall we have for dinner?’, ‘how was work?’, ‘how is school?’… she didn’t ask about Beth. Though even if she had, I wouldn’t have much to say because even she was oddly keeping her distance. I felt like the only person I was really talking at length to was Daniel.

Funnily enough, I noticed in the days afterwards Ronit focussed on Daniel much more than she ever had. He was the main attraction; she’d come in from work and pick him up and talk to him and read to him, put him to bed and wake him in the mornings. My heart devoured it when I watched them, even though I knew it was happening because Ronit couldn’t face me in one way or another.

Whenever something on the topic of marriage or weddings came up on television or on the radio, I got an awful clenching in my stomach. It made me feel ashamed, and I don’t know why; I felt as though I was still a naïve teenager while Ronit had grown wiser and matured long before me.

I had to wait for a week after she’d learned the truth for things to be normal again. I woke up to the almost nostalgic feel of her lips lightly brushing the top of my spine, sprinkling along my shoulder and settling against my back. I heard her sigh, so I lifted her arm and wrapped it around me, resting her hand on my chest.

‘Good morning.’ I said, trying to keep my eyes open.

‘Good morning.’ Her sleepy voice trickled over me.

‘Did you sleep well?’

‘Kind of. Did you?’

I brought her hands to my lips and kissed her fingers. They smelt like her indulgent, expensive moisturiser. ‘So-so. What’s the time?’

‘It’s far too early for you to be awake.’ She kissed the nape of my neck. ‘Sorry.’

‘Don’t be.’ My eyes closed and I pushed myself further back into her, cocooning myself in the nook of her torso. I allowed myself to luxuriate in the joy of having her kiss me and talk to me normally again.

‘I’ve been meaning to tell you…’ I heard her legs rustling under the duvet to move up behind my knees. ‘I’ve got a work thing coming up,’ she was speaking so quietly, I could feel her breath tickling my ear. ‘It’s like a prelim party to _Flare_. But it’s in London.’

‘When is it?’

‘Friday this week. It’s at the V&A.’ She paused to yawn. ‘Will you be my plus one?’

I laughed. ‘That sounds… it sounds a bit out of my- what about Daniel?’

‘I thought Dovid could-’

‘I don’t… want to keep dumping Daniel on Dovid, whenever we have something to do.’ I felt bad for interrupting her, but it was necessary.

‘Well, I’d obviously love him to come,’ she flexed her fingers, catching my breast. ‘But it’s a late, adult thing. And I thought we’d agreed that Daniel should-’

‘I don’t think I’d fit in, Ronit.’ She didn’t respond immediately. ‘I’ll stay home and look after Daniel.’

She waited. ‘I think that’s a mistake.’

Please stop, I thought. You’ve just woken me in the most blissful way. Please don’t ruin this.

‘Esti,’ she continued, and my head sank into my pillow. ‘I’ve been here for a few months… and you know… all we’ve done that’s involved other people is go to that social club after the fete.’

‘And look how that turned out.’ I couldn’t help but say.

‘Please.’ She scoffed and pulled her arm away from me, even though I tried to hold onto it. ‘That’s not indicative of anything. Don’t take ‘I shouldn’t have friends’ away from that.’

‘We’ve had very different lives Ronit.’ I remained on my side. ‘Yours has been filled with people and parties and… mine has been-’

‘I know what your life has been like, Esti. I mean, obviously I don’t know exactly, but I can take a guess. I’m not… I’m not asking you to go and snort coke in a club toilet, I just think… I think if you come to this event… there’ll be interesting people there. You might actually enjoy yourself.’

‘It’s hard making friends when you’re a single mother, you know. You don’t have the time to go out and meet people and-’

‘I imagine it is hard. I imagine it’s very hard. And I have the…’ she sat up and rested against her pillow. ‘Utmost respect for you, for everything you’ve done for Daniel; the sacrifices you’ve made, all of the time you’ve given him. But… you’re not a single mother anymore. You’re also someone’s plus one now. And what’s more important, you’re _my_ plus one.’

‘Why is that more important?’

‘Because… I’ve never had a plus one.’

I turned to face her then, scepticism painted on my face. ‘I don’t believe that.’

‘It’s true.’ Her mouth closed but she was smiling in her coy way. ‘I mean, I would normally find a plus one when I got there. But I’ve never arrived with one.’

‘I… don’t know what to say to that.’

‘Say you’ll be my plus one.’

‘Ronit,’ I groaned and rolled onto my back.

‘Esti, please.’ She turned, and her body was facing me. My eyes flickered to hers; they were pulling me in, continuously transforming me into an obedient puppy. It was the way she held her mouth as well, the slight glimpse of a sympathetic smile furrowing the corners of her lips.

‘Okay.’ I said with a sigh.

‘Really?’ She laughed. ‘Yes! You’ll have an amazing time, we’ll have an amazing time, I promise.’

‘You won’t be working, will you? Running off and taking pictures, leaving me all alone.’ I took the opportunity to put my hand on her abdomen, stroking her soft skin and trying to avoid the nerves that had just chugged into motion in my own stomach.

‘No, no, no. I am free as a bird the whole night.’ She exhaled loudly. ‘I’m excited for it now. You know, Scott might be there. Holly said he’s trying to get over for it, so you might get to meet him.’

‘That’s exciting.’

‘You’ll also have to meet Holly, which is a bit shit.’

‘I’m sure she’s not half as bad as you make her out to be.’

‘No… you’re right. She’s much worse. You get a very diluted version of her.’

I laughed and stretched out.

‘Oh,’ she exhaled, leant into me and allowed her lips to touch my forehead. ‘You’ve made me the happiest girl in the world.’

‘Well that’s something I suppose.’

‘And you know, there’ll be free wine all night, so even if you do have an awful time, we’ll make sure you forget all about it.’

 

The week that followed was one of great enthusiasm for Ronit, and I must admit, it was contagious. It was as though she had completely forgotten about Beth, she had returned to me. She was being so adorable, so attentive; any updates she got she would text me immediately.

 _Oh my god!!! Scott_ and _Billy are coming!!_ I received on the Tuesday before the party.

 _Guest of honour is being kept a massive secret. Not even Holly knows, so she says._ I received on the Wednesday.

When she was home, she’d talk more about the party. Her mood had clearly improved; she had something to work towards, something to look forward to. It was enjoyable, learning more about how she thought and how her mind worked.

I even started to look forward to it, despite myself. Despite knowing I would crumble into a bag of anxiety as soon as I stepped into the function. I began worrying about what I would do with my hair, my face and what on earth I would wear. Ronit could be glamourous at the drop of a hat; she could put a face of makeup on with her eyes closed, her hair fell wavy and voluminous naturally and all of her clothes had designer labels. Whereas, I had never known fashion. Years of hiding under a _sheitel_ , thick tights, ankle length skirts, long sleeves; it definitely had an effect. It taught me how to be uncomfortable in my own skin; I’d only recently just started wearing shorts.

I didn’t voice my concerns to Ronit. Mostly because I didn’t want to put a spanner into the cogs of her inner workings, but also because I was tired of being the nervous, miserable former Jew that always had something to complain about. I kept it at bay, indulging as much as I could into Ronit’s joy that I’d finally have an opportunity to make friends and that she’d finally be taking a plus one to an event.

‘My only one.’ She’d said absentmindedly whilst kissing me one night; she’d just had an orgasm, so I assumed she was delirious. ‘My only plus one, the only plus one I’d ever want.’

The Thursday before the event, I was watching television with Daniel when Ronit came back from work. His hair had grown a little bit, but I was still a bit disappointed every time I looked at it.

‘Ronit!’ Daniel jumped up and ran to her as he always did. ‘What you got?’

‘I’ve got presents for mummy!’ She pretended to whisper, her voice intentionally loud enough so that I would hear. I spun around and saw her. She was laden with an armful of huge, luxury gift bags.

‘Ronit, what have you done?’ I asked, startled by the names I saw emblazoned over the bags; _Dior, Versace, Gucci, Jimmy Choo_.

‘I went a little overboard in Harrods.’ She removed her coat; she looked slender and tall in that navy jumper I loved.

‘That’s becoming a theme.’ I retorted, moving to stand.

‘But, I just want you to have a look.’ She had strolled into the living room and placed the bags on the sofa. ‘I’ve kept all of the receipts, so… if you don’t like any, we’ll-’

‘Are they _all_ for mummy?’ Daniel interrupted her, his voice laced with a hint of disappointment.

‘Unfortunately, they are.’ Ronit made a sad face. ‘Oh, hold on. You know what, actually… I might have something here for you…’ She started rooting into one of the bags, delaying it for dramatic effect; Daniel was on his tiptoes. ‘What about… this?’

On her last word, she pulled out a remote-control toy digger, the one I recognised from _Paw Patrol_ , Rubble’s digger; Daniel’s favourite pup _._ His jaw dropped, and he screamed a little bit.

‘Thank you, thank you!’ He yelled and took the gift. ‘Mummy, Mum, look, look what Ronit got!’

‘Wow! Isn’t Ronit good to us?’

He nodded and tried to tear into the hard plastic, so I asked him for it.

‘Just to get it open, I promise.’ I held out my hand.

He reluctantly gave it to me, and I pulled it apart. He reached up greedily for it and when he had it in his clutches, he scampered into his bedroom.

‘Do you want to see mummy’s- oh he’s gone.’ Ronit said, staring after him.

‘Long gone.’ I laughed and greeted her properly with a kiss, which she returned with enthusiasm. ‘So, what is all of this then?’ I asked, gazing at the bags.

‘I don’t think I need an excuse to buy my beautiful girlfriend exquisite gifts, do I?’

I stared at her, my eyebrows rising.

‘Fine, okay. I just wanted to get you something… a few things… for tomorrow. I want you to feel stunning and elegant, because you deserve that and more, you deserve more than all of this, but this is all I could get on my lunch break.’

‘You’re-’ I was peeking into the large Gucci bag.

‘Charming? Romantic? Gallant?’

‘Ridiculous, I was going to say. But I love you. You’re ridiculous but you’re also all of those things you said.’ I kissed her again, I felt her hand on my waist.

‘Will you try it all on for me?’ She asked, her eyes glinting in the low light of the living room.

‘I will, definitely.’

‘Are you excited?’

‘Incredibly!’

I wasn’t lying about that. I was exhilarated at the thought of wearing these amazing names, but a part of me didn’t feel worthy of them. Again, I hushed the thought, grabbed the bags and made my way into our bedroom; Ronit followed eagerly behind me.

I perched myself on the end of the bed and she joined me.

‘Which order shall I…?’

‘Open this first, this is the smallest one.’ She passed me a small turquoise bag with _Tiffany & Co._ written on the side.

‘It’s heavy.’ I commented, pulling at the ribbon of the gift box inside. A flurry of anticipation seeped from my head down as I opened it. It occurred to me that I’d never received anything even remotely similar to this in my entire life. Not from my parents, not from Dovid, not from anyone. I glanced at Ronit before I lifted the lid of the box; she was staring hungrily at it. She looked up when she realised I’d paused.

‘What’s wrong?’ She asked, with a tiny frown.

‘I just… I just love you. So much.’

‘Don’t speak too soon; you haven’t seen it yet.’ She chuckled, I touched her cheek.

‘Honestly, I do love you.’

‘I love you too darling.’ She kissed my palm and held my hand. ‘Now, _please_ open it. The suspense is killing me.’

‘Okay, okay.’ I grinned and dropped my hand back to the box. I lifted the lid properly this time. A delicate, thin silver necklace sat on a velvet cushion inside, eleven round diamonds segmented the chain, each one glinting magnificently. ‘Oh Ronit.’

‘Do you like it?’

‘It’s… it’s so beautiful.’

‘It’s you, isn’t it? It’s beautiful, but modest. Iridescent but… understated.’

‘I love it. I absolutely love it.’

‘You do?’ She looked so pleased, such a striking grin she had. ‘That’s amazing. Now, onto the rest?’

‘Let me look at this a minute longer.’ My finger traced the diamonds in front of me, an unfamiliar rush of pride lit up and burned inside me.

It continued to smoulder as I opened each one of the gifts Ronit had bought for me. She insisted I try everything on as we go, by the end I could barely recognise myself. I was wearing a black, jersey dress with white trim from Gucci, it had beautiful, engraved buttons on the front. On my feet I wore a pair of sparkling, silver Jimmy Choo shoes, with a deliberate low heel as Ronit rightly guessed I probably wasn’t used to high ones. I had a quilted, black clutch from Versace, and a silver bracelet and perfume from Dior.

‘Ah, hold on. The _pièce de résistance._ ’ Ronit carefully pulled the _Tiffany_ necklace from the box and slowly lowered it over my head. It hung neatly in the centre of my chest, relaxing against the dress I was wearing. ‘Fuck, Esti.’

‘What do you think?’ I asked, catching myself in the mirror.

‘You’re just… utterly… I’m speechless.’

‘A rare feat.’

‘It truly is. That’s what you’ve done to me. That dress…’ She was consuming me with her eyes, I felt her cover every inch of me; she bit her bottom lip. ‘Daniel?’ She called out loudly, catching me by surprise. ‘Daniel?’

I heard his pattering feet approaching us. ‘What?’ He asked, glancing around the door. ‘Wow.’ He looked up at me. ‘Mummy.’

‘What do you think?’ Ronit asked him with a smile.

‘Pretty.’ Daniel said, still looking at me.

‘So pretty.’ Ronit repeated, picking him up.

‘You two.’ I tried to wave their stares away but they both carried on regardless. ‘I’m sorry to disappoint, but I have to take it all off now.’

I cautiously found homes for my new, glorious purchases while Ronit insisted she put Daniel to bed. I couldn’t explain what I was feeling, it was like relief. And as I laid in bed that night, falling asleep next to the love of my life, I finally felt a release of some anxiety that had been gripping me. A thought had floated through my mind; I was Ronit’s plus one; her only one. I felt a tear fall down my cheek just before I fell asleep.

 

‘I can’t do it.’

‘You can!’

‘I can’t, Ronit.’

‘You can, Esti!’ She was holding the front door open and laughing, her face was perfectly made up; red lipstick, dark eyes, perfectly contoured cheeks. Her thick, tousled hair hung past her slim, bare shoulders, as a white, sleeveless lace dress clung to shape of her waist and hips. She smelt like luxurious perfume. She’d done my makeup as well, subtlety but enough for me to think that I looked absurd.

‘You look so beautiful.’ Her arm dropped, and she held out her hand for me. ‘Darling, why are you so nervous? You’re a teacher! You stand in front of screeching kids all day.’

‘I have books there… I have a curriculum. This is talking to people about… myself.’

‘Esti,’ she took a step towards me, letting the door close slowly. ‘You’ve made me fall in love with you countless times.’

‘That’s different.’

‘How?’

‘You had no choice.’

She was grinning. ‘I’ve had plenty of choice in my life. And I’ve chosen you. Now come on please, the taxi’s waiting.’

I took a few deep breaths and a shaky step out of the door. Ronit held onto my hand the whole fifteen-minute drive there. She was on her phone, texting a lot of the way too. The bubbling nerves simmered away, making my stomach contract each time I breathed. I tried to distract myself, I looked over to Ronit’s legs; I tugged my fingers away from her hand and placed them on her exposed thigh. Her skin was smooth and cold like marble, it was soothing.

Finally, we pulled up outside the museum, the giant stone dome entrance had been lit up with bright, white beams.

‘Have you ever been to the V&A?’ She asked before we got out of the car.

‘No, I haven’t, have you?’

‘Never. But I do know they’ve got an exhibit I want you to see though. If we get five minutes, we’ll see if we can break away.’

A long line of journalists queued up outside, their collective breath visibly puffing above them in the freezing night. I heard their cameras snapping and I had to blink as the bright flashes blinded me as we walked along the carpet into the main foyer; Ronit continued to hold my hand.

‘Were they… taking pictures of us?’

‘They were.’

‘Oh god.’

‘They’re from specialist publications, don’t worry. You won’t be all over the papers on Monday.’ She was laughing, clearly excited.

We were offered champagne as soon as she signed us in. She had already started waving and smiling at people that passed us. She told me that she had seen Holly in the distance and reluctantly led me towards her, her hand still hadn’t left mine. We were stopped in the centre of the room by a towering man with a huge chest.

‘Ronnie!’ He shouted in a broad American accent that I couldn’t pinpoint.

‘Alexander!’ She let her hand drop then as he mauled her into a hug. He was balding, but the thin hair he did have shook as he held onto her; she looked so small compared to him. I worried he would break her back.

‘God, how long has it been?’ He held onto her shoulders as he asked.

‘Fucking years!’ Her voice had raised to match his. ‘Sorry, Alexander, this is Esti. My plus one for the night.’

‘She’s much prettier than mine!’ Alexander’s laughed boomed, then leaned in to kiss my cheek, he lingered there for a moment longer than I thought he would. ‘Pleasure to meet you, Esti.’

‘You too.’ I spoke quietly.

‘What do you do?’

‘I’m a teacher.’ I replied with a smile, feeling my hands clam.

‘She’s in a much more noble profession than us, Alex. Puts us to shame.’

‘Oh, a teacher. That’s beautiful, really beautiful.’ He was intense, looking directly at me. ‘Really special.’

‘Doesn’t get you invited to things like this though.’ I forced out the words and they landed; Alexander laughed.

‘No, I suppose not. Still, moulding those young minds. They’re gonna save us all.’

‘No chance of that.’ Ronit said flippantly.

‘Such a pessimist.’ Alexander nudged her arm with his beefy hand. ‘Ah shit,’ he had glimpsed up. ‘Ronnie, let’s catch up later, yeah? My plus one just sunk her third gin. Esti, great to meet you.’

He moved like a man who clearly had no idea how big he was, lumbering and swinging his arms completely unaware of his surroundings.

‘Ugh.’ Ronit’s hand resumed its position around mine.

‘He seems nice.’

‘He’s sober.’

‘Is he an alcoholic?’

‘He’s… no, I wouldn’t say that. He’s just an awful pervert when he’s drunk. Let’s keep you away from him.’

We finally reached the corner where a huddle of people were standing in a circle under a huge portrait of a royal, perhaps a Duke or a foreign prince. I took a sip of champagne and I wasn’t sure if it was helping or adding to the bubbles in my stomach.

‘Hi everyone.’ Ronit greeted them in a jovial voice. There were about six people, all dressed in beautiful suits and dresses, standing tall. But I didn’t feel out of place, I glanced down at my own outfit, and took a deep breath. Ronit introduced me to the group individually, their names I had already forgotten but I knew she worked with all of them in the London office.

‘Where’s Holly gone?’ Ronit asked, peering around us.

Just then, I heard a faint, croaky European accent behind us.

‘Ronnie, Ronnie.’ An incredibly thin woman was approaching us, her hair was bright silver and she had deep creases around her lips from years of smoking, I guessed.

‘Holly, you look gorgeous.’ Ronit said as they kissed cheeks.

‘Oh dear, I just threw this on.’

‘How do you do it?’ Ronit was grinning; she was so charming. ‘Holly, I want you to meet Esti.’

‘Oh,’ she gasped slightly. ‘Look at you.’ Holly gawped at me, her glasses almost slid off her nose when she reached my feet. ‘You are just making those labels your own, aren’t you?’

I didn’t know what that meant, so I just smiled politely. ‘It’s good to meet you Holly.’ I held out my hand, but she leant in to kiss my cheeks.

‘You too sweetie, gorgeous. Gorgeous girl.’

‘Are Scott and Billy here yet?’ Ronit asked, her fingers tapping her glass.

‘Oh honey, no. I didn’t tell you?’

‘Tell me what?’

‘Severe weather in NYC. Their plane got grounded this afternoon.’

‘You’re kidding?’ I saw Ronit’s eyes fall.

But Holly’s eyes had found somewhere or someone else now, and she staggered away without saying goodbye.

Ronit and I turned from the group to watch Holly leave; they were talking deeply about politics, Iran or Iraq maybe, I thought I heard one of them say the word Palestine so I wanted to leave quickly.

‘She seems nice.’ I commented, but Ronit looked incredibly upset.

‘I’m gutted.’

‘It’s okay,’ I stroked her arm. ‘I’m sure they’ll come over again soon, won’t they?’

‘Yeah, I- I just wanted you to meet them. And I really wanted them to meet you.’

‘I wanted to meet them too.’

She took a large gulp, finishing her champagne. ‘Well, I suppose we can just get drunk now.’

‘Let’s do that.’

 

We did just that. The drinks flowed the whole night, we were sinking white wine as though it was water. It helped my nerves, soon I was talking to everyone Ronit introduced me to. She kept her word and didn’t leave me the entire evening. A few times she was cornered by Holly and she was actively avoiding Alexander. We collapsed into giggles every time she yanked me away when she saw him approaching us.

I’d just finished a conversation with a fascinating photographer from the Netherlands, who had taken some powerful images of the recent volcano eruption in Hawaii, when a projected voice echoed through the speakers.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, apologies, we know it’s later than expected but our guest of honour has just arrived.’

An anticipating silence settled over the hall. Ronit was standing beside me, her hand slid over my hip. Everyone was watching the main stage, as a short man with spiky hair spoke to us.

‘You’ll all recognise her from her thus far, short but illustrious career in the fashion world, some of you may have even had the pleasure of capturing her famous image. She’s appeared on the front cover of _Vogue_ , _Elle_ , _L’Officiel_ , _W_ and had a recent groundbreaking spread in _Jalouse_ -’

‘No way.’ Ronit said, excitedly.

‘Plus appearances in hundreds more publications. It really is an honour to have her here at this pre- _Flare Festival_ event. Ladies and gentlemen, Audrey Bordeaux.’

The hall erupted in a cheer, Ronit’s arms flew up and I heard her whoop. I recognised that name. Where did I know it from? I scanned my slow brain and almost touched on it several times. I finally recalled it when I saw the model’s face. Her short, blonde hair, her sharp jaw, her pouting red lips; she was from the scrapbook. The golden scrapbook I’d found in Ronit’s box when we moved, the one Ronit had shot. Suddenly I felt embarrassed that I’d seen her naked chest and legs.

‘ _Mesdames et Messieurs_ ,’ her voice was breathy and engaging, I could physically feel the hushed audience hanging on her words; she carried on in her heavenly soft French accent. ‘What an honour it is to be here. Already, I see faces I recognise, I see new faces I want to get to know and most of all, I see faces of the people who are bringing the world together with the images they capture. Of course, of those of you I do know, I see you through the lens, but tonight is about the person behind the camera. The bright qualities you individually share, the light within you that shines through in the work you create.’

She carried on, knowing the crowd was in the palm of her hand. Ronit was buzzing next to me, edging closer to the front of the crowd, holding onto my hand.

‘And with that, _mes amies_ , I wish you a delightful event, a wonderful festival and the best of luck in your future work. I look forward to speaking with every one of you, _passez une bonne soirée_.’

There was more cheering, loud claps and whistling as Audrey stepped down from the stage; she was surrounded immediately, but Ronit had snuck through.

‘Audrey!’ She yelled over the bustling crowds. ‘Audrey!’

‘Ronit? _Mon Dieu,_ Ronit!’ Audrey leapt towards us, bypassing the clusters of people begging for her attention. She was even more beautiful up close and she smelt divine.

‘Oh my god.’ Ronit squealed, they kissed each other’s cheeks four times. ‘How are you? You look amazing.’

‘ _Non, non, non_ , you are beautiful. _Belle_ , I’ve missed you. Are you still in New York?’

 ‘No, no I’m here! _Les capitale_!’ Ronit said, gesturing wildly. ‘This, sorry… Audrey, this is Esti. My partner.’

Audrey looked at me properly then, she leant in and kissed my cheek twice; the strength of her perfume and the aura of confidence she gave off was intoxicating and hypnotising. ‘Esti, I am charmed, of course.’  She was taking in my entire face. ‘ _Digne d'adoration_ ,’ she was nodding and still staring at me, I had to swallow to clear my throat. ‘What is this word “partner”?’ She spoke, outraged. ‘So overly British, Ronit.’

‘Well, you know me.’

‘Partner.’ Audrey spat. ‘I hate it. So void, so placid.’ A waiter had dashed to Audrey and handed her a glass of champagne, which she accepted graciously. ‘You two are lovers, no?’

I could feel myself blushing. ‘I-’

‘If I’m not allowed to be overly British,’ Ronit held her finger up. ‘Then you are not allowed to be overly French.’

Audrey laughed at that, a soft giggle leaving her perfect mouth. ‘Oh, I have missed you, Ronit. I must go though, I _must_ talk to everybody.’ She leant into Ronit’s ear and her perfume wafted into me; I heard her whisper, ‘contractual obligations.’

‘Well, how long are you in London? We’re in Notting Hill.’ Ronit was nodding, her hand fell back to mine.

‘ _Mon trésor_ , I leave tomorrow for South Korea.’ She looked crestfallen. ‘But I’m back again before Christmas, we should meet.’

‘Absolutely, yes.’

‘We should schedule another shoot. You’re still my favourite, you know. _No one_ can find angles like you.’

‘Oh hush.’ Ronit said, but she was acting coy.

‘You are, you are.’ She touched Ronit’s cheek, then turned to me. ‘Esti, the partner, the lover. It was an honour to meet you. Anyone capable of taming Ronit deserves the utmost respect.’ She took my hand and kissed it, leaving a faint lipstick mark. ‘ _Au revoir_ my darlings.’

She floated away, into the masses of people hankering for a few minutes with her.

‘She’s…’ I started to speak.

‘She’s something else, isn’t she?’

‘Yes.’

‘It’s like she’s not even a real human being.’

‘She calls you ‘Ronit’.’

‘I know, she always has.’

I could feel us both gazing after her; I started to think that it must look slightly strange… two women ogling another in such plain sight. I took a sharp breath. ‘What was that… that exhibit you wanted to show me?’

Ronit’s eyes snapped away from Audrey. ‘The exhibit, yes! Let’s go. It’s on this floor.’

We walked together, with her leading us out of the foyer. Barriers had been put up, but we edged around them and moved into the darkness of the corridor, lit only by the round lights dotted along the floor.

‘Ronit, I don’t think we’re allowed-’

‘It should be... just through here.’ She whispered as we turned a corner.

This room was brighter; a wide glass case was pressed against the far wall, a bright beam of white light shone down on it from the high ceiling.

‘What is that?’ I asked, my voice echoing around the walls.

‘Go and have a look.’

I took several cautious steps towards it, increasingly aware that we shouldn’t be there. The startling light was dazzling my drunk eyes, but I carried on nonetheless. A stretch of papyrus with ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs and characters weaved across it.

‘Is this…’ I started. ‘This is the Book of the Dead.’

‘It is.’ Ronit was trailing behind me. ‘It’s on loan from the British Museum.’ I felt her face pressing into my hair and her arms enveloping me.

‘It’s… how did you know I loved…?’

‘I remembered your face in New York, when we had to leave the Egyptian exhibit. And,’ she kissed my shoulder. ‘I felt bad, because we’ve not been to any of the museums together yet.’ She kissed my other shoulder. ‘And I found out this was here… so I wanted to show it to you.’

‘It’s so… incredible. You’re so sweet. I love it.’

‘Well for the time being, it’s all yours.’

It was spectacular; all of the sound from the hall had disappeared so it did feel as though we were entirely alone there, as though it was mine. I absorbed the artwork, feeling slightly weak due to a mix of awe and wine. I tried reading the notes that were displayed underneath but the words were too small and my eyes were too fuzzy. So I just took it in, the entire work. Ronit was very patient and quiet as I stood there, enamoured with it.

‘We should go.’ I whispered after a long time.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Mm.’ I turned to her. ‘We’ll have to come back again, during the day.’

‘We must. We must do more things like that.’

I could see, in the light of the beam above us, her eyes were glassy but she was still perfect. My hands moved up to her cheeks and I moved to kiss her lips. They were soft and pressed delicately against my own. Our kisses intensified, her breathing quickened and her hands wandered.

‘Shall we,’ she pulled away, gasping. ‘Do you want to get out of here?’

‘I do.’ My hand had found its way to her chest, curving around the lace covering her breast.

‘Me too. Let me… let me say goodbye to Holly first.’

 

We left the party and clambered into a taxi together. The rain was torrential, and we got soaked as we both struggled to open the door to get inside the flat.

Outside was so cold, and our bedroom was so warm that as we undressed each other, carefully removing the expensive dresses we were wearing, steam rose from our damp bodies. We were sloppy, but it was still mind-blowing; it was funny, and we laughed a lot but the orgasms were still intense and loud. Afterwards, we were naked, breathless, and laying next to each other.

‘Do you want to know something?’ She slurred slightly, stroking the hair from my face.

‘What?’ I asked meekly.

‘You looked so beautiful tonight, that I actually had second thoughts about taking you.’

‘You didn’t.’ I rested a hand on her leg.

‘I did. I honestly got a bit scared.’

‘Scared of what?’

‘That you might find someone… much more beautiful and much more interesting than me to talk to. That you’d leave me for them, start a new life with them.’

‘That’s not possible.’ I said, stroking her.

‘Not even… with Audrey?’

‘Oh…’ I paused. ‘No, I’d definitely leave you for Audrey.’

We both collapsed into drunken simpers. Eventually we must have fallen asleep, but even then, Ronit continued to fill my dreams.


	17. The Shock

Ronit's suitcase had been sitting by the door for only a day, but each time I noticed it I felt sick. She was leaving tomorrow, and yet again she was taking my heart with her.

‘It’s only a week.’ She reassured me one evening, after she noticed me staring at it.

‘I know.’ I rubbed my eyes. ‘I’m still sad.’

Her lips pursed together. We were sat on the sofa, something was on the television that she’d been watching but I couldn’t focus on it.

‘I’ll bring you back presents.’

‘I don’t want presents, I want you.’

‘Esti, please.’ She groaned, and her head lolled back against the cushion behind her, exposing her long throat. ‘I already feel guilty enough.’

‘I’m sorry.’ I exhaled, trying to get rid of the sadness that was clogging my chest. ‘Do you have your speech ready?’

‘I’ve not practiced it. It’ll be fine though.’ She turned her head and smiled at me. ‘Will you behave while I’m away? You know the rules. No wild parties, no strippers, no drugs.’

‘You spoil all of my fun.’

‘I know what you’re like.’

I sighed but I tried to disguise it as a yawn. ‘I’ll barely do anything.’

‘That’s not good. Why don’t you invite Felicity over one night? Or take Daniel back to that restaurant?’

‘Maybe.’ I said, reaching out to touch her leg which she shifted towards me.

‘How’s… how’s Beth these days?’

It was the first time she’d asked about Beth since I’d told her about the proposal. ‘I’ve barely spoken to her. And she’s barely spoken to me.’

‘I feel a bit bad for her.’

‘Why?’

‘Because, it must be hard. You little heartbreaker.’

‘Hardly.’ I said, staring at her eyes, her nose, her lips.

Her attention returned to the programme; it was a documentary about a singer from the 1960s, she’d been recently commemorated for her work for women’s rights and equal pay; that’s all I’d garnered from it.

‘I’ll miss you too, you know.’ She spoke quietly, still allowing my hand to stroke her leg.

‘What will you miss the most?’

‘Going to sleep next to you, waking up next to you.’

‘What else will you miss?’ I asked, increasing the pressure of my fingers above her knee. She glanced down for a second and then back to me, she was smirking.

‘I can’t think of anything else.’ She feigned ignorance.

‘No?’ I shuffled closer to her, my hand moving up her inner thigh and my face steering past her hair. I gently allowed my teeth to graze her neck.

‘Still nothing.’ She said, respiring slightly.

‘Nothing?’ I was rubbing in between her legs now, my hand curving under her.

‘We should go to bed.’ She exhaled unsteadily.

‘Do you not want to finish this?’ I gestured towards the television, but she shook her head.

‘I’d rather go to bed.’ She reaffirmed.

She was talking in such a husky way that I felt a twinge, and I had to swallow to dampen a rise of emotion in my throat.

I tried to complete my bedroom routine, but each time I passed Ronit, and each time she passed me, we ended up kissing. She would push my hair back and bring my face closer to hers, our bodies would press together and the throbbing I felt in between my legs grew stronger and harder to ignore.

Finally, we reached the bedroom; I was pushed onto my back immediately, she was on her hands and knees over me, biting my hipbone, I gasped too loudly. She tugged playfully at the waistband of my pyjamas before pulling them off and throwing them to the floor, she did the same with my underwear. I felt her hot breath accelerate on my skin. The carnal need for her pumped through me; I raised my hips as an offering, but she pushed them down.

‘You’re not in control here.’ She said, almost through gritted teeth. I could hear the boldness in her voice, it made me twitch.

I immediately became submissive, laying with my arms by my sides, anticipating her touch. She took her time, she was unnervingly patient. Using her lips and tongue, she drew every breath, quiver and gasp from me with gentle precision. Her lips caressed me, the tip of her tongue flicked and furled. The longer she took, the wetter I got. I felt heat and desire emanating from her when she stroked me with her middle finger.

‘Esti,’ she whispered with a note of weakness; her finger was slick.

‘God- Ronit.’ I replied, I spoke only with my breath.

She slid her finger inside me easily, but immediately pulled it back. My body had tensed and released; I knew what she was doing.

‘Ronit,’ I spoke her name with intimacy lacing every sound my mouth made. ‘Please, don’t do this.’ I couldn’t help but smile.

‘Do what?’ She leaned over me, practically beaming. Her beautiful teeth biting her bottom lip. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

Again, with two fingers, she slid inside me and back out just as quick. My hand reflexively grabbed her elbow. It was so hard to stay quiet.

‘Why?’ I asked, drawing out the word. ‘Don’t you have to be up early?’

‘I don’t care about that.’ She spoke with her lips against the sensitive skin on my breast.

‘Nothing’s ever simple with yo-’ I mumbled, but I was cut off when her mouth closed over my nipple, which stiffened under her tongue. This time both of my hands came up, I grabbed fistfuls of her hair as she was inside me again, harder this time.

I was already so close to the edge, it was embarrassing. My body was electric and Ronit’s touch generated a current of euphoria, shocking every muscle. Her arm moved with rapid pace, thrusting in and out of me; I clambered for her face, I pulled her in to kiss me. With her tongue in my mouth and her frantic fingers inside me, it was a struggle not to come instantly. I fought against it, beating away the urge to fall to the pleasure of the friction she was causing.

I blinked to stop my eyes from rolling backwards and tried to ignore the strain in my begging throat, but then she stopped. She was breathing heavily. ‘Can we… can we try something?’

I tried to relax my heaving chest. ‘Yes, yes of course.’

‘We- we’ve done it before. Years ago.’

‘Okay.’

She had settled, her breathing was more regular, but she still look disheveled as she knelt above me. ‘Do you remember, the one time… we were at your house?’

I nodded. Of course I remembered that time; it was the only occasion Ronit and I had been intimate there. My parents were both out all evening at a family event, and I’d faked being ill so that Ronit could come over instead. We had been wild, for some reason. Maybe it was the new setting, the new risks involved, the fact we hadn’t seen each other for a while beforehand. Whatever the reason, we had been feral; rolling around on my bed, barely giving the other a chance to breathe before our steamy bodies collided in new, exciting ways.

I think I knew what Ronit wanted to do, but I wanted to be sure. ‘What in particular, did you… want?’

She didn’t explain it in words. She pulled the remaining clothes from her slim body and, entirely naked, she laid down on her side. Then I remembered. Then, I knew what she wanted. Her head lowered, and I felt her tongue again; attentive, slow and warm. I whimpered as I pulled her legs closer to me. I buried my own tongue inside her, relishing the feeling of her nails digging into the taut skin on my thigh.

‘You-’ she spoke with her lips on my clit, so I could barely focus on what she was saying. ‘You taste so fucking good.’

I moaned inside her. ‘I’m so close, Ronit.’ I said, thinking my quiet words would become lost on the way to her.

I’m not sure if she did hear me, but if she didn’t she must have known anyway. She started sucking gently on my clit, then she sped up gradually. I did the same to her. Soon, both of our bodies were tensed, waiting for the inevitable descent into ecstasy; the only sound was the occasional moan, and our wet lips coaxing pleasure from the other.

The orgasm caught me by surprise. It was different this time; Ronit’s body was moulded to mine, we were one, it was though we were sharing one, united, trembling plunge into paradise. It lasted for minutes; several teeth-clenching, fist-balling, silent minutes with our bodies clinging together.

‘Jesus Christ.’ Ronit panted afterwards. ‘Jesus fucking Christ.’

Our chests were shimmering, as though we’d been dipped in oil. Her face was next to my feet, and mine was next to hers. I could have fallen asleep like that; my body was spent. She sat up and slumped next to me, her knee came up and rested on my legs.

‘I’ll miss that.’ She said. ‘The most.’

‘Oh, you remembered?’

‘Yes.’

‘It’s only a week.’ I said, intentionally imitating her earlier words, which made her scoff.

‘I love you.’ She rested her head just under mine, I kissed her hair.

‘I love you too.’

 

I didn’t cry until after she’d gone; I was proud of that. She’d woken up exhausted, I could sense her tiredness in every step she took. I was already lying awake when her alarm went off, wide-eyed and contemplative. I heard her pottering around, showering, drinking a coffee, checking her emails… things Ronit did in the morning. Patterns I’d grown accustomed to, things I’d learned the sounds of, the rhythms of. I felt time passing quickly as I sat in bed and watched her. Eventually, the time I’d been dreading turned on me. It’s ugly face snarling, boasting that it was taking Ronit away from me again. She walked around to my side of the bed, her phone in her hand.

‘I’m going now, darling.’

I didn’t say anything, but I reached up to her. I held her face, and softly kissed her. She smelt like perfume, face cream and mouthwash. Each scent kicked my senses, reminding me of my stupidity for not paying more attention to them while Ronit was here, and only noticing them when she was leaving.

‘Text me.’

‘Constantly.’ She said, stroking my ruffled hair. ‘Go back to sleep, you’ve got at least another forty minutes.’

‘I can’t go back to sleep.’

‘Don’t mope around, will you?’ She was stern in tone, but her face was concerned. ‘I’ll know if you’re moping.’

‘I won’t. I promise.’ I continued touching her cheeks. ‘You look so tired, Ronit.’

‘Mm,’ she hid a yawn behind her hand. ‘It was worth it though.’ She kissed me again and hugged me close to her; she was there for a moment until her phone made a noise. ‘I really have to go.’

‘I love you, I’ll miss you.’

‘I love you, and I’ll miss you dreadfully. I’ll call when I get to the hotel; if you’re not in class.’

‘Even if I am, call anyway.’

‘I will.’

It was when she said her final goodbye, and I heard the front door close that I started crying properly. I told myself it was only a week, but god, time dragged when Ronit wasn’t around.

 

‘Oh goodness pet, are you feeling okay?’ Mrs Gregory, or Felicity as I should call her, cornered me in the staff room as soon as I got in that morning.

‘I’m just tired.’ It wasn’t a lie, I was tired. I went to my locker and placed my things inside.

‘Your poor eyes, chook.’ She put a hand on my shoulder. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’

I glanced around us, there were other teachers sitting around, so I leant in. ‘Ronit’s gone away for a week, for work.’ It felt odd, confiding in someone, but quite relieving.

‘Oh, poor love.’ Felicity hugged me. ‘Only a week though, aye? Five or seven days?’

‘Five… well, more like six. She’s back on Saturday.’

‘It’ll fly by, my love. I’ll look after you.’

‘Thank you… Felicity.’

We headed towards the large room next to reception together for our normal Monday meeting, which I struggled through. I sat next to Felicity; Beth arrived not long after us and sat opposite me. Felicity greeted her, but I didn’t look up. I had my phone in my hand the entire time, hiding it from view under the desk. I could feel the weight of my eyelids as Mr Phillips droned on and on; I thought for a moment I would close my eyes, just to relieve the tension.

‘-and that brings me onto some rather sad news.’ Mr Phillips said, twisting his mouth uncomfortably. ‘I received a call from Mrs Ahmad, last night – Yasin’s wife, yes – unfortunately…’

I was looking up now, everyone was.

‘Yasin… very sadly passed away, over the weekend.’

A stunned silence greeted the news; everyone’s mouths hung open.

‘Of course, this is a shock for the entire school. We will have a memorial assembly, a true commemoration to him and the many years he spent teaching here; I believe Mrs Taylor mentioned the installment of a plaque in his old classroom.’

I looked at Mrs Taylor; her face was still grimacing, but I could see her eyes were cloudy behind her round spectacles. I looked back to Mr Phillips, who had continued speaking.

‘And,’ he cleared his throat. ‘After speaking with Beth before the meeting… we’ve agreed that she will stay on permanently, to help us with this difficult transition.’

Everyone looked to Beth then. She shifted in her seat, looking down at her own lap; for a split second, her eyes flickered to me but when she saw I was watching her, they fell back down.

‘What are we telling the students?’ Mrs Barry, the haughty Year 3 teacher asked.

‘Well, it’s Beth’s – Yasin’s class that will bear the most sadness, understandably. I will be going with Beth to registration this morning, and we will both break the news to them. You are all free to tell your students the news, but please do it with ca-’

My phone vibrated loudly, I tried to stifle the sound with my sleeve, but everyone was already aware of it. My face burned hot with embarrassment as I saw everyone’s faces turn towards me.

‘Sorry.’ I mumbled.

‘Please,’ Mr Phillips continued. ‘Do it with care. And Mrs Ahmad very kindly told me that, we’re all invited to the funeral if we wish to go. I will keep you all updated on the dates.’

We all departed the meeting with a solemn slump, none of the teachers spoke as we all split off to our own classrooms. I saw Beth and Mr Phillips walk off together. I looked down at my phone; it was a text from Ronit.

_Just checked in. Can’t get a decent coffee for love nor money. I keep thinking about last night – already can’t wait to taste you again x_

Given the news I’d just heard, it felt wrong responding. It wasn’t Ronit’s fault, at all. I just couldn’t think of anything to say back to her. I put my phone back into my pocket, telling myself that I must remember to message her back. I sank into my chair just as the bell rang, the students started to appear, and I geared myself up to tell them the horrific news.

 

The whole morning was a write-off, from start to finish. I wanted to forget it. Some of the students in my class cried after I told them, which broke my heart. I’d forgotten to text Ronit back and didn’t look at my phone until the bell rang for lunch; she’d sent some texts and I had a few missed calls.

_We’re taking off now, I hope you’re not moping. I love you xx_

_Just landed, heading to hotel. I know you’re busy, but I would love some confirmation that you’re alive. Love you xxx_

_Darling, I’ve tried calling. I’m going for a quick nap and then I have to go out to meet some execs from_ Flare _board. Please text me, I’m starting to worry x_

I felt a rush of shame then, I sent a hurried text back.

_I’m so sorry, so sorry beautiful. We had bad news in the meeting this morning, Mr Ahmad passed away and it’s just been an awful day. I love you, and I miss you. And I’m so sorry. I hope you’re having a good nap. Xx_

I checked the time, I still had the majority of lunch left, but even though I tried to eat I wasn’t hungry. I couldn’t sit still so I started writing on the board; the news of Mr Ahmad’s death still hadn’t fully hit me. I knew him, not as a friend but well enough that knowing he was… gone… it felt wrong. He wasn’t even that old, only in his sixties. My thoughts and writing were disturbed by a weak knock on my classroom door.

‘Hi Esti.’ Beth edged in; her voice was croaky.

‘Hi Beth.’ I lowered my arm and clicked the lid of the pen back on. ‘How- how are you?’

‘It’s been a rough morning.’ She replied.

‘How are… the class?’

‘Oh, Esti.’ Beth burst into tears, right there in front of me. I hesitated, I genuinely didn’t know how to act. Eventually, I stepped towards her and hugged her. I tried to keep a distance between our bodies, but she’d pressed her hips against mine, her arms were wrapped tightly around my waist.

‘It’s okay.’ I said, feebly.

‘I didn’t- I didn’t come here to cry, I swear.’ She sobbed into my hair. The whole situation felt incredibly intimate. ‘They were so… sad, oh god, they were so sad.’ She pulled away and wiped her face. ‘I’m so sorry. I really didn’t- I came here to apologise.’

‘You don’t need to-’

‘No, I do. I wanted to say sorry for the whole, uh-’ She sniffed and took a breath. ‘The misunderstanding, I’m sorry if I upset Ronit. I’m sorry for all of it.’

I was quiet, trying not to look at her sad face. ‘Thank you, Beth.’

She was nodding. ‘I just came back, not expecting… I don’t know. There’s no excuse for it. I’m sorry.’

‘It’s fine, honestly. Ronit and I are fine, so there’s no need to apologise.’

‘That’s good.’ She was smiling quite genuinely. Her lips, which were thinner than Ronit’s, curved up at the corners. ‘That’s really good.’

‘You-’ I sighed. ‘You deserve someone who… loves you as much as you love them, Beth.’ I don't know where that came from, I suspect I'd been wanting to say it for some time.

She scoffed. ‘I need a Ronit of my own.’ She was smiling sadly, while leaning against my desk. I didn’t reply, so she carried on. ‘Hopefully she’s in London.’

I nodded. Absentmindedly, I almost said ‘my Ronit isn’t even in London’, but I refrained.

‘Thank you Esti. You’re… a good person.’ Beth stood up straight and embraced me again. Her arms were clasped behind me, but one of her hands was lower than before, too low. Her head was turned into me, I felt her breath on my neck. The hug lasted too long, I’d moved my hands up to her shoulders, trying to push against her to distance myself. Eventually, she stepped back, but her hand stroked just below the small of my back as she did so.

After she left, I felt odd. She was just sad, I told myself. She didn’t mean anything by it, did she?


	18. 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is set three years after the film, which for the sake of setting the story in the current day, I have as taking place in 2015. 
> 
> This flashback takes place approximately a year after Ronit left.

It had been a busy Friday, rushing from classroom to the school hall, and back to the classroom in preparation for Parent’s Evening and a school play later that week. I’d only just returned from maternity leave several weeks ago, so I felt there was a lot of pressure to get everything done, even though I was only back at school three days a week. Dovid was taking Daniel for the evening, which was a relief, but I couldn’t help but worry about him. His stranger anxiety had rocketed recently, and every day I’d left him at nursery, he just about screamed the building down. He’d also just started to teethe, which was an altogether new challenge in itself.

Mr Ahmad popped his head into my classroom, just as I was sticking some of the student’s artwork to the wall.

‘Everything well, Esti?’ He asked, in his soothing way. Everything about him was so calm, he acted almost like a tonic.

‘I think so.’ I replied, stepping down from the chair I was on.

‘If you need anything, you will let me know? I remember my wife after she had our two boys – never asked for help but could always benefit from it.’

‘I will, thank you Mr Ahmad.’

He bowed his head and went to leave. ‘Beth and I are going to have tea and biscuits in our class before the parents arrive… if you’d like to join us.’

Beth, the new teaching assistant. I’d been introduced to her when I’d returned from leave. She was shadowing Mr Ahmad, working towards her own qualifications. She was several years younger than me, typically pretty with blue eyes and dark blonde hair. Where I was thin, she was shapely; she dressed and carried herself much more femininely than I did. We’d spoken several times, she sought me out in the staff room and whenever I was on playground duty; she always managed to find me. I had started to find it mildly flattering, that someone younger and attractive would want to be friends with me. I needed friends, though romance was at the very bottom of my list. I still often thought of Ronit, and her parting words.

_Will you tell me where you are?_

As easy as I thought it would be then to tell her, I couldn’t bring myself to make a call. What would I have said?

_Hello Ronit, how is your wonderful life in New York? Me? Oh, I’m still the lonely, depressive ex-lover you left behind. Except now, I’m also a single mother._

I couldn’t bear the thought of it.

‘That sounds nice.’ I replied. ‘I’ll be there in a minute.’

I made my way to Mr Ahmad’s classroom after I’d tacked the last painting to the wall; he and Beth were sitting down at a desk drinking tea; a third, steaming cup for me was placed next to Beth.

‘Hi Esti.’ Beth greeted me with a wide smile.

‘Hi Beth. Mr Ahmad.’ I went and sat down. I mostly listened to them talk, as I nibbled a bourbon biscuit and sipped the hot, comforting drink.

It was nice, listening to adults talk. I loved Daniel with everything I had but sitting alone with a baby for the past few months had had an effect. Whilst I didn’t yearn for sensuality at all, I craved company, discussion, debate. I finished my tea, and the time came when I bade Mr Ahmad and Beth goodbye and returned to my own classroom. The nerves had started, I hated Parent’s Evening.

 

Overall the evening hadn’t been awful. The majority of the parents were very kind and asked about my pregnancy and how Daniel was getting on. I had barely any bad news to tell the parents, which was also a relief. There was one incident I didn’t care for; I had to raise the issue of severe misbehavior to Aaron Wilson’s parents. The father, who had been apathetic up to that point, suddenly turned and became aggressive and red-faced. I tried to keep calm, but I couldn’t help but tremble; there was something about hostility in men that made me feel weak. Their physical strength, the deepness of their voices; it made me feel very unsafe. Fortunately, he had been calmed by his wife, though not without attracting attention of passers-by outside the classroom.

By the time I’d cleaned up the classroom and reset the chairs and tables it was late; the light sensors in the corridor hadn’t turned on for a while.

‘Esti?’ Beth’s voice made me jump, just as I was packing away my things. ‘Don’t be scared, it’s only me.’

‘Beth, sorry.’ I turned back to my bag. ‘I thought everyone had gone.’

‘I stuck around… I heard Aaron’s dad threw a fit, I wanted to make sure you were okay.’

‘Oh, I’m fine.’ I looked up and smiled at her. ‘It was just the usual defensive… how was your evening?’

‘Seamless. Everyone loves Yasin, don’t they?’ She was leaning against the door.

‘Mm.’ I was just zipping my bag up, staring down at it. I sensed an odd energy in the room now Beth was here.

‘Do you know the boy, James Keough, in our class?’ She asked, randomly.

‘Y-yes, I think so. Long hair, and glasses?’

‘That’s him.’ Beth was chuckling. ‘His dad handed me this on his way out tonight.’ She was holding up a scrap of paper, a mobile number scratched on it.

‘Wow.’ I couldn’t help but laugh. 'When did he have time to write that?'

‘I have no idea. His wife had literally just left before him when he slid it into my hand.’

‘The audacity.’ I commented with a grin.

‘Oh,’ she sighed. ‘That’s just men, isn’t it?’

‘When are you going to call him then?’ I teased, now facing Beth.

She scrunched the piece of paper in her hand. ‘He’s not really my type.’

‘Do you prefer them not married?’

She scoffed. ‘I prefer them not men.’

It took me a minute to comprehend, my eyes narrowed slightly. ‘Oh,’ I scolded myself for acting so rattled. ‘I didn’t- I didn’t know you- you were...’

She was watching me, visibly entertained as my mouth grew dry. ‘Gay?'

‘No, no I had no idea.’ Although, I suspected a part of me did know.

‘Should I have told you?’

‘No, no I don’t mean- I didn’t mean that, I just…’ Beth’s lips were parted. All of a sudden, I thought of Ronit, I couldn’t shake the image of her from my mind.

‘Does it change anything… now I’ve told you?’ She asked, watching me.

‘Wh- what do you mean?’

She smiled. ‘Nothing.’

‘I- I’m going to head home.’ I stuttered, feeling a slight flutter in my chest.

‘That sounds like a good idea.’ Beth stood away from the door and opened it. ‘If you wait for me, I’ll just grab my bag.’

I nodded and obediently remained outside in the corridor, wondering for a moment whether I could leave without her catching me. But upon that thought, she emerged from her classroom wrapped in her beige coat that gave her an objectively remarkable figure. We walked out of the teacher’s exit together, then out of the gates, and along the dark, deserted pavements of the night. I wondered when she’d split off and go her own way, but she persisted and walked with me all the way to the bus stop.

‘Last bus is in five minutes.’ I stated, still feeling a burn on my cheeks.

‘I’ll wait with you.’

I stood with my back against the glass, facing the road. I didn’t say anything, and neither did she as we watched the occasional car drive past us. After a group of drunk men waddled past jeering, Beth turned and stepped in front of me, quite closely. We were directly underneath a street light and I saw her eyes watch my lips.

‘Beth-’ I muttered, but I was too late. She’d leant in, her lips were on mine. I kept my mouth closed, but again I thought of Ronit; I felt an overwhelming rush. I opened my mouth slightly, as she did. My hand found her cheek, which with my eyes closed could have been Ronit’s. I heard a car drive by and beep its horn, but I didn’t care. Beth’s hand curled around my waist, and she pressed her body into mine; I moaned slightly. She pulled back, and I was abruptly reminded that she wasn’t Ronit.

‘Do you… I live nearby, if you wanted to… come back?’ I could see her smooth cheeks were flushed, her eyes wide with arousal.

‘I should… really go home.’ An orb of shame glowed inside me.

‘Please?’ Beth begged, and pulled her hands back, her pink lips still parted.

‘Beth, I can’t.’

She nodded and kissed me again, harder this time, forcing me against the glass side of the bus stop. Ronit swarmed my mind; it was so wrong, so unfair of me to imagine Beth as someone else, but I couldn’t help it. Though Beth was different in how she kissed, I could still feel Ronit’s lips, Ronit’s tongue, Ronit’s hands. My core pulsed as I ran my fingers through her hair, it was thick like Ronit’s.

A double decker bus sped past us, my bus, the last bus. Beth pulled away and stared after it.

‘Shit.’ She said. ‘I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’ll order you a tax-’

‘It’s okay.’ I kept my eyes closed but left my hands on her head. ‘I’ll… get the tube.’

‘Are you sure?’ She wouldn’t let go of me, I could feel her face still so close to mine. ‘You can come back to mine.’

‘No, no.’ I forced my eyes open. ‘But, thank you.’

I could hear the rapid breath through her nostrils. ‘You’re a good kisser.’ She said, stroking my lower back.

I couldn’t reply, so I didn’t; she sounded young then, immature, even though I knew I was only three or four years older than her. I stepped away from the bus stop and tucked my hair behind my ears. ‘I’ll… I’ll see you on Monday.’

‘Maybe…’ She called after me. ‘Maybe, we can go out for a coffee, or something?’

‘Okay.’ I replied, trying to see Beth for what she was; an attractive, smart woman… instead of comparing her to Ronit. ‘I’d like that.’

She smiled. ‘I’ll text you.’

I nodded and walked off into the night by myself, feeling guilty. I checked the time, it would be the early evening in New York, Ronit might just be finishing work, or going out for dinner. I let that play out in my head on my long journey home.


	19. The Funeral

‘I’m so sorry about Mr Ahmad, darling.’ Ronit said softly, her voice clear, crisp and comforting through the phone that evening. Daniel and I were sitting in the living room together, I was on the sofa and he was on the floor, slamming his toys together and driving them around the coffee table.

‘It’s okay.’ I said. ‘It’s been a strange day.’

‘I bet. Do you know when the funeral is?’

‘No, I think we’ll… find out this week.’ I stroked Daniel’s head.

‘Will you go?’

‘I think so, yes.’ She was quiet, I think she was waiting for me to speak. ‘Has your day been better than mine?’ I asked, trying to veer away from the subject of death, which unsettled me greatly.

‘I’ve been meeting with the board all afternoon. I didn’t realise Holly was sending me all the way to Italy to be a dog’s body.’

‘I’m sure you’re more important than that.’

She sneered. ‘I doubt it. And they’ve introduced a stupid competition this year. It’s all very gimmicky.’ She took a sip of something. ‘How’s Daniel?’

‘He’s fine, playing with his digger.’

‘Have you told him that I’m in Europe’s boot?’

‘I don’t think he’d understand that.’

‘Tell him anyway.’

I sighed with a tired laugh. ‘Daniel?’

‘Mm.’ He was sitting cross-legged and looked up at me.

‘Do you know where Ronit is?’

He shook his head, even though I’d told him several times already.

‘She’s in a boot.’

‘Europe’s boot.’ Ronit whispered in my ear.

‘He doesn’t know what Europe is.’ I whispered back.

‘Ronit’s in a boot?’ He looked up at me, confused and frowning.

‘That’s where she is.’ I replied, he remained puzzled.

‘Did he laugh?’ Ronit asked.

‘Would it make you feel better if I lied and said yes?’

I heard her chuckle. ‘Okay fine, maybe he’ll find it funnier when he’s older.’

‘What are you doing for the rest of the evening?’ I asked, stretching my legs out on the sofa.

‘Well,’ she yawned. ‘Normally, I would go and find a bar. But I think I might just get some dinner and come back here and sleep.’

‘I’ve made you a bore, haven’t I?’

‘No,’ she laughed. ‘You’ve made me sensible. I have to be up early again tomorrow.’

‘My poor, tired Ronit.’

‘I know, woe is me.’ She took another sip. ‘Oh, I forgot to tell you. I spoke to Audrey earlier.’

‘Oh, is she there?’

‘No, she had ‘her people’ call me, as she put it. She wants to have dinner with us, in December when she’s in London.’

‘You’re away a lot in December, aren’t you?’

‘A few days here and there. Are you happy for her to come to ours?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘Not _too_ happy, I hope.’

‘A… platonic amount of happy.’

‘Good, well I’ll try and work on a date. Have you and Daniel had dinner? Did you see I left some money on the side in the kitchen, in case you wanted takeaway or something.’

‘Mm, I did. Thank you, you didn’t need to do that. We just had pasta tonight.’

‘I was thinking of having pasta, but god knows where I’ll find good pasta around here.’

It took a second longer than it should have for me to get the joke. ‘You’re out of luck there, I think. I’d set my sights on something else if I were you.’

We giggled together, and rounded up the conversation, we said ‘I love you’ so many times I lost count. I pressed the bright, red button on my phone screen to cancel the call and I sighed afterwards. A long, release of breath to empty the day from my head. I listened to Daniel play for a while, I heard him babble as he often did. He muttered the word ‘Ronit’ several times, which gave me a warmth in my stomach.

‘Daniel?’

‘Mm?’ He looked up again, pausing his very important game for me.

‘Do you want to sleep in mummy’s bed tonight?’

‘Um… can we have ice cream?’

‘Not in bed, darling.’

‘Please?’

‘What about… ice cream now, and hot chocolate in bed?’

‘Oh, yes! Please!’

‘Come on then, I’ll get us some ice cream.’

 

Mr Ahmad’s funeral was on Wednesday that week; Mr Phillips had sent all of the staff an email explaining that it was Islamic custom to bury the body within three days of passing away, it sounded as though he had done his research, which was touching.

 _Additionally,_ his email said. _I have been discussing with the school council the fact that the majority of teachers wish to attend Yasin’s funeral. Due to this, there has been an agreed suspension of the school day in respect of him. I have written to students and their parents, and they have also been invited to the service._

He also reinforced the importance of modest wear; women were expected to wear headscarves, and clothes with long skirts, high necks and sleeves to the mosque.

‘Seems quite medieval to me.’ Mrs Barry said, rather flippantly as we arrived in the school minibus. She was wrapping a scarf around her head awkwardly; I’d already tucked my hair into a shawl, and my legs, arms and chest were fully covered. I felt like my former self; it wasn’t entirely pleasant. Beth had sat next to me on the bus, even though I had told her I was saving a seat for Felicity. Her outfit was mismatched, and she looked uncomfortable.

‘Now,’ Mr Phillips stood in front of all of us as the bus doors opened, he was visibly sweating, despite the cold. ‘It is important to remember that we are observing guests here today. We are not to take part in any rituals, or prayers and anything we see we are not to imitate or copy in any way.’

‘We’re not children.’ Mrs Barry retorted, irritably.

‘Well, for some it needed repeating.’ He spat the words directly at her.

We filed off the bus into the light rain; the sort of rain that made the damp smell of earth rise and disperse into the air.

‘Esti, I’m sorry, could you- could you fix this scarf?’ Beth was fiddling with some stray hairs that had come loose; she looked agitated, so I stopped to help her.

Again, I felt that strange, unwelcome intimacy I shouldn’t have, the same feeling when she’d hugged me too closely, for too long. I was touching her hair. I’d been raised to see hair as a woman’s sexual potency, the root of her sensual energy; it felt so wrong. I hurried up then, probably being rougher than I should have to push her hair under the fabric.

‘There.’ I said, and I paced away from her to catch up with the other teachers who had taken cover under the mosque arches. I questioned myself yet again; she was just asking for help because I was closest to her. If Felicity had been there, I’m sure she would have asked her. I scowled as I scratched the hair under my own wrap.

We were allowed into the mosque earlier, due to the increasingly heavy rain. We removed our shoes as we entered the doors intended for women. It was familiar, different in a lot of ways, but so similar in others it was distracting. I was so aware of these rituals and customs that I felt oddly accustomed to it, as though I was undercover.

We stood there for a while as the rest of the mourners trailed in, bringing the scent of the outdoors into the building, which otherwise smelt strongly of pungent incense, so much so that it was starting to give me a headache. The women were at the back as the imam led prayers at the front of the mosque, he read from the Quran and spoke kindly of Mr Ahmad, whose coffin stood in plain sight. It was heart-wrenching, but I didn’t feel any tears come; I was too aware of everyone else around me crying. I heard Beth sniff several times next to me, I could tell her face was wet because she kept wiping it. I also noticed that Felicity had put her arm around her. I suppose I should have comforted her in some way, but I kept to myself.

I heard her sob, and then she was still, silent. The imam had his eyes closed, and the gathering had gone quiet. In the tranquility of the hushed, grand room, I felt Beth’s fingers feebly brush against mine; her little finger attempted to link with mine, but I pulled my hand away. I looked at her, but she was facing ahead; her eyes were bloodshot, and her face was flushed.

I frowned ahead, ignoring the twisting in my stomach. What was she doing? I was so sick of questioning myself – I didn’t know what was normal and what was right and what was wrong. Felicity and Beth had been in each other’s arms for practically the entire funeral... was it so odd that Beth would want some consolation from me? Her arms were still by her side. Deciding I was overreacting, I allowed my hand to drop back to hers. I grasped her hand and held it – she didn’t react, but I felt her fingers tighten. This is what friends did in times of need, and why couldn’t we be friends?

I was only gripping her hand for a few minutes, and then we were guided out of the mosque. It was time for the family and friends to pay their individual respects, which we were welcome to do but none of us wanted to see him. Instead we all rode the minibus back to the empty school and slowly, we thinned out as a group until only Felicity, Beth and I were left. I was grateful for Felicity’s presence.

‘That was hard.’ Beth mumbled, pulling her hair out of the scarf.

‘Aye.’ Felicity agreed and rubbed her eyes. ‘Gosh, they do things differently there don’t they? Standing up the entire hour? Mr Ahmad would’ve offered us all a seat, wouldn’t he? Would never have allowed that.’

We were laughing; that soft, sad laugh that you do after someone dies, after a funeral. There’s no other laugh like it; it’s one of futility, but it’s also the sound of the conscious determination to smile and be as joyful as you can be.

‘Do either of you want to go and get a drink?’ Beth asked, ruffling her hair.

‘I’m off home, pet, sorry.’ Felicity said. ‘Gotta get me feet up.’

‘I have to pick Daniel up.’ I said quickly.

Beth gazed at me for a moment, while Felicity gathered herself and bade us goodbye. I hesitated before looking back to Beth.

‘Can I be honest with you Esti?’

My heart sunk. ‘Yes.’

‘I don’t want to be alone.’ She sniffed and looked as though she might weep again. She looked so… pitiable with her red, unmade face, her odd-looking clothes, her dried out eyes.

‘Why- why don’t you come and pick Daniel up with me?’ I suggested, not knowing if it was a good idea or a bad one. ‘He’s the… he always makes me happy when I’m sad.’

‘I’d love that.’ She looked at me with such profound gratitude, I had to look away.

Together we walked to Daniel’s nursery, it was supposed to be a surprise me picking him up early. Beth was never supposed to be part of the surprise, but I suppose now I’d offered I couldn’t change my mind. We arrived, and I collected Daniel; he was so excited to see me that he almost knocked me over as he ran into my arms.

‘Hello my boy.’

‘Hi Daniel.’ Beth’s voice was still low.

‘Daniel, this is Beth. Do you remember Beth?’

Daniel shook his head and acted shy.

‘I used to carry you on my shoulders, Daniel.’ Beth had bent down to his level, but he had turned into my leg.

‘He’s very shy, aren’t you darling?’ Then it occurred to me that I’d invited Beth to see Daniel, but I hadn’t thought of what to do after that. It was too cold and rainy to stay outside, and I didn’t really have the money to go and pay for meals and drinks.

‘Do you want to go on my shoulders, Daniel?’

I looked down, vaguely hoping Daniel would say no, for some reason. But he glimpsed up and grinned, the cheek dimples he'd inherited from me came out in full force. He nodded.

‘Yay!’ Beth cheered and held a fist up. ‘Climb aboard then, captain. I _always_ called you that when you were younger.’

I watched her lift Daniel onto her shoulders; she was smiling, and Daniel was too. I was the only one amongst us who wasn’t. It continued to feel wrong, that dogged discomfort again weaving through me, branching out and poisoning every innocent action Beth made. I led us back to the flat, Ronit’s flat… our flat.

‘You _never_ live here.’ Beth said astonished, stalling at the bottom of the steps.

‘Yep.’ I replied. I was just unlocking the door when I heard my phone vibrate.

‘Wow. I mean… it’s… wow. How much is the rent?’

‘Ronit bought it.’ I said, struggling not to sound smug and still trying to avoid the question. ‘So, it’s just the mortgage.’

‘F-fu- well.’ Beth caught herself, as she put Daniel down. He darted into the house, Beth followed him, and I closed the door behind us. I checked my phone, it was Ronit.

_Hello beautiful, I never know what to say after a funeral, you’ve seen me grieving – I’m useless. I hope it wasn’t too sad and exhausting, I hope you’ve smiled at least once today. I love you, and I’m free for a call whenever you are xxx_

For some reason, a swell of guilt churned in my stomach.

‘Can I have the grand tour?’ Beth asked, standing awkwardly in the hallway, not treading any further until I’d hung my coat up.

‘Y-yes, of course.’ I stalked to the first door along the right wall. I turned the handle and showed Beth inside. ‘This is the studio. Ronit’s studio.’

‘Ah,’ Beth stepped inside, and walked over the spot where Ronit and I had made love, my eyes dropped to the floor. ‘It’s massive.’ Beth carried on. ‘Has she had any shoots in here yet?’

‘Some.’ I cleared my throat, trying not to think of Ronit standing where Beth was, shooting my naked body. ‘Next stop, is Daniel’s room. I’m sure he’d love to show you.’

Daniel had been lingering by the door, curious to see someone new in his house. ‘Yes, yes.’ He said. ‘This my room. That’s my bed, this my digger. Press that button.’ He demanded, and Beth laughed and did as he said. The digger lit up and made a crackling noise, the speaker had worn out from overuse.

‘Wow, your room is so cool!’ Beth looked around. ‘I love Fireman Sam.’ Beth said, pointing to the clock on Daniel’s wall.

‘Yeah, he’s fireman.’

‘He is!’ Beth looked at me, she seemed happier. I felt lighter then, as though I’d helped and there was less to feel awkward about. The discomfort was slowly dislodging. ‘What’s next on the tour?’

‘Oh, yes. There’s a bathroom in case you need it. And-’ I paused for a beat. ‘That’s our bedroom.’ I pointed to the door, without opening it. Beth just nodded. ‘And this is the kitchen, living room. That’s Ronit’s “study”.’ I pointed to a desk in the far corner, it was buried under a mountain of files, folders and boxes.

‘Organised.’ Beth snorted. ‘When is Ronit back?’

‘Saturday.’ I said without thinking; Beth frowned at me, puzzled. It occurred to me then, that she didn’t know Ronit was away. ‘She’s in Naples.’

‘Oh.’ Her eyebrows flickered up. ‘She’s… away again?’

‘For a week. For work.’

‘Okay.’ Beth went to speak again but closed her mouth.

‘Would you like a tea?’

‘I’d love one.’

I hurried to the kitchen and filled the kettle. I pulled out my phone and text Ronit back.

_Hello darling, it was very sad earlier but better now. I don’t think you would have cared for the mosque – they had separate entrances for men and women. I’m home with Daniel now. I…_

I stopped. Was it unusual for me to tell Ronit that Beth was here, in our flat? It shouldn’t have been, yet something was holding me back. I finished making the tea, leaving my phone on the side.

‘Do you take sugar, Beth?’

Beth laughed. ‘You’ve forgotten.’ She said, feigning shock as she perched on the sofa. ‘Yes please, two.’

I nodded and reached into the cupboard for the sugar jar. I’d just got my fingers to it when my phone rang out loudly. I leapt for it.

‘Hello,’ Ronit’s husky voice played out into my ear. ‘I saw you were typing, and I couldn’t wait to speak with you. Are you busy?’

‘N-no, I’m not. Hold on.’ I took the phone and walked out of the kitchen and into our bedroom, closing the door partially. ‘Hello.’

‘Why are you talking so shiftily?’ Ronit asked, I could hear she was smiling. ‘Where are you?’

‘I’m home, I’m at home. Just got in.’

‘How was it? I know it was a funeral, so it’s never going to be good.’ I heard her rustling something, papers or a wrapper of some kind.

‘It was,’ I sighed. ‘It was sad, but it’s better now.’

‘Were there tears?’

‘Plenty, but I didn’t cry. I couldn’t.’

‘Well, I’m glad you’re fe-’

‘Esti,’ Beth had poked her head into the bedroom. ‘I’ll finish the tea off. Where’s the sugar?’ Had she amplified her voice on purpose? She sounded so loud.

I placed my hand over the receiver. ‘Cupboard, just above the kettle.’ I whispered hastily. She smiled and left, pulling the door closed behind her.

‘Who was that?’ Ronit asked, her voice suddenly sounded stiff.

‘Erm, it’s Beth. Beth is here, I was just about to tell you.’

‘Oh.’ There was a silence. ‘Is… why is she there?’

‘She was so upset. After the funeral, she looked awful. And I just asked her – because she looked so sad… that – I thought…’

‘Take a breath, darling.’

I did as she said. ‘I just wanted to help.’

She waited, each second punished me. ‘Because you’re a sweet person, with a kind heart.’ Ronit said eventually, her voice naturally calming me.

‘But, I don’t know.’ I was whispering now, a hushed voice. ‘It’s strange, there’s been some… weird… she’s done a few things and I don’t know if I’m being paranoid.’

‘What things?’

‘Just… hugging me, and I don’t know…’ It sounded so stupid explaining it out loud.

‘Well... I suppose if she’s sad then a hug is quite normal.’

‘Mm.’ My fingers were rubbing my forehead, I still had a hammering in my skull from the overpowering smell of incense earlier. ‘You- you don’t mind her being here?’

‘No.’ Ronit said, abruptly. ‘I trust you.’

‘What about Beth?’

‘I trust you.’ Ronit repeated. I read between the lines.

‘She’ll leave soon. Dovid is coming over to see Daniel, so she’ll have to.’

‘Okay.’

‘Have you had a good day?’ I attempted to divert the conversation.

‘It’s been a busy morning.’ She was being shorter, and I didn’t know if it was my fault or if it was coincidental.

‘Do you have a busy evening planned?'

‘There’s a dinner tonight. At the _Galleria Contarina_.’

‘That sounds fancy.’

‘Mm, it’ll be a long night I expect.’

‘Will you text me afterwards? When you’re back in your room?’

‘I will.' She paused. 'Hopefully I won’t bring an ex back with me.’

My headache suddenly thundered, I felt sick. I was on the verge of begging for forgiveness when I heard her laugh.

‘I’m sorry, darling. I don’t mean that.’

‘Don’t.’ I said, my bottom lip was quivering. ‘Don’t do that.’

‘I’m sorry.’ She sounded more serious. ‘I am sorry. It was a bad joke.’

‘You and your jokes.’ My head was fully in my hand. ‘You’ll kill me one day.’

She was chuckling again. ‘Sorry.’ She repeated. ‘I’m... proud of you, you’re the sweetest person I know, with the purest soul.'

‘Now you’re just groveling.’

‘Ugh, I am so transparent. Oh- shit, I have to go. I forgot I said I’d meet Liam in the lobby. You remember Liam from the Brighton shoot?’

‘I thought you didn’t like him.’

‘I don’t, he’s dreadful. But he likes me, and his father is very powerful.’

‘That’s good, that’s smart. Well, I hope you have fun. And have a lovely evening. I’m sad I won’t get to see you looking beautiful.’

‘I’ll send you a picture. I hope you don’t have too much fun. And don’t let Beth get _too_ comfortable.’

‘I’ll make sure of it.’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you too. And I miss you.’

‘I miss you too.’

We hung up and I sat on our bed for a moment. I heard Beth talking to Daniel in the living room, she sounded chirpier. Before the call I wasn’t sure if she was using sadness as a method of manipulation, or if I was being incredibly sceptical. After speaking with Ronit, I felt more in control, certain of myself and patient. I went back into the living room, and I made sure I was a good friend.


	20. The Piazza

After I hung up, I sat on the hard, hotel mattress for a minute, allowing the conversation I’d just had to wash over me. I looked up at the painting on the wall, a dull watercolour landscape of a field, fading far back into the horizon.

I groaned and threw myself back, my head hitting the cotton pillowcases with force. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling, so I wallowed a bit more. I couldn’t help but think it was slightly odd that Beth was in our flat right now. Sitting on our sofa, drinking from our crockery, laughing with Esti and Daniel. It made my gut cramp; was I annoyed? Disappointed? Jealous? I suppose it was a combination of all three.

I’d meant what I said when I had called Esti sweet, and pure and kind. She was all of those things, but she was also naïve, and it killed me to think that Beth might be using that to her advantage. I desperately scrambled for the ability to give Beth the benefit of the doubt. I felt sorry for her. Having a proposal rejected would hurt anyone, but why come back? Why linger? That was the part I was having trouble with.

A reminder flashed again on my phone screen and it beeped obnoxiously.

‘Yes, yes, I’m going.’ I clicked the alert off and checked my face and hair before leaving for the lobby.

The hotel I was in was high end, that much was clear. The lift I rode up and down between the lobby and my room was golden and engraved with ancient Roman gods and goddesses. It was all extravagant, but it made me feel like a bit like my old self; staying in fancy hotels, ordering room service, drinking champagne with strangers in the hotel bar.

‘Ronnie!’ I heard Liam’s high-pitched voice shout across reception.

‘Liam.’ We greeted each other with kisses on each cheek; he smelt like cigarettes and still looked like a model. ‘How have you been?’

‘Fucking tired girl.’ He pulled his sunglasses down until they were perched on the end of his long nose. ‘You’re going out like that?’

I looked down at myself. I was wearing a baggy boyfriend shirt and cropped chinos, it looked perfectly casual. ‘I thought we were just having a drink here.’

‘Sweetie, do you _really_ think I drink in hotel bars? No, no, I won’t have that. Eurgh, I suppose you don’t look dreadful.’ He said, lifting the collar of the shirt I was wearing. We’d only met the once before, but he was intensely familiar.

‘I can’t have a heavy one Liam, I have a dinner tonight.’

‘Oh, that boring thing at the _Contarina_. You don’t need to go to that.’

‘I really do, actually.’

‘My dad is one of the hosts, I’ll just tell him you’re with me.’

‘Please don’t do that.’

‘Oh Ronnie, you’re so stubborn. I love it.’ He sighed and pushed his glasses back up, covering the purple bags under his eyes. ‘Fine, a “light” one then. Come on, let’s go.’

We sunk into the seats of a black Mercedes Benz that was parked outside. The air con blasting out gave me goosebumps.

‘Angel, go to the _Piazza_.’

We drove for a short while, driving through the busy city, groups of people getting in the way and inevitably getting stuck in traffic. Eventually we pulled up along a deserted side street which had cobbled roads, just a few miles from the crowded heart of Naples.

‘Wait here. We’ll be a few hours.’ Liam said to Angel, as he stepped out of the car.

‘We’ll be _two_ hours, at most.’ I corrected him before shutting my door. He just scoffed.

‘Everyone who’s anyone will be _here_ , sweetie. That fusty dinner is for bores, the facilitators. This is where the controversy will be. This is where the papers get their stories.’

‘Well, I don’t need controversy. I need a boring dinner and an early night.’

‘God, you’re _such_ a lesbian.’

‘I… I’m not sure I ever told you I was-’

‘Honey, no straight women would wear _that_ outfit. You are giving all the dyke realness with that open neck, high-waist, beige-chino bonanza.’

‘Ah,’ I was laughing despite myself. ‘I’m easy to read, am I? Unlike you, you’re a fucking enigma. Will the wife and kids be here?’

That made Liam guffaw, his thin neck stretched out as we approached two bulky bodyguards standing by a scratched up, graffitied warehouse door.

Liam spoke some fractured Italian to them, and eventually they let us in to the building. It was dark at first, my eyes had to adjust. We were standing in a poorly lit, sparse room which stretched up and around us. About a hundred people were milling around, there was a dancefloor, a bar and other levels accessible by metal stairs. The thud of drum and bass echoed around us and the walls oozed the stench of body odour and stale beer.

‘Eurgh, Jesus.’ I muttered as we weaved through the sweaty crowds. It was the afternoon, and these people looked like they hadn’t slept for days.

‘There’s a booth up here, it’s reserved.’ Liam shouted back at me. I followed him up a steep set of wet, slippery stairs that may as well have been a ladder; Esti would have been horrified. We were directly above the dancefloor now, at least it was quieter up here.

‘This way.’ Liam paraded in front of me, his skinny hips swaying as he walked. He led me to an even darker back room, to another door. There were more security guards up here, they were more intense than the ones downstairs. They eyed me cautiously before they allowed us through.

This room was much smaller, and more intimate than the warehouse downstairs; there were only about twenty people here. Several cosy booths lined the walls, and instead of drum and bass there was the dulcet hum of sad jazz filling up the room to the low ceiling. It reminded me of a 1920s style underground bar I used to visit in New York.

‘Ella! Ella!’ Liam hurried off towards the bar, where a lone barman stood talking with a young woman; he was smiling dopily at her.

‘Liam,’ the woman turned sharply. ‘For fucks sake, I’ve been here forever, where have you been?’

‘Waiting on a lesbian.’ They were both very loud, disturbing the gentle tranquility of the bar. They hugged, and Ella looked over Liam’s shoulder at me. Her face was heavily made up, thick, black eyelashes and bright red lips.

‘Ella, Ronnie. Ronnie, Ella.’ Liam said as though he was incredibly bored.

‘Hi Ella.’ I didn’t hold out my hand or move in for a hug; neither did she. She was short, much shorter than me; dressed in a long-sleeved white crop top, and blue shorts. Her phone was in one hand and the other was grasping a long glass of clear liquid.

‘Hi Ronnie. Liam has _literally_ not stopped talking about you since that shoot in Brighton.’

‘I imagine that’s been very annoying for you.’

‘Like you wouldn’t believe.’ Ella took a sip through her straw.

‘Okay, okay, you’re acquainted, great. Let’s get drinks.’

‘I’ve already had like five hundred drinks, where’s the-’

‘Well you’re still standing honey, there’s no rush.’

He started a tab and ordered a round of drinks that would have easily quenched the entire room. There were vodkas, whiskeys, cocktails, shots of tequila and fish bowls filled with alcohol and colourful mixers.

‘Liam, this isn’t a light one.’ I muttered, taking a vodka and cranberry from the silver tray.

‘Ronnie!’ He was shrieking with joy and taking pictures of the platter of drinks. ‘You’re so funny! This is just the starter!’

He and Ella spoke more than I did, and they did so very quickly and a lot of it was in acronyms, it was as though they were talking in code. By the end of my second vodka I was starting to loosen up, though I couldn’t help but wonder if Beth was still in my flat, our flat. I started to join in more conversations, ignoring the nagging worry chewing my skull. I learned that Liam and Ella had been friends since primary school, and now, they lived together in Brighton, though they often travelled with each other using his allowance.

‘My pay-for-play fag hag.’ He called her, earning him a punch in the arm.

Liam’s phone flashed at one point and he squealed. ‘One moment please bitches.’ He slid out of the booth with a grin and headed towards the doors leading out to the warehouse, leaving Ella and I alone.

She was looking drunker now, her eyes were starting to droop. ‘So, you’re a lesbian?’ Ella’s voice was loud, slurring over the smooth saxophone flowing from the speakers above us. I saw several people in the room turn around.

‘I’m in a relationship with a woman.’ I replied, feeling the alcohol warm my chest.

‘That’s cool.’ Ella stretched out and then slouched, she was very petite. Her entire stomach was bronzed and exposed. ‘I wish I was a lesbian sometimes.’ She took a shot and winced. ‘Men are the worst.’

I sighed and rubbed my temples. ‘Well, at least you know what men are thinking, most of the time. There’s less emotional investment, no weird mind games, no second guessing.’

‘That’s… deep.’ Ella’s brow was furrowed.

‘Well, it’s true.’

I was thinking about Beth. And Esti to a degree. But I didn’t want to talk about it. I was surprised to find I was actually relieved when Liam returned. He was still squealing.

‘About fucking time.’ Ella said, sitting up and clearing space on the table.

‘Hold your horses, you impatient slut.’ He huffed and pulled a clear plastic bag from his pocket and threw it into the centre of us. It was heavy with soft, white powder.

‘Oh, you’ve got to be kidding?’ I sat up straight and felt my face burn. 

‘Don’t be such a spoilsport, Ronnie.’

‘You’re not even being discreet about it.’ I spat, looking around us.

‘Literally everyone here is on drugs, lighten up.’

Sure enough, I glanced around. Now I was looking closely, it seemed like there were small packets of drugs on every table I could see. I turned back to the two of them.

‘If you two start snorting that, I’m leaving. I’m not sitting here sober with two people on coke.’ I said, and I meant it. I couldn’t be bothered to get into a state before this dinner. They were both staring at me, Ella looked disappointed, but Liam looked like he was ready for a challenge.

‘You should take some then.’ He held the bag under my chin. ‘It’ll wake you up for the appalling dinner you’ll be at.’

‘No.’

‘Just one sniff?’

‘Liam, let me have-’ Ella had grabbed for the bag, but he pulled it away from her.

‘I want Ronnie to have some.’

‘Liam, I’m not going to be pressured into taking cocaine. I’m not fifteen.’

‘It’s so good though.’ Liam was trying to tempt me. I had to admit, the idea was growing on me.

‘I’m not going to.’ I said, with finality.

‘Ugh, fine.’ Liam tossed the bag to Ella who jumped for it like a dog. She unsealed it and carefully tipped some of the powder onto the varnished surface of the table. Immediately she started hungrily cutting into it with a bank card creating five fat lines from the pile.

‘You’re missing out.’ Ella said, looking up at me with her big, dark eyes. She had pulled a wrinkled €20 note from her pocket and rolled it up, leant down and snorted an entire line. ‘Fuck.’ She drew the word out as she slammed back into the booth seat. She had powder lining her nostril, and her eyes had rolled back.

‘Does it look good yet?’ Liam asked, holding his hand out for the note.

‘I think I’m gonna go.’ I started to stand up.

‘I thought you’d be cool, Ronnie.’ Liam was smirking, leaning into take a line.

‘I have a boring dinner to go to. Ella, it was good to meet you. Liam-’

‘This isn’t over Ronnie.’ He’d snorted the thickest line of cocaine, he was wiping his nose and sniffing. ‘I’m going to get you fucking high one day.’

‘I can’t wait.’ I’d started walking away, casually glancing around me as I left.

‘Use Angel, won’t you?’ He shouted after me. ‘Just make sure you send him back!’

I realised as I made my way to leave that the people up here weren’t taking cocaine, but something else entirely. They were sitting in their chairs, barely talking, barely moving; it explained the slow jazz. It was strange, I was glad I hadn’t noticed beforehand. I moved as carefully as I could down the dangerous ladder and descended onto the dancefloor. It was busier now, darker and louder. I manoeuvred through the crowd and found my way outside; the day was cooler. I took a deep breath of air and walked to Liam’s car, where I met Angel.

 

_Beth’s gone now, she doesn’t take a hint well. She almost bumped into Dovid._

I’d been staring at the message from Esti for about fifteen minutes, sat on my hotel bed in a towel. Beth had been there a fucking long time.

_She doesn’t take a hint well._

No, I bet she doesn’t. The alcohol I’d consumed had given me a headache, and I felt ratty and irritable. I didn’t feel like talking; this dinner was going to be a disaster. A part of me wished I’d stayed in that weird club taking coke with Liam and Ella. I threw my phone down and carried on getting ready, only to receive another message from Esti.

_I can’t wait to see what you look like tonight._

I put my phone down again, pushing away the unfair guilt I felt. As I dried my hair, I thought back to the conversation I’d had with Esti.

‘Beth is here. I was just about to tell you.’ She’d said.

‘When?’ I should have asked. ‘When were you going to tell me?’

But that’s always the case. You always think of the best thing to say after a few hours, or a few vodkas as the case was. By the time my hair was dry I didn’t really care what I looked like, I threw on the darkest dress I could find, did some modest makeup, left my room and once I was outside in the beautiful, blue twilight, I hailed a taxi for the  _Contarina_.

I text Esti on the way there and put my phone away afterwards.

_I didn’t have time to take a photo, I’m heading there now. Glad Beth left eventually. I love you._

The dinner turned out to be less of a sit-down meal and more of a stand-up social event with nibbles occasionally being passed around by waiters. Liam had been right, it was fucking dull.

There were representatives from all over the industry;  _Flare Fest_ execs _,_ photography agencies, magazines, publishers, fashion, social platforms; it was a heaving event. I saw people I knew but I was still feeling antisocial, so I made sure my mingling was limited to pleasantries. I introduced myself to Liam’s father, whose name was Benjamin. I knew he was Liam’s dad as soon as I saw him. He had the same long neck, skinny frame and thick, curly hair, though Benjamin’s was a shock of white, compared to Liam’s dyed blonde. I didn’t mention I’d been with Liam that day, I also didn’t mention the cocaine, but I did talk about the shoot we’d done.

‘He certainly knows what he wants.’ I said diplomatically, with an empty wine glass in my hand.

‘He’s an imbecile.’ His father had replied wearily.

That’s when I left for the bar, for what seemed like the tenth time that evening. I was just ordering a Sauvignon Blanc when I heard a deep voice behind me call my name.

‘Ronnie Curtis. I’ll be damned.’

I tossed my head, flinging my hair as I did so. The man leaning against the bar was tall, his skin was dark and his short hair jet black. He’d grown stubble since I last saw him, his eyes were still piercing. His expensive suit was cut to perfection, highlighting the muscles in his chest and arms.

‘Bradley? Oh my god, hello, hi. Jesus Christ, it’s been… so long.’ I leant in to hug him, feeling his strong hands on my back.

‘It’s been… a few years. Jesus, you know I thought I saw you earlier, but I was like… nah, that can’t be Ronnie. So, I waited by the bar, thinking if it was you I’d definitely find you here.’

‘You kept that killer wit, I see.’

‘It just got worse.' He chuckled. 'But look at you, Jesus; you look… amazing. They send you as the company big shot this year huh?’

‘Hardly.’ I scoffed. ‘God, how long has it actually been?’

‘Ah,’ Bradley scratched his beard. ‘I think it was in Vancouver a few years ago… it was that freelance job we did together… for that nature magazine, you know?’

‘That “nature” magazine?’ I laughed. ‘You mean _National Geographic_?’

‘That’s the one.’ His white teeth set off the tanned tone of his skin beautifully. ‘Well,’ he continued, resting his elbow on the bar. ‘I mean… if you wanna be specific, the last time we saw each other was the morning after that shoot.’

My tongue was in between my front teeth, I was smiling but I didn’t know what to say. ‘So it was.’

‘It was a good shoot.’ He was nodding, his sculpted jaw was relaxed; the waiter brought over my wine and Bradley ordered a beer. ‘So, what are you doing with yourself these days? Still in NYC?’

‘I’m living in London, actually.’

‘London? No way! I love that city, love it.’

‘It’s a great city.’ The coldness of the wine was encouraging a better mood in me.

‘What took you back? I thought you loved New York, you know.’ Bradley’s beer arrived, and he took a long gulp, his Adam’s apple jumping as he swallowed.

‘Oh, I do. I love New York, I miss it a lot. But London is… home.’

He sniggered then, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. ‘You told me you never wanted to go back there, did I remember that right?’

‘I did say that.’ I was leaning on the bar again now, mirroring his stance. ‘But things change.’

‘What changed? I’m intrigued.’

I paused, and my finger trailed around the rim of my wine glass. ‘Someone.’

‘I knew it.’ His deep laugh lines were so visible, I remembered what drew me to him those years ago; his smile. ‘Who is he? I know him?’

‘Ah, no… you wouldn’t know…’

‘You gonna tell me about him?’

‘It’s… not a him.’ I glimpsed at him for his reaction.

For a moment, his smile lapsed. ‘No shit. No shit!’ His grin returned. ‘That’s… very cool.’

‘It is.’

‘And you’re happy?’

‘Incredibly happy.’

‘Why didn’t you bring her?’ Bradley took another sip, I saw his eyes scan my front.

‘She works, and she has a young son.’

‘Son? Jesus Ronnie, you’re a daddy.’ He laughed at his own joke, and I joined him.

‘Sometimes it does feel like that.’ I agreed, feeling my shoulders relax the more I talked with Bradley.

‘Well, that’s great. That’s really great.’

‘What about you?' I asked, taking a sip of wine. 'Anyone special?’

‘You know me, Ronnie.’ He licked his lips then, wrapping his fingers around the bottle sat on the bar.

‘I… do.’

‘I can’t settle.’

‘You can’t.’

‘That’s why we worked so well.’

I just smiled, my hand shot up and rubbed my neck reflexively. Just by standing there, he was reminding me of how we used to be. The sporadic, spontaneity of the sex we had; no emotion, just rugged, raw passion.

‘Well, it was great to see you, Bradley.’ I picked up my wine clumsily, it occurred to me then that I was quite drunk. ‘I’ll probably see you at the main event, on Friday?’ I could hear myself stammering.

He grabbed me before I could step away, he spoke with a muted voice. ‘There’s a party going on downtown. You wanna head there together? This place is dead.’

I looked down at his soft, supple fingers wrapped around my wrist; so different from an ordinary man's hands, they didn't belong to a labourer, they belonged to a photographer. ‘Where’s the party?’

He loosened his grip. ‘This place called the _Piazza_.’

‘Ah,’ my chin dropped and I my eyebrows rose. ‘I’ve heard of it.’

‘Apparently, there’s this exclusive club up there. Crazy parties, celebrities, paparazzi dying to get in.’

‘I’m sure it’s not as fun as it sounds.’

‘How’d you know until you try it, right?’

It was against my better judgement; I’d left the same place earlier that very day because of the drugs, the smell, the general atmosphere. Was I contemplating going back? To forget, for one night about the confusion and frustration I felt over the whole scenario with Beth… it was tempting.

‘So, what do you say?’ Bradley asked.

I looked at his face; his persuasive smile, his playful eyes. ‘Okay.’ I said finally.

‘Yeah?’ He straightened his back, adding inches to his height. ‘Fucking ace. We gotta catch up… properly.’


	21. The Mistake

The flashing strobe lights blinding me, the pounding bass in my ears, strangers’ faces melting past in an ocean of dancing bodies, all of it spiralling around me, bolstering me around into a frenzy of sickening dizziness. My tired heart thudded and banged against my ribs; convulsing inside my chest, forcing the burning alcohol from my stomach with every violent, loud beat. It scaled further and further up my throat, until it reached my mouth. I felt myself gag in my raucous, fitful sleep. I bolted up.

There was silence for a second before my ears split open into a deafening ringing. My eyes were dry, sore and misty; I gagged again, it felt more solid than the first one. I was disorientated; I stumbled from where I had been sleeping, tripping on something as I did so. This wasn’t my hotel room. I searched desperately for a door and fell into a bathroom. I immediately threw up into the toilet; streams of acidic, scorching alcohol heaving from my body. Tears teemed from my eyes. My nose was blocked, and my nostrils were stinging; I couldn’t breathe.

Once the vomit slowed, I took several deep, desperate gulps of air. There was less spinning, the world seemed more stable. I rose slowly, leaving the mildly comforting coolness of the bathroom floor. I went back into the dark room I’d been in before. I’d been lying in a bed, and I wasn’t alone; someone was under the covers.

I felt sick all over again, my knees started to give out and I found a chair in the corner of the room. I fell into it, it was soft and plush. Whose room was I in? Who was in that bed? What was I wearing? I looked down and saw I was in a t-shirt I didn’t recognise; only my underwear was on my bottom half. My eyes were heavy, my heart was beating fast. I plunged into another doze filled with distorted, flitting memories of the night before.

 

I woke again with a start; I was still in the same place, though the room was lighter. I didn’t know how much time had passed since I’d been sick. I heard the sound of a toilet flush, and my stomach dropped. The light in the bathroom clicked off, and the door started to open. I took a deep breath and sat up in the chair I was in; my spine was throbbing because of the position I’d been in.

‘Ella?’ I asked, trying to focus my eyes on the blurry figure before me. It was definitely her, though her face was bare now, her make up nowhere to be seen - she looked so different that I had to squint.

‘Oh good, you’re alive. Liam will be happy.’ She sounded as nonchalant as she’d been the afternoon before.

‘What… what happened last night?’ I brought my knees to my chest, trying to cover my bare legs with my arms. ‘Why am I here?’

She yawned and fell back into the bed we’d both been in. She was wearing a vest and shorts, then I realised the t-shirt I was wearing must have been hers. ‘You came back to the _Piazza_ last night. You remember that?’

‘I… yes, I remember.’

I did remember turning up, I remembered texting Liam to tell him when I’d been in the taxi. He’d greeted Bradley and I at the entrance to the warehouse. I also remember the private bar upstairs being louder and busier than earlier on.

‘You came in like a fucking whirlwind.’ Ella was sniggering. ‘You were acting so different, I thought you had an evil twin.’

‘What happened to Bradley?’

‘Oh, that creep has a name?’ Ella sat up, reached for her bag next to the bed and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. She offered me one, but I declined, feeling that tightness of nausea in my abdomen again.

‘He’s… not a creep.’ But I felt a resistance against those words in my own head; an unsettling feeling of stress when I thought of him.

‘Babe, he was… oh god. He was fucking all over you. And once he had some Charlie in him, Jesus.’

Could I remember that? I think I did. Sitting in the booth with Bradley, Liam and Ella and some other people I didn’t recognise. I could feel Bradley’s hands on me; on my legs and hips and waist. He was pulling me towards him, yanking me onto his lap, grabbing my hands and putting them on him. I felt so unwell.

‘Liam told him to back off, because you were like, clearly not into it. And that fucking arsehole got him by the throat. Called him a 'faggot' and got all in his face. Imagine if he’d punched him… I mean his face is insured, but still.’

‘Oh god.’

‘Yeah, oh god.’ Ella was opening the patio doors which led out onto a balcony. The sky was still dark enough to not be blinding, and the morning air was cool and refreshing; I felt like I didn’t deserve the relief of it. She sparked her cigarette and the aroma of menthol tobacco filled the room.

‘So… I wasn’t into it?’ I asked, second-guessing myself, even though I was recalling something now, something clear and vivid.

_‘Ronnie, come on.’ He looked disheveled and was tugging at my dress, speaking fast and aggressively._

_‘Bradley, stop it.’_

_‘Come on.’ I felt a stiffness in his groin, he was pushing it against my leg. ‘You couldn’t have gone full dyke.’_

_‘Bradley, seriously, fuck off.’ I’d pushed hard against his chest, but he was like a boulder._

‘Not at all into it.’ Ella interrupted the memory. ‘He was literally pathetic. And you kept on going on about missing your wife, or whatever. That really pissed him off.’

‘And nothing happened?’

‘With him? No. He got mental, so we ditched him, and Liam demanded we took you with us.’

‘Nothing happened with him, and… also no one else?’ I asked, my tone begging for reassurance.

She didn’t speak for a minute. ‘You don’t remember?’ Ella turned to face me, she was smirking playfully. My stomach, which had been mildly settled was now raging again. I felt myself tremble.

‘What?’

‘Well, we fucked the whole night.’

I fully retched then, crippled by a seizure of my entire body. Was she holding back a laugh? I felt my throat close up and suddenly realised how little I’d been breathing the past few minutes. I felt another retch catch my throat, when I suddenly heard Ella shriek.

‘Oh my god, your _face_.’ She was leaning against the door, her face creased into a joyous laugh. ‘We didn’t really fuck, oh my god, calm down.’

‘Don’t… fucking… _don’t_ do that. My fucking heart.’ My hand was in the middle of my worn-out chest, I still felt everything crashing around me; I still felt so abhorrently guilty it was almost like I may as well have slept with someone.

‘I was actually getting with this gorgeous Portuguese guy when Liam told me we had to save you from that beast. Your reaction though,’ she tilted her head back and exhaled the smoke above her. ‘I’m a little offended, to be honest.’

‘Where’s my phone?’ I asked, ignoring both her and the tumultuous state of my stomach.

‘Your bag’s over there.’ Ella was staring at her own phone now, texting. ‘Liam said he’s glad you’re alive.’

‘Great.’ I rooted through my bag, and was relieved to see my purse, my phone and my hotel key all still there. I pulled my phone out, I had a mass of messages from Esti. I read the last one.

_I know you’re annoyed with me, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have invited her over, I’m so sorry. Please speak to me._

What was the time? Would she be awake? I needed to talk to her. I needed to hear her voice. It was around 6:30 in London, still early for her, but she might be awake. I pressed the button to call; it thrummed in my ear, worsening the piercing ringing that was deep inside my skull. It rang to answerphone.

‘I’m such a fuck up.’ I said, not really to anyone and not expecting a response.

‘That’s dramatic. You didn’t _do_ anything.’

‘I’m a grown woman, with responsibilities and I have a- I have a family, for fucks sake.’

‘I’m not going to sit here and coddle a middle-aged woman on a come down.’ Ella said, matter-of-factly. ‘You got a bit fucked, who cares? Everyone does it.’

I scowled and tried to call Esti again. I called her about four times. I was just about to give up the fifth time, when the line connected, and I heard her speak. I felt a golden glow in my chest when she said my name.

‘Ronit.’ Her voice was gentle, and slow with tiredness.

‘Oh, darling.’ I said, almost shuddering into tears. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry for waking you up.’

‘No, no. I- don’t be sorry, I’m so glad,’ I heard her sniff, and shuffle. ‘To hear your voice.’

‘I- I miss you so much.’

‘I miss you too. I was so… I’m sorry, about Beth… it’s- I shouldn’t have-’

‘Darling, you didn’t do anything wrong.’ I looked up because Ella walked past me; I felt guilty again. ‘I- you’re a good person. You’re a beautiful person, and I love you. I’m sorry.’

She didn’t say anything for a minute. Her presence, even though it was over the phone, was swaddling me. Making me feel calmer, and safe. My heart started to beat normally.

‘How was your dinner?’ She asked.

I waited, and rolled my tongue in my mouth, still faintly tasting vomit. ‘I got too drunk.’

‘I thought that had happened.’

‘I’m an idiot.’

‘You’re not.’

‘I am.’ I was holding my phone so close to my ear, imagining her lips were there. ‘I- I had to be rescued… by Liam, and his friend.’

‘Rescued from what?’

‘This… arsehole I used to know.’ I was so angry at myself, and livid with Bradley.

‘Oh… are you okay?’

‘I’m fine. I feel… weird, but I’m fine. Nothing- nothing bad happened.’

‘That’s... a relief. You sound like you’ve got a cold. Are you sure you’re all right?’ She sounded more alert. I could imagine her sitting up in bed, her beautiful arms resting on the duvet.

‘I… yeah. I was awful last night, Esti. Really awful.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I-  I took some cocaine.’

I heard Ella snort from out of sight. ‘ _Some_ cocaine.’ She scoffed from the bathroom.

‘Oh Ronit.’ Esti muttered, she sounded disappointed.

‘I know. I told you, I’m an idiot.’

‘I… I’m glad nothing happened. But I wish you hadn’t…’

‘I know.’

‘It’s only because I don’t want you to-’

‘I know, darling. I know.’

‘You’re not… going to take any more, are you?’

‘No, no, I promise.’ Neither of us spoke for a moment. ‘I wish I was at home.’ I said finally.

‘Can you come back early?’

‘I don’t think I can.’ Although the idea of just going to the airport and getting on a plane that very day was incredibly enticing. ‘Do you still love me?’ I heard Ella snort from the bathroom again.

‘Of course I do.’ Esti said, deliberately and with great care, as though she were caressing me with her words. God, I missed her so much. ‘I wish you were here too.’

‘I’ll… I’ll see if I can get back earlier. Even… even if I leave after the festival on Friday, that means I’ll be back tomorrow night.’

‘I’d love that.’

‘Then I’ll talk to Holly.’

‘You will?’

‘I will, I’ll talk to her today.’

‘And… do you have any more parties planned?’

‘I don’t have anything today. It’s completely free.’

‘Why don’t you take it easy then? In your room?’

‘That’s a brilliant idea.’ I started to feel normal, my thoughts weren’t rushing as much, and my guilt had eased. ‘How’s Daniel?’

‘He’s lovely, still sleeping. He’s been in my bed the last few nights.’

‘That’s adorable.’

‘Mm. He told me he missed you last night.’

‘I miss him too.’

‘Come home to us soon.’ She said, she sounded tired again, drowsy and heartwarmingly delicate in tone.

‘I will darling, I’ll try.’

I told her I loved her a few more times, and she told me the same. We hung up, and even though I was still weighted with shame, I felt slightly lighter. The first thing I did afterwards was email Holly, to ask her about leaving early on Friday and skipping the _Flare_ debrief on Saturday.

‘That was emotional.’ Ella stepped out of the bathroom, her make up had been coated on again. ‘You almost ruined my mascara.’

I sighed and pushed back into the chair, I felt a slight release. ‘You know, before I met you and Liam, I thought I was the most sarcastic person I knew.’

Ella grinned. ‘Liam’s downstairs; do you want to come for breakfast?’

I looked down at myself. ‘I’m not really dressed for breakfast. Why am I wearing this?’ I pulled at the t-shirt on me, it was a band I didn’t recognise.

She shrugged. ‘You took your dress off as soon as you got here last night. You almost gave Liam a heart attack, so I had to cover you with something.’

‘Oh.’

‘I’ll give you some clothes if you want to come.’

‘I’m- I’m really not hungry actually.’

‘We don’t _eat_ at breakfast.’ Ella scoffed again.

‘Oh, I think I’ll still… if you could drop me at my hotel, that’d be great.’

‘Sure.’ She’d already returned to perfecting her face.

I put my original clothes back on; I noticed my dress stank of smoke and spilt liquor, and there was a smeared, white stain down the front. My hair was a mess, and my face was just as bad. Fortunately, the hotel occupants were all still sleeping, and I didn’t see anyone as we left for the lobby. I noticed Liam leaning against a wall; his skinny jeans tightly hugging his legs and a large army coat dwarfing his entire torso. I felt a rush of gratitude and affection for him. 

‘There you are.’ He said, his voice was croaky, and his sunglasses covered the majority of his face.

‘Sorry.’ Ella said, strolling towards him. ‘She was having a breakdown.’

‘I am not fucking surprised.’ Liam hugged me then, it was unexpected but pleasant. ‘Honey, I’m glad you’re a lesbian because your taste in men is atrocious.’

‘I’m so sorry, I really am. I didn’t… know he was going to be like that.’ I spoke into his shoulder.

‘He hoovered about €250 worth of coke with his fucking beak too.’ Liam followed up after releasing me. ‘I’m finding out everything I can about him, to tell my dad.’

‘You don’t need to do tha-’

‘It’s not just for you precious, he almost broke my jaw. Are you coming to breakfast?’

‘I was just going to go back to the hotel… if you wouldn’t mind giving me a lift.’

‘Suit yourself.’

I was surprised but relieved that he didn’t pressure me. I expect we were all tired, but whatever they were going to do under the guise of breakfast, I knew I couldn’t handle it. I had to lay down, I had to rest, I had to cry. Cry, because I’d almost thrown my perfect life away on a whim, taking a chance on a stranger I used to fuck because I felt sorry for myself; I almost broke it all with my carelessness. If Liam and Ella hadn’t been there, I don’t know what would have happened. The thought made me shiver all over.

‘Apparently your man got kicked out of the _Piazza_ last night.’ Liam’s thumbs were furiously tapping his phone screen.

‘Don’t call him that.’ I said, my head leaning against the window of the cold car. ‘How do you know?’

‘Lorenzo,’ Liam said, as if I knew who that was. ‘The barman. Said the bouncers got tired of him and threw him into the bins outside.’

‘I’ve got to see him on Friday. He’ll be at the festival, won’t he?’

Liam sneered but didn’t look up from his phone. ‘Sweetie, he’ll be lucky if he has a job by Friday.’

‘I shouldn’t have gone with him.’

‘Okay, Ronnie, real-talk.’ Liam glimpsed up then. ‘Do not let his actions deflect to you. He made his choices, you weren’t his keeper.’

‘Th-thanks Liam. That’s… quite sweet.’

‘Pft. Gay.’ Ella said, scrolling on her own phone, which Liam swiftly knocked out of her hand.

Angel pulled up outside of my hotel, and I gathered myself for the inevitable walk of shame.

‘Thank you both, for everything.’

‘You’re welcome girl. See you Friday.’ Liam said, distracted by his phone.

‘Bye fuck buddy.’ Ella said, with a wink.

‘Don’t.’ I was faintly smiling but still not entirely over the fear I’d experienced when she’d joked about that.

I stumbled slightly getting out of the car, keeping my hand over the cocaine stain on the front of my dress. I closed the door and watched them drive off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was going to be longer, but I felt like I needed to publish sooner to quell the stress!


	22. 2016 Pt. 2

Beth and I had been seeing each other for several weeks now. We kept our relationship an entirely private matter, making sure none of the teachers and students found out; it was her decision as much as it was mine.

Because of Daniel, she would normally come to our flat; we couldn’t go out that often, not alone anyway, and she hadn’t invited me back to hers since the night of Parents’ Evening.

We were at the stage where we could and would kiss quite naturally now; the third or fourth time she’d been over, we’d been on the sofa kissing, a film playing in the background and her hand had glided up my thigh. That was the furthest we had gone physically, and I was starting to feel the unwelcome expectant pressure that I used to experience on Friday nights, when Dovid would come into the bedroom and I would be on the bed, laying in wait.

Though that was unfair, because Beth wasn’t pressuring me, it was all in my own head. I wanted to appear normal, I wanted to pretend I could have a normal relationship and normal meant having regular, consensual sex. To add to the normality, I was also training myself to stop thinking of Ronit when I kissed Beth. It was difficult, but it was getting easier. I said Beth’s name more, consciously and obviously, when her mouth was on my neck, when I stroked her hair or in between kisses. 

Beth left in the evenings each time she visited, though on every occasion she lingered by the door awaiting an invitation to stay. I hadn’t offered yet.

It changed one Friday after school; Beth had snuck into my classroom and kissed the top of my head.

‘Beth.’ I reprimanded her, staring at the glass panel of the door.

‘No one saw me, don't worry.’ She giggled and touched my arm.

She asked me what I had planned that evening, which was usually an excuse for her to suggest a plan for the both of us.

‘I thought we could carry on through the Hepburn collection?’ She said, sitting on the desk I had been writing on. ‘I can bring _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_.’

‘That sounds good.’

‘I can bring dinner too.’

‘Oh, you don’t have to.’ Though I hoped she’d force the point.

‘I’d really like to.’

And that was that. She came over that evening, laden with a paper bag filled with fresh ingredients and the DVD. She made a fresh pasta dish that I still think about to this day; she was a fantastic cook. She’d completed two years of culinary school before quitting to become a teacher. I remember Daniel always ate all of the food she made. The way she interacted with him was one of her most redeeming qualities; she didn’t really know how to talk with him, but as she spent more time with him, I saw her gain confidence.

I’d just put him to bed and returned to the living room when I saw Beth had already started the film.

‘The opening credits are my favourite bit.’ Beth said lounging back on the sofa, but I barely heard her; I was too busy gaping at the television.

‘Where is this film set?’ I asked, already knowing the answer.

‘New York.’ She laughed. ‘You must know that.’

‘I think I must have.’ I watched the grainy footage of Audrey Hepburn wandering the streets, I studied the skyline behind her and followed the yellow taxis with a surge of emotion in my heart. It didn’t go away for the whole film; if anything, it intensified. I spent the entire time focusing on the background, the setting and not investing in the story at all. Occasionally my ears would prick when one of the characters said ‘New York’.

At one point, Audrey Hepburn said, ‘Oh, I love New York.’ The man she was with replied, ‘Then why are you leaving?’ I sniffed away an odd trickle of sadness.

‘Do you think New York still looks like that?’ I asked quietly.

‘More or less, I’d say.’ Beth shrugged, she was stroking the back of my hand. ‘Probably more buildings now. Do you want more wine?’

‘Please.’ I replied, and she got up to pour the pinot noir into our glasses. She handed it to me and I took a long sip; it was crisp and fruity. I drained the rich, purple liquid and put the glass back onto the table with a slight tremor; I was starting to get a tingling in my lower abdomen whenever Audrey Hepburn was onscreen.

The film continued, and Beth continued to caress my wrist, my knuckles and fingers; at one point, she stopped watching the film entirely and looked down, tracing the veins on the back of my hand. Towards the end of it, a scene choked me. A hard lump swelled in my throat and I gripped Beth’s hand reflexively.

 _'I love you.'_ The man said.

 _'So what?'_ Audrey replied.

_'So what? So plenty! I love you! You belong to me!'_

_'No, people don’t belong to people.'_

_'Of course they do!'_

_'I’ll never let anybody put me in a cage!'_

_'I don’t want to put you in a cage, I want to love you!'_

It was when they started kissing in the rain afterwards, my stomach churned, and I had to stop watching. ‘Beth?’ I whispered her name and she turned to look at me.

‘Mm?’

I extended my neck and leant in for her red-stained lips; she responded with sudden urgency. Her cheeks were flushed from the wine. Her hands found my waist, and her excited tongue probed my mouth. She pulled back at one point, flustered.

‘Where’s this come from?’

I didn’t answer, I couldn’t answer, but I pressed my body against hers and she gasped quietly. I raised my leg to be over hers and she gulped. ‘Esti, are you- are you sure you want to?’

I nodded, my eyes were closed, and I held onto her face. ‘Yes, yes. Beth.’ I intentionally breathed her name.

She reciprocated by pulling me onto her lap, I felt her hands move lower, curving under me and drawing me to her.

‘I’ve- I’ve wanted this for so long.’ Her lips mumbled as they pressed against mine. The wine on our breath mingled and made me feel more drunk and desperate. Her mouth was hot and wet, and I knew I needed it on me.

I stood up and pulled her by the hand into my bedroom, she was breathing heavily, and she kept trying to talk but I stopped her with my lips and fingers. I pulled my clothes off and fell backwards, hoping she’d do what I wanted. She stood above me, staring, her mouth was open.

‘You’re... perfect.’ She spoke so faintly, I could barely hear her.

‘Please, Beth.’ I writhed, looking up at the ceiling. I’d said her name again, it was Beth. It was Beth.

She nodded and leant over me on her hands and knees, her mouth hungrily and sloppily latched to the skin on my neck, chest and stomach. She was moving down which was welcome, but there was something off about it – her mouth didn’t feel right. Her hands eventually reached the band of my underwear and I felt her tremble as she removed them.

‘Oh, god.’ She whimpered, her voice broke. ‘Oh god.’ Her mouth found my thigh, and I shuddered and gripped her hair. That triggered her to lunge, and I winced as her teeth caught me. Her mouth moved so differently, so obviously unalike to- I stopped myself. I had to stop comparing.

I brought myself back. There was something blunt and rough in the way Beth carried herself, I wasn’t getting much from her. With my eyes closed, my brain flickered back to a memory; I saw my teenage self…laying in Ronit’s bed. I forced myself back to my bedroom, back to the present. I fought against it silently in my head, while Beth lapped and nibbled me. I battled weakly, the memory triumphed and I soared twenty years into the past, where it was no longer Beth, but Ronit in between my legs.

_‘What’s your favourite?’ She asked, her head resting on my thigh._

_‘My favourite what?’ I asked her, playing softly with her hair; I gently touched her forehead, she was perspiring._

_‘What’s your favourite thing I do, with my tongue?’_

_‘Everything.’_

_‘There must be something you like the most.’_

_I waited, relishing the touch of her warm cheek on my skin. ‘I can’t answer that without feeling it.’ I said, her thick, chestnut hair entwined in my fingers._

_She looked up at me, smirking coyly, in the way she often did._

_‘Okay.’ She shifted so that she was on her front, her face lowered until I felt her soft lips brush my clit. The tip of her tongue softly pressed against me._

_‘That’s…’ I took a sharp intake of breath. I was still sensitive from the orgasm I’d just had. ‘Nice.’_

_‘Nice isn’t good enough.’ She moved her lips and did something else with her tongue. I jerked, and my hips shook._

_‘That’s- too much.’ I panted, my hands gripping her hair._

_‘Sorry.’ She quickly retracted her tongue; I heard her swallow. She wrapped her lips over my clit and did something magical with her tongue._

_A deep, low moan formed in my throat, my hands flew to the duvet and I crumpled the fabric in my fists. ‘Tha- that. That. That’s- my favourite. That’s my favourite.’  I was gasping for air; the slow, measured movements of her entire mouth were making my eyelids flicker, my mouth was drying, and I felt almost on the verge of tears._

_I heard her snicker, but she didn’t move her mouth away from me, but continued doing whatever she was doing. My moans grew louder and coarser as the pleasure shot every muscle, every nerve._

_‘What are you do- doing?’ I strained to look down, her eyes were closed._

_‘It’s my secret.’ She said, her lips teasingly speaking against the wetness in the centre of my legs._

I could do with knowing now. I needed to know.

‘Slower.’ I panted, my fingers tangled in Beth’s hair. She obediently slowed her pace, it was more pleasant. She was moaning uncontrollably, struggling to keep quiet, she started to pull her own clothes off.

‘You’re- I can’t believe this is happening.’ She had knelt up, and was stroking my stomach, my chest. Her breath halted when she held my breast, her eyes couldn’t settle on one spot. The wine had done its job up to that point, but now, seeing Beth half nude staring at my naked torso – I started to feel exposed. After her shirt came off, she returned to flicking her tongue harshly, making me jolt, which she must have taken as a good sign, so she continued doing it.

I sighed with my teeth clenched, she mistook it for pleasure. I started to pull away from her and she sat up, pushing her hair out of her eyes. I kissed her and lowered my hand to the buttons of her jeans. We both fiddled awkwardly with it, until finally she got them off and threw them to the floor. She came back to me, leaning over me as my fingers found her – she was so incredibly wet that I felt even more guilty.

‘I’ve dreamt about this.’ She said, I saw her lips quivering.

‘I hope you’re not disappointed.’ I whispered, my fingers stroking up and down.

‘Never. You could never-’ Her head dropped, and her shoulders dipped when I slid two fingers easily inside her. ‘Esti.’ She held my face and bit my bottom lip as my fingers deepened inside her.

I found that I’d closed my eyes again, and I was working my fingers harder and faster, so much so that Beth faltered and fell on top of me. She was over me, shrouding me as my fingers curled inside her.

‘Esti.’ She whispered again, her voice was distorted by the sound of her wetness, her hair that was tickling my face, and her hands that covered my ears.

‘Oh R-’ I caught myself. ‘Beth, Beth.’ I said her name as I brought my thumb to her swollen clit. She shuddered and tensed above me; I felt her constricting around my middle fingers, a sudden gush of wetness filled my palm and she moaned into my mouth; her hands still gripping my head.

‘That-’ She spoke after she had collapsed on the bed next to me. ‘That was… incr- incredible.’

I was on my back as well, staring up; my own chest was rising and falling in time with hers. ‘Mm.’ I agreed.

‘Did you…’ She turned onto her side. ‘Did you come?’

‘Mm.’ My eyes closed again, and I nodded. I had to lie, I couldn’t continue, I was exhausted because of the wine and my failure to not think of Ronit.

I wasn’t being fair to anyone.

I was keeping Ronit trapped in my heart, trapped in a cage. I was being so cruel to Beth, so unfair that it was making me miserable.

I could feel Beth looking at me, so I turned to face her. I looked at her properly; I took her all in. The blue of her eyes, the patter of freckles on her small nose, the pinkness of her narrow lips. She started to smile.

‘What?’ She asked.

‘Will you stay the night?’ I asked, wiping my wet hand on the sheet between us.

‘Do you want me to?’

I nodded again.

‘Then of course I will.’ She touched my chin and stroked my lips. ‘Of course I will.’


	23. The Return

The festival went on forever on Friday, it dragged from morning to afternoon because I knew I had a plane to catch that evening; I was constantly clock watching. Holly and I had spoken the day before, when I got back to my hotel room – she’d called me in a massive flounder.

_‘Ronnie, dear I didn’t know even you were down to go to that awful debrief. It’s just a load of old, white testicles slapping each other on the back for doing the bare minimum.’_

_‘That’s… horrible.’_

I’d still been feeling unwell, so the imagery was unsolicited. But as disgusting as it was, it meant I could reschedule my flights, and it meant I could see Esti sooner. I hadn’t told her. I wanted it to be a surprise. We’d spoken through text the majority of Thursday; she was constantly checking on me.

_How are you feeling? Are you drinking enough water? Xx_

_I’ve been napping and drinking plenty of water, I’m watching an Italian talk show now xx_

_That’s good, I’m proud of you. What’s the talk show about? Xx_

_I don’t know darling – it’s all in Italian xx_

I didn’t hear back from her immediately after that, but eventually I received another text.

_You’re a fool. Xx_

That evening, we spoke on the phone for two hours. I talked to Daniel too. He told me about his day at nursery, his new friend Jacob and that he had shown Beth his bedroom.

‘That’s wonderful. What else did she see while she was there?’

‘Um, don’t know.’ He replied.

I heard Esti ask for the phone back then. She changed the subject quite swiftly, and we ended the call when I started to fall asleep.

‘So, we’ll see you on Saturday then?’ Her hushed voice was so clear, I imagined she was in bed next to me.

‘Yes.’ I lied, with my eyes closing. ‘Saturday afternoon.’

‘I can’t wait.’

‘Neither can I.’

 

I spotted Liam and Ella at _Flare_ but I didn’t see Bradley at all, even though I was keeping a keen eye out for him. Liam was having his picture taken everywhere he went while Ella waited on the sidelines for him. In a rare free moment, I found her and wandered over.

‘Hi Ella.’

She looked up from her phone briefly. ‘Oh, hi Ronnie.’

‘How’s it going?’ We were standing with our backs to a white wall, Liam was just ahead of us, getting snapped by a flurry of photographers.

‘Same old.’ She muttered, sipping from a plastic Starbucks cup in her other hand. ‘Have you repented for all of your sins?’

‘I think so, yeah.’

‘There’s another party tonight.’ She glimpsed up and the corners of her mouth twitched. ‘If you’re up for it.’

‘God, no. I’m going home tonight. Right after this, actually.’ I was staring at Liam, he was still holding his head wrong; it frustrated me so much.

‘Back to the ball and chain?’

‘Yep.’ I checked my watch, there was still three hours until check-in opened.

‘You sound happy about that.’

‘I am, very happy.’

‘That’s weird.’ She flicked her hair back and yawned.

‘Why?’

She sighed. ‘Do I have to explain it?’

‘If you wouldn’t mind.’

‘Oh, I don’t know.’ She scratched her head. ‘You just looked like you were having so much fun the other night. I mean, minus the pervert. You were dancing and drinking and snorting everything in sight… I don’t know.’ She was looking ahead at Liam now. ‘Just seems weird you’re looking forward to….’

‘Domesticity?’

‘Yeah, whatever.’

‘It’s not real fun though, getting fucked all the time.’ I said, my eyes lowering. ‘It’s faux fun. It’s deluded fun.’

Ella scoffed; I was becoming used to that noise. ‘It’s still fun.’

‘It is. But it’s a lot more fun loving someone, and having them love you back.’

‘Sex must get dull though.’

‘It hasn’t yet.’

‘How long have you been together?’

I shrugged. ‘On and off… about twenty-five years.’

Ella choked on her drink. ‘That literally sounds like my worst fucking nightmare.’

‘You’ll learn one day.’

She looked up at me frowning but smiling. ‘Why are you talking like a wise old owl? You’re so weird.’ She paused. ‘But you’re amazing in bed, so I forgive you.’

That made me laugh. ‘You know, I’m starting to worry about you.’

‘I am too.’ She leant back against the wall and stretched her back. ‘Maybe I will go gay.’

‘You don’t- ah,’ I was about to explain the complexities of sexuality, but I gave up very quickly. ‘You should definitely go gay.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Definitely.’

‘Maybe I will.’

Liam had broken away from the swarms of photographers and his long legs were slinking towards us. He was wearing a double denim combination today; the shirt and jeans were tight and revealed his stick thin body.

‘Ronnie!’ He leant in and kissed my cheek. ‘How are things? Ella, I need a cigarette.’

‘Ugh, yes please.’ Ella sat, slotting her phone into her dress pocket.

‘You coming?’ Liam asked me.

‘No, thanks. I’ve got to head up to the stage soon.’

‘Oh yeah, your speech.’ Liam was fiddling with a cigarette he’d tucked behind his ear. ‘Do you want a bump before you go up? Help with the nerves?’

‘You need to stop.’ I joked.

‘Let me know if you do. I’ll make sure we don’t miss your speech, honey. Ella, come on.’

And they left together. I didn’t see them again properly after that, I saw them in the audience when I gave my short speech, neither of them paid any attention. After that was done, I left without saying goodbye to anyone.

I felt the beat of ecstasy and freedom with every step I took to the taxi, every clack the wheels of my suitcase made on the cracks of the pavement, every love song I heard on the radio as I was driven to the airport.

For the two and a half hours I was on the plane, I was fiddling with my phone, desperate to talk to Esti as soon as I landed. I had a few messages from her when I turned my phone on.

_How was your speech? What are you doing afterwards? I think Daniel and I are going to have a takeaway, with the money you left. Xx_

_That sounds amazing, would you order extra for me for tomorrow’s lunch? Just heading back to hotel now, will give you a call when I get there xx_

I was already in a taxi on my way home when I’d sent the message; I was exhilarated. Nerves had erupted in my stomach, I hadn’t felt this excited since I’d been on the flight over from New York, and when I’d surprised her at school. Or when I’d picked her up when she’d come to New York. I accidentally yelped with glee at one point, the driver frowned at me.

I asked him to pull up at the end of the street, so I could walk the last bit of the way. With each step, I felt the excitement almost glowing on my skin. I let myself into the main door quietly and climbed the steps to our landing. I saw our front door and my knees were weak; I knocked three times. Footsteps approached the door and finally it opened.

It took a few seconds for her to register I was there. She had a handful of cash, that she clenched in her fist when she leapt at me and pulled me into a tight embrace. Her arms tightened around my neck.

‘You’re home!’ She said, her animated voice muffled by my coat. ‘You’re home!’

‘I’m home!’ I replied, my arms were around her slim waist, the fireworks had exploded when I’d seen her eyes, her lips.

‘I thought you were the Chinese.’ She spoke, exasperated.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay, it’s okay.’ She paused but didn’t relinquish her grasp on me. I smelt her hair and her neck, my stomach swooped. ‘I ordered you food.’

I laughed and pulled away gently. She pressed her lips against mine briskly and with a passion I felt push deep inside me. She halted for a breath, and I noticed her eyes were glassy.

‘You’re home.’ She repeated.

‘I missed you.’ I said before I kissed her again, for a longer time, while stroking her cheek with my thumb.

‘Ronit!’ I heard a small voice behind Esti, a fast patter of feet running towards us.

‘Daniel!’ I bent down to lift him up, and his arms wrapped tightly around my neck, hugging me in that special way that children do – there’s really nothing like it. Esti joined us, and the three of us stood there laughing and talking in an embrace for several minutes, until the delivery man turned up.

As I stood there, holding them, I cursed my actions two nights before, and I made a promise to myself that I’d do everything I could to protect this euphoria I felt, that feeling of belonging to a family, to preserve it with everything I had.

After we’d eaten, we sat on the sofa together, content and filled with food. I gave Esti and Daniel the gifts I’d bought for them; Daniel had three Roman gladiator figurines and a host of weapons and catapults.

‘If he breaks anything with that…’ Esti started.

‘I take full responsibility.’ I said, flicking one of the toy boulders at her.

I’d bought Esti two pairs of leather pumps from a designer boutique I’d found in a side street near _Piazza Vittoria._

‘Ronit, they’re beautiful. How m… how much were they?’

‘You needed new shoes for work, didn’t you?’

‘Yes, but-’

‘And now you have new shoes for work.’ I looked up at her while I played with Daniel and his new toys on the floor. After we’d exerted ourselves with the game of pinging axes and boulders at random objects in the living room, I returned to the sofa and Daniel laid in my arm while Esti sat at the end, stroking my ankles.

‘I can’t believe you came back without telling me.’ She said, her velvet fingers sending gentle trembles up my leg. ‘You’re going to give me heart failure one day.’

‘Are you happy?’

‘So happy.’

The television was on, but she was watching me. I was starting to fall asleep when Daniel got excitable all of a sudden and started jumping on top of me, his elbows catching my ribs.

‘I think… someone is ready for bed.’ I said, raising him into a fireman’s lift over my shoulder.

‘You’re learning.’ Esti smiled, whilst clearing up the plates. Something was satisfying about that; knowing I was getting to know Daniel, learning his behaviour - there was also something scary about it too, but I forced the fear down.

Daniel was wriggling and protesting but giggling at the same time. Once I got him into his bedroom, he immediately settled and let me put his pyjamas on him.

‘Will you read?’ He asked as he shuffled under his duvet. ‘S’cold.’

‘It is cold, isn’t it? Do you need a blanket? And I absolutely will read, what would you like?’

‘Dinosaur!’ He shouted, rubbing his eyes. I’d already pulled it from the shelf because I’d known that’s what he would ask for. Esti joined us just as he was falling asleep, she stood behind me and we both watched him for a little while afterwards.

‘I think he missed you more than I did.’ She whispered, her hand touched the small of my back and I trembled slightly. I’d missed her touch.

‘It’s mad how much I missed him.’

‘It’s not really.’

‘No?’

‘No.’

She tugged on my hand and led me out of Daniel’s room. We naturally resumed our places on the sofa, except now we were laying together in each other’s arms. She kissed my forehead, my nose, my lips and my chin, with soft, careful ease; my hands slid up under her jumper and I moaned inaudibly, her smooth skin was so enticing.

Esti drew back partially. ‘I’m assuming Holly knows you’re back.’

‘No, I didn’t tell her.’ She tilted her head slightly. ‘Of course she knows.’ I laughed. ‘She gave me _explicit_ permission to leave early.’ I stared at her lips before kissing her.

‘How long did you keep it a secret?’ She was smiling and nuzzling against my cheek.

‘Roughly 24 hours…’ I said, letting my fingers play in the dip of her spine. She exhaled a quiet laugh from her nose. ‘She called me… the minute I got back to my room yesterday morning. She told me tha-’

‘Got back from where?’ She asked casually, lifting her head a fraction.

I paused. ‘Well… I was…’ I felt my brow furrow. ‘I was at Liam and Ella’s hotel.’

‘Who’s Ella?’ She had drawn back, though her hand was still stroking my side.

‘She’s Liam’s friend. The one who rescued me. I told you about her, didn’t I?’

She waited. ‘You never said you were there.’

‘I’m sure I did.’

‘You didn’t.’

‘Okay, I-I mean, it doesn’t matter. Anyway, I got back an-’

‘Did you sleep there?’ She had slowed in her caresses.

‘Where?’

‘At their hotel?’

‘Ye- yeah. I was a wreck, I told you. They took me back there.’

‘Where did you sleep?’ She was still on top of me, but her face was further away. She looked more curious than anything.

‘I…’ The guilt I thought I’d fully subsided started to billow within me. ‘In Ella’s room.’

She knelt up, gazing down at me. ‘You definitely didn’t tell me that.’

‘Esti, it doesn’t matter.’

‘Did you sleep in her bed?’

‘Well… I mean… they didn’t put me on the floor.’

Her mouth was partly open, and she had those creases in between her eyebrows that occurred when she was worried, or sad. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘Esti, I was… I don’t know. I thought I had.’

‘I would have remembered that.’ She said, getting a slight rosiness on her cheekbones.

‘Okay,’ I sat up, fretting slightly. ‘I’m sorry, I thought I told you.’

She was still, though I could see questions brimming behind her eyes, swarming her. ‘So… you spent the night in a woman’s bed… and you didn’t tell me.’

‘Esti, please… this is... this is an overreaction. Nothing happened.’ I made the mistake of laughing. ‘If you saw her, she’s like… she’s a foetus. She’s so young, and… Look, this is ridiculous.’

‘Is it?’ Her arms were across her chest. ‘If I’d done the same, how would you feel?’

‘What?’

‘If I’d… spent the night in another woman’s bed, and I didn’t tell you… how would you feel?’

‘Esti…’ I was stumbling, I felt myself slipping. ‘I’d be upset, I suppose.’

‘Right.’

‘But nothing happened, I swear. I was passed out, and they just… put me on her bed.’

‘Why not Liam’s bed?’

‘Darling, I don’t know, it’s just… where they put me.’ I went to touch her arm, but she pulled away from me. ‘Please, please don’t be angry.’

‘I’m not… angry. I just… I’m sad.’

‘I should have told you.’

‘You shouldn’t have got wasted.’

‘No. I shouldn’t have.’ She was sitting on the sofa, pressed back against the cushions behind her. We were so far apart now, I could almost feel the resistance between us; the atmosphere reminded me of pushing two north poles of a magnet together. ‘But I did. I fucked up, and I’m sorry.’

Her mouth was twisted, I saw she was biting the inside of her cheek.

‘When…’ I spoke, not knowing if I’d make it worse or better. ‘When I woke up, I- went and sat in a chair and slept there for the rest of the time. When I saw where I was.’

‘You stayed there?’

‘I had to, darling. I could barely walk.’

‘Stop it. This is horrible.’ She shot up and made her way to the bedroom. I immediately followed her.

‘Esti, please.’ I begged, I pleaded. I wanted to touch her again. ‘If you could see Ella, you’d laugh about all of this.’

‘I doubt it.’

‘You would! Do you want me to call Liam? I’ll call him, and you can talk to her and you can see that it was nothing. Nothing happene-’

‘I believe nothing happened.’

‘Then what’s the problem?’ I asked, desperately trying to keep my voice quiet but I was getting agitated.

‘You… got so out of control, so drunk… and h-high that you had to be put into a-another woman’s bed a-’

‘Don’t you think I’m judging myself enough for how I acted?’

I saw her jaw clench.

‘Why do you think I came back early?’ I asked.

She wasn’t speaking; her eyes were so downcast I thought they were closed.

‘I came back because I felt so awful, so… horrible that I had to be near you… just to feel normal. I felt rotten, the entire time I was away from you.’

Her nostrils huffed.

‘And then, I found out fucking Beth was here, which was a fucking smack in the face-’

‘I said sorry…about a hundred times for that. And I was begging you to talk to me while you were out… taking coke and sleepi-’

‘I know.’ I interrupted her, my hands were juddering, and I felt a heat rash on my throat.

‘Even still, Beth was round, and instead of telling me how you felt about that, you went and took so much-’

‘Esti. I admitted it, okay? I fucked up.’

‘You did.’

I was nodding, clamping my teeth together to stop myself from crying. ‘So, what happens now?’ I asked, feeling myself edging closer to breaking point.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Do you… want me to sleep on the sofa? Do you want me to go and find a hotel?’

‘Don’t be stupid.’

‘Well what then?’

‘I don’t know.’

It occurred to me then, that this was our first fight. I almost pointed it out in an attempt to lighten the mood, but I didn’t.

‘I love you.’ I mumbled.

‘I love you too.’

But we remained standing apart. And eventually, we fell into our own sides of the bed. She slept with her back to me.


	24. The Mend

I sensed a sudden brightness pierce my eyelids, as though the sun was shining directly through the morning clouds, its strength magnified by the window. I squinted and peeled my eyes open, feeling groggy and unclean. For a moment, I thought I was still in Naples and I experienced that minor bewilderment of waking up somewhere new after several nights of sleeping elsewhere. I was so relieved to find that I was in our bed, with its thick, down duvet, and cotton pillow cases. So glad to be in our bedroom; with the pure white walls and dark, hardwood floors. I dampened my dry lips with my tongue and turned around to see Esti, but she wasn’t there; her side of the bed was unmade and ruffled. I wondered what the time was.

The flat was quiet. I went into the en-suite and brushed my teeth and rinsed with mouthwash; all the while I was ruminating, anticipating what might happen next. I found her in the kitchen, sitting at the island. She was wearing a baggy, grey jumper and shorts, and her hair was tousled at the back; she looked gorgeous, but I didn’t mention it. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee fused with the scent of a fresh linen candle she’d lit; I focussed on that instead.

‘Morning.’ I said, reaching for a mug.

‘Good morning.’ She replied, her tone gave nothing away.

I poured myself a coffee and faced her. I felt the steam floating up under my chin as I held it to my chest. ‘Is Daniel up?’

‘Not yet.’

I nodded slowly. ‘Esti, I’ve been thinking…’ I spoke quietly. ‘About how I can make this better, an-’

‘You don’t need to, Ronit.’

‘I do. And I think tha-’

‘No, you don’t.’ She rested her mug in front of her and wrapped her fingers around it. ‘I’ve been thinking as well, and… I just… need you to know how much it worries me. That you let yourself get into such a state.’

She didn’t intend it to, but her words made me feel winded.

‘You were… reckless and so far away from home, and I suppose I should feel grateful… I am eternally grateful to Liam and… Ella for looking after you. Because, I don’t know what… it terrifies me to think of what could have happened… if they hadn’t been there.’

‘I know.’ My words were sharp and automatic. ‘I know. I’m sorry.’

‘You have… two people… who love you… two people who depend on you now.’

‘I know.’ It was all I could say, because I did know. Everything she was saying, I already knew. I felt so weak.

‘And, that you would treat yourself like that, it hurts me.’

‘You deserve better.’ I felt my bottom lip shake.

‘No, no… _you_ deserve better. Because you’re perfect, and I love you and I don’t want you to hurt yourself, ever.’

I stood there, nodding. I felt a tear fall from my eye, I wiped it away hastily.

‘And,’ she carried on. ‘I suppose, we both need to realise that… the decisions we make… and the consequences… they’re…’

‘Both of ours.’ I said, my voice cracking.

‘Mm.’ She bowed her head; a strand of hair fell in front of her eyes and she pushed it away.

‘I’m sorry. I am really sorry.’

‘It’s okay. I’m sorry too.’

I put my coffee on the side. ‘Can I kiss you?’

‘I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.’

‘I don’t care.’

She gave a short laugh as I walked to her and took her face in my hands. She smelled like Esti. That teasing fragrance of sweet, fresh flowers; a summer meadow covering her skin. My lips brushed the cashmere smoothness underneath her ear. I inhaled the smell and I heard her sigh. I moved my lips onto hers; her mouth tasted like coffee.

‘I’m so glad you spoke first.’ I said, in between the kisses I adorned her with.

‘Why?’

‘Because what you said was,’ my tongue pressed lightly on hers. ‘So much better than what I was going to say.’

‘What were you going to say?’

‘Nothing.’

‘No, tell me.’ She was smiling now, I felt her teeth when I kissed her.

‘I was going to suggest… that I go out and buy a tonne of cocaine… and have you take it all in front of me to teach me a lesson.’

She snorted, and her face fell to my shoulder, where she laughed some more. ‘You’re… such an idiot.’

‘I’m your idiot.’

‘At least you’re creative, I suppose.’

She lifted her head and our eyes met. The light of our kitchen made her eyes look greener; like two forest pools, shimmering after heavy rainfall.

‘You’re so beautiful.’ I stroked her dimples as she smiled. I couldn’t help but kiss her again. ‘Are we okay?’

‘We’re okay.’

‘And you’re not mad.’

‘I’m not mad.’

I closed my eyes. ‘Thank god.’

‘What did you want for breakfast?’ She asked, yawning.

‘You.’ I said, drawing my bottom lip along her neck.

‘We can’t.’ Though I heard her gasp. ‘He’ll be awake soon.’

‘But he’s not awake now.’

‘That’s true.’ I felt her fingers on the back of my head, weaving through my hair. She sighed again, and I felt a heat burn through the centre of me.

‘And… let’s be honest.’ I nipped her throat tenderly. ‘It doesn’t take you very long.’

She pushed me away and laughed.

‘That’s the pot calling the kettle black.’ She got up from the bench and made her way to our bedroom; I followed her, suddenly incredibly aroused. She didn’t go to the bed but perched against the chest of drawers and pulled her shorts down, so they fell softly to her ankles; she wasn’t wearing anything else.

‘Oh, fuck.’ I lowered automatically. With her hands on the back of my head, she pushed me lower until I was kneeling in front of her. She flung one of her legs over my shoulder and her spine curved when my mouth found her, I felt her clit twitch under my tongue.

‘I've waited all week for this.’ I whispered, she responded with a soft groan.

I found it hard to focus. It had only been a week, but Christ I was overexcited. She was rocking her hips into me, occasionally a muffled moan escaped her which urged me to go faster and harder with my entire mouth. Her legs started to stiffen against my back, my hands supported her thighs. Her fingers tightened in my hair, she made a rasping noise and I knew she was ready. I slowed down; that was how I did it. She could only come when my mouth closed over her, and when my slow, flat tongue massaged her entire core.

‘I’m clos-’ She whispered.

‘I know.’ I took a break to speak, but immediately returned to dragging my smooth tongue over her. She bent forwards, and I think she was just on the verge, when I heard Daniel call her from behind the door.

‘Mummy?’

‘Oh god.’ She puffed out hard. I had stopped immediately, but she still held my head in between her legs. ‘Shit.’ She complained, sounding almost tearful. ‘Just coming darling.’

I bit my lip. ‘Choose your words, Esti.’

‘Oh god, stop it.’ She was acting sulky but anxiously laughing as she hurried to put her shorts on and darted for the door; she paused for a breath just before she opened it. I wiped my mouth and stood up, my knees were red. ‘Hello my lovely boy. How are you?’ She picked him up and took him towards the kitchen.

‘Can I have some cereal?’ I heard him ask.

‘Can I have some cereal…?’ I could tell she was still breathless, but I was impressed with her ability to act absolutely fine and still draw politeness from Daniel. I remained in the bedroom, trying to calm myself down.

‘Please.’ He said eventually.

‘Yes, of course you can.’

Eventually I relaxed and went into the kitchen where Daniel greeted me with a mouthful of chocolate cereal and milk. Esti and I refilled our coffee cups and we exchanged a few glances over breakfast. We decided on a plan for the day. After we were all showered and dressed, we would visit the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park. Just before we left, I caught Esti alone as Daniel toddled off to grab his coat.

‘Did you come?’ I whispered, wrapping a scarf over my neck. ‘Earlier?’

‘No.’ She smiled at me. ‘Close, but no.’

‘Good.’

‘Why good?’ She was leaning in and speaking quietly now.

‘It’ll make it even better later.’

I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but she licked her bottom lip and it made me twinge. ‘I’m looking forward to it.’

 

The day was cold and grey. The Wonderland in Hyde Park was packed, but it was fun. We took Daniel on a few of the children's rides, and we each had a Bratwurst hot dog for lunch and worked through a bag of deep-fried, sugary doughnuts later in the afternoon. When we were sat on the bench together and I noticed the frosty air making our breath mist around us, I had that feeling again, the same one I’d experienced when I’d sat on the beach with Esti and Daniel on Long Island. The same feeling I’d had the night before, when I’d held them both. I wanted to cement it, to make it mine forever.

‘Shall we head home?’ Esti suggested. ‘It’s getting quite cold.’ She was fiddling with Daniel’s hat, his earlobes were going red.

‘Absolutely.’

‘Can we go through Portobello?’ She asked. ‘I’d like to get some things in for dinner.’

So, we did that, and eventually we made our way home, our hands burdened with bags of fruits and vegetables, even Daniel was holding a brown paper bag that had a single mushroom in that he’d wanted.

‘Don’t buy him a mushroom.’

‘But he wants it.’ I said, holding the mushroom in the bag.

Esti was laughing. ‘It’s a mushroom.’

‘I want it please.’ Daniel asked again.

I looked at Esti and shrugged. ‘My hands are tied.’

When we got back, Esti made dinner while Daniel and I played with his gladiator toys; the television was on but none of us were watching it. I looked around at one point, I took in the sight of Esti reading through a cookbook and stirring a pot on the hob, and I watched Daniel clashing his soldiers together and making ridiculous noises while the mushroom he'd asked for sat on the coffee table. I thought of what Ella had said.

_That literally sounds like my worst fucking nightmare._

But none of this was a nightmare. It was a dream, a dream I’d spent my entire life convincing myself that I didn’t want.

We ate dinner, it was some sort of Spanish vegetable stew that was just incredible; I had a second helping while Esti tidied up. I realised my appetite had come back tenfold since the cocaine binge the other night.

‘Are you ready for your bath, Master Kuperman?’ Esti asked Daniel, picking him up and carrying him like a baby. ‘I won’t be long.’ She said to me.

‘Okay.’

‘When he’s in bed, do you think we can watch a film?’ She was swinging him gently from side to side, making him chuckle.

‘Yes, of course. Did you have one in mind?’

‘Can we watch _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_?’

I laughed. ‘I wasn’t expecting that, but sure. I’ll see if I can find a copy of it.’

‘Thank you.’

‘It’s no problem.’

She smiled and leant over to kiss me. ‘Come on then, Daniel.’

I heard the sounds of them splashing and talking together. She was speaking with a funny accent and making him giggle madly, and I thought about how lucky Daniel was that he had such a terrific mother; such a far cry from her own mother.

‘Time to say goodnight to Ronit.’ Her voice emerged from the bathroom after ten minutes or so, and I heard Daniel’s wet feet running to me. His hair, which was growing back, was dripping. He was in the towel gown I’d bought him for his stay in New York; he looked adorable.

‘Ni’night Ronit.’ He hugged me, and the soggy towel dampened my shirt.

‘Goodnight stinky.’

‘Will you read dinosaur ‘gain?’

‘Oh, Daniel darling,’ I heard Esti behind us. ‘Let Ronit rest. I can read to you.’

‘No, no, I don’t mind. Of course I will, Daniel.’

He celebrated and ran into his bedroom where Esti struggled to put his pyjamas on, because he was so excited. Once again, I read his story, and once again he fell asleep at the exact same point. We left him, his tiny little snores seeing us out into the living room.

‘You don’t mind doing that, do you?’ Esti asked, as she noiselessly closed the door.

‘I love it.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes.’

‘Because you don’t… there’s no pressure for you to do anything. You can do whatever you-’

‘Where’s this come from?’ I asked, my head sloped to one side and I brushed her hair behind her ear.

‘Just… this morning. I know it’s difficult, with him around sometimes-’

‘It’s not at all difficult, darling. I love him, and I love the three of us… being together.’

She didn’t respond with words, but kissed my hand, that had lingered by her face. Her eyes closed, and she sighed; it sounded almost grateful.

‘Did you find the film?’ She asked, pulling me towards the sofa.

‘I did. All ready to go. Have you seen it before? It’s quite long.’

‘I have seen it before.’

‘Why did you fancy watching it?’

‘Because… I’d like to watch it with you.’

It was an odd answer, but I didn’t query any more. The film started, and I immediately experienced the unwanted, gutting pang of homesickness. I tried to sniff it away, but when I saw the stretch of Fifth Avenue, I felt my forehead crease with a faraway sadness. But then I felt the pressure of Esti laying in my lap, I was stroking her hair, her neck and her shoulders; I reminded myself of why I left.

‘She’s gorgeous, isn’t she?’ Esti commented, when Audrey Hepburn was onscreen, dressed in her white nightshirt.

‘She is stunning. A photographer’s dream.’ I yawned. ‘It’s quite a racist film, isn’t it?’

‘Incredibly.’

We didn’t speak for a long time. I’d seen the film before, but in the same way everyone had seen it. A classic that you started, just to say you’d watched it, but never really getting invested. I was going to tell Esti about a talk I’d attended once, by Bob Willoughby at the Museum of Modern Art… far too long ago now. He’d spoken in depth about his career of photographing Audrey Hepburn, it was an inspiring talk. But she’d already started saying something else.

‘I watched this film… a few years ago.’ Her breath tickled my bare leg.

‘Oh?’

‘And I- I thought about you. The entire time.’

I didn’t say anything but continued twirling her hair between my thumb and forefinger.

‘I wondered if you’d walked along the streets or… if you’d been into any of the buildings. I even wondered if you’d ever sat in the same places they had.’ She paused. ‘I wondered if New York still looked like that, so that… I could imagine you in every scene.’

‘Esti.’ I sighed.

She turned her head and looked up at me. ‘What?’ She asked, faintly.

‘Was that not painful?’

She shrugged and turned back to the television; they were in New York Public Library now.

‘You’ve been there.’ I said.

‘I have.’

‘You’ve been to Central Park too.’

‘I have.’

‘And you have a _Tiffany’s_ necklace.’

‘I do.’

‘You’re a regular New Yorker.’

That made her laugh.

Towards the end of the film, I was growing restless. Her head had been so close to my groin, that I was starting to ache. Where I’d been stroking her before, I gently grazed her with my nails. Her jumper was so baggy, it had fallen over her shoulder and I could see directly down to her chest. She made a small noise and I dug them harder.

She sat up then, her mouth was open. She tilted her body and I pushed her onto her back on the opposite end of the sofa. On the television, Paul and Holly were in a taxi, quarrelling about love, belonging to each other and cages while I licked Esti’s tongue. She raised her legs and wrapped them around me, pulling my hips into hers. The raised voices, and the sound of the rain from the film covered our hushed moans. I thrusted into her reflexively and she pressed her head back, exposing her throat which I dove for. I had to stop myself from leaving a mark, but I sucked and bit her so much that she groaned quite loudly.

I brought my mouth to hers, to stifle the noise. A choir sang _Moon River_ behind us as I pulled at her jumper, and my lips closed over her delicate, pink nipples. She pulled my hair and opened her legs wider; I could tell she was desperately trying to be quiet. I had moved down, my lips brushing against the short, dark hairs on her mound. The film suddenly ended, and the living room was plunged into silence. I could only hear her regular gasps, and my frenzied tongue savouring, licking and swallowing everything with vigour. She circled her hips, rolling her clit in my mouth several times, until my chin was soaking wet.

‘Make me come, Ronit.’ She whispered desperately, sending an urgent craving through me.

I did as she said, I did the same thing as I had done that morning. Flattening my tongue and caressing every part of her with it, I could fully taste her; indulging in the sweet wetness I’d craved and yearned for all day. Her grappling hands moved from my head, to my shoulders and back to the sofa. I held her thighs apart as she convulsed and reared underneath me. I glimpsed up, her throat was flushed and constricted from attempting to be quiet, I could almost see the veins in her neck pulsing as she came.

After four or five violent shudders, she was suddenly still, I kissed her clit and made her jump. Once I pulled back I noticed a patch of wetness on the sofa beneath her. I wiped the glistening slickness from my chin, my cheeks and my mouth and laid on top of her trembling body. She kissed me scrappily, her clammy hands holding my face, sliding down my hair to grip my neck.

‘I love you.’ She murmured. ‘I love you so much.’

‘I love you too.’

‘You’re just…’ She paused, and her eyes studied my face. Her skin was so pink now, but she still looked so soft. ‘Everything.’

‘I need you now.’ I pled, my voice sounded deep. I took her hand and moved it to in between my legs. She nodded and kissed me hard, her fingers slipped into my underwear.

I don’t think she had been prepared for how wet I was. Her mouth opened against mine and she stroked me with two fingers.

‘Oh, Ronit.’

‘Do you…’ My eyes closed, I wondered what she’d say once I asked the question.

‘What?’

‘Do you think you could…’ I had to swallow to get the words out. ‘Fuck me with the strap on?’

‘God. Yes.’ Her eyes closed as her fingers slid all around me.

‘Really?’

‘Yes, fuck- yes.’

 ‘Oh-’ Hearing her swear always did something to me, I experienced several rushes at once and I felt my clit throb. Desire continued to simmer within me as Esti pulled her hand away.

I followed her, for the second time that day, into the bedroom. She went directly for the bag in the wardrobe as I pulled my clothes off and laid on my back. She strapped it on and pulled off her sweater, her nipples were still hard.

‘I won’t turn it on.’

‘Okay.’

‘I just think… I might die if I do.’

I laughed and started to spread my legs.

‘Why don’t you…’ She sniffed and closed her eyes. ‘Why don’t you, turn over?’

‘Oh.’ I nodded. ‘Okay.’ I turned over slowly, and I felt her kneel on the bed behind me. I swallowed, but my mouth hung open.

I heard her breathe harshly through her nostrils as she approached me. I felt her hand on my lower back, and I shivered knowing what was going to happen. She slid the tip of it up and down, using her hand to support it, over my slippery, sensitive clit and back to where I needed it most.

‘Please, Esti.’ I felt her hand press harder against my back, she forced an unsteady breath through her pursed mouth and slowly eased inside me. I fell forward onto my elbows. ‘Oh, fu-’

She didn’t stop though, she continued rolling her hips, pulling out and deepening her measured thrusts each time. She made a noise each time her hips made contact with me, it was halfway between a moan and a stifled cry. Both of her hands were clamped to my waist, her grip tightening as she drove harder and faster into me. I felt the force of her entire body deep inside me, and each time she pulled out and pushed back I wanted to yell out. I wanted to call her name until I lost my voice. I wanted to give her my everything. But I pulled a pillow to me instead, and yelped into it, biting it and forcing my face into it.

She pushed the small of my back down so that it arched, and she could get a better, deeper angle. I tried not to come straight away, I tried to fight it so as to draw it out, but I failed and fell to her whim. I collapsed onto my front, choking slightly as a swelling pleasure surged through me from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers and toes. I fell onto the pillow, where I allowed myself the quiet release of a long moan.

Esti pulled out of me gently, still stroking my back, still breathing heavily. I was on my front and she dropped next to me. She was staring at me; her soothing hands had moved to my upper back and shoulder blades.

‘Was that okay?’ She asked me, I could barely move.

‘Yes. It was… you’re indescribable.’

She didn’t respond but simply smiled. She stood up and removed the strap on from her hips. I heard her go to the bathroom to clean it.

‘How are you standing up after that?’ I asked, when she came back and returned it to its place in the wardrobe.

‘With great difficulty.’ She fell next to me and stroked my hair.

We worked our way under the duvet and my head rested on her naked chest. I don’t remember falling asleep, it happened too quickly. But I do remember hearing the beat of her heart beforehand, and I remembered thinking that I wanted to listen to that sound forever.


	25. 2016 Pt. 3

Beth arrived on Saturday for our day date before Dovid, even though I’d deliberately given her a later time so that their paths wouldn’t cross. He was coming over to take Daniel out for the day, I didn’t know what his plans were; I never asked. I thought it would be him at the door, but it was Beth, with a bouquet of yellow and purple tulips.

‘Hi.’ She was smiling widely. ‘Sorry, I know I’m early, I was just so excited.’

‘Oh, that’s- that’s fine. Come in.’

‘These are for you.’ She handed me the flowers and I took them.

‘Thank you, they’re beautiful.’ I said, as she leaned in to kiss me. I smiled and brought her inside. ‘I’ll get them in some water.’

I heard Beth greet Daniel enthusiastically while I was in the kitchen – she really was in a good mood. I carried the flowers into the living room, they were in a glass vase that used to sit in mine and Dovid’s house. Daniel was laying on his back in the living room, gurgling and kicking his chubby legs out.

‘Look at those cute little feet!’ Beth said as she bent down and squeezed his calves and thighs, making him squawk.

‘Why so early?’ I asked, trying to sound friendly. I knelt next to her; I was halfway through getting Daniel dressed.

‘I couldn’t sit around waiting. I was so excited for the zoo, and you.’ She sat back and let me carry on, but she put her hand on my back. ‘You don’t mind, do you? I thought it might be nice if I meet Daniel’s dad.’

I almost groaned out loud at the thought, but I stopped myself. ‘It might… it might just be easier if you don’t.’

‘Oh… okay. Whatever you want.’

I almost said, ‘What I wanted was for you to come around at the time I gave you’ but I didn’t.

‘I looked at the zoo map a hundred times last night.’ Beth carried on, her fingers excitedly tickling my back. ‘I was thinking we could start with the reptile house, and after that… normally people just head right straight for the farmyard, but if we take an immediate left then we’ll be at the penguins in time for their feeding, and that just sounds incredible. What do you think?’

‘That sounds great.’

‘Ugh, I can’t wait. Are you excited?’

‘Extremely.’ I said, tying Daniel’s laces on his tiny trainers.

‘Did you want lunch there?’ She’d pulled her knees up to her chest. ‘It’s just, it’s quite expensive. I thought we could try this Lebanese place quite close by.’

‘That sounds great.’ I lifted Daniel up, he was getting so big now, but his head still lolled about on his neck, I wasn’t sure if that was normal. I’m sure it was, someone would’ve pointed it out by now if it wasn’t.

‘I was thinking after that we-’

Beth was interrupted by a knock at the door.

‘Sorry, just one minute.’ I got up with Daniel in one arm, grabbed his day bag with my free hand and hastened for the door. ‘If you could just… stay here.’

‘Sure.’ She nodded.

I made my way to the door and opened it. ‘Hello Dovid.’ I said, trying not to look him in the eyes.

‘Esti.’ He bowed his head. ‘My son.’ He held his arms out and took Daniel from me. He bounced him in the air a few times, making Daniel burble with joy.

‘I hope you have a nice time today.’ I said.

‘I’m sure we will.’ Dovid held his hand out for the bag holding Daniel’s nappies, milk and blanket and I passed them over. ‘I will bring him back this evening.’

‘What time?’

‘I don’t know. What time did you want him?’

‘Whenever you wanted to.’ I said, making a conscious effort to allow Dovid the freedom to choose.

‘Maybe 7, then?’ He suggested, still making faces at Daniel.

‘That sounds good. I’ll… see you then.’ I leant in to kiss Daniel. ‘Goodbye my lovely boy.’

Dovid bowed his head once more and turned to leave. I waved and watched them until they reached the car. I closed the door and leant against it, closing my eyes and taking a breath.

‘Is he gone?’ Beth called out.

‘Yes.’

‘I need the toilet, that’s all.’

‘You can go.’

She stepped out of the living room and headed for the bathroom. She returned moments later, smelling like sweet soap.

‘Sorry, I got desperate as soon as the door knocked.’ She sat next to me on the sofa as I was putting my shoes on.

‘Thank you, for… staying in here. I’m sorry, it’s just…’

‘It’s fine. I felt like your naughty little secret.’

‘It’s… not you. It’s just a… long story.’

‘Maybe you can tell me it today.’ I felt her hand on my back again. She was so comfortable with touching me now, as though having sex had broken down all of her barriers. Though, I still felt uncertain.

‘Maybe.’

‘Did you want to head off now, or did you want to…?’ Her hand rounded and applied more pressure to my waist; her fingers pressed into my skin.

‘I… I just put my shoes on.’

That made her laugh and she checked her watch. ‘That’s fair. You don’t want to miss the penguins, do you?’

‘No, I don’t.’ I lied.

‘I knew it.’

 

We set off for the zoo. On the tube, Beth was constantly holding my hand even though the carriage was sweltering, and our hands were becoming sweaty and moist. I retrieved my hand several times, but she absentmindedly kept grabbing it.

Although, on the walk from the station, she was quite sweet. I think she’d realised that I didn’t want to hold her hand, so she kept to herself. She also said several thoughtful things about Daniel and offered complimentary observations of my parenting. It made me feel guilty, so I stopped to kiss her under a crowd of willow trees near the lake in Regent’s Park. That gave her another burst of energy and soon she was guiding me through the zoo, holding my hand, and speaking excitedly about the new gorilla exhibit.

 

My feet were sore and throbbing by the time we reached the restaurant. I hadn’t worn the right shoes for a full day on my feet.

‘I was thinking we could just get a bunch of dishes and share them.’ Beth said, studying the menu. She was wearing a dark green V-neck t-shirt that clung to her waist; she was so shapely in figure, and so overtly feminine in how she carried herself sometimes, that I often noticed she garnered attention from men as we walked along the street.

‘I never notice.’ Beth brushed it off, after I pointed it out at lunch.

‘But it happens all the time.’ I said.

‘Maybe that’s why I don’t notice it.’ She took a sip of her Turkish coffee. ‘Are you jealous?’ She was smirking.

I didn’t feel jealous at all; I suppose I was just being observant, but I acted otherwise. ‘Maybe I am.’

‘That’s cute.’ She started to scoop up some hummus with a flatbread. ‘So, do you and Daniel’s dad have an okay relationship?’

It was so blunt, but I’d grown used to it, so I pulled at the lamb kofta in front of me. ‘We do now.’

She was staring intently at me, her eyes not breaking even as she ate. ‘But… before…?’

‘It was difficult for a time.’ I sat back but continued to stare down. ‘I had Daniel by myself. I went into labour so quickly that I didn’t… have time to tell him. He was livid afterwards. He… he didn’t forgive me immediately.’

‘That’s not your fault though.’ Beth said, wiping the corners of her mouth. ‘You were having a baby.’

‘I know. But before, he’d demanded I stay with him the whole time I was pregnant, and I’d argued otherwise. So, it was his way of saying he was right, and that I was alone because… This is all a bit deep.’

‘No, no.’ Beth leant over the table and held my hand. ‘I’d like to know. It’s weird that he’d… want you to live with him though, isn’t it?’

‘Maybe we should talk about something else.’

‘Okay…’ She paused for a moment. ‘Why don’t we exchange coming out stories? They’re always fun.’

‘Sorry, I’m not sure what you mean.’

‘Coming out? You don’t know what coming out means?’

I shook my head, picking up my fork and putting it back down.

‘It’s when… you really don’t know?’

‘No, I don’t.’

‘Okay.’ She laughed. ‘It’s just… basically when you tell people you’re gay. When you come out… of the closet.’

‘Right.’ I still didn’t fully understand.

‘So, mine,’ Beth carried on, licking her fingers. ‘I was… seventeen. And my best friend, Tara, stayed the night at my house, and we were both in my bed and she just... well… started touching me.’ She was speaking quietly, but I was still embarrassingly aware of how public this conversation was. ‘And it just felt leagues better than when any boy had done the same, right? So, I realised then. And I told my parents the day after; I was _so_ sure.’

‘Right.’ I said, relieved she’d stopped talking.

‘So, when did you know?’

‘A long time ago, I suppose.’ I said.

She was nodding. ‘And, Daniel’s dad was a… one-night stand with the wrong person?’

‘He was my husband.’

Beth almost choked on whatever she was eating. ‘Your hus-husband?’

‘Yes.’

‘But you… you knew you were gay…’

‘A long time ago.’

She stared at me for a few seconds, her mouth partially open. ‘I… I’m confused.’

‘I was married to him, for a long time.’

‘But you knew you were gay?’

‘Yes.’

‘But… why?’

‘I had no choice.’

She was frowning, so harshly it made her look older than she was. ‘Okay.’

‘I told you it was a long story.’

‘You weren’t lying.’ Her elbows were both on the table now, she was leaning closer to me. ‘But you’ve…’ She mouthed the word ‘fucked’. ‘Girls before, haven’t you? Because you’re… really good at that.’

‘One.’

‘One girl?’

‘Yes.’ I felt my face going red. I was getting closer and closer to thinking and talking about Ronit, the whole situation felt so surreal. I was so conscious of being in the middle of a busy restaurant.

‘Who was she? Did you see her on the side? This is like a soap opera.’ Beth was laughing, but I wasn’t.

‘No, it was nothing like that.’ Although, I suppose at one point it had been like that, after the Rav died.

‘God, this just got so much deeper, didn’t it?’ She took another sip of her coffee. ‘You were with her before you were… married then? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were married.’ She was still chuckling. ‘You’re so… mysterious.’

‘I don’t think so. It was… in the past. It didn’t seem important to tell you.’

‘That’s… fair enough. Tell me though, about your one girl. I’m curious.’

‘There isn’t much to tell.’

‘Did you love her?’ Her question obstructed the breath in my lungs, but she just carried on as though everything was normal. ‘Because I loved Tara, after that night. But she acted like it never happened afterwards. Went off with a guy, and I had to prete-’

‘I- I think we should talk about something else.’

‘You _did_ love her!’ Beth said, why was she acting so joyous? ‘You did, I can see it.’

I wanted to stop her, I wanted to stand up and declare to the entire restaurant: ‘I did love her. I _do_ love her. I'll always love her’, but again, I refrained.

‘First loves break your heart.’ She said, so nonchalantly that I felt a bit unwell. ‘Are you going to eat your lamb?’

‘N-no.’ I pushed my plate towards her and she took a chunk of kofta with her fork. I was starting to feel sick. ‘I think we should go soon. I want to make sure I’m back for Daniel.’

‘Okay.’

 

We left the restaurant in the late afternoon; the clouds in the sky had cooled the air. It was refreshing, but with every step home I was aware of two painful blisters forming on my heels. When we got in, I had to lay on the sofa and remove my shoes carefully, wincing as I did so. Beth noticed and brought me a cold flannel and a few plasters from the medicine cupboard in the bathroom.

‘Thank you, Beth.’

‘It’s okay.’ She said, as though I shouldn’t have thanked her, as though I should have expected her behaviour. ‘Do you want me to…?’ She pulled the flannel from my hand and sat on the sofa, pulling my legs over her lap. She wrapped the cool, damp flannel over my sore, red feet and I sighed with relief. She gently stroked my ankle, and again I felt that sickening pang of remorse. I sat up and kissed her, she kissed me back.


	26. The Dinner Guest

On Monday morning, I went back to school invigorated and cheerful. The weekend had been filled with Ronit and Daniel, and I felt so content in my heart that I sat through the morning meeting with a weightless pleasure in my entire body; even when Beth came in and sat next to me.

Afterwards, I’d been heading for my classroom when she caught up with me.

‘Hi,’ she said, with a small voice.

‘Hi.’

‘I wanted to say thank you, for Wednesday.’ She’d followed me into my room, I rested my planner and folders on my desk and faced her.

‘That’s fine.’ I spoke faintly; I was still getting flashbacks to earlier that morning when Ronit had woken me with her tongue.

‘It was really kind of you. And… your home is gorgeous.’

‘Thank you.’

‘And Daniel is so handsome and so grown up.’

‘Thank you.' I repeated. 'He is.’

‘It was nice… spending time with you again.’

I had to blink for a longer time. ‘Beth, I-’

‘I don’t mean anything by it.’ She held her hands up defensively. ‘It was just nice, and it made me feel a lot better.’

‘I’m… glad you feel better. But… I don’t think it’s a good idea… for us to… for you to come over anymore.’

She paused, her eyes fixed on me. ‘Did it upset Ronit?’

‘That’s besides the poin-’

‘You know, if something upsets Ronit… it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means that it upset Ronit.’

‘Beth, I-’

‘You were just being a good friend. Why would she have a problem with that?’

‘You know full well why, Beth.’

‘Jesus.’ She rolled her eyes, her hands massaged either side of her neck. ‘We didn’t fuck each other Esti, you invited me over for tea after a funeral.’

‘Lower your voice.’ I said eyeing the door, I spoke in the tone I used when I scolded Daniel. ‘Don’t... talk like that. Why do you have to-’

‘Sorry, sorry. I’ll just… I’ll remember to stay away from you... the next time someone dies.’ She turned on her heel and went for the door.

‘Beth-’ I called, but she’d already gone.

I tried to not let the encounter dampen the day, or the rest of the week. I focussed on being at home that evening, when I’d see Ronit and Daniel again. I thought about the end of the week, when Audrey would be coming over for dinner. Ronit had confirmed it over the weekend.

‘I was thinking I could try and cook something French?’ I suggested, after Ronit’s call with her. I was browsing through a French cuisine cookbook, but it all looked incredibly complicated.

‘Ooh, is that a good idea? What about something English instead?’

I grimaced. ‘We can’t serve her toad-in-the-hole, Ronit.’

She threw her head back and laughed while cutting up a banana and apple. She slid the pieces from the knife into a plastic bowl. ‘No? What about a shepherd’s pie?’

‘We don’t have the best food, do we?’

‘It’s not very glamorous, no.’ She put the fruit onto the bench for Daniel, who hungrily grabbed a piece of apple. ‘To be honest darling, I doubt she eats very much anyway. We could probably get away with a lot of red wine and a cheeseboard.’

‘Okay. If you’re sure.’

‘I’m fairly sure. I’ll go to Borough Market at some point this week. I’m on a shoot near London Bridge on Thursday, so I’ll just grab some stuff there.’

‘That would be lovely.’

I wasn’t too worried about it. I was trying to focus on it specifically in fact, because I knew that immediately afterwards Ronit would be away again. I think she was going to Budapest, or was it Berlin first? I knew she was definitely going to Budapest at some point; I remembered her talking about Buda Castle, or something like that. I couldn’t ask her about it much, the idea of her leaving still tortured me, especially given how her last trip had gone. Though, I harboured some responsibility for that.

 

The week flew by, because I was still happy. I often thought that my life had dragged when I was with Dovid. I felt almost immortal because I never felt like I was going anywhere; a terrifying, stagnant purgatory that would continue forever. But now, since Daniel, and since Ronit, I could blink, and months would pass. I tried to hold onto it, to admire it constantly like it was a fine china ornament, so thin and delicate; one mistake or one fall and it would shatter. I couldn’t allow that to happen.

‘You look beautiful.’ Ronit said, an hour or so before Audrey was due to arrive. ‘Have you made yourself even _prettier_ because Audrey’s coming over?’ She’d grasped me from behind as I stood in front of the mirror.

‘You’re paranoid.’ I laughed, dabbing powder under my eyes.

‘You smell good too.’ Her face was pressed against my nape, her breath pleasantly tickling me.

‘Did you put out the rest of the food?’ I asked.

‘I did.’ She was kissing my neck now, her hands were on my hips. I had to steady myself on the dresser.

‘Ronit.’ I breathed her name.

‘Mm?’

‘You’re insatiable.’

‘I know.’ She stepped around me and her lips touched mine lightly. I could smell her lipstick, and I felt a tingle. ‘I did only come in because Daniel asked if he could stay up later to have ice cream.’

‘Okay.’ She took a step back and I returned to the mirror, putting a pair of pearl studs in my ears.

‘And I wanted to ask you if that was okay.’

‘Well… what do you think?’

‘I… think it’s a reasonable request. It’s Friday, after all.’

I laughed then. ‘Okay then.’

‘So, he can have some?’

‘Ronit,’ I turned to face her, holding her waist. ‘You can make these sorts of decisions.’

‘I can?’

I nodded. ‘You’re…’ I don’t know how I was going to end the sentence, but I think Ronit knew. Her eyes softened, and her lips pursed into a nervous smile.

‘Okay. I’ll tell him.’ She kissed my cheek before she left.

I listened out for their conversation; Ronit telling Daniel he could have ice cream, Daniel squeaking with excitement. I heard Ronit opening the freezer and they were counting the number of scoops; I felt my heart inflate. How could I possibly experience this much happiness?

I left the bedroom once I was ready; I’d only dressed in a long-sleeved black dress, but I had put some make up on, in the way Ronit had recently taught me.

She was sitting on the armchair with Daniel on her lap, a half-filled bowl of melting ice cream sat forgotten on the coffee table. Ronit was showing him her camera.

‘So, you point this bit,’ she tapped the short lens. ‘At something you want to take a picture of, like mummy. Hold it up, like that.’

He was giggling as he held the camera up, so that it was directed at me. She was supporting the bottom of it, because it was a heavy camera.

‘That’s it, and you look through here.’ She pointed at the viewfinder on the back of it. Daniel edged in, still chuckling madly. ‘What can you see?’

‘Mummy.’ He said, through a big grin.

‘That’s good. And then you press this button on top. Can you reach that?’

He pulled back slightly, and then took his finger and lightly tapped the shutter release.

‘Oh, much harder than that Daniel. Put some welly into it.’ Ronit said, which made him laugh harder.

‘Okay, okay, welly.’ He said, pressing the button so that a flash stunned the entire living room.

‘Excellent.’ She pulled the camera down and turned on the screen. ‘Look at that, that’s mummy. You took that.’ She was smiling, her arms around Daniel as he stared at the photo.

‘Mummy, mummy.’ Daniel said proudly, pointing at the camera. ‘I took that.’

‘Well done darling, I’m so proud of you.’ I hadn’t been able to speak up to that point, I’d been transfixed.

‘A budding photographer, I think.’ Ronit said, looking up at me.

I almost said, ‘Just like his mother’, but I pulled myself back.

‘I see he ate all of his ice cream.’ I said instead.

‘He said it was too cold.’

I laughed and sat down. A prickly feeling of nerves had started in my stomach, I always got that feeling before socialising, so it wasn’t unexpected.

Our doorbell chimed and the anxiety spiked a fraction. I looked down at myself automatically.

‘I’ll get it.’ Ronit hoisted Daniel up and put him on the sofa with me. She looked stunning tonight; she was wearing a fitted, polka dot shirt with an open neck, and black capri trousers. I got a breeze of her shampoo as she passed us.

‘Audrey!’

‘Oh Ronit!’ I heard Audrey’s breathy French voice glide through the apartment. ‘ _Tu es belle,_ again! What a beautiful home.’ They kissed one another’s cheeks and Ronit brought her inside, I heard her heels clack on the floor.

I stood up to greet her, but Daniel had already jumped off the sofa and dashed to the door, curious to see who was in his house.

‘Oh, _mon… Dieu_.’ Audrey spotted Daniel before she saw me. She bent down a fraction, making her long, grey coat fall open. She was holding a bottle of wine in both hands. ‘Who are you, _mon chou_?’

Daniel didn’t answer but tugged on Ronit’s hand and hid behind her leg. ‘Audrey,’ Ronit started. ‘This is Daniel, Esti’s son. Daniel, this is Audrey.’ Ronit had picked him up and had him on her hip.

‘ _Je n’en crois pas mes yeux_. _’_ Audrey had stepped forward, gawping at Daniel. ‘Ronit, he looks exactly like you. His eyes…’

‘Hi Audrey.’ I stepped forward to greet her. ‘How are you?’

‘Esti,’ she turned her head and stood up straight. She spoke my name so sensually, I felt slightly uncomfortable. She leant into kiss my cheeks. Her skin was cold, and slightly red from being outside, but she smelt incredible. ‘The lover, the partner, now the mother. How have you been?’

‘Well, thank you.’ I tried to get a proper look at her this time. I’d been slightly drunk when I’d met her before; she was still as beautiful as I remembered. Her jaw was chiseled so finely, her cheekbones were so high that if she were a bust, her sculptor would have been world renowned. Despite that, her face had a humbleness about it; I think it was her eyes.

‘Let me take your coat.’ I offered my hands out and she pulled her skinny arms from her woollen coat. I hung it up; it smelt intensely like her perfume.

‘Oh, I am so happy to finally be here.’

‘We’re so happy you could make the time.’ Ronit exclaimed. ‘It was hard pinning you down.’

‘But of course!’ Audrey caught sight of Daniel again in Ronit’s arms. ‘ _Ugh,_ _qu’il est beau_. So handsome. He is both of yours? I had no idea, Ronit.’

‘It’s… a long story.’ Ronit said, her eyes caught mine and she smiled.

‘In that case, I look forward to hearing the long story; I love long stories.’

Still holding Daniel, Ronit led Audrey into the kitchen where we’d put out a spread of soft and hard cheeses, sliced sourdough bread, plump mixed olives, and a shallow bowl of balsamic vinegar. I followed behind them, reaching for three wine glasses.

Audrey took an immediate seat on a stool. She was wearing skinny black jeans and high ankle boots, that elongated her legs. She also wore a tight turtleneck jumper; the colour matched her coat and it revealed the leanness of her chest and stomach.

‘I brought this for us.’ She held up the bottle. ‘It is a Bordeaux from close to my home in France; a  _Châteaux Margaux_. To say, thank you, of course… for this evening.’ She handed the bottle to Ronit, who had put Daniel down on the floor; he was still staring at Audrey and I couldn’t blame him.

‘Jesus, Audrey. A 1928 vintage?’ Ronit was studying the wine, her thumb stroking the golden text on the faded beige label.

‘Oh, it is nothing. Stop with your face, Ronit.’ But she was smiling. ‘Open it, let it air while we talk.’

‘You’re outrageous.’ Ronit said again. I didn’t want to admit that I had no idea what she was talking about, but I assumed the wine was old, and expensive. I handed Ronit the bottle opener and she had the cork out in seconds.

‘How was South Korea, Audrey?’ I forced myself to speak, even though conversing with her was a struggle. It was like having a celebrity in our house… in fact, that’s exactly what it was.

‘Oh, Esti. _J'aime l'Asie_. I love Asia, with my everything.’ She brought her shoulders up and raised her chin, her eyes were closed. ‘I love the food, the people. I love the sticky heat. It is like nature swaddling you, _non_? A tropical, dripping embrace.’ Her mouth wrapped around each of the words with such delicacy.

‘Most people don’t enjoy that, Audrey.’ Ronit chuckled and started to pour the wine out.

‘Most people are not me, Ronit. Tch, tch… it needs longer than that. Let it breathe _ma_ _chèrie_.’ She tapped the back of Ronit’s hand.

‘All right, all right.’

‘Who’re you?’ Daniel asked, his small voice peeping up and making Audrey jump slightly.

‘ _Mon chou_ , my name is Audrey.’ She was leaning over to where Daniel was stood, pushing her short blonde hair back. ‘You are Daniel, _non_?’

‘I am Daniel.’ He was smiling, exposing his dimples and his little teeth. Audrey touched his cheeks.

‘Goodness me. You are too handsome. Ronit, have you shot him yet?’

‘I haven’t yet, actually.’ Ronit was staring at Daniel as well now, she wore the purest smile as she looked at him.

‘You are missing a trick, my love. He would do so well in front of a camera.’

‘I should put him to bed, actually.’ I said, sad to interrupt their conversation.

‘Oh,’ Audrey cried. ‘But we were just getting to know each other.’

I laughed. ‘I’m sorry, you’ll… have to come back and give him modelling lessons.’

‘Don’t joke, Esti.’ Audrey was smirking. ‘I will do just that.’

Daniel bade Audrey goodnight, Ronit hugged him and kissed his forehead before we left for his bedroom. I tucked him in and read a short story, but he was already falling asleep by the time his head hit the pillow.

When I got back to the kitchen, Ronit had poured some of our wine out while we waited for Audrey’s to decant properly. By the time we got around to tasting hers, I was already quite tipsy, and I couldn’t tell the difference between the expensive wine and the one we’d just finished. But Ronit and Audrey seemed to enjoy it. They both moaned when they each took their first sip and I felt a slight rush, which I shoved away.

‘That is… exquisite.’ Ronit sighed, swilling the wine in her glass.

‘Ah, you see, I told you. _Châteaux_ _Margaux,_ it is the best. I am biased, but it _is_ the best.’

We drank and talked, and Ronit and I ate. She had been right, Audrey barely touched anything. I think she took an olive or two, but mostly she just sank the wine we put in front of her. She asked if there was anywhere to smoke and we opened up the large windows in the kitchen, which led to a small balcony. The three of us leant out of it, gazing over our street; while the white, crescent moon hung above us. Ronit and Audrey smoked together; the smack of the cold and the tobacco made us all more intoxicated, I think. Afterwards, Ronit left for the bathroom, leaving me and Audrey alone in the kitchen.

‘You two are so happy.’ Audrey slurred, her lips were stained purple. ‘I can see it, it is so… refreshing.’

‘Thank you.’ I said, my head slightly spinning.

‘You... have... changed her life for the better. Has she told you that yet?’ She was leaning on her hand, her eyes burrowing into me.

‘I’m not sure…’ I didn’t know how to respond; my brain and mouth weren’t working together.

‘She was so- ugh… Esti… when I knew her, in New York, she’d move from man to man to man…’ Her head bobbed with every repetition of the word. ‘I am similar, in a way. But I fall in love with them, deeply in love with them. But hers was… so much less, she was so unhappy with it. I knew that. It was all so shallow, so fake... I asked her once… I said, ‘What is it you’re looking for?’ and do you know what she told me?’

‘What?’ I was leaning into Audrey now; our faces were so close. I could smell her perfume again mingling with the frosty air of the winter night. I wanted to hear her tell me more, I wanted to dive into her story. I was hungry to hear all about Ronit when she’d known her; the years of Ronit I’d missed out on.

But at that point, Ronit returned and Audrey pulled back from me. ‘Ronit, we’re empty.’ She held up her glass and shook it.

‘Right you are.’ Ronit’s face looked rosy, and her eyes were heavy. She pulled another wine bottle from the rack below the counter and opened it.

We all continued to drink into the night, the drunker we got, the more tactile Ronit was with me. We’d be stood behind the island out of sight, and she’d grab me, or Audrey would leave for the bathroom and we’d kiss fervidly against the counter for a few minutes while she was gone. Ronit left for the bathroom another few times, but Audrey had moved past her story, though I was still stuck on it. She was lounging back on the armchair now, telling us all about her different loves in each city.

‘Antonio, in Florence; strong, like an ox. Haruki, Tokyo; so sensitive, androgynous almost.' She was speaking in such a far-off way, as though she were transporting herself all of the world. 'Ernesto, Barcelon-’ 

‘Audrey,’ Ronit was stroking my leg on the sofa. ‘As fun as this is... it's actually not fun at all.’

Audrey’s hand flung to her mouth and she laughed. ‘I am so drunk. I can’t help it. I get so…' She took a deep breath, her chest rose. 'Emotional.’

‘I’m sure there’s a more specific word for how you’re feeling.’ Ronit was grinning. ‘Do you not have a love in London?’

‘I used to, but he wanted to marry me.’ She was staring at the ceiling, her hand now resting on her abdomen. ‘Do you know anyone?’

‘Unfortunately, no.’ Ronit turned to me. ‘Dovid?’ I spat my wine out, which made her smile. Audrey hadn’t heard us.

‘I do need a London love. I… need it.’ Her tone was yearning, her hand raised to her throat. Her spine was curved in the chair now, her legs were flung over the arm so that her jumper had rolled up slightly and was exposing her bony hips. She looked over to me and Ronit, she smiled when she saw Ronit’s hand on my thigh. ‘You two.’ She laughed. ‘I should go. It’s late.’

‘Are you sure?’ Ronit asked, sitting forward. I shifted my legs.

‘I am so sure. I need to… yes. It’s late, _non_? What a marvellous evening.’ She had sat up, she ran her fingers through her pixie cut. ‘Thank you, _merci chéries_ , thank you.’

She gathered herself and stumbled for the door, Ronit and I followed her. She clumsily removed her coat from the rack.

‘Where are you staying?’ I asked, I was about to suggest we order her a taxi before she left.

‘Why? Would you like to come with me?’ Audrey giggled and slid her coat over her arms, I felt myself blush. ‘ _Je plaisante_ , I’m just joking.’ She looked at Ronit, who looked amused. ‘I am at the Milestone, _chérie_.’

‘Did you want a taxi?’ Ronit asked, as I couldn’t speak.

‘I think I’ll walk. Maybe I’ll find my next London love. Ronit,’ Audrey leant in and hugged Ronit close to her, she kissed her cheeks several times and held her face. ‘Thank you for this. I’ll be in touch soon, for another shoot, yes?’

‘Absolutely.’

‘And Esti,’ Audrey turned back to me and held me as she had done Ronit. Her lips met my cheeks. ‘Your son is so handsome.’

‘Thank you. It’s been wonderful, having you here.’

‘We must do it again. Such a beautiful family, beautiful. We must catch up again,’ she leant in and whispered. ‘I have to finish my story, _non_?’

I nodded and hugged her, breathing in her perfume yet again. And then she left, staggering slightly down the steps towards the front door.

‘ _Au revoir mes beautés_!’ She shouted once she’d reached the bottom, the door hurled shut behind her.

Ronit and I were too drunk to do anything after that; we tidied the kitchen as much as we could, but we fell into bed very soon after Audrey left. Just as we were falling asleep, I heard Ronit mumble into my ear, with her hands pressed to my chest.

‘Do you know how much that wine was worth?’

‘Audrey’s wine?’

‘Mm.’

‘How much?’

‘£800.’

‘£800?’ I turned to face her, her eyes were two slits in the darkness of our room, I could see her teeth because of her grin. ‘We drank £800 wine tonight?’

She snickered. ‘We’re high society now, darling.’

‘That’s unbelievable.’

She didn’t say anything more, neither did I. I went to sleep thinking about the transformation my life had taken, I inevitably worried that it wouldn’t last. And then I thought about what Audrey had said.

_‘You... have…changed her life for the better.’_

I let that carry me away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say, I've been reading all of your comments on every chapter. I love reading your theories and opinions; it amazes me that you guys are picking up on the subtlest of things and drawing back to old chapters and you're discussing and weaving the story together yourselves and coming up with these outcomes.
> 
> The compliments are unfathomable to me, but I appreciate every one. You guys are the best, and I sincerely am so humbled by your reactions to each chapter.
> 
> As always, I hope you've enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> CN
> 
> P.S. In case you don't know, toad-in-the-hole is an English dish, it's basically sausages in Yorkshire pudding batter. And shepherd's pie is minced meat topped with mashed potatoes. Neither one I'd serve to a model.


	27. 2013

After an ungodly number of cocktails and a lot of heavy petting under the table, the Texan finally led me from the hotel bar to the elevators. It was late, so we were entirely alone; he pressed the button for the 46th floor and then forced me against the mirror roughly and began kissing my lips and neck. I raised my thigh around him and felt his hard groin press against me. I felt drunk and excited… even though I knew this wouldn’t last long, it got me out of my own head.

‘You’re in the Penthouse?’ I asked breathily, his rugged beard scratching me.

‘Uh huh.’ His strong hands were yanking my hips into him. ‘God, I love your accent.’ He growled before sinking his teeth into my neck.

When the elevator opened into the suite, he fumbled with his card key and let me in first. The glaring lights of the Manhattan skyline lit up the massive room so brightly that we didn’t need anything else on. I faced the window for a second, but he turned me boisterously and hoisted me up so that my legs were wrapped around him. He threw me onto the sofa and pulled my clothes from me, accidentally scratching me at one point; I didn’t care, it made it more interesting.

We started on the sofa but finished on the bed. He was impatient and didn’t last long; I knew he wouldn’t. I’d gotten used to it. Fucking drunk strangers meant five, maybe ten minutes of pleasure maximum; most of the time I didn’t even climax, but the act was enough in itself. He tried talking to me afterwards, but I was already getting dressed.

‘So, how long’ve you been in the US?’ His tanned, hairy chest was still rising and falling as he puffed out the words.

‘Almost fifteen years.’ I said, sliding my tights up over my calves.

‘That’s quite a while. Where’re you going?’

‘Home.’

‘Hell, you don’t hang around, huh?’

‘Can you go again?’ I turned around to look at him. The sheet was covering his crotch, he was stroking himself.

He hesitated and looked down. ‘If you suck it, I might.’

I contemplated it; I didn’t really want to go home so I agreed.

The night went on for some time, surprisingly. I ended up falling asleep there, which was usually against the rules, but we’d started so late, I justified it. By the time he gave up and passed out, I’d already noticed the sky had turned a lighter shade of blue.

I must have slept for a few hours. I woke before he did when a beam of sunlight penetrated the blinds and dazzled me. He was on his front, snoring; his back was as hairy as his chest. I wearily found my bag and pulled out my cigarettes. I made myself an espresso with the machine in the kitchen and made my way to the balcony. It was a perfect spring morning; it reminded me of London sometimes, the weather and smell of New York; the budding city trees battling with the thick clouds of pollution. I very quickly killed the thought.

I smoked and sipped my coffee for a short while, letting the burn soothe my sore throat. I was enjoying the view, and how quiet the city was from this height when it was all interrupted by a cellphone clanging in the room behind me, the Texan coughed and groggily answered.

‘H-hey- hey, good mornin’ baby, how are ya? I- I know, yeah… god, I miss you too…. Last night? Well- I went straight to bed as soon as I got here, didn’t I darlin'? Must’ve forgot to- yeah, you know me baby.’ He laughed, so brazenly that it churned my stomach.

I huffed loudly and stubbed my cigarette out, very quickly lighting another one.

‘It’s only another few days though, sweet thing… ye- yeah. I love you too, I love you. Bye, bye now.’

I heard him yawn gruffly, his footsteps approached the balcony.

‘You’re still here.’ He chuckled, leaning out of the door. I didn’t turn to look at him.

‘I sure am, sweet thing.’ My jaw was tense, so I rubbed it.

He chuckled again and took a seat opposite me. He was wearing boxer shorts but nothing else. He scratched his chest, leering at me.

‘Are you married then?’ I asked, after taking a long drag.

He screwed up his forehead. ‘Five years next month.’

‘Happily, I presume?’

‘Very much so.’

Dear god, he was being genuine. I _always_ forgot to tone down the sarcasm when talking to Americans. 

‘So, the extramarital sex is just a… bonus?’

He shrugged and lounged back in the wooden chair, spreading his long legs. ‘Different state, different rules.’

I nodded and exhaled smoke directly at him. ‘Does your wife fuck other men as well then?’

‘Not if she knew what was good for her.’

‘Charming.’ I lowered my arm.

‘Hey, you got one of those for me?’ He bent forward to try and take the cigarette from me, but I threw it onto the balcony floor.

He smirked. ‘You wanna ride the bul-’

‘Absolutely not.’ I said, standing up.

‘Oh, come on. Stop teasing.’ He grappled for me, but I'd already made my way into the room. I slipped my shoes on and collected my things before heading for the elevator.

‘Hey, you’re awful shy for a whore now, ain’t ya?’ He yelled after me, but I just carried on. I didn’t have the energy.

 

Once I got to the street, I text Scott.

_I’m gonna be a bit late this morning._

I waved for a taxi and rode it back to my apartment, massaging my neck. I got a text back from him before reached my door.

_You forgot you’re downtown for a shoot, didn’t you?_

_… no._

_Cute. Just get to Clifton studios by 9 please_

I had time for a quick shower; I let the water scold me. It was like a ritual. I inspected my body afterwards for the inescapable signs of the night before. I had a red rash on the inside of my thighs from where his beard had irritated my skin, two dark bruises on my breast and quite a deep scratch on my ribs from where he’d clawed at my bra. It could have been worse.

I dressed and left my apartment with my camera bag, I got into another taxi; the majority of my life seemed to be spent in taxis. By the time I’d pulled up outside the studios I already had a text from Sarah; I was wondering when she’d get in touch.

_So… how generous was the Texan? Did he fill you with that southern charm? Serve you plenty of brisket?_

_2/10._ I replied.

_2?! He was giving me at least 7/8 vibes. Very disappointing. Lunch today?_

_I’m on shoot all day, coffee tomorrow?_

_I’m already there._

I turned my phone off and sighed before heading into the studios. I couldn’t remember the brief for this one, I suppose I’d remember once I saw the model.

‘Ronnie Curtis.’ I told the check in desk while they scanned my bags and signed me in. I’d been to these studios before, they were small but prestigious, modern and up-and-coming. I was handed my pass and led to the studio I’d be in.

‘Your model is already here.’ The receptionist was blunt and walked several paces ahead of me.

‘Great.’

‘Its just you and her.’

That seemed odd to me. ‘What about lighting, hair, makeup…?’

‘That’s all I’ve been told.’ The woman replied shortly, opened a door and nodded me inside.

‘What time do we have the room until?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Great, well, thanks very much; you’ve been very informative.’ I said before she closed the door in my face.

I sighed again, it was becoming a bad habit.

‘ _Bonjour_.’ I heard a faint voice behind me and I turned.

‘ _Bonjour_.’ I replied flippantly. The woman who had spoken was sitting on a bearskin rug dressed in a thick, cotton robe. Her face was perfect, carved as though from marble, her blonde hair had already been messily styled and her natural makeup was flawless; she looked like she’d just woken up. I stepped towards her; why couldn’t I remember this shoot? ‘I’m Ronnie, Ronnie Curtis.’

She stood up and approached me so lightly, it as though she were at one with the air around us. ‘I am Audrey, Audrey Bordeaux. It is a pleasure.’ She _was_ actually French, I thought she’d been taking the piss. She kissed my cheek once and I felt a rush from the smell of her perfume, goosebumps creeping on my arms from the touch of her skin. ‘Ronnie, this is short for something?’

‘Yes, it’s short for… Ronit.’

‘Then, I would like to call you Ronit, if I may?’

‘You can call me whatever you want.’

She smiled, revealing her white pearly teeth. I knew then that the day would be a breeze. Sometimes you meet models and you just know.

‘Are you ready for today?’ She asked.

‘Ready as I’ll ever be.’ I lied, resting my camera down. ‘Why the closed set?’

Audrey laughed then. ‘You do not know? Then you are not ready.’

‘Ready for what?’

Audrey went over to her bag and pulled out a folder, she handed it to me. It was the concept for the shoot. Slightly embarrassed, I thanked her and flicked through it.

 _Audrey Bordeaux_ … _shoot for_ arT _magazine -_ Portraits of Origin _– nude-_

‘Ah.’ I paused.

‘There you are.’ Audrey was back on the rug, spreading her fingers and toes sensually over the fur.

‘We can take this… very slowly in that case.’ I said, feeling a clog in my throat. I’d done nude shoots before, but never… while I was in such a state of pining.

‘Of course.’

‘How are you feeling about it?’

‘I’m just glad they sent a woman.’

I nodded and placed the folder on the floor. ‘I’ll just get set up.’

I assembled the tripod, checked the camera batteries, the SD card and changed the settings. I checked the lights, the shoot through umbrellas, the backdrop and the props. I took a few test shots and then I triple checked the concept again. Audrey watched me curiously from the rug.

‘Okay,' I said, elbow deep in the prop box. 'So from what I can see... there’s a bit of wiggle room when it comes to their definition of ‘nude’.’

‘Mmhm.’

‘So, we can drape you in… I think this would work.’ I handed her a shimmering sheet of silk.

‘Delightful.’ She cooed, running it through her fingers.

‘Have you done this sort of thing before?’ I asked, making my way to change the lens from a 50mm to an 85mm; I needed a longer focus.

‘Once or twice.’ She was laying on her back now, her knees bent with her feet still planted on the fur.

‘How were they?’

‘Eurgh. The photographers were pigs; men! _Sacré bleu_. It is why I requested a woman this time.’

I laughed. ‘Well, I hope I don’t give women a bad name.’

‘I hope you will not, Ronit.’ She said flirtatiously. ‘But I don’t think you will.’

‘Oh, no?’

‘No, by now, the male photographers would have already upset me.’

‘Well, that’s good news.’ I smiled. ‘I’m all set, if you’re ready.’

She nodded and stood up, tentatively she removed her robe. I looked away while she folded it and placed it on the floor. Her body was as perfect as her face.

‘Let’s do a few with the silk first.’ I suggested, and she complied. She was a natural, the way she played with the camera, knowing what would look good and what wouldn’t. She held the material over her chest, her nipples showed through the thin sheen of silk. She had no pubic hair at all, I wondered if that was intentional and tried to think about the concept wording.

‘So, this is for _arT_?’

‘Mm.’ Audrey said, laying on her front, she had already discarded the material.

‘ _Portraits of Origin_ … then?’

‘It’s all about the origin of physical form.’ Audrey replied, sitting up and stretching her legs out so that her calf muscles tensed.

‘It sounds fascinating. Bring your left leg just over your right, please.’ I was looking through the viewfinder, I’d taken the camera off the tripod and was moving all over but still keeping my distance; she was a perfect, photogenic subject.

‘We can learn a lot from acknowledging the physical, _non_?’

‘What do you mean?’ I snapped the shutter several times. ‘Could you kneel, just for a second?’

‘Of course. I mean that the root of our spiritual and mental existence is always driven by physical desires.’

‘I… suppose so.’ She moved her arms naturally into the position I was just about to ask for.

‘We are simple beasts, as much as we try to delude ourselves.’

‘So, in that case, do you think love is a physical desire and nothing more?’ I asked her, pausing from taking photos. I looked at her over the camera; I noticed the muscle definition on her otherwise smooth abdomen.

‘I believe love is non-physical at its core, it’s a spiritual connection. But it’s still dependent on physical _non_? What is love without a dizzy head, a fast heart, a desire for intimacy, the need to physically protect? Everything is physical.’

‘I see. Could I get you to stare to the ceiling for a moment?’ She did as I asked. ‘So, do you think you can love someone without the physical aspect?’

She was still looking up, her long throat extended when she answered. ‘Of course, but that is the root of all pain _non_? Isn’t that the reason for every love song, every war, every stab to the heart at some point or another? Wanting… craving something we cannot have? We tear each other apart for it.’

‘I suppose so.’ I said again; she really was fascinating.

‘The body is all we have to explore this world, it’s …everything, and when it’s not indulged – we become dangerous.’

‘Was this all in the concept?’ I joked, and it made her giggle.

‘Yes, you must not have read it properly.’ Her cheekbones rose even higher when she grinned.

‘Let’s take a few of you smiling.’ I suggested.

‘Oh, no. It’s a very serious article, Ronit.’

‘I’ll let you have them afterwards then. They don’t have to go to the magazine. They can be yours.’

She stared up at me. ‘Then, of course.’

I took lots more of her smiling, touching her face and neck playfully. She started to have fun and brought the silk back and wrapped herself in it.

We came to a natural end towards the early evening. She was dressed in her comfortable robe again, looking over the photos with me as we both sat on the rug. She was sitting so close to me, a few times I felt her chest press against my arm and I had to shift away slightly.

It wasn’t that I felt an urge for her in particular, but I was in a bit of a state recently – a state of missing women. It was so different with men; where men were fast, uninhibited and dispassionate, sex with a woman was the complete opposite. It was an utter dilemma because while I yearned for a woman, at the same time, I couldn’t bear it.

I had tried sleeping with women, when I first arrived in New York, that was all I went for. But god, it was hard. That chokehold of emotion I felt when I felt soft skin and lips against my own, the smell of a woman’s neck, the feel of my fingers in their hair, the warm, enticing wetness between their legs…

I found women in college, at work, in bars… but after the first few times, I had to avoid it altogether. It made me feel sick and just… took me back. Back to a place I didn’t want to return to, the pain was that great.

So, I started sleeping with men. They offered everything a woman didn’t, and it started to make me feel better, I started to forget and I lived my life, I enjoyed my life. But then, it became an odd addiction, a vice. An enjoyable yet desperate release from something that was growing deeper inside me.

‘We should see each other again.’ Audrey said, as I was packing up. ‘I have enjoyed this.’

‘Yes, definitely.’

‘I am all over the place, but when I’m back in New York, I’ll get in touch?’

Somehow, I knew she meant it; they weren’t just empty words. ‘That sounds great.’

‘It was a pleasure, Ronit.’ She kissed my cheeks again, both cheeks this time, and then left, still dressed in her robe.

I finished packing up and left. Hauling myself into another taxi. I stopped off at a bar on my way home, and met with Paul, Viv and Terrence, loose acquaintances I had kept in touch with from a landscape photography club I’d joined a few years ago. I had the opportunity to go to another man’s hotel room; he was insistent, but I decided against it that night. I was thinking about Audrey, love, women.

So, I went home alone, and fell asleep.

For the first time in many, many years, I dreamt of the white grass field. I dreamt of young, bare legs touching in the sunshine. I dreamt of Esti.


	28. The Coffee

Ronit had to leave for Berlin on Saturday afternoon.

‘It was the latest I could possibly leave it.’ She said, stroking my hair as we laid in bed that morning. ’And I’ll be back on Wednesday.’

‘That’s not too bad.’ I said, though my heart was still aching. ‘I’m going to miss you.’

‘Well, there’s no point in moping.’ She ran her fingers over my head. ‘You know how I hate moping.’

‘I’m not moping...’ I said. ‘I’m brooding.’

She laughed. ‘That’s fine then.’ She sighed and stretched out, her beautiful feet poked out of the duvet. ‘I should get up, I haven’t even packed yet.’

I watched her pack her suitcase for a while, throwing clothes and makeup in haphazardly, until Daniel tottered into our room. We sat on the bed together and he asked where Ronit was going, if she’d bring him back more toy soldiers and if he could have chocolate for breakfast.

We all had jam on toast and tried to ignore the time.

‘What will you both do today?’ Ronit asked, wiping Daniel’s chin with her thumb.

‘I think we’ll have a relaxing one, won’t we darling?’ I stroked Daniel’s hair. ‘Dovid called yesterday and asked if he could take Daniel for the night.’

‘Oh, will you be okay?’

I nodded. ‘There’s that… stupid work Christmas party tonight. I don’t even know why they’re bothering. It’s at that awful social club.’

‘I _love_ that place.’

‘Stop it.’ I laughed and handed her a baby wipe to get the insane amount of jam off of Daniel’s chin.

‘What? I do. It’s amazing, it’s like being at the Ritz.’

‘I don’t think I’ll go.’

‘No?’

I shook my head.

As much as we tried to evade the time, soon enough Ronit was ordering herself a taxi.

‘Do you get tired?’ I asked her, when she was putting her coat on.

‘Tired?’

‘Travelling, all the time.’

‘I’ve travelled a lot more than this darling. But, it is irritating. I suppose… it used to be easier.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I didn’t have a f- I didn’t have to leave anyone.’ She was zipping up her suitcase. ‘But it’s only four and a half days.’

‘Were you going to say ‘family’?’ I asked, watching her closely.

Her lips curved into a smile, she looked at her feet, almost embarrassed. ‘Well,’ she started to say. ‘As a matter of fact, yes, I was.’

I didn’t say anything back, I was speechless. But I returned the same smile and stroked her arm.

‘Where you going?’ Daniel asked Ronit, for the third or fourth time that morning.

‘I am going to Germany, sir.’ She picked him up and kissed his cheek. ‘Can you say that? Ger-man-y?’

‘Germ-ny.’

‘That’s it. Well done!’ She bounced him in her arms.

‘Why you going?’

‘Ugh, I have to earn lots of money because your mother has an addiction to _Tiffany’s_.’

Daniel looked confused, but I couldn’t help but simper and reach out for her hand. We had another goodbye, but it was surprisingly not as bad as I was expecting; it definitely wasn’t as bad as the first one. We kissed deeply on the main doorstep for a few minutes until her taxi beeped her. When she pulled away, her mouth remained open, her bottom lip pouting in the way it did when she was aroused; I knew it well now.

‘Hm.’ She cleared her throat and waved at the taxi. ‘I’ll miss you.’ She said, staring at my mouth.

‘Don’t mope now.’ I said, touching the tip of her nose.

‘I’m not moping. I’m… brooding.’ She smiled and kissed me a final time before leaving. Daniel and I waved her off. I didn’t cry.

 

‘What shall we do then, Daniel?’ I asked, when we returned to the flat.

‘I’m not going to nursery.’ He said, very matter-of-factly.

‘You don’t have to baby, it’s Saturday.’

‘Good.’

We ended up watching cartoons for a while, then I decided because the weather was fairly mild that we could take a walk. We lived in such a beautiful area now, thanks to Ronit, it seemed a shame to waste the opportunity. We got dressed; I still wrapped Daniel up in several layers. I was just putting his hands into his mittens when the doorbell rang out. For a minute, I was exhilarated because I thought Ronit had come back, but I reasoned with myself.

I buzzed the front door and waited on the landing.

‘ _Bonjour_!’ I recognised the voice immediately.

‘Audrey?’

‘ _Oui oui_!’ She was ascending the steps, dressed in an outfit similar to the one she’d worn the night before. Her coat was wrapped around her and her face was red; she wasn’t wearing much make up, but she was still intensely beautiful.

‘Did you…’ I looked at the coat rack. ‘Leave something here last night?’

‘ _Non non, ma petite_ Esti.’ She was giggling when she reached the top step. She leaned in and we kissed cheeks. She brought the smell of the cold with her.

‘Ronit isn’t here, she just left for-’

‘Berlin, I know, she mentioned last night. European film awards, _non_? _Mon poulet_ , Daniel. How are you? You look so snug!’ She turned back to me. ‘I didn’t come to see Ronit, _ma_ _chérie_ , I came to see you.’

‘Oh,’ I was oddly flattered.

‘It looks like you are headed out.’ She touched my arm, her fingers lightly pressing into the fabric of my coat. I didn’t mind it; it didn’t feel like when Beth touched me unnecessarily. Audrey’s touch was so innocent, wholesome almost.

‘We were… just going to go for a walk.’

‘A walk sounds delightful. Do you mind if I join you?’

‘N-no, of course not.’

‘ _Magnifique_! Let us walk.’

We naturally headed towards Portobello Road, and found ourselves strolling through Lansdowne Road, appreciating the architecture and cobbled streets. Audrey was smoking and creating polite conversation and speaking with Daniel most of the way.

‘I didn’t expect to see you so soon.’ I admitted, when we rounded onto Westbourne Park Road.

‘That is good news.’ She said. ‘I like being unpredictable.’

I noticed that she earned a lot of attention as we walked, not just from men either. But she was tall and blonde and gorgeous, so it didn’t surprise me.

‘I’m surprised you’re not at the film awards.’

‘No, no, no, Esti. Actors? Tch tch. Oh, did you want a coffee?’ She had stopped outside of a cosy, independent health café; I got the impression she wanted to go inside, so I agreed.

It smelt like freshly baked bread and coffee inside, a subtle trace of cinnamon or nutmeg tingled my nostrils. A friendly waitress took our order; Audrey ordered a double espresso and I ordered a tea and a juice for Daniel.

‘What makes actors so bad, then?’ I enquired. She had this way of impelling you to ask more about whatever she said. Everything she said intrigued me; it could have been the simplest statement and I’d want to dig deeper, to find out why she said it.

‘Oh, their egos are unendurable.’ She dropped three brown sugars into her espresso cup and stirred it slowly, she sucked the spoon afterwards. ‘They’re also too good at lying.’

‘Have you… been with actors then?’

She was facing down, but she looked up at me demurely. ‘A few.’

‘Anyone I’d know?’

‘Oh, I couldn’t say.’ She sipped her coffee and licked her lips. ‘I will say though, they are normally fantastic lovers; incredibly passionate.’

I tried to hide the fact that I was taken aback, I looked at Daniel who was playing with his gladiator.

‘I had a wonderful time last night, Esti.’ Audrey continued, her eyes found something outside that she focussed on. She followed it quite quickly, it could have been a cyclist or a bus. ‘You and Ronit and Daniel, it was a very loving environment. You have a charming home, also.’

‘Oh, that’s all Ronit’s influence.’

‘Well,’ she took another sip. ‘ _You_ are Ronit’s influence, so does that not make it your influence also?’

I didn’t respond, I didn’t know what to say. ‘You… ah- said something last night…’

‘I did. How rude of me to cut off a story halfway. Awful behaviour on my part.’

‘No, no, not at all.’

‘I do not do that normally, you understand? I was so drunk on good wine and better company.’

I paused. ‘You said Ronit was…’

‘Unhappy?’

I nodded, I tried to drink my tea, but it was still too hot.

‘She w-’ Audrey started.

‘Mummy, I’m bored.’ Daniel huffed, and slumped his arms across his chest.

‘Daniel,’ I rebuked him lightly.

‘Oh no,’ Audrey cried. ‘You are not bored, _mon chou_? Surely?’

He looked slightly more pleased to be receiving attention.

‘We can go somewhere more fun, _non_?’ Audrey suggested, looking to me for a decision.

‘No, we don’t have t-’

‘I do not mind. I do not want him to suffer on my account.’ Her fingers were spread out on the table, her eyes flitted between me and Daniel.

‘Here, Daniel.’ I pulled my phone from my pocket and unlocked it, I brought up the farm game he loved. He yelped and grabbed for it, but I pulled it back. ‘Ah ah.’

‘Please.’ He said, holding his hands out.

‘Good boy.’ I passed it to him and his eyes sunk into it. He started tapping the screen and giggling.

‘ _Très adorable_. I never thought I’d want children you see, but he is just… may I ask? It might be too personal, I do not know. How did you… this is hard to say in English.’

I waited for her, her face was scrunched up thinking.

‘How did you get him… to be like both of you?' She pointed her finger between me and Daniel. 'Is it… designer baby? Is that the right word?’

I laughed then. ‘He’s… Ronit’s cousin is his father.’

‘Ronit’s cousin?’

‘Mm.’

She licked her lips again; her brow was still creased. ‘I see. So, he is… not Ronit’s?’

‘Not… biologically. I suppose.’

‘But she is on the…’ she was gesticulating. ‘Ahh… _acte de naissance_? The birth...’

‘Birth certificate?’

‘Birth certificate! Yes! She is on this?’

‘N-no, she isn’t.’

‘Ah.’

I almost asked ‘Do you think she should be?’, but I realised that might be quite a loaded question for someone I’d only met twice before.

‘She clearly loves him like a mother, you see. I entirely thought she was…’ She threw her head back and laughed. ‘I am so foolish.’

‘No, you’re not. You’re not at all. It’s a strange… She is like… that. She… looks after us both.’

‘That is so funny.’

‘Why?’

‘It just leads so perfectly on from the story I rudely forgot to finish.’

I swallowed some tea, staring at Audrey. I thought she’d forgotten, so again, I was excited.

‘I met Ronit, for the first time… oh, four, five years ago?’

‘That long?’

‘Mm… longer than I care to admit, to be honest with you, _belle_.’

‘What was she like?’ I asked, sounding like a doting schoolgirl, which… when it came to Ronit I think I always would be.

‘She was distracted.’

‘Distracted?’

‘Mm. And the second, third time I met with her, she was… destructive may be too harsh a word.’

‘Oh.’

‘So, after several more times, I noticed this… pattern. Which is when I finally held her, physically held her by the shoulders.’ She gesticulated the gripping of Ronit. ‘She’d been on something…’ she glanced at Daniel. ‘Very naughty. And I felt so awful for her, that I asked her, what she was looking for.’

‘And what did she say?’

‘She told me… that she was looking for a family.’ She paused and took a long breath. ‘And I said, ‘ _Ma_ _chérie,_ Ronit! We all have a family, they may not be blood, but I am your family. These friends around us are your family. Every man you go home with could be your family if you wish it!’. But she…’

I felt myself reddening.

‘She said something about losing her family once before. And how she desired this… closeness, but that it was a paradox for her.’

‘Why a paradox?’

‘That, _mon amour_ , I cannot answer.’ Audrey shrugged. ‘Perhaps she thought she was not worthy of whatever it was she wanted. Or that she didn’t truly want it because she feared losing it or throwing it away again. But do you know something?’

‘What?’

‘Seeing her… with you and Daniel last night… I know she has found it. I just know. She’s so calm, so stable; her energy has transformed. She is…’

‘Happy?’

‘Yes. Without a doubt.’

‘But…’ I felt so invested in this conversation. I had to stop myself and check on Daniel, he was still gorging on the digital farm animals.

‘What is it?’

‘Recently…’ I paused and looked down. ‘She went on a bit of a…’ Audrey was staring at me. ‘She… took some…’

‘Drugs?’ Audrey mouthed the word.

I nodded. ‘And she put herself into a bit of a state.’

‘Odd.’ Audrey was frowning. ‘Whilst she was with you?’

‘Yes.’

‘Very... odd. That doesn’t make sense at all.’ She looked genuinely clueless.

‘She was upset, I think. Well… I know she was upset.’

‘Why?’

‘I… work with someone I used to be with. We were-’

‘Lovers?’ Audrey said the word quietly, maybe she’d picked up on my anxiety.

‘A… I suppose, yes. She- we work together now. And I invited her over, while Ronit was in Naples, and Ronit found out.’

‘You invited your ex-lover to the house you share with Ronit?’ Audrey was smiling, but she looked confused. ‘Esti, you do not seem the type at all.’

‘No, it was nothing- nothing like that. It was after a funeral, and she was really upset, and she didn’t want to be alone.’

‘Ex-lovers often do not want to be alone when they can be with you, _non_?’

I bit the inside of my cheek.

‘So, Ronit found out? You told her, I imagine?’

‘I was going to, I was literally just about to - but then Beth made a bit of a song and dance about being there and Ronit overheard her-’

‘You did not even tell her? My, my Esti…’ She leant back in her chair, crossing her long legs.

‘No, really. It all sounds a lot worse than…’ I trailed off… did it sound worse?

‘And after that… Ronit… had her ‘bender’, as you say?’

‘Mm.’ My tea was going cold, Daniel was happily chirping away next to me.

‘That makes… more sense.’ Audrey was slowly nodding, her hand had found her chin and was resting on it.

‘We had a fight about it.’ I mumbled.

‘I am not entirely surprised.’ Her eyebrows raised, she wasn't looking around anymore. She was staring directly at me.

‘And it’s not the first… altercation we’ve had about her.’

Audrey leant forward then. It was strange seeing her so invested in me and what I had to say. ‘What else happened?’

‘She… well... Ronit found out that Beth had proposed to me.’

‘ _Mon_ _Dieu_.’

I paused. ‘Do you think, when she went a bit mad that… she… do you think she… would have thrown it away, if her friends hadn’t saved her?’

‘ _Ma_ _chérie,_ if she had, it sounds like it would have been a united effort.’

‘No. No, I didn’t…’

‘I would watch this one, Esti. Beth? I do not like the taste of her name in my mouth at all.’

‘She’s… harmless.’

‘Is she?’ Audrey was playing with the spoon on the table, making it click against the wood. ‘If she has already pushed you to this? Pushed Ronit to this? Should she not be taken more seriously?’

‘But I’ve never… I’ve never felt… I don’t think I ever loved her.’ I whispered. ‘I’ve always… it’s always been Ronit.’

Audrey waited, contemplating. She looked like she was mulling over everything in her head, juggling it all. ‘But this Beth? She will never accept this?’

‘She has to.’

‘Does she?’

‘Well, yes.’

‘Because, if I were her _ma_ _chérie_ , I would think… wonderful! The woman I once proposed to has invited me to her house while her partner is away. Perhaps she still has feelings for me? We work together, we see each other every day. Perhaps I can bring her back to me? Perhaps I can make her love me again?’

‘But she never will.’

‘She doesn’t know that.’

I went to speak but I pulled myself back.

‘It sounds to me like she must be told, unless you have done so already?’

‘N-no, I haven’t… not explicitly.’ My tea looked grey and cold now.

‘I would do that. Sooner, rather than later.’ Audrey pulled her cigarette tin from her pocket and played with it. ‘Feelings, especially when it comes to love and heartbreak, cannot be grey, Esti. It must be black and white. Do you see?’

I nodded. And we were silent for a few minutes. I listened to the sounds around me; steam shooting out of the coffee machine, the barista hitting coffee grounds into the bin, Daniel happily making animal noises. 

‘Well, I have several hours until I have to be gone again.' Audrey left a £50 note on our table and stood up. 'Come with me? Perhaps we can find brunch, or somewhere for Daniel to play?’

‘Play?’ Daniel’s head snapped up.

‘Would you like that, handsome?’ She asked.

He nodded and looked at me, grinning. His eyes really were astoundingly similar to Ronit’s.

Just as we were leaving the café, it started to drizzle, and I got a text from Ronit.

_Hello beautiful, I’m at the airport now. I sprayed myself with your perfume today, it was a bad choice. I miss you xxx_

I text her back immediately.

_I miss you too, sweetheart. I don’t think I’ve told you before, but I sleep on your side of the bed when you’re away. Xxx_

_God we’re soppy x_

‘Is that Ronit?’ Audrey asked, an unlit cigarette sitting in the corner of her mouth.

‘Y-yes.’

‘You were smiling like a dope.’ She said, chuckling lightly. ‘Where shall we go then? I must admit, I do not know London half as well as I should.’

‘There’s a lovely park, up the road. Or a restaurant, that Daniel loves near Oxford Street.’

‘Oxford Street. That sounds like a good plan.’

So we went off together, sharing Audrey’s last few hours in London before she flew to Argentina. Her words had definitely resonated, and I decided that I had to clear the air properly with Beth. And Audrey was right, it needed to be sooner rather than later.


	29. 2016 Pt. 4

It was one evening, much like all the others that Beth was round, that she spontaneously suggested we live together. We were lying in bed watching a wildlife documentary when she brought it up.

‘It’s not a _bad_ idea, is it?’ She was asking, whilst nervously intertwining her own fingers.

‘I suppose not.’

‘I mean, I’m here most nights anyway.’

‘Mmm.’ I agreed noncommittedly; trying hard to concentrate on a herd of wildebeest crossing a river.

‘We’ll save money. We could go on holiday.’

‘That would be nice.’

‘Are you okay?’

‘Hm?’

‘Are you okay? You seem quiet.’

‘No, no. I’m fine.’ I shuffled further under the covers and turned onto my side. ‘I’m just tired.’

I wasn’t tired. But I also wasn’t fine. I felt trapped. I had envisioned my life after leaving Dovid following a path where I could be happy. Where one day I’d find Ronit, or at least someone else that made me feel how Ronit did. But again, I had fallen deeply into a crevasse, sinking into something I didn’t really want. Conforming and submitting to whatever someone else wanted, for the reprieve of loneliness, to avoid the overwhelming fear of becoming unstable again.

Beth leaned over me, she kissed and bit my bottom lip which I didn’t enjoy, but never mentioned. Her fingers trailed down, until they reached in between my legs. I held her wrist.

‘I’m so tired, Beth.’

‘You’ve said that almost every night this week.’ Beth continued to stroke me, regardless. ‘You’re quite pale. Do you think you need more iron?’

‘Maybe.’

She kissed me. I didn’t think of Ronit anymore when she did that. Because now I’d become so aware of their differences, I could never imagine Ronit’s mouth being half as jarring as Beth’s was.

‘I miss how you taste.’ She said, and I cringed but I rolled over and kissed her back, letting my tongue play with hers.

I made the stupid mistake of faking an orgasm the first time with her, so she continued to do exactly what she’d done then; that was my fault. You might think that faking one or two wouldn’t hurt, but once you start it’s hard to stop, and then you begin to convince yourself that maybe you are climaxing but in reality, you know you’re not.

 In fairness to her, towards the end of our relationship she was starting to make me come more consistently, after I specifically asked her to steady her tongue, and to hold her fingers inside me instead of thrusting. Having to spell it out was wearisome in the beginning but she had started to adapt to it, and after a while I did start to enjoy it.

I always made her come; I don’t mean it in a boastful way, it was just something I could do. It made me feel less guilty when I did that, like I was giving her something back, a reward for the pain I was going to cause her one day, because I knew I could never give her my heart. Annoyingly, she made a habit of pointing it out every time.

‘I came, like,’ She was panting one evening, her arms splayed out either side of her. ‘Five times. I ca- can’t believe you’ve only- been with one other girl.’

The sex did improve. But my favourite times with Beth were when she cooked, when she held me at night, and in the mornings. When she was quiet or concentrating on something. Whenever I saw her teach and interacting with students. In those times I genuinely thought, perhaps I could be with her. They were all redeeming features that made her likeable. But nothing made her Ronit. And I knew we wouldn’t last forever.

 

She continued to try and wheedle information from me about Ronit. I’d only parted with her name up to that point. She’d been very open one night about her own past, in an attempt to convince me.

‘I lost my virginity when I was 15.’ She told me, looking at my face to gauge a reaction. ‘Do you think that’s too young?’

‘No,’ I said.

‘How old were you?’

‘14.’

‘With Ronit?’

I nodded.

‘I wish I’d lost my virginity to a girl.’

I don’t know why, but it was irritating that she kept referring to Ronit as a ‘girl’; it felt like she was minimising her. I’m sure she wasn’t. Beth did a lot of things unintentionally that irritated me.

‘And I’m assuming she didn’t ditch you afterwards, like Tara did with me?’ Our fingers were linked in front of us.

‘No.’ I tried to bite my tongue, but I couldn’t. I hadn’t talked about her with anyone, ever before. ‘Not immediately.’

‘Ah.’ She nodded. ‘When did she?’

‘After a few years.’ Talking about it was like scraping decay from inside me; something putrid and mouldy that had been rotting in my veins.

‘That must have hurt more.’

‘It did. It hurt a lot.’

‘When did you stop loving her?’

I paused, I felt my eyes shift and I was glad the bedroom was dark. ‘I… don’t know.’

‘I got over Tara quickly.’ She yawned. ‘Do you still see Ronit around? Is she in London?’

‘No. She- went to New York.’

‘New York? Shit, she really did want to get away. And you haven’t seen her since?’

‘I saw her… last year.’

‘Oh.’

‘She came back to London, because her father died.’

‘Right. And…?’

‘What?’

‘Did anything happen?’

I didn’t respond; I was thinking about the hotel on Regent Street. I was thinking about her lips on mine, her come on my fingers, her saliva in my mouth, the intense orgasms she’d given me… the fact she was still able to do that after so many years.

‘What happened?’ Beth’s voice yanked me back.

‘She went… home to New York.’

‘She left you again?’

My throat itched and felt a bit constricted. ‘She had to.’

‘Why?’

‘She just had to.’

‘Sounds a bit harsh. She could have at least offered you a holiday.’ She was laughing but I wasn’t.

I thought of Ronit sitting next to me at the _hesped_. The familiar memory of her voice washed over me.

_Why don’t you come to New York? Why don’t you just come to New York and be with me?_

‘It’s complicated.’ I said, closing my eyes.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she didn’t whisk you away, because then we wouldn’t have met.’ Her fingers unlocked with mine and she moved my nightshirt to touch my stomach.

‘I wanted to go with her.’ My hushed voice broke as I said it, the truth I’d been keeping to myself. I don’t think Beth was listening; she was kissing my shoulder.

‘I’d,’ she kissed my neck. ‘Never.’ She kissed my jaw. ‘Leave you Esti.’ Her lips fell to mine and I allowed her in, her middle fingers pressed softly against the centre of my underwear.

Occasionally I would feel a rush when Beth touched me, and this was one of those occasions. She was gentle in her strokes and relaxed in movement. That was the first night she gave me an orgasm.

 

It wasn’t very long after she’d moved in that she proposed. It was dreadful, and I hated remembering it.

She’d made dinner that night, a chicken dish; garlic and rosemary _poussin._ It was delicious, and I was stuffed afterwards. I had just put Daniel to bed; Beth never showed an interest in anything like that. She never asked to do anything with him; she never wanted to hold him, entertain him, feed him. Not that I expected it, but the most regular occurrence was her asking when I was putting him to bed, especially if he started getting ratty or if he was squawking.

 I’d spent longer with him that night, letting his tiny hand grip my finger while he slept, listening to his small little breaths. When I opened the door to the living room, I wished I’d stayed in there.

Beth was on one knee presenting a small blue box to me, in her flat palm. I knew immediately what was happening, my ears went hot and the meal churned in my gut.

‘Esti,’ she was smiling. I can’t imagine what my face must have looked like. ‘I’ve been thinking a lot, about us. And I think you… you need a real commitment, you need me to tell you that I’ll be here forever. And that’s what I want too, more than anything.’ Her words sparked fear in my entire body, I started to feel like I was hovering, watching myself from above. ‘I want you to know that I’ll never leave you. So,’ she started giggling. ‘What I’m trying to say is… will you marry me?’

‘Beth,’ I sighed with a slight tremble.

‘I know it’s fast, I know it is. But I’ve never… felt more certain about anything in my life.’

‘Beth,’ The words were shaking out of me. ‘Stand up, please.’

Her smile faltered a bit and she hurried to her feet.

‘Beth, I can’t- I can’t marry you.’

‘It’s too soon isn’t it? Fuck, I know, I’m sorry. I forget you’ve been married before and ah-’

‘That has nothing to do with it.’ I said firmly. ‘I can’t marry you… I just can’t… marry you… ever. I’m sorry.’

She frowned. ‘Okay, don’t- don’t look so scared. I’m sorry, I rushed it, I’m sorry.’ She leaned in to hug me, but I pulled away.

‘I don’t… think we should be together Beth.’

She gave a nervous laugh. ‘Are you… joking?’

‘No.’ I shook my head.

‘Esti, I’m sorry, I am. I shouldn’t have- I shouldn’t have done this.’ She held up the ring box up and threw it onto the sofa, laughing. ‘Don’t- it’s nothing- it was stupid. I thought it’s what you wanted, what you needed.’

‘No, I don’t… I don’t want or need it.’

‘Well okay, let’s pretend it never happened.’ Her eyes were wide, and she she was bobbing her head. ‘There’s a programme on BBC2 about monkeys in the-’

‘Beth.’

‘What?’

‘I’m trying to tell you somethin-’

‘No, you can’t.’

‘I can’t?’

‘No. We’re happy, I just ruined it… a bit. But we’re happy, and we live together. I just told my mum about us moving in and-’

I shook my head. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘There’s nothing to be sorry about, because nothing’s happening.’

‘Beth, you can’t just ignore me… you can’t ignore that I’m leaving yo-’

‘No.’ Her upper body shuddered. ‘You’re not. You can’t. I just- I just gave up my flat. We don’t have to get married- it was stupid.’

‘It’s not just about marriage.’ I said, feeling emotional.

‘It’s… what then?’

‘I’ve been incredibly unfair to you.’

‘Esti-’

‘I wish I was in love with you, Beth. I really wish I was, it would make everything so much easier. Because you’re a good person, you’re kind and generous and sweet and you’re beautiful and you deserve so much better than this, and what I’ve… done. You don’t need that. I- I really tried, but I can’t do this anymore.’

I forced myself to retain eye contact with her. Her mouth was closed, and her eyes were narrowing.

‘Is there someone else?’ She asked, I heard despair in her voice.

‘No… not really.’ I cursed myself. I didn’t need to say the last two words at all. Why did I say that?

‘Not really? There is or there isn’t.’

‘There isn’t. There isn’t anyone.’

‘I don’t believe you.’

‘It’s nothing Bet-’

‘No, fuck that. There is someone. Who is it?’

‘Please don’t get angry.’

‘I’ve got every right to get angry.’ Her fists were balling by her sides.

That was true enough, I allowed her it and nodded.

‘Who is it?’

‘No one.’

‘Your ex-husband?’

‘No.’

‘Someone at school?’

‘No, Beth this is-’

‘Ronit?’ I think she said it as a joke, because she jeered when she said her name, but I still faltered.

‘I-’

I saw her mouth fall and her face contorted, as though someone had poured vinegar onto her tongue. ‘Ronit? Really? Fucking Ronit?’ She looked incredulous.

‘Beth, really it’s nothing to do with Ron-’

‘She… left you Esti. Twice! Two times.’ She held two fingers up. ‘Why are you so… fuck- I’m so stupid.’

‘You’re not stupid.’

‘No, I am. I saw… every time we talked about her you’d get this weird quiet voice on, your back got all up and you crossed your arms and I just assumed- Jesus, fuck - do you know how fucking stupid you soun-’

‘All right Beth.’ I felt my tongue sharpening behind my tense jaw.

‘No. I’m sorry but no. You _cannot_ leave me for someone who left you behind, when you were fucking teenagers. Esti, you’ve _got_ to move on. For fucks sake.’

I was quiet while she simmered. ‘You can stay here, for as long as you need to.’

‘Oh,’ she laughed and sat onto the sofa roughly. ‘Thanks.’

‘I am sorry.’

‘You’re actually leaving me to…? To do what? Are you gonna go to New York?’

‘No, I-’

‘A pair of star-crossed lovers? Is that what you think this is?’ She was laughing maniacally. ‘This is real life, Esti. If she wanted you, do you really think she’d move 4000 miles away from you?’

‘Beth, I know you’re upset but keep your voice dow-’

‘I can’t, I just can’t believe this.’ Her head was in her hands. ‘You’re living in a fantasy world with this… this complete dickhead who-’

Her words made something flare up inside me, like I was suddenly made of fire. ‘Don’t…’

‘Don’t what? She’s ruined you.’ She held her hands up, exasperated. ‘All these years and you’re still acting like a stupid teenag-’

‘You know, for someone who over-analyses everything, you’ve been pretty poor at picking up on _everything_ wrong with this relationship.’

‘Nothing is wrong with this relationship!’ She stood up; our faces were close. ‘You’re trying to break it all over some… fucking hundred-year-old crush!’

‘It’s not a crush!’

‘If you tell me you love her, I swear. Esti, you can’t love someone that… you can’t-’

‘Beth,’ I tried to acknowledge the anxiety I sensed fizzing in my hands and feet. ‘This isn’t about Ronit. This is about us.’

She was shaking her head. ‘I’d never leave you Esti.’ She grabbed my wrist. ‘I’m so in love with you.’

‘I’m- I’m not… Beth.’

She took an extended breath, I saw her chest rise and deflate slowly. She hurtled at me and kissed me, holding my face against hers but I fought her off and pushed her away. I saw tears staining her cheeks.

‘Please, don’t do this to me.’

‘You can sleep in the bed, I will take the sofa.’

‘No, no, no.’ She repeated the words over and over, each one sounding more and more broken.

The rest of the night was crippling. I sobbed into my pillows after Beth demanded she sleep on the sofa instead. Around 2 or 3am, I heard the door open and she climbed into the bed behind me. I could hear that she had a blocked nose from crying, she snuffled into my hair.

‘Please, Esti.’

‘Beth.’

‘Please.’

‘You’re making it harder.’ I whispered, blinking away my own sore, tired eyes. She fell asleep with her hand on me, I slept too. But in the morning when I woke up, she was gone.

She didn’t return to school for a few days and she didn’t come back to the flat at all in that time. When I finally saw her in the playground on the Thursday, she told me she’d been with a friend, and that she wanted to collect her things from the flat when I wasn’t there. I agreed to everything. I told her I cared about her, but she scoffed at me. I couldn’t blame her, I didn’t deserve any kindness.

One day after school I got back to the flat, and all of her things were gone; her key sat alone on the kitchen counter. I cried much more that night. Partly from sadness, partly from guilt, but mostly from relief. I told myself I wouldn’t let it happen again. I wouldn’t submit to any feelings of obligation or obedience against my better judgement. I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I wouldn’t hurt myself.

From that point onwards, it was just the two of us; Daniel and me.

And Ronit, if she came back for us. 

 


	30. The Confrontation

Audrey gave me her number that afternoon, after she’d walked Daniel and I back to the flat.

‘Keep in touch, _ma chérie_ , won’t you?’

‘Yes, of course.’ We kissed cheeks. ‘When are you back in London?’

‘Ach, I do not know. Perhaps after New Year’s now? I am in Buenos Aires and Santiago for work, and then I am taking a break in Cancún.’ She moaned loudly. ‘Ugh, _vacances_. I cannot wait.’

‘Do you… have a love there?’ I asked her quite boldly, she had encouraged a confidence in me. There was something seamless about the way I could communicate with her. I’d only ever had that with Ronit.

She closed her eyes and sighed dreamily, leaning against the doorframe. ‘Mmm. Marco. My tall, dark beau. _Mi alma,_ my soul. Have you ever made love in a hot country, Esti?’ Her eyes trailed off again and she didn’t pause long enough for me to answer, which I was relieved about. ‘There is something so much more… urgent about it.’

‘I can imagine.’ I said, as I felt a slight warmth on my forehead.

She moaned again. ‘I cannot wait. Oh, Daniel, ooh,’ she made a shrill noise as she bent down to be level with him. ‘ _Mon bébé_ , be good for your mothers, _oui_?’

Daniel just grinned at her, despite his age I think he was just as absorbed by Audrey’s presence as the rest of the world. She touched his cheek and clucked her tongue.

‘Such a beautiful family.’ She kissed me again. ‘Remember, Esti, black and white.’

‘No grey.’ I replied, and she responded with a gentle bow of her head.

‘ _Au revoir_ , darlings.’ She left, leaving a haze of smoke and perfume behind her.

 

The rest of the afternoon passed quite quietly. Neither of us ate until the evening because Audrey had generously paid for a huge lunch for us both. I texted Ronit throughout the day, when she had time to.

_It’s absolutely fucking freezing here. I have to go and find out where I’ll be standing for the night. Hopefully next to a heater or I’ll have to set myself on fire._

_Please wrap up warm, won’t you? Can I call you after Dovid picks Daniel up? Xx_

_I’d love that x_

 We had a few hours before Dovid was due, so Daniel and I went to the library on the corner and we picked out a few books and took them home. He’d picked up a book about a newborn baby bird searching for his mother; we sat on the sofa together as I read it to him.

‘ _The egg jumped. It jumped and jumped and jumped._ ’ I said, making the book jump on each word as it rested on my knees.

‘Stop it.’ Daniel giggled and pushed the book down.

‘Sorry, sorry.’ I kissed the top of his head and carried on. ‘‘ _Where is my mother?’ he said_ … _He looked down, he could not see her. He looked up, he could not see her._ ’

I took a break to sneeze.

‘Bless’ou.’ He said.

‘Thank you darling. ‘ _I will go and look for her’ he said_ … _Down out of the tree he went…He did not know what his mother looked like. He went right by her. He did not see her.’_

‘She’s there!’ Daniel shouted, pointing at the mother bird. ‘She’s there!’

‘Oh dear, he can’t see her!’

‘Can’t see her.’ Daniel mumbled, shaking his head.

‘ _He came to a kitten. ‘Are you my mother?’ he said to the kitten_.’

‘Tha’s not his mum.’ He said.

‘Who is his mum?’

‘Tha’ bird.’

‘Very good, my smart boy.’

The book continued in the same pattern, the baby bird asked a chicken, a dog, a cow, a boat and a crane if they were his mother. Daniel giggled along and said each time that they weren’t the baby bird’s mother.

‘ _You are a bird, and you are my mother._ ’ The baby finally said, when he and his mother were reunited.

‘Tha’s her.’ Daniel said quietly, his small finger stroking the crinkled page of the book.

‘He found his mummy.’

‘You’re my mummy.’ He said simply.

‘I am.’ I stroked his hair.

‘There’s no daddy bird.’

‘No, not in this one.’

He was nodding, I saw his dark eyes move around the page. His smooth face slightly crinkled in thought.

‘Did you want some dinner, baby? Before daddy gets here?’

‘Ahm, yes. Please.’

He hopped up, and helped me cook pasta by handing me the pans, spoons, and bowls that I needed.

He’d just finished his final mouthful when Dovid arrived.

‘Daddy!’ He ran for the door as he always did, and once they saw each other they hugged tightly.

‘Esti.’ Dovid bowed his head. It was so strange now, to think that we were once married, that we shared a bed, shared each other’s bodies. There was a time when I thought I’d regret all of the years I spent there, but now looking at Daniel, I couldn’t physically feel anything except relief, the sense that it had all been worthwhile.

‘Dovid, how are you? Would you like to come in?’

‘Actually, I thought we… yes,’ he forced a smile. ‘Of course.’

‘Tea?’

‘Please.’

‘Daddy, we saw a bird with his- he lost his mummy, but then- then he found her.’

‘Is that so?’ Dovid asked.

‘Yes. He was scared.’

‘I bet he was.’ Dovid sat down with Daniel on his knee. ‘Where is Ronit?’

‘She’s-’

‘Ronit’s in… Germ…y.’

‘Germany.’ I corrected him.

‘Germ-ny.’ Daniel repeated.

‘She is away again?’ Dovid looked at me, I noticed a slight tightening of his brow.

‘Just for a few days.’ I went to the kitchen, flicked the kettle on and waited for the boiling steam to rise. I made two cups of tea and brought Daniel a small carton of orange juice. ‘She’s photographing a film event.’

‘And you don’t mind that?’ Dovid stated, taking one of the gladiators that Daniel had given to him.

‘It’s her job, Dovid.’ I said, putting the tea down. His mouth shrugged, the same face he made when he desperately wanted to disagree with me, but didn’t. ‘So, what are you doing tonight?’

‘Chanukah celebrations at the synagogue. I thought Daniel could join us.’

Chanukah, of course it was. ‘I- yes, that sounds- I completely forgot.’

‘I thought you might have.’ He sipped his tea, he could always drink his tea far hotter than I ever could. ‘Will you be celebrating this year?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, I imagine Ronit will want a tree, decorations, Christmassy… things.’

‘I really haven’t given it any thought.’

He nodded slowly. ‘It will be hard for him.’ He bowed his head towards Daniel, who was blissfully ignorant of our conversation.

‘I don’t think it will be.’

‘He’ll be confused.’

‘He’ll have a choice.’ I hit the words straight back at him, making him exhale a laugh from his nose. ‘How is Jessica?’

‘Beautiful. She looks like Shayna.’

I bit my lip. I couldn’t help but imagine what Ronit would have said if she’d been there. I wrote myself a mental reminder to tell her later, because I wanted to know what she’d say.

‘And Shayna?’

‘Well.’

‘Good.’

‘What will you do tonight? No Daniel, no Ronit?’

‘There’s a work party, I was going to pop in.’

‘Very good.’

‘Germ-ny, Germ-ny.’ Daniel burbled from the floor, hitting a truck into a gladiator.

Eventually Dovid left with him, after I’d hugged him to me for several minutes. I waved them off down the street, and then returned entirely alone to the flat. I called Ronit straight away.

‘Hello darling.’ Her deep, husky voice caressed my ear through the phone.

‘Hello.’

‘Has Daniel gone?’

‘He has, Dovid just left with him.’

‘Oh,’ she groaned, and I knew when she made that sound that if she’d been there she would have stroked my face, my hair, or just held me. ‘It’s okay, he’ll be back tomorrow.’

‘I know, it’s fine. He’ll have a fun evening; they’re going to a Chanukah party.’

‘Ahh of course,’ she chuckled. ‘If he brings back a _latke_ , will you save me one? I get weird cravings for them sometimes.’

‘I can make you some.’

‘Oh, you don’t have to do that. I love the taste, but I hate the smell of them cooking.’

There was a slight pause while she fiddled with her camera.

‘Audrey came back this morning.’ I said.

‘Oh good, she said she might. What did you all do?’

‘We went for a long walk, and she took us for coffee and lunch. She left about… a 1000% tip in both places.’

Ronit laughed. ‘Yeah, she’s always been like that. She makes out it’s ignorance, but she’s very generous.’

‘She’s wonderful.’

‘I’m glad you like her. She adores you.’

That flattery tickled me again, the same excitement I’d felt that morning when Audrey arrived. ‘She… told me to talk to Beth and it made a lot of sense, what she said. So, I think I’m going to go to the Christmas party.’ I said. ‘Just for a little bit.’

‘Talk to Beth about what?’

‘About everything. Her behaviour… my… behaviour.’

‘Oh.’

‘I think she has to be told.’

‘Okay.’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’

‘You’ve gone quiet, and short.’

‘It’s,’ I heard her sigh. ‘Nothing. I just- I worry about you.’

‘Why?’

‘Because, you’re…’

‘Naïve?’

‘No, I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say that you're innocent in your intentions. And I- I don’t think Beth is.’

‘Mm.’ I agreed and realised I’d been rubbing my neck. ‘I think I do need to talk with her though.’

‘I just wish I could be there, if you were going to do that.’

‘I think it has to be just me, Ronit.’

I could almost visualise her nodding, chewing on her lips, running her fingers through her hair. ‘You’re right. Of course, you’re right.’

‘I will let you know how it goes though, I’ll call you afterwards.’

‘I should be free between,’ she paused. ‘Ten and eleven? There’s a bit of a gap.’

‘That sounds wonderful.’

She didn’t speak for a moment. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

* * *

 

The interior of the social club had been decorated poorly. It didn’t feel festive in the slightest, the room was still dank and unfriendly, though it was crowded with drunk people all dressed in Christmas jumpers, reindeer ears and paper crowns slanted on their heads. Initially, I had a difficult time adjusting to the fact that I’d spent the afternoon with a supermodel and now I was here. I spotted the teachers tucked away in their corner booth, I weaved through the masses. I didn’t see Beth anywhere, but I greeted Felicity and Mrs Patel, who were sat on the end.

‘Esti!’ Felicity was red-faced and jovial, she pulled me into a back-breaking hug. ‘I didn’t think you’d make it!’

‘No, I’m sorry I’m late. Hi everyone.’

The other teachers waved and said hello, but then all carried on their conversations.

‘Don’t be- always sor-’ Felicity hiccupped. ‘Always sorry you are, pet.’

‘Is Beth here?’ I asked, pulling away slightly. The overpowering smell of alcohol on her breath was making me anxious.

‘She- I just saw her. Where is Beth, Agnes?’ Felicity turned her body in a lumbering way, knocking the table.

‘She went outside I think, with her… lady friend.’ Mrs Patel’s eyes were drifting off in different directions as she steadied a bottle of wine.

‘Great, thank you.’ I went to stand but Felicity stopped me.

‘’ave a drink Esti.’ Her haphazard hands seized a wine glass from the platter in front of her. I was about to refuse but decided to indulge.

I sat with them and finished the cheap wine, I drank it too quickly. I was eager to find Beth, get it out of the way, and go home and talk to Ronit. Much to their protest, I finally rose and went to try and find her, with a renewed sense of confidence due to the warm, tangy wine.

I knew Beth didn’t smoke but I headed for the smoking area; it was cold and packed out there, the patio heaters had a sun-faded ‘Out of Order’ sign on them that looked several years old. I manoeuvred through the crowds, choking on the smoke and the icy air. I edged around the brick wall and stumbled upon her by chance, she was leaning against someone under the flicker of a broken light.

I swallowed away the taste of the wine in my mouth and tapped her shoulder, the puffy material of her coat depressing under my hand. She turned, her face was slow to react to me.

‘Oh, hi.’ She said, her tone just as cold as the sky above us.

‘Hi, I was wondering if we could talk?’

‘I’m a bit busy.’

I looked then, at the woman who was against the wall. A petite woman, with brown hair, light eyes and smeared lipstick over her mouth, two slight buckteeth poked out under her top lip. She smiled at me. I smiled back.

‘It’s just,’ I turned back to Beth. ‘I really would like to speak with you.’

 ‘Could you not have picked a better time?’

‘Not really.’

She huffed. ‘Fine. I’ll be back in a minute, Kelly.’

The woman, Kelly I suppose, looked confused but compliant. Beth slunk through the crowds, back through the club and went out of the doors that led to the front of the club. We were standing on the pavement, under an orange street light. The wintry air turned our breath into thin clouds that swirled in front of us.

‘So, what is it?’ She was slumped against the wall of the club, looking at her feet.

I inhaled deeply, I had been rehearsing. ‘I want you to know that I’m still sorry for how I treated you.’

She scoffed.

‘And, just to reassure you, nothing was going on with me and Ronit while we were together. In case you thought that...’

‘I didn’t think that.’

‘Oh, okay, good.’

‘So, was that it? You came to apologise again?’

‘No, not just that. I also wanted to tell you that… if there was ever any doubt in your mind about who I would choose, between you and Ronit… then, it’s always Ronit. It’s always been Ronit, and it will always be Ronit.’

She still hadn’t looked up.

‘So, if you came back here, in the hope that maybe we’d get back together, or that you’d convince me somehow… it just… I would have said no, even if I wasn’t with Ronit.’

‘Do you remember,’ Beth lifted her head then, her tone had changed, she was talking as though she hadn’t heard anything I’d just said. ‘The time we watched _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_? The first time we had sex?’

My cold forehead wrinkled. ‘W-why would you bring that up now?’

‘You were… all over me, it was the most enthusiastic I’d _ever_ seen you.’

‘O-okay.’

‘Were you thinking about Ronit?’

‘Beth-’

‘Were you? Is that it? Was our whole relationship, just that?’

I closed my eyes and dropped my chin. ‘No, it wasn’t.’

‘You’re lying.’ She stood up straight, she looked taller. I could smell beer in the puffs of air that came from her mouth. ‘Did you ever love me? Did you ever enjoy any part of it?’

‘I’m-… it’s futile talking about this Beth.’

‘Did you just imagine I was her? Because that’s pretty fucked up, Esti.’

‘I didn’t.’

‘Liar.’

‘For god’s sake Beth.’ My arms crossed in front of me, my fingers were starting to ache with cold. ‘Why did you come back? Was I right? Did you come back because you thought you’d… win me back? You thought you’d hug me, touch me, impose yourself until I caved in again? And I’d just… what? Just lie back and take it all over again?’

‘So, I was right? ‘Lie back and take it’? You never wanted any of it?’ Her mouth was sloped, her words growing more inaudible.

‘Jesus Christ.’ My teeth were starting to chatter, and I didn’t know if it was anger or because I was freezing. ‘This is pointless. You need to stop, all of it. You need to stop. Stop touching me, stop being so familiar, stop bei-’

She lunged for me, forcing her cold, blue lips against mine, her shockingly strong arms held me against the wall. I was still midway through speaking, so my mouth was partly open and I felt her tongue. Revolted, I threw her back and she stumbled into the road.

She wiped her mouth while I shook, now certain it was because of rage and not the cold.

‘I’m… sorr-’

‘Don’t.’ My voice had lowered, so much so I couldn’t recognise it.

‘I’m sor-’

‘Don’t. You’re… I can’t believe you just did that.’

‘You kissed me bac-’

‘I absolutely did not!’ Pain shot through my skull from my tightly clenched jaw. ‘Don’t… how dare you? Do you… do you know how much I’ve defended you? Do you know how many times I’ve…? You’ve made me look so stupid. Ronit- she kept warning me and you… I can’t believe you. I can’t f-fucking believe you. I have to- I have to go and tell Ronit that… that this happened. I have to tell her what you just did. And she- she has every right- every right to throw it all back in my face. You’re so… selfish.’

‘You kissed me bac-’

‘Stop saying that!’ I was yelling, my voice had raised, and I no longer felt the cold. I was overheating, and I had a stabbing irritation on the back of my neck. ‘You’re- insane.’

‘I still love you.’

‘I don’t care, I don’t care. That’s- you’re…’ I staggered backwards and turned. I felt tears stinging my eyes, I couldn’t process anything, I had to speak to Ronit. I heard Beth call my name, but I was done.

I had tried to take control.

I had tried to be strong.

But I had failed.

 

I called Ronit as soon as I got in, the house was so quiet and warm. I wished she was there. I glanced at the clock; it was 10:13pm. The line rang and rang and rang, endlessly. Finally, she answered.

‘Hello beautiful!’ She sounded so happy.

‘Beth tried to kiss me.’ I blurted the words out. I couldn’t have any pretence, not like when Beth was here before, and I hadn’t told her right away.

There was a silence. It stretched out uncomfortably, contorting and warping like a vinyl record that had been left in the sun.

‘Are you still there?’ I asked.

‘Yes.’

‘I-I tried to tell her-’

‘What do you mean ‘tried to’ kiss you?’

‘She… threw herself at me.’

‘God- I fucking…’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I fucking knew she was-’ I heard something crash on Ronit's side. ‘I… fucking hate her. I knew this would happen.’

‘I know. You said, you were right. I was- I’m so stupid.’

‘You’re not- it’s fucking her. She’s a- what happened? Tell me what happened.’

‘I tried to tell her. I did tell her-’

‘What did you tell her?’

‘I said that between her and you, it would always be you. A-and she got angry, and I got angry. And it just- she just pounced… out of nowhere.’

‘She fucking- it’s assault. That’s assault.’

‘I’m sorry.’

She was quiet. ‘Did she hurt you?’

‘N-no.’ I lied. Beth’s teeth had bumped my lips and had made them bleed a little, but I didn’t want to mention specifics.

‘Could you…’ She made a snarling noise. ‘Do you have her number?’

‘I- why?’

‘I’d like it.’

‘Ronit, no, I can’t-’

‘I’d really like her number, Esti.’

‘I’m not giving you her number.’

‘Why?’

‘You’ll… make it worse.’

‘I- I just want to talk to her.’

‘No, Ronit, please. I don’t- I don’t want to have anything to do with her. I want to… leave the school, if she’s- going to be there.’

‘You- you shouldn’t have to leave.’

‘No, but-’

‘Darling-’

‘I tried to do the right thing, Ronit.’

‘I… I know you did.’

‘But if you’ve… had enough, and you… I understand. It’s all been so unnecessary, and it’s all my fault. And I’ll… I understand if you…’

‘What?’

‘If you just want to… be done with it.’

‘Esti,’ she sighed again. ‘I need to stop going away, clearly.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Nothing, it’s… I don’t want to be done with you, or… us. We’ve fought tougher things than this before. She’s… I mean, she’s an almighty cunt, and I fucking hate her, but we’ve faced worse.’

I wasn’t even shocked at the word she’d used, everything she was saying was melodious. ‘Do you still love me?’

‘More than anything.’

I sobbed then.

‘I’d like to…’ She made a sad noise. ‘Can I take you away, when I’m back? Away from all of this?’

‘Where?’ I snivelled, attempting to wipe my eyes and nose.

‘I want to take you to Paris.’

‘Oh,’ I felt an odd flurry in my chest. ‘I’d love that.’

‘I think you need… we need a trip. To get away from everything. Me, you and Daniel.’

‘I’d really love that.’ I was crying, and she made another sad noise.

‘I hate this.’ She exhaled. ‘I hate being away from you.’

‘I- I hate it too.’

‘Only… three and a half days.’ I heard her huff through her nostrils. ‘What will you do on Monday?’

‘There’s only a week until we break up for Christmas. And then… we can decide what to do.’

‘That’s sensible.’ She said, and then we were both quiet. ‘So, you’re not going to give me her number?’

‘I don’t think so, sweetheart.’

‘Okay.’

‘But, thank you, for… wanting to defend me.’

‘I was going to do more than that, darling.’

I sniffed. ‘I don’t want to hang up.’

‘Neither do I.’

‘Will you call me tomorrow morning?’

‘I promise I will. First thing.’

‘I love you so much, Ronit.’

‘I love you too.’

We did hang up eventually, and I brushed my teeth and took my clothes off and collapsed into bed. With the absence of Daniel, I worried. And for the first time in almost five months, I propped a pillow behind my back to ensure I fell asleep.


	31. The Gifts

I tried to focus on the rest of the event, I really did. But I worked in a trance; after I hung up and went back to my designated spot, I can’t remember any of the photos I took after that. I could only think of Esti, laying in our bed, alone. I was filled with a rancid, sour fear that Beth would go there, force her way in. She knew where we lived, she was clearly unstable enough to do something like that; I couldn’t shake it.

I was so relieved when the awards finished so that I could just be alone, so I could try and calm myself down. I was invited to an after party, but I declined and went back to my hotel. I calculated what I’d need to do over the next few days that would require me to stay. There was another event on Sunday, a premiere of some Swedish film that had been nominated for practically all of the awards, but after that… I was here to edit and upload. I could do that at home, I could do that in the office. I text Holly; it was late, but I was being driven by something else. Some protective urge I had that wouldn't wait.

_I’m going to come back after the premier tomorrow. I’ll change my flight, can edit in office._

I was surprised when I received a text back immediately.

_We need you there for the interviews on Mon/Tue._

I knew she’d be a dick about those.

_I have to come home tomorrow. We can buy stocks of interview photos, I’ll find them._

_I don’t want stocks, I want our own._

I closed my eyes and tapped my phone against my forehead. If I’d text Scott this he would have given me some grief, but he wouldn’t have chained me down to the fucking job. I growled, conceded, and fell onto the bed. That night, I had a nightmare about Beth.

 

The next few days were painful. Esti told me that when she went back to school Beth had acted like the entire thing hadn’t happened.

‘She was just… fine.’ She said one evening when we’d been on the phone.

‘Just fine? Nothing?’

‘No, she… just didn’t mention it at all. She came into my classroom earlier and asked for some glue and was laughing about something. She just… it was strange.’

‘Did you say anything?’

‘No, what would I say? I just wanted her to leave.’

 

We spent hours on the phone on the evenings I was away. I don’t know if it made it worse or better; all I wanted to do was touch her, to smell her, to feel the familiar shape of her torso pressed against mine. I missed Daniel too, incredibly so. Oddly, I missed the feeling of being relied on. It was a complex feeling; one I hadn’t experienced before. That feeling of being an important part of a unit, an integral cog.

Finally, after the longest four days of my life, after worrying for Esti morning and night, I was on the final stretch home. The flight was short, but the taxi ride was long, and the roads were congested.

But the tensions I’d harboured in my neck and back the past few days, the sickness I’d felt in my gut and the ache I’d had in the front of my skull entirely evaporated when I unlocked the front door and smelled the candles Esti always lit; the smell of home.

I saw Esti in the kitchen first, her face softened with relief when she saw me. ‘You’re home.’ She said, her voice was light and emotional. She hurried to me, with her arms open.

Daniel yelled excitedly and ran for me. I picked him up, and he wrapped his arms around my neck in the way that made my heart weak.

‘Daniel!’ I spun him in my arms, stopping when Esti reached us. She kissed me tenderly; her hand held the back of my head. ‘I’m home.’ I said, stroking her face with my spare hand.

‘We’ve missed you.’ She said, nuzzling into my palm.

‘I’ve missed you two.’

‘You in Germ-ny?’ Daniel pulled out of the hug but left his small hands on my neck, his curious face stared at me.

‘Oh Daniel, I was in Germany. And Germany was so cold. It was so cold, that _all_ of my fingers fell off at one point.’

‘No, they di’nt!’ Daniel was giggling as I carried him through to the living room.

‘They did!’

‘They di’nt!’

‘They did!’

‘That would have been quite the tragedy.’ Esti said, joining me on the sofa.

‘It’s okay,’ I replied, smiling at her. ‘They grew back.’

She blinked slowly, a coy smile reaching up at the corners of her mouth. ‘That's a relief.’

Our eyes lingered for a moment, and I remembered that evening that I’d get to touch her and I felt excited; a tingling hit my inner thighs and my throat constricted slightly.

‘Did you get- get more-erm- them?’ My eyes snapped away from Esti. Daniel was sitting on my lap, pointing at the gladiators I’d bought him from Italy.

‘Unfortunately, I didn’t get any more of those. But, I _did_ buy you something else. Shall I get it now?’

He nodded eagerly. 'Yeah, yeah!'

‘Daniel, let Ronit rest darling.’ Esti was leaning on her hand, her elbow resting against the back of the sofa.

‘I don’t mind.’ I leant over to kiss her, just because I could. ‘I got you something too.’

‘You have to stop doing that.’ She said, though the dimples in her cheeks were so profound, they said something different.

I heaved myself back up and dragged my suitcase into the living room. Daniel and Esti both peered over from the sofa as I sat on the floor in front of them; I felt Esti play with my hair.

‘So, for the young man, I probably went a bit overboard-’

‘That’s so unlike you.’ Esti interjected, her fingers now stroking the back of my neck.

‘I know, incredibly out of character. I got him too much chocolate, because I couldn’t not.’ I pulled about ten different flavoured bars of speciality German chocolate from a gift bag.

Daniel made squeaky noise and pawed at Esti. ‘I have some now please?’

I looked at Esti too, who hadn’t stopped smiling since I’d arrived. ‘That’s up to Ronit, darling.’ She said.

‘Has he had dinner?’

‘He has.’

‘Then of course we can eat chocolate!’ I tore into a bar and snapped off bits for the three of us, while rooting through the rest of my suitcase. ‘Okay,’ I said with a mouthful of rich strawberry-flavoured chocolate. ‘Here’s your other present, Daniel.’

I’d had it gift wrapped, so with his already chocolate-stained fingers he tore into the paper.

‘Ooh,’ he said, pulling a small wooden toy from it. ‘What’s it?’

‘It’s a little merry-go-round.’ It was a colourful, hand-crafted, wooden merry-go-round, with mechanics that allowed it to turn when you pulled up and depressed the top of it.

‘Oh my god, Ronit.’ Esti sat forward. ‘It looks just like-’

‘Doesn’t it?’

‘How did you…?’

‘I went to a flea market, and there was a man there who carved these toys from wood he chopped himself, and... I saw it and I just immediately recognised it.’

‘It’s so… similar. Daniel, mummy had a toy just like this one, when she was younger.’

‘This one?’

‘Not that one, but one just like that.’

‘And now Daniel has one too.’ I said, gently stroking Esti’s knee. She leant down kissed the top of my head.

‘You’re so wonderful.’

‘Don’t say that just yet – you haven’t seen your present.’

‘Oh god, what is it?’

‘Okay, so, I didn’t want to assume anything about this year. And it only occurred to me, when you mentioned Dovid taking Daniel to the synagogue, for Chanukah. I thought that, in the spirit of what we’re trying to do with Daniel, I got these.’

I handed her the small gift box, she was frowning as she opened it. It took her a moment, I think, to realise what they were.

‘Oh, Ronit.’

‘Do you like them? Do you-’

She interrupted me with a kiss; Daniel looked over.

‘What’s it?’ He enquired, tugging the box slightly.

‘They’re decorations darling, for a Christmas tree.’ Esti said, still holding my face.

‘Tha’s a star.’ Daniel said, pointing to the Star of David decoration.

‘It is! Well done!’ I patted his back gently. ‘Do you know what this is?’

He twisted his mouth and shook his head.

‘It’s a little wooden dreidel, but you can’t spin this one because it’s going on a big tree we’re going to get. And this one?’

Again, he shook his head.

‘God, Dovid isn’t doing a very good job, is he? This is a menorah.’

‘Men-ror.’ He said slowly.

‘That’s it.’ I turned to Esti. ‘Do you like them?’

‘You’re… so thoughtful. I didn’t even think…’

‘Well, it’s important, isn’t it?’ I looked at Daniel, who had returned to playing with his merry-go-round, almost identical to the one that used to sit on a shelf in Esti’s bedroom when she was growing up. ‘Plus, this means we can buy a tree now.’

 

Esti fed me, which was incredibly welcome because all I’d eaten in the past twelve hours was aeroplane peanuts and the chocolate I’d bought for Daniel.

We let Daniel stay up until I’d finished, so that I could read him a story.

‘Are you joining us?’ I asked her, as I held Daniel’s hand.

‘I think I’ll give you two some time.’ She touched my chest and smiled, so warmly and generously that I wanted to lift her up and hold her.

‘Thank you.’

She waved off my gratitude and kissed Daniel goodnight.

‘So, I’m reading the dinosaur book tonight?’ I asked Daniel as we walked to his room.

‘Nope! Got new one.’

‘Oh, did you now?’

He ran to his bookshelf and pulled out a book I hadn’t seen before. It had a ‘Notting Hill Public Library’ sticker on the inside leaf.

‘Read this.’ He gave me the book and I stared at him. He hastily followed up with a ‘Please.’

‘Very good! Okay, let’s have a look at this.’

I read through the book, holding it in front of us both as Daniel tucked himself into the crook of my arm. The story was about a baby bird who had lost his mother. Daniel giggled the whole way through, telling the different animals that they weren’t the baby birds’ mother. I read the final line and he was still awake; it was unusual.

‘Found his mummy.’ He said, stroking the page.

‘He did.’

‘You’re my mummy.’ He said, so incredibly casually, but I coughed slightly when he spoke the words.

‘I…’ I didn’t know how to respond.

He looked up at me, pointing at the book. ‘Ronit mummy bird.’

‘There isn’t a Ronit bird, is there?’

‘No Ronit bird,’ he shook his head. ‘Mummy bird.’ He looked back down. My face had gone red, I could feel it. But not red in any negative way, I was feeling a different type of intense emotion, my heart felt so full.

‘Shall I read the dinosaur book now?’ I asked, hearing my voice shake slightly with emotion.

‘Yes please.’

I pulled his duvet up to his chest and read our favourite book to him. He fell asleep right on cue; I didn’t leave immediately. I sat on his bed, watching him sleep. I stroked his face, the cheeks that looked so much like Esti’s, before I left him.

‘Is he asleep?’ She asked, when I got into the living room.

‘He is.’ I said, still slightly dazed. ‘He… called me ‘mummy’.’

She was nodding and smiling. ‘I thought he might…’

‘You did?’

She was still nodding. ‘Do you mind it? I can tell him to stop if you-’

‘No, no… I mean, unless you think it’s weird.’

‘No, I don’t think it’s weird.’

‘No, I- I don’t either.’ It wasn’t strange to me. Why wasn’t it strange to me? ‘Why did you think he’d do that?’

‘It’s a funny story,’ she was laughing now, clearly comforted by my reaction. ‘Dovid brought him back on Sunday, he was all… in a flap.’

‘Why?’ I asked, sitting next to her on the sofa.

‘Well, at the party, Moshe and Fruma were talking to Daniel. And Fruma asked him how his mother was.’

‘Right,’ I felt myself smiling just because Esti was.

‘And Daniel told them his mummy was at home. And then he told them… that his other mummy was in Germany.’

‘Oh my god.’

‘And- oh, Ronit. I wish you’d seen Dovid, the way he described the… he had to explain that you were in Germany.’ She was chuckling, her fingers covering her mouth. ‘I suppose it’s not funny really, but I was in such a bad mood before… that I just couldn’t stop laughing, and it encouraged Daniel. And he kept saying it. I’m sorry.’

‘Oh god.’ I was laughing too, my fingers lightly stroked the back of her hand, which was resting on the back of the sofa. ‘Jesus, can you- oh god. Don’t be sorry, it’s- lovely. I just…’

We were both sniggering now, and if one of us would stop then we’d catch each other’s eyes and fall into fits of laughter again.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I just had to… tell you in person.’

‘I understand.’ I wiped my eyes. ‘So that’s a thing now? He’ll... call me that?’

‘You know what he’s like. We’ll have to wait and see. But… you’re sure you don’t mind?’

‘No, darling not at all. It’s… gorgeous.’

‘I didn’t think you’d mind.’

I stroked her face with my thumb. ‘I missed you.’

‘I missed you too.’ She moved closer to me and I lifted my arm around her. I held her close to me and took in the floral scent of her. ‘When are you away again?’ She asked, holding onto me.

I paused. ‘The 22nd to the 24th.’

‘Oh,’ she complained. ‘What about January?’

‘Let’s not talk about it, darling. Let’s just enjoy this.’

She nodded with her head against my chest. After a little while, she said, ‘I have a surprise for you.’

‘Oh? I love surprises.’ I stroked her hair. ‘Where is it?’

‘Under my clothes.’

‘Oh-’ I gulped. ‘I love it already.’

She lifted her head and kissed me. It was filled with longing, I felt an immediate rush.

‘Am I allowed it now?’ I asked, in between kissing her.

She nodded and stared at my lips and my eyes, pulling me closer. ‘Yes, I don’t think I can wait much longer.’

I sighed with anticipation and held her face; her tongue played in my mouth and I groaned. I picked her up then, her legs wrapped around my hips and I carried her to the bedroom.

‘I’ve missed you, so much.’ She breathed into my ear as I fell into the bed with her. Her lips grazed and gently bit my ear and my jaw as I pulled at her jeans.

‘I’ve missed you too.’ Our lips met again, her hands moved over my back, not knowing where to settle. I slid the jeans down her legs, whimpering as I realised then what my surprise was. ‘Holy- fuck, Esti.’

She was wearing the tights and stockings I’d bought under her jeans. Open-mouthed, I ran my hand over the glossy tights, she shivered. I touched the gap of velvety pale skin between the silk straps that clipped to the black lace underwear.

‘Jesus- fuck-’ I was cut off, she’d pulled me towards her, her mouth was hungry for mine. I felt her legs around me again.

‘I’d like you to- use the strap-on.’ She mumbled, her legs still drawing me in.

‘O-okay.’ I said, struggling to keep my voice low and quiet.

‘But,’ she paused and gazed at me. ‘I don’t want to be on my back.’

‘That’s- that’s fine,’ I whispered, nodding. ‘You don’t need to-’

She kissed me again, wrenching at my shirt and bra while I clawed the rest of her clothes off, careful to not pull at the stockings. I stood up, dishevelled and half naked. I clambered for the wardrobe and pulled the bag out, I rooted around and picked it up; my hands were nervous. I watched her as I put it on and she watched me, her mouth was open, her eyes were lustful and her naked chest was rising.

I got back onto the bed and sat with my back against the headboard.

‘Come here,’ I asked of her gently, opening my hands up. She took them and kneeled over me, her legs either side of mine. I felt the material of her suspenders against my skin and my breath escaped me. ‘We can take it slow.’

She nodded again as I caressed her face. I took the toy into my hand and she raised her hips over it. I could feel her shaking as her hands cupped my face.

She lowered herself slowly, until I felt her sliding easily onto it. I swallowed my quickening breath.

She whimpered into my mouth when she felt my hand clutching its base, her bottom lip quivered against mine. I could feel how wet she was.

‘Fuck me, Ronit.’ Her eyes were closed, but her mouth was still open, her breathing ragged.

‘Oh, Esti.’ I whispered her name as our faces touched. The toy wasn’t turned on, but I felt my clit throb and pulse nonetheless. Knowing I was inside her, knowing she was using me entirely for her own pleasure. I had to control the air in my lungs, as I felt rush after rush to my groin.

Her hips rose, and she moaned, louder. She lowered again, and rose, and dropped her hips; her movements became quicker and desperate, with each movement I heard her throat groan. I saw the muscles in her thighs tense as she thrusted the length of it inside her. I saw the toy getting wetter every time she drove her hips into it, glistening in the low light of the bedroom.

She started rocking her hips, grinding on top of me; her frantic moans escalated and one of her hands grabbed my shoulder. The other lowered, and she put two fingers on her clit, circling it as she rolled her hips on me.

‘Fuck,’ the word shook out of her trembling mouth, her hair covered over her eyes as her head fell forward.

My mouth was so dry. I tried to watch all of her, but I couldn’t focus. I thought I might come just from watching her face, furrowed with pleasure. With every drop of her of her hips, I felt her smack against me, drumming a soft rhythm against my clit and then I knew I was ready. My mouth found her breast and she pounded harder, I heard a strain in her throat. My hands held onto her thighs, gripping the material of the stockings. I felt the suspender straps snap off in my hands as I started to climax.

‘I’m co- I’m coming.’ I spoke against her chest, my lips dragged over her convulsing body. 

‘Fu- god, me too.’ Her fingers clutched my hair as she continued to thrust into me, her two fingers still working her clit. I felt her shoulders stoop. Her thighs clenched against mine and she moaned loudly, her hot breath increased the depth of my orgasm. We came together, our bodies eventually pressed so tightly together I could feel her heart beating against my ear. With a final gasping shudder, we both fell back; our chests gleamed with sweat, only the sound of our breathing could be heard for several minutes.

‘I…’ she sighed. ‘It was never like that…’

I stroked her leg as I caught my breath.

‘Never like that.’ She said, her hands pushed her hair back as I removed the strap-on. Exhausted, I cleaned it and put it back in the wardrobe.

‘Was that okay?’ I asked after I got under the covers; we were both naked.

She didn’t answer but rolled on top of me, and we kissed deeply. That tired, content kiss we would always share after sex. It was a special kind of kiss, one that had no deeper meaning or intent, a kiss that simply symbolised love, comfort and contentment.

‘I-’ I let her lips float above mine as I spoke. ‘I want this forever, Esti.’

She smiled and pecked my lips. ‘I’ve wanted this forever, Ronit.’

‘Now we have it.’

She nodded and rested her head on my chest. We both fell into a deep sleep.


	32. The Christmas Tree

Esti and I slumped through the next two days at work and school. I was looking forward to Esti breaking up for the holidays; I desperately felt like she needed a rest, a proper break. She told me that Beth was still acting fine, which unsettled me greatly. I couldn’t help but feel like that was leading up to something worse.

To add to the stress, Holly was relentless when I got back to the office on Thursday morning; she demanded a rundown of the entire event before I had time to take my coat off. And on the Friday she pulled me into three more meetings and committed me to four more trips between January and February.

‘You are aware we have other photographers here, aren’t you Holly?’ I said, my sharp, angry tongue getting the better of me.

‘Yes, but Ronnie dear, none of them are you. International representation, I thought this was important to you?’

I didn’t respond; I went to my office and slammed the door in frustration. And then I felt stupid, like an immature teenager again. I only had another week until I had to leave for Budapest; I’d be returning late on Christmas Eve. An infuriated exasperation propelled from my lungs as I sat at my desk and watched the next few months of my travel calendar fill up with red entries. I stared at it, I stared at it and stared at it.

And then I knew what I had to do. So, before I left work on Friday… I did it.

 

I left work on that afternoon elated, I even left early; so early, that I told Esti I could pick Daniel up from nursery.

_That would be amazing, sweetheart. He’d love that. Xx_

_Excellent, do you need to tell nursery I’m getting him? xx_

_Not anymore. X_

I had no idea what she meant by that, but I was just going into a tunnel and I lost signal, so I didn't have time to ask her.

When I arrived at Daniel’s nursery, he ran to me and called me ‘mum’ again. That seemed to be what he’d settled on over the past two days. Esti was ‘mummy’, and I was ‘mum’. I was still very much in the early stages of adjusting to it.

The night before, Esti had just left for the shop for some garlic and tomatoes, and I heard Daniel call out from his bedroom.

‘Mum?... Muuuum?’

‘She’s just popped ou-’ I called back, but then I remembered. I went to him immediately; he wanted to show me that he’d spilt an entire cup of juice over his bed. ‘Ah...’

‘Dropped it.’ He said, scratching his cheek and holding the empty cup.

‘You did.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Do you see now why mummy doesn’t let you have juice in your room?’

‘Ah… yes.’

I changed his bedding before Esti got back.

At nursery, one of the smiley attendants approached me, Daniel was still in my arms.

‘Hi there,’ she said in her jolly way. ‘You must be Ronit?’

‘That’s me, yes. Hi.’

‘My name is Julia, it’s lovely to meet you Ronit. It’s great you’re here actually, because we’ve got something for you to sign, if you have time?’

She was so polite, I felt I didn’t have a choice. ‘Of course, what is it?’

‘Oh brilliant! It’s just a guardian form. Just this way, thanks so much, that’s great.’

I followed her further inside the long nursery hallway.

‘Tha’s Julia.’ Daniel told me as he pointed ahead.

‘I know, she’s nice, isn’t she? What is a guardian form then?’ I asked Julia the question whilst she led me through to the back of a colourful art room. Brightly painted walls surrounded us on all four sides, each covered with different styles of artworks from children of all ages.

‘It just confirms you’re happy to be down as a guardian for Daniel.’ She opened the door to a cool, pleasant-smelling office and sat behind a cluttered desk. I sat opposite her, with Daniel on my lap.

‘Julia, this my mum.’ Daniel pointed at my chest; filling my heart with a fresh wave of copious adoration for him.

‘I know!’ Julia replied, her face stretched out with a wide smile. ‘You are such a lucky boy having two mummies, aren’t you?’

‘Sorry Julia, I'm just full of questions; what’s a guardian?’ I asked.

‘Oh, my apologies,’ she handed me a form. ‘Esti came in a few days ago, and she asked us to put you on his guardian list, but she left before we asked her to get you to sign it. It just means that, if for any reason something comes up with Daniel, you’ll be down as a first point of contact. And it means you can pick him up without parental permission, there are a few other things too if you want to read through – make sure you’re happy?’

‘Oh, great, thanks,’ I looked at the form, I saw Esti’s handwriting. She’d filled out all of my details and ticked all of the option boxes at the bottom of the page; _to be contacted in an emergency, invited to parent/carer events, allowed to pick up/drop-off, able to sign-off progress book_. There were more, but I was getting choked reading them. She’d signed off the section giving parental consent for everything.

‘Is that… okay?’ Julia asked, her smile fading slightly.

‘Y-yes, yes it’s fine. She just… she thinks of everything.’

I signed the form quickly and handed it back to Julia.

‘That’s brilliant. Have a lovely Christmas. Goodbye Daniel! Hope your mummies spoil you.’

We bade her goodbye and then Daniel and I left for home, holding hands and jumping along the icy pavement. He told me all about Santa Claus, who he’d just learnt about that day.

Dovid was taking him away for the day on Saturday, so when Esti got in we spent the whole evening baking, cooking and playing games together. I mentioned the guardian form to Esti at one point, and she just gave a coy smile.  Daniel helped me to make mince pies, and regardless of the smell, I asked Esti to make _latkes_. We ate well that night, there was a harmonious combination of nostalgia and progress that came with the mix of Christmas and Chanukah; a colliding of different worlds, it was soothing.

That evening, after exhausting ourselves with our festive activities, all of us fell onto the sofa. I had Esti under my arm and Daniel laying on top of me. They both fell asleep while we watched a Christmas film.

 

‘Dovid, _gut Shabbes_.’

‘Ronit, you are back.’ Dovid said, as I invited him into the flat the next morning.

I laughed. ‘You sound almost disappointed.’

‘No, not at all.’ He kept his coat on, his beard had flecks of snow in it. ‘Where is Daniel?’

‘Esti’s just getting him dressed. Come and sit, do you want tea?’

‘No, thank you.’

‘How is everything?’

‘Fine, thank you.’ He cleared his throat. ‘I- ah- assume Esti told you about the incident in the synagogue.’

I went to the kitchen and clicked the kettle on anyway. ‘She did.’ I spoke with a grin. ‘How was that?’

‘You can… probably imagine Moshe’s face.’

‘I have been imagining, and I think I’ll continue to do so for the rest of my life.’

Daniel bounded into the living room and ran into Dovid’s arms. There were some pleasantries exchanged between Esti and Dovid, but then Dovid told us he was in a rush, so he left quite swiftly with our boy, but not before Daniel gave both of us a hug and a kiss.

‘Where were you thinking of getting the tree from?’ Esti yawned, standing behind me in the kitchen as I tried to make tea. Her fingers lightly touched the small of my back and I felt her lips on my nape.

‘There’s a stall in Portobello.’ I turned and kissed her, wrapping my arms around her neck. ‘Did you want to get it now?’

‘Shall we have our tea first?’

I nodded, whilst stroking her waist. ‘I have to tell you something. Well, a few things actually.’

‘Oh?’

‘Mm.’

‘Should I… be scared?’

‘Not at all.’ I tucked her hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead. ‘It’s all really, really good.’

She looked up at me expectantly, her brow knitted slightly.

‘So, first of all, I booked Paris.’

‘You did?’ She smiled reflexively, showing her teeth. ‘For when?’

‘We leave tomorrow evening-’

‘Tomorrow evening?’

‘Yep. And we come back next Thursday. We will be in the Shangri-La hotel,’ I kissed her again, thinking about the room I’d booked. ‘With a room that directly faces the Eiffel Tower.’

‘Oh, Ronit.’ Her lips opened, and her hands rose to cup my face.

‘Mm.’ We were standing so close now, she was pressed against me; the tea on the counter was over-steeping behind me.

She suddenly pulled back, frowning. ‘But, you’re going to Budapest on Thursday?’

‘That’s something else I needed to tell you. I’m not going to Budapest anymore.’

‘You’re not?’ I could see the happiness swelling in Esti’s eyes, it was triggering a dizzy joy in my brain. ‘How did you… what did Holly say?’

‘It was her decision.’

‘But… why? I thought she loved you going away.’

‘Well, that leads me to the _last_ thing I need to tell you.’

‘What is it?’

I paused for a moment. ‘I quit my job, Esti.’

She stepped back. ‘You… quit?’

I was nodding, holding my lips together to stop myself from beaming. Her expression was difficult to gauge; she looked happy, confused, concerned and also relieved.

‘What… when? What will you do?’

‘I quit yesterday, just before I left. Holly was… livid. I have to see out the month, but she revoked all of my trips – I think she thought she was punishing me.’

‘But what… will you do for money?’

‘I still get Billy’s rent every month, that’ll pay the mortgage.’ I continued to stroke her hair as the smell of the brewing, bitter tea floated around us. ‘I have a lot of savings. You know, it’s amazing how much money you can put away when you live like a spinster for a decade or two.’ That made her snigger nervously. ‘And, you know… I get a _lot_ of freelance offers that I just could never take up because of the contract I was on. Now, I’ll be able to pick and choose what I want to do. I won’t have to work for someone else. And the most important thing is…. I won’t have to leave you and Daniel anymo-’

She flew for me, her lips pressed against mine. I lifted her up slightly as we continued to kiss for a few minutes, caressing each other’s hair and faces.

‘You’re… incredible.’ Her eyes were skimming my entire face, they paused when she found my eyes. ‘And I’ll support you. As much as you need and want, I’ll support you.’

‘I know you will.’

I saw her mouth twitch; her hands were still on my cheeks. ‘I love you so much.’

‘I love you too.’ We embraced each other, and I inhaled the scent of her hair, that floral smell that always filled me with nostalgia. ‘The tea is ruined darling; shall we just get the tree now?’

 

We bought the greenest tree there was and dragged it most of the short distance from Portobello Road. When we got to the flat, I carried the heavy end, supporting the trunk and Esti held the top. Trying to manoeuvre and pivot a six-foot, spiky, Christmas tree up quite a narrow set of steps was an interesting experience; we were both in stitches by the time we got it inside.

We heaved it into the base and tightened the bolts until it was up straight. We cut down the wrap around it and pressed down the branches, and soon the smell of fresh pine filled the flat.

‘It’s beautiful.’ Esti stood back to appreciate it; her mouth was partly open. ‘It’s strange, but I think… I really like it.’

‘I’m very glad. I can’t wait to decorate it when Daniel’s bac-’

The doorbell rang out loudly and we both frowned at each other. ‘Are you expecting anyone?’ Esti asked me, making her way to the door.

‘No, I- don’t think so. It’s okay darling, I’ll get it.’ I went instead, leaving her in the living room. I buzzed the main door and waited on the landing. I heard slow footsteps climbing the steps; I saw the tip of a blonde head rising and when I saw her face, my stomach burned with acidic rage.

‘Oh, hi Ronit.’ Beth said, quite brightly.

I was stunned into silence for a minute. ‘Don’t fucking ‘hi Ronit’ me.' I said finally. 'What the fuck are you doing h-’

‘What’s going on?’ I heard Esti behind me. ‘Oh-’

Beth’s hands were up in a defensive stance. ‘I just came to see Esti-’

‘That’s pretty fucking brazen of you-’ My voice was raised, and I was stepping towards her. ‘Why don’t you do yourself a favour and get-’

‘You should calm down-’ Beth said back to me; I felt my neck extend as my heart raged in my chest.

‘Can we do this inside please?’ Esti interrupted me with a hand on my arm. ‘I don’t want the neighbours to hear-’ 

‘I don’t want her in my house.’ I hadn’t taken my eyes off Beth; we were both glowering at each other.

‘Please, Ronit.’ Esti whispered.

I hesitated. With every passing second, I felt a fury scolding my veins. Finally, I scowled and turned; Beth followed us inside, closing the door quietly behind her. She stepped towards the living room.

‘No, you can stand there.’ I ordered, pointing to where she was stood, right by the door. Esti and I were stood shoulder to shoulder; Beth was in front of us, she was only looking at Esti now.

‘I was hoping to speak with you, alone.’ Beth said.

‘Good fucking luck with that.’ I scoffed as my chin pushed out and the muscles in my cheeks flexed.

‘Anything you want to say to me Beth, you’ll say it in front of Ronit as well.’ Esti said incredibly calmly, I felt a rush of gratitude for her.

Beth was nodding, she sighed. ‘I’m going back to Essex today for Christmas, and… I won’t be coming back to school after the holidays.’

‘Good riddance.’ I spat through a tight jaw.

‘Beth,’ Esti spoke firmer than before. ‘You didn’t need to come here to tell me that.’

‘I suppose… I just wanted… to see you one last time.’

‘Well you’ve seen her, now fuck off.’

Beth looked as though she wasn’t listening to a word I was saying. I couldn’t believe my eyes when the next action unfolded. She physically stepped towards Esti with her arms stretched out, as though to hug her. Wrath carried me forward, I stepped in front of Esti and my face bent towards Beth’s.

‘Are you fucking joking?’

‘What is your problem, Ronit?’ Beth sneered.

‘ _You’re_ my fucking problem, Beth.’ Our faces were close, but there was nothing but sparks of hatred between us. ‘Nothing else you want to say while you’re here? Maybe an apology? For mauling her outside the social club? Forcing yourself on her?’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking abo-’

‘Like fuck you don’t.’ I was so close to her now that I could smell coffee on her breath, I saw her eyes were the colour of old, grey dishwater. ‘You know… I don’t know if you’re being brave or if you’re just fucking stupid.’

She tried to look over my shoulder. ‘Esti-’

‘No, don’t try and weasel past me. You’ve said your piece, now get out.’

‘Esti-’ Beth said again, but I heard Esti speak behind me.

‘You should leave, Beth.’ Esti spoke clearly, I felt a pulse of confidence in her tone.

Beth’s face changed, it completely fell. It was joyous to behold. ‘Fine.’ She turned and went to leave.

‘Send us a postcard, won’t you?’ I shouted before she slammed the door shut. ‘Jesus Christ.’ I slumped forward, feeling the adrenaline still flooding my entire body. Esti’s hand stroked up my spine.

‘Thank you.’ She mumbled.

‘She’s mental.’ I said, still breathing unevenly and feeling a sharp tingle of goosebumps on my scalp.

‘Thank you.’ Esti repeated, her hands met in front of me. I turned in her arms and kissed her head. I enveloped her, protecting her.

‘At least you don’t have to leave school.’ 

‘That is good.’ Her voice muffled into my jumper.

‘We couldn't let Daniel have two unemployed mothers.’

I felt her laugh against my neck. I felt calm again.

 

Dovid returned with a cold, red-nosed Daniel that evening. He loved the tree but Dovid wasn’t entirely impressed. But his face softened, and he smiled genuinely through his icy beard when Daniel showed him the Chanukah decorations for it. Dovid even helped Daniel put the bright blue Star of David topper on the very tip of the tree.

‘It’s a respectable balance.’ I overheard Dovid say to Esti while I was decorating the rest of the tree with Daniel.

‘It was all Ronit’s idea.’ Esti replied.

Esti also told Dovid that we were taking a spontaneous trip to Paris for a few days; he didn’t seem surprised.

‘Ronit’s idea as well, I imagine?’ He chuckled over one of the _latkes_ Esti had given him.

‘Actually, that was my idea.’ Esti replied, smiling at me.

When he eventually left, Esti and I told Daniel that we were going on holiday the next day and he got very excited. I ordered a pizza and we ate dinner together on the island and told him all about Paris.

‘They eat frogs there, Daniel.’ Esti said.

‘Yeuck.’ He'd crinkled his face up. ‘Tha’ gross.’

‘They eat snails too.’ I interjected.

He was giggling now. ‘They do not!’

‘They do!’ Esti and I said in unison.

After dinner, Esti packed suitcases for her and Daniel while I packed my own. It felt exhilarating packing for a trip that I’d be taking with them instead of alone. I felt so light and happy that I couldn’t sleep properly that night. Instead I listened to Esti’s steady breathing for a long time, in an attempt to settle. The sky was pitch black, and it must have been incredibly late but with my finely attuned ears, I heard a patter of light footsteps outside our bedroom. The handle dipped slowly, and Daniel poked his head around the door.

‘Hello.’ I spoke quietly.

‘I can’t sleep mum.’ Daniel said, his voice slightly louder than mine. I could only make out his silhouette. He was clutching Peter the teddy to his side and rubbing his eyes.

‘Oh dear. That’s no good. I can’t either.’ I sat up and turned to look at Esti, who was still deep in slumber. ‘Do you want to sleep in our bed?’

Daniel nodded keenly and ran over, his feet slapping against the wooden floor. He clambered onto the bed and shuffled under the duvet between Esti and me, giggling softly as he did so.

‘Shh,’ I whispered, though I was smiling. ‘Mummy’s sleeping.’

‘Shh.’ He brought a finger to his lips.

‘That’s it.’

With all three of our heads on the pillows, and the sound of Esti’s breathing and the almost immediate start of Daniel’s small snuffles, I started to feel drowsy. I thought about Paris and I drifted off.


	33. The Holiday

Nothing could have ever prepared me for Paris. Seeing a place that you’ve always dreamt of, experiencing it with someone you’ve always dreamt of… it made the air freeze around me, it made my fingers and toes tingle constantly with a nervous joy. The moment we arrived at our hotel on Sunday evening, the moment we entered our room… that was the first of many breaths I’d be robbed of on that trip.

‘What did I tell you?’ Ronit asked, sliding her suitcase next to the bed. She went to the tall double doors and flung them open, flooding the room with the Parisian twilight chill. We stepped onto the terrace together; if I reached out, I swore my fingers would touch the Eiffel Tower.

Ronit checked her watch and lifted Daniel up, so that he could see over the ledge.

‘Very high!’ He shouted.

‘It’s very high. You must never, _ever_ climb up here, okay?’ Ronit told him, tapping the side. He was nodding but I was still craning my neck, absorbed. I felt Ronit’s hand on my waist.

‘It’s so beautiful.’ I muttered.

‘It’s going to light up soon.’ She said. ‘Did you want to go and find dinner, or do you want to eat here?’

‘Let’s go out.’ I turned to her, I think she saw the emotion teeming in my eyes. She leant in and kissed me. Daniel blew a raspberry in protest.

She led us to the Metro and said that she wanted to take us to _Chez Marceau_ , a small French restaurant just a stone’s throw from the _Arc de Triomphe_.

‘It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, but I think it’s this way.’ She was holding my hand and I held Daniel’s, as we walked along a road that reminded me so much of London, the familiar smell of car exhaust and dry, crisp winter air accompanied us the entire way.

‘When did you come here?’ I enquired, stroking her hand with my thumb.

‘I’ve been a few times, but the last was… Christ, I think it was 2010? 2011?’

I thought about what I would have been doing then. A newlywed to Dovid. I had delayed our wedding for so long, trying to put it off as much as I could, but I couldn’t hold him off forever and we wed in the summer of 2010. I didn’t mention it.

We were tired by the end of the meal, we’d feasted well on three types of strong cheese, honey-roast duck confit and sautéed potatoes with bacon. Ronit had also ordered several different red wines for us to sample so my brain was groggy but joyful. We went back to the Metro, and I realised something as we sat on the musky, graffiti-carved carriage.

‘Ronit?’

‘Mm?’

‘We’ve been here for a few hours, and you haven’t ordered a taxi yet. Are you okay? Do you have a temperature?’ I gently placed the back of my hand on her forehead.

She scoffed and stroked Daniel’s hair as he sat on her lap falling asleep. ‘You can’t drive anywhere in Paris, Esti. You'll figure that out soon.’

We walked from the station back to the _Shangri-La_ ; Ronit insisted she carry Daniel as he’d fallen asleep with his head on her shoulder, but she still held my hand. The Eiffel Tower had lit up a path for us; millions of gold sparkles led us to the grand entrance of the hotel. She dressed him in his pyjamas as he whined and snivelled slightly from tiredness; his single bedroom was as decadent as ours. I looked in just as she was pulling his covers up and tucking his teddy under his chin.

Afterwards we stood out on the terrace together, even though it was freezing.

‘I love how much you love him.’ I said, the words swirling into clouds of heat hitting the icy air. She didn’t reply, but her cold fingers entwined with mine as we looked out over our small corner of Paris.

 

The next few days were tiring; Ronit had been right, Paris was a city of walking. But it was rewarding nonetheless and our days were filled with exploration. Ronit seemed to know what to do with every minute of every day, each facet of her plans weaved together seamlessly. I don’t know if she’d been researching, or if she had retained some residual memory of the city but it worked, and it was all so… easy.

We spent all of our days in the city centre. We would wake late, though Daniel came into our bedroom early each morning and dozed with us on our soft bed while the sounds of busy Paris bustled under our terrace. On the Monday morning, Ronit ordered breakfast to our room and we drank coffee and ate cantaloupe melon and buttery pastries on the terrace, because the weather was mild enough and the slow rising sun had warmed our side of the hotel.

Ronit and Daniel continued to give me that overpowering halt of breath; I sat there watching the two of them on our first morning, Daniel on Ronit’s lap, both of them bundled in the thick, cotton dressing gowns the hotel had provided. I still struggled to believe that they’d only known each other a few months, because they looked so right together; they looked so comfortable.

‘ _Bonjour_.’ Ronit said slowly.

‘Bon-shure.’ Daniel repeated, watching her mouth.

‘ _Bien_!’

‘Bee-yen.’

' _Comment tu t'appelles_?'

'Comm-two... pell.'

‘Ah, well done!' Ronit hugged him. 'We have a smart _garçon_ here, Esti.’

‘You’re doing a very good job, Audrey.’

Ronit threw her head back and laughed. ‘You wish.’

I stroked her knee, and smiled ahead, catching the winter sun on my face as it shone above the tower in front of us.

After that, we got washed and dressed and made our way outside. It seemed the entire city had been drowned in Christmas lights and decorations; everywhere we turned we were faced with reindeers, elves, toys in window displays, chocolates; the red, green and gold colours dazzled me.

We went to the Luxembourg Gardens and Daniel ran through the surprisingly colourful and blooming flowers that were somehow still flourishing in the winter, while Ronit and I strolled behind him. We visited an indulgent number of patisseries and ate cream-filled chocolate eclairs. We found a _boulangerie_ close to the Louvre that we returned to every day after we discovered the most delicious avocado, mozzarella and tomato sandwich there. I’d never seen Daniel eat anything so quickly.

We visited the _City of Science & Industry_, and took Daniel to the _City of Children_ inside, which was a giant interactive play-area filled with other excited, screeching children. He climbed, crawled and played all afternoon and we didn’t have the heart to pull him away until we absolutely had to go and find dinner. That night he fell asleep on my lap while in the restaurant. It was my turn to carry him back.

‘This has been amazing, Ronit.’ I told her on the Tuesday evening, as we laid in bed, our faces almost touching. I could smell the moisturiser on her skin.

‘It’s not over yet.’

I allowed myself to stare into her eyes. ‘I’m so lucky.’

‘I’m the lucky one, Esti.’

My heart fluttered, and I nudged forward slightly so that our lips could touch, she opened her mouth and we shared a deep kiss. It didn’t take me long to feel that twinge of longing. I lowered my hand under the sheet and tucked my hand into her underwear. She gasped and held my wrist reflexively.

‘Your fingers are so cold.’ She said through partly gritted teeth.

‘My tongue isn’t cold.’ I retorted quickly.

‘Oh,’ her eyes dropped to my lips, her grip on my wrist loosened. ‘Well… I suppose if that’s the only option we have.’

‘You don’t mind?’ I kissed her, smiling.

‘I suppose it’ll have to do.’ She feigned exasperation and kissed me back. I moved onto my hands and knees above her.

I tried to convey, in each kiss and nip of her skin as I worked my way down her body how grateful I was for her. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her with my teeth, how much she meant to me with my tongue, and how I couldn’t imagine life without her with my lips.

Her skin was cool; her nipples were stiff as my mouth closed over them. I tried desperately to keep my cold hands off her sensitive skin and planted them to the bedsheets either side of her; she moaned my name quietly as her fingers gripped my hair. I moved further down, my tongue trailed over her jutting hip, over the pale taut skin of her stomach. I played with her until I reached the snowy, velvet skin between her legs. But I didn’t immediately let my mouth go where she most needed it. I waited a moment, taking her in. I very gently kissed her clit and made her jump; then I allowed my tongue to stroke her. I could never wait as long as she could.

I worked up a consistent motion with my jaw and she started raising her hips, so more of my mouth was on her. I moaned inside her. She had a way of filling me with confidence when I did this; with every jerk, every twitch, every muffled groan that left her lips, every time she gasped my name.

She raised her legs and I felt her feet press against my back, her thighs tightened around my head and her fingers tangled in my hair and pulled me closer. She was moaning quietly with each rhythmic grind of her hips against my mouth.

I couldn’t help but look up; her eyes were closed, and her head was pressed back against the pillow. I saw her mouth open, her throat constricted with pleasure, I saw her breasts heaving with every shallow, shuddering breath she took, her stomach rising in tandem as she rocked closer and closer to climax. I felt her on the cusp, I felt her clit under my tongue, twitching with every flick and caress. I took all of her into my mouth and her entire body convulsed, one hand holding the headboard and the other still supporting my head. In my head, I heard the loud, urgent moan she would have made if we’d been alone.

I savoured her with my tongue. I lapped at her and swallowed everything as she lay there whimpering.

‘Esti,’ she panted. ‘Esti, come here.’

I kissed my way up her body, my wet chin dampening her skin. She grabbed my face and her tongue licked the inside of my mouth. I groaned, and she flipped me onto my back.

 

On Wednesday morning, we woke up exhausted. Nevertheless, we made our way to the _Champs-Élysées_ Christmas market in the early afternoon. I bought all three of us warm, fruit-filled crêpes, Ronit and I a mulled wine and Daniel a hot chocolate with whipped cream. Ronit bought Daniel a wooden soldier and he didn’t put it down for the whole day. As it was our last full day, we took the opportunity to relax; it was more than welcome, as I worked out that Ronit and I had roughly an hours’ sleep the night before.

‘That was- was intense.’ I had wheezed, very early that morning with my hand on her clammy shoulder blades.

She laughed, her hot breath beat against my shimmering ribs. ‘That’s Paris.’

On our last evening, we went to a five-star gourmet restaurant that also catered well for children. Our six-course meal came out quickly, and we were waited on hand and foot. Ronit took to it as though she were entirely used to that kind of treatment; she even spoke a little bit of French to the _maître d'_. I couldn't help but be impressed.

I couldn’t explain what we’d eaten, every meal was so small and indistinguishable that I could only describe it as intensely flavourful. Towards the end, after I’d argued I pay half and after she’d refused me and paid the entirety of the bill, I noticed that she was quiet. We got the Metro back to the hotel, and I held onto Daniel, who was making up some nonsense story, but she seemed distracted and she wasn’t engaging very much. Naturally, I started to panic. I worried that perhaps she was having second thoughts; that taking us both on holiday had changed her mind or something else horrible that I didn’t want to acknowledge.

‘Are you all right?’ I finally asked her after we’d put Daniel to bed. I touched her arm and she turned to look at me; her mouth was pursed in an odd way that I couldn’t decipher.

‘I’m fine darling.’ She stroked my face and smiled. ‘Shall we go and watch the lights?’

I nodded and went with her. It was something we’d done each night before bed, shared a glass of wine on the terrace to warm us while we watched the Eiffel Tower light up for five glorious minutes; the golden lights had a whimsical way of making everything seem right, they calmed me entirely.

We put our coats on and Ronit opened the doors; we stepped out, the biting air thieved my breath. She stood with her hands resting on the ledge, looking up at the tower; she looked contemplative. I checked my watch, we had another minute or two before they started.

‘Sorry, I forgot the wine.’ She turned around and stroked my arm. ‘Would you mind getting it?’

‘Oh, yes, of course.’ I went back into the gloriously warm room and grabbed the open bottle of red we’d started the night before; I picked up two glasses with my other hand and went back outside.

I placed everything onto the table and I was just about to pour when my eyes adjusted to the low light and I noticed Ronit was kneeling.

‘Did you drop something?’ I asked, my eyes glanced to the floor around her, the bottle was still in my hand.

‘Esti,’ her voice shook.

‘What’s wrong? What’re you…’

‘Esti,’ she said my name again, she was gazing up at me; a small turquoise box sat in her hand. I felt a swell in my throat and slowly put the bottle down.

‘Ronit. What’re you doing?’

‘Esti, these… these past few months with you and Daniel… have fixed me-’

‘Ronit-’

‘-and I meant it – the other night when I said I wanted it forever.’

Painful goosebumps pricked my neck and the top of my scalp. The lights of the Eiffel Tower suddenly lit up, I heard a cheer below the terrace. I tried to swallow, but I couldn’t.

‘Ronit, if you’re joking I-’

‘I’m not joking, Esti.’ She shook her head, her smile glowed in the gilded light of the tower next to us.

‘If you’re,’ I choked slightly. ‘If you’re doing- this for me- because you feel like you have to- or you think I need it-’

‘I’m doing it because _I_ need it, Esti. Because I want it, desperately. I want you. I want Daniel. I want everything. Forever.’

‘But what- what about… institutional obligation?’ I was shaking. I was surprised I could talk because I could barely think.

‘I want to be institutionally obliged to you.’ A small laugh shot from my mouth and she took a deep breath. ‘So, Esti Maya Halper-’

I fought weakly against a sob, I felt my bottom lip shivering.

‘-will you marry me?’

I felt the tears flow before I could control them. ‘Yes, Ronit.’ I dropped to my knees and kissed her. ‘Yes, it’s always- it's always been yes.’ Her arms wrapped around me and I heard her exhale. I was glad we were both in our coats, because my face was so wet with tears I would’ve soaked her.

‘Is that- is that a _Tiffany’s_ ring?’ I forced out through the tears.

‘Yes.’ She laughed. ‘I- I got it when I bought your necklace.’

I wept more then. ‘I c-can’t believe you.’

I couldn’t tell if she was laughing or crying, but she was quivering. We clung to each other, kneeling on the floor of the hotel balcony until the lights of the tower turned off and we were submerged into a hazy darkness.


	34. Epilogue: Three Years Later

The flat was dim and chilly, I heard the leafless autumn trees rustling outside the kitchen window as I trod silently past Daniel’s old bedroom, slowly approaching the door that used to lead to my studio. I depressed the handle and the door creaked open slightly. I saw him sleeping on the bed with his arms stretched over his pillow above his head, his nose made a little noise when I stepped inside. I tiptoed over to him, and I immediately started tickling his ribs with gusto.

‘First day of big school! First day of big school!’ I yelled as he bolted up and started chuckling hysterically.

‘Mum! Stop! Stop!’ He tried to wrestle away from me, but I lifted him up and swung him around.

‘First day of big school! I’m so excited! Are you excited?’

‘Mummy, help!’ His excitable yelps called out for Esti, who eventually appeared in the doorframe.

‘Esti, tell him how excited I am.’ I spun around, with Daniel in my arms; he was so heavy now.

‘Mum has been very excited, Daniel.’ Esti sighed with a tired grin. ‘At least you didn’t have to try and sleep next to her all night, darling. Tossing and turning constantly.’ She had walked into the room and kissed my shoulder.

‘Well forgive me, but I am just _so_ excited that someone is starting big school today! Are you excited?’ I asked Daniel again.

‘I’m hungry.’ He yawned and touched my face.

We made breakfast, buttered toast and cereal, and both Esti and I tried to ask him what he was most looking forward to, if he was looking forward to seeing his friends, if he was excited to meet his teachers, but we didn’t get much out of him. He was at a peculiar age now, where he didn’t talk much about himself but mostly made up stories and told us all about superheroes he loved.

Esti got him dressed in his uniform while I packed his lunch. His new school wasn’t far from our flat; but it was one of the best primary schools in London. Esti and I had decided on it years before; we both agreed it would be best if he didn’t go to her school.

Esti showered and dressed first, while I helped Daniel choose a book to take in; his first piece of homework was to bring in one of his favourite books, that his teacher would eventually read out to the whole class.

‘What about this one?’ I said, holding up a Spider-Man comic that he adored.

‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘That’s too angry.’

‘Mummy said that, didn’t she?’

‘No. I said it.’ He said, and I laughed.

‘Sorry, that just really sounds like something mummy would say. What about the dinosaur book?’

‘No, that’s for babies.’

‘Oh, but you _loved_ that book.’

‘When I was a baby, mum.’

‘You’ll always be my baby. What about this one?’ I held up another comic, but he ignored me.

‘I want this one.’ He had picked up _Are You My Mother?_ The book about the baby bird who lost his mother; after his obsession with it, Esti had bought him his own hardback copy.

‘You want to take this one?’ I asked, slightly surprised; we hadn’t read it in a while.

‘Yes.’

‘Okay, entirely your choice.’ I packed the book into his backpack along with his water bottle and lunchbox.

Esti came out of the bedroom, wearing a baggy jumper and jeans; her hair was still damp.

‘How do you manage to look so beautiful in that?’ I kissed her as I passed her on my way to the bathroom. I got washed and dressed, and soon we were walking Daniel to school; I was by far the giddiest. He was in between us, holding our hands and jumping over the cracks in the pavement.

‘Will you pick me up after?’ He asked.

‘We absolutely will.’ Esti said.

‘And then we’ll get sweets?’ His voice was inflected with hope.

‘Hmm.’

‘It is a special day.’ I said.

‘I think we’ll definitely have to get sweets, won’t we? And a special meal tonight, anything you want.’

‘Yes!’ Daniel jumped up, his school tie flapped over his shoulder as it caught in the breeze. ‘Pizza!’

 When we got to the school, I took a few photos of Daniel outside the gates, I took some of him with Esti as well.

‘Why don’t we frame one of those for Dovid?’ I asked as we walked away, holding my camera with one hand and Esti’s hand with the other. Both of us were slightly emotional when Daniel marched into the school with the rest of his class, so I tried to change the subject.

‘He’d love that.’ She sniffed. ‘Oh, I forgot to say, Audrey messaged this morning; she’s in London. I told her to come and see us.’

We were almost home, but I had to detour to a paint shop on Chepstow Road. ‘That’s wonderful news, she can come to the meeting tomorrow.’

‘I think she’s probably here for pleasure.’ Esti was smiling now.

‘Meetings are a _form_ of pleasure, aren’t they? To be honest, she doesn’t need to be there at all, we just always get what we want when she is there.’

‘What’s the meeting about again?’

‘Our contract with _GloUp_ ; there’s some dispute over the terms of reference and their lawyers are coming into bust us over the commercial event clause and- oh, this is incredibly boring.' I squeezed her hand. 'I’m not at work, you’re not at work. Let’s enjoy our day, shall we?’

‘I’m still very proud of you, you know.’

‘For what?’

‘Just… everything. How successful it’s all been, getting these big contracts.’

‘Oh, this one was all Liam. Once he got his dad onside it was a breeze. And the _Le Doux_ contract was all Audrey.’

‘You’re undermining yourself again.’

‘I know… but I only do it so that you’ll keep stroking my ego.’

She pulled her hand away and scoffed, but she eventually returned to holding it.

I picked up a litre tin of duck egg paint that we’d run out of a few nights ago, and on our way back we got some coffee and warm sourdough bread for lunch. When we got back to the flat, Esti went to make sandwiches while I took the tin straight into the small room, Daniel’s old room; it smelled like new furniture and fresh paint.

I rested the tin on the plastic-covered chest of drawers and allowed my fingers to run along the smooth wood of the cot I’d impatiently built two weeks ago; I looked up at the mostly finished paint job on the walls, at the animal mobile we’d fitted to the side of the crib and the soft toys that already lined the shelves; I took a deep breath. Esti entered noiselessly and stood next to me, I stared at her face and then her stomach, placing my hand gently on it.

‘It’s just… such a small bump. I can’t get over it.’ I commented, stroking the material of her jumper with my thumb.

‘It’s just like Daniel.’ She spoke softly, looking down. ‘He was such a small baby.’

‘She’s going to be so tiny, isn’t she?’ My eyes still fixed on her protruding abdomen.

‘She’ll be the tiniest thing you’ll ever see.’

I leant in and kissed her. ‘I can’t wait to meet her.’

‘Just a few weeks now.’ She stroked my cheek, I felt the cool metal of her wedding ring on my skin and I kissed her hand. I felt a surge of emotion.

‘Shall we let Daniel name her?’ I asked, with my lips pressed against her palm.

‘Definitely. But you’ll be the one writing ‘Ironman’ on the birth certificate.’

I snickered and turned back to the room, but held onto her hand. ‘Ironman Krushka-Halper has a ring to it. I’m going to finish painting. Do you want to eat lunch in here?’

She nodded and went back to the kitchen, she returned a few minutes later with mozzarella and tomato sandwiches and our coffee. I painted while she watched me, I took the occasional break to eat and sip the strong, steaming coffee.

‘It is a lovely colour.’ Esti said at one point, wiping crumbs from her round stomach onto her plate.

‘I read that it’s supposed to be calming for babies.’

‘I think you’ll be the one who needs calming, sweetheart.’

‘And what is that supposed to mean?’ I turned, asking the question playfully.

‘I just… I can’t wait to see you change a nappy for the first time. It’s the only reason I agreed to have another one.’

We laughed together, but it was interrupted by the doorbell clanging out.

‘That… must be Audrey.’ Esti stood up, frowning.

‘She’s very early.’

‘She sounded excited when she messaged.’

‘She’s always excited, Esti.’ I chuckled as she left. I heard her open the door as I stepped down from the ladder, wiping traces of wet paint onto my t-shirt.

‘Esti!’ Audrey’s scream reverberated through the flat. ‘Look at you!’

‘Audrey! Hello!’

I stepped out of the bedroom just as they’d finished kissing cheeks.

‘Oh Ronit, your wife is glowing, _non_?’ She strode towards me and kissed me several times. ‘ _Belle, mes belles mamans!_ How are you both? Esti, you are just delightful, _mon Dieu_. Such a perfect _bébé_ already. Such a perfect bump.’ Audrey’s hands smoothed over Esti’s stomach and she cooed. She searched the floor around us. ‘Where is Daniel?’

‘He’s at school.’ Esti said.

‘First day of primary school.’ I added. ‘Come in Audrey, have a coffee.’

‘Ugh, of course, it is Monday. Primary school, you say? _École primaire_? Oh, he is growing into a man before our very eyes, _mamans_ , _non_? I am so sad I missed him, I do not know my days; I just came from New York, funnily enough. I would love an espresso, _ma chérie_.’

‘Oh, how is the place? And what were you doing there? You know I live here now, don’t you?’ I asked, pulling ground coffee from the freezer.

‘Oh, forever my witty Ronit. I was work, work, working, _mon trésor_.’ Audrey smirked as she followed me into the kitchen and sat down next to Esti. Audrey’s hand occasionally drifted to Esti’s stomach.

‘That’s good! Do you feel like work, work, working tomorrow? We have a meeting with _GloUp_ and I need you there.’

‘But of course.’

‘Really?’

‘Absolutely. That is one of the reasons I am back, _non_?’

‘You mean you actually read the emails I send you?’

Audrey tossed her head and giggled; she’d let her bright blonde hair grow out, so it fell past her shoulders now. ‘I endure _extremely_ long flights Ronit, sometimes your emails are the only thing that keep me going.’

‘How was New York, Audrey?’ Esti asked, leaning on the island with her elbows.

‘Esti, _ma beauté_ , it was mostly dire, but I had to go.’

‘Why’s that?’ Esti enquired.

‘Well… I had an impromptu meeting with Condé Nast.’

I dropped one of the espresso cups but caught it before it smashed onto the floor. ‘What were you doing there?’ I turned slowly as the question fell from my mouth. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Esti looking bewildered.

Audrey had her face in her hands, she was gleeful, her grin revealed her astounding smile. ‘I have big, bright news, Ronit.’

‘What did you do?’ I leant forward, my voice lowered.

‘They want to meet with you, with us, in London next month. They want our business… as it were.’

‘They _what_?’

‘What’s going on?’ Esti asked. ‘Is this good?’

‘Oh, it’s good, darling,’ I stuttered. ‘It’s- very, very good.’

‘What’s Condé Nast?’ Esti’s forehead was creased and she’d sat up straight.

‘It’s…’ my brain was flooding. ‘They own _Vogue_ , they own _Glamour, Vanity Fair, W, GQ_ … Jesus, Audrey, are you joking?’

‘ _Non, non, non, ma petite_. I only had to ask for Anna and we shared a mojito or two and I told her about us, about our business. She knew who you were, Ronit.’

‘Fucking hell, Audrey, this is huge.’ I uttered with a nervous laugh.

‘Tch, tch! Ronit!’ She clasped her hands to Esti’s stomach. ‘ _Les oreilles du bébé!_ Think of the baby’s ears. Esti, she doesn’t swear around the baby, does she?’

‘Only when she’s excited.’ Esti was staring at me, smiling now.

Audrey chuckled. ‘ _Très coquin_ , Esti. Naughty.’

‘When… what’s the… Anna Wintour… knows who I am?’

‘She spoke highly of you _ma chérie_ , she saw your spread in that German travel magazine. From your pictures in Berlin.’

‘ _Weist Reisen_? She saw that? But they were just… nothing, I took those just walking around.’

Audrey was nodding. ‘She thought differently. She said she liked your vision. Where is that espresso, _belle_?’

‘Sorry- sorry, I’m just… stunned.’

‘It was bound to happen, Ronit.’ Esti said, she hadn’t stopped staring at me. ‘It was bound to eventually.’

‘She is right.’ Audrey followed up. ‘You have worked very hard _non_?’

‘But- it’s just too good.’

‘Nothing is too good for my two _mamans_.’

I carried on making the coffees entirely dazed, as Esti and Audrey caught up and Audrey told her about her all about her London love. I only listened vaguely as I tried to control my heartbeat.

‘His name is Edward, Esti. How much more English could it be? He is so wonderful, he has that nervous British charm. He is so reserved in public, I just love pushing him.’

‘Where does he live?’

‘Chelsea. And you will never guess what he does?’

‘Oil baron?’

‘Hah, I wish. No, _ma beauté,_ he is an actor, can you believe?’

They laughed about that for some reason, I watched on smiling. My heart had calmed, though I still wasn’t entirely over the shock. In the space of a year or two, the idea of establishing my own agency had grown from the company getting small, odd jobs to being recognised and approached by bigger publications from the help of Liam, his father and Audrey. And now we had a potential meeting with arguably the biggest giant in print media. I felt slightly nauseous, I wanted to talk about business, but I kept it at bay.

‘When does Daniel finish school?’ Audrey asked, interrupting herself. ‘I do very much want to see the miracle of his mother’s faces in his.’

‘We’re leaving around 3. You can come with us if you want?’ Esti suggested. ‘He’d love to see you.’

‘I think I will… Edward can wait. Oh!’ She jumped up from her stool and ran back towards the door, she rummaged in her carry-on suitcase and pulled out a gift bag. ‘How could I forget? I got you something, for the _bébé_.’

‘Oh, thank you, Audrey.’ She handed it to Esti, who looked at me as if to offer it to me.

‘You open it.’ I encouraged her, and she grinned and tore the thin sticker from the top.

‘Oh, wow. Audrey…’

‘It is only small, but now she will look just like her aunt Audrey, _non_?’

Esti pulled out two newborn bodysuits; both of them were navy and white striped, with white collars, almost exactly matching the shirt Audrey was wearing today. Esti then pulled out a small red beret that was a duplicate of Audrey’s own that she wore regularly, except this one was small enough to fit a baby’s head. Lastly, she pulled out a cropped, faux fur grey coat.

‘We’re having a French baby, Esti!’ I hollered as I made my way to Audrey; I pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheek. ‘Thank you, _belle_.’ I said.

‘Oh, it is nothing. I am simply projecting myself.’ She pulled back and tapped my nose.

‘Project away.’ Esti said, stroking the coat. ‘These are so beautiful. I’ll go and put them in her room.’

‘Oh! I _must_ see her room.’

Audrey followed Esti towards the bedroom and I heard her moan and coo and exclaim loudly, and I caught myself reflecting.

For some reason I started to think about Esti’s first message to me; the one I had read on my bed in New York. I’d been eating Chinese food alone on 4th July weekend, when her name cropped up out of the blue. I allowed the thought to transpire and soon I was thinking about the time I picked her and Daniel up from the airport, he was so much younger then. I thought about the first kiss we’d shared in my apartment; the desperate, anticipated kiss I was dying for. I thought about holding her hand in the museum and sitting with them both on the beach.

I remembered her saying ‘I love you’ and I remembered eventually saying it back. It was like we had been teenagers all over again, leaping into something we didn’t understand and didn’t know the outcome of, but not caring because we were doing it together.

I thought about surprising her outside of the school; I don’t think I’d ever forget her face when she saw me. I thought about the huge sum of money I’d spent on buying a house for the three of us, and how it didn’t bother me at all.

I remembered the fear clutching my heart when I proposed to her in Paris; the terror that she would reject me because she had every right to - every stupid comment I’d ever made on marriage throughout my life played through my head before I’d got onto one knee.

I remembered the indescribable ecstasy I’d felt when she said ‘yes’. And I remembered making love to her afterwards, while the lights of the Eiffel Tower made our bedroom as bright as the sun.

I thought of our wedding day; the quiet ceremony, just her, me, and Daniel. I recalled how beautiful she’d looked, and how I could barely speak the vows I’d written. I remembered taking in her entire face when we pledged ourselves to each other; seeing the tears well in her eyes after we each said, ‘I do’.

I thought of our honeymoon; when I’d taken her to a private villa in Bali, just for a week because we couldn’t be away from Daniel for long. We made love by the pool and in the jacuzzi and the bedroom, the shower, the kitchen, everywhere. We were insatiable, we still are insatiable. I suppose we’re still making up for lost time.

I remembered getting back, and us talking about making our family bigger, seeing doctors and discussing the options. I recalled the day Esti told me she was pregnant. I’d bawled with joy.

And now, Esti was so close to her due date, and in a few weeks, I’d be in the hospital with her. We’d be able to hold our newborn daughter in our arms, we’d be able to smell her, to kiss her. Daniel would be able to meet his sister, to grow up with her, to protect her.

As I stood there in our kitchen, I thought about every night since Esti had told me she was pregnant, how each night I’d go to sleep with my hand over her stomach feeling small movements from the life inside her.

I thought of something my father used to say to me.

_‘Will you grow old, alone? Will you grow old with no family, no joys? The path you are on, Ronit, is a very lonely one.’_

I’d believed him. Like some self-fulfilling prophecy I took his words and tried to run from them. I tried to run away from everything, ironically creating the loneliest possible existence for myself.

But then something changed. My life transformed, and I realised now.

I wasn’t going to grow old and alone.

I was going to grow old raising my children with the love of my life.

I’d grow old knowing that we were raising them with the freedom of choice, the freedom of opportunity, in a household filled with love and acceptance. A household neither of us had before.

I felt a tear sting my eye as I stood there, listening to Audrey and Esti talk in the other room, because I knew that I would grow old surrounded by family.

‘Ronit?’ Esti had come into the kitchen. ‘Audrey mentioned a walk, if you wanted to go?’

‘That sounds lovely.’ She stood in front of me and I rested a hand on her stomach. I looked into her eyes.

‘Are you okay? You look sad.’

‘I’m not sad. I just love you, that’s all.’

‘Oh,’ she smiled, and our eyes locked together. ‘I love you too.’

I kissed her softly, and she kissed me back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _______
> 
> What a journey we've been on.
> 
> I want to take this opportunity to once again thank all of you for your constant support of this fic. The comments, kudos and compliments have been entirely overwhelming.
> 
> I am also very sad this story has come to an end, but they deserved a happy ending.
> 
> I have been thinking a lot about this fandom, and I keep getting flashes of inspiration stemming from the teenage years of Ronesti. I think after a short break, I will try and write some of that - if you want to read it, of course.
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for everything.
> 
> I hope you've enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> CN


	35. The Honeymoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were content with the ending of this fanfiction, and you don't feel the need for any contextless smut, please stop reading now.
> 
> If you'd like some smut, please continue.

The flight from Heathrow was a long one; we’d paid extra for business class but by the time we arrived in Bali in the evening, we were still dazed and bleary-eyed. I held her hand when we waited outside the airport for a taxi; I couldn’t stop thumbing the silver band on my ring finger, and I often noticed Esti touching hers as well. Just light movements over it, mindless strokes of it while focusing on something else.

‘It’s hot, isn’t it?’ She asked through a long yawn, whilst in the back of the taxi.

‘Oh darling,’ I pulled her into a hug. ‘It is hot. There’ll be air con in the villa.’

‘Can we call Daniel when we get there?’

‘I was going to suggest the same thing.’ I checked my watch. ‘It’ll be around midday in London.’

She yawned again and let her head laze on my shoulder. We pulled up outside the villa after ten or fifteen minutes, we had to drive along a rough stretch of road to get there but it was worth it. I saw her eyes perk up. It was a beautiful building; encompassed by its own miniature rainforest, encasing us in our secret paradise, the pure white outer walls looked freshly painted, the flat roof, supported by giant bamboo pillars, stretched over a tiled front porch.

The first thing I noticed was the glimpse of the bright blue ocean view, beyond the dark green trees surrounding the front of the villa. Once we got inside, the cool air of the conditioning unit blasted us awake and with the fresh burst of energy, we explored.

The front door led straight into the gigantic, open plan living room; a leather corner sofa and large mahogany dining table hogged the majority of the room. The sofa sat in front of a thin, widescreen television that wouldn’t be watched at all while we were there. The spacious kitchen joined onto the living room; our footsteps mildly echoed as we stepped around the tall island, where a bottle of champagne in a metal ice bucket and two glass flutes had been placed on top.

‘Ronit...’ Esti said, grinning.

‘What is this?’ I asked, trying to sound surprised. ‘I don’t know how this got here… someone must have left it behind.’ I lifted the bottle slightly; the ice was mostly still solid. ‘I suppose we may as well drink it.’

‘Such a romantic.’ She purred, leaning on the counter.

‘Well,’ I started pulling the metal casing from around the top. ‘It is our honeymoon.’

Her eyebrows lifted slightly. ‘We’re… married, Ronit.’ Esti said, partially blocking her mouth with her fingers, as though she were trying to keep the words to herself.

‘We're married, Esti.’ I repeated as I twisted the cork. ‘Finally we can have sex!’ It popped out just as Esti started laughing.

‘We’ve been so good at waiting.’ She said, poorly feigning sincerity. ‘So patient.’

‘It’s definitely been a struggle.’ I poured the clear, fizzy liquid into the glasses and we sipped at it; the bubbles tickled my throat. ‘Shall we look at the rest of the place?’ I asked, desperate to see the ocean view at the back.

There was only one more room to see; the master bedroom with an en-suite attached to it. Esti admired the pure white bathroom with its granite, double sinks, huge walk-in shower and deep, wide bathtub while I gazed at the panoramic view offered by the ceiling-to-floor glass panels directly opposite our four-poster bed, which was draped on each side with thin, shimmering fabric.

The ocean stretched out for miles ahead of us, flirting with the thin line of the horizon. Immediately outside the glass door was the infinity pool and the jacuzzi, accompanied by a double lounger bed, shaded by a thatched canopy and low hanging foliage.

‘It’s so beautiful.’ Esti said, standing next to me.

‘It is.’ I took another sip of champagne and put my arm around her, allowing all of my senses to heighten; the taste and smell of the champagne, the feel of Esti nestled to me, the view in front of us and the sounds of bird calls in the trees. ‘Shall we call our boy?’

She nodded and we both laid down on the indulgent king size bed. I took my phone out and called Dovid; he still didn’t have much of a grasp on technology, so I had to make a call to his landline instead of a call that used data. When he answered I put him on speaker, the line was crackly.

‘Dovid Kuperman.’ He stated.

‘Dovid! It’s us, is Daniel there?’ I hurried, conscious of how much it would cost to call England.

‘Ronit.’ He sounded surprised. ‘Of course. How are you both?’

‘Tired, but we’re fine, thank you.’

He called for Daniel, and we heard his voice.

‘Mummies.’ He said brightly. It made both of us murmur softly.

‘Hello my lovely boy.’ Esti said, with a note of sadness. We spoke to him for several minutes, until the line grew too fractured and Daniel’s small voice dropped out for the fifth or sixth time. Eventually we said a rushed goodbye because he got bored with the bad quality and ran off. Afterwards I gave Esti a small smile and stroked her cheek.

‘He’s fine.’

‘I know.’ She kissed my wrist and my hand and my fingers; her eyes lingered on my wedding ring. ‘This... is wonderful. You’re wonderful.’

I shuffled to her so that our lips could touch, and she lowered a hand to my waist, pulling me slightly closer. The kiss we shared was sleepy and drowsy at first, with the tired enthusiasm one would expect after a fourteen-hour flight. It was like that until I opened my mouth slightly and her tongue gently eased in, creating a sudden need for more. I saw her eyebrows crease as she sighed and deepened her tongue, she tasted like champagne.

With our bodies closer together I slid my knee between her legs and rubbed against her, she gasped and pulled away, slightly out of breath.

‘I need a shower.’ She said, staring longingly at my lips.

‘So do I.’

She nodded and kissed me again. We sat up together, undressing each other and throwing the clothes around the room, her lips still locked to mine. We stumbled into the bathroom, still compelled by the ardent kisses that had taken us by surprise and stepped into the grand shower. There was a second while she stood behind me, her soft hands stroked my back as I turned the shower on; heavy streams of clear, refreshing water cascaded around us and soaked us instantly.

Esti sighed with pleasure when the water hit her, she tilted her head backwards and opened her mouth. I forced her against the cold, marbled walls and made her exhale loudly. My teeth sunk into her sweet-smelling neck and her nails dug into my back.

There were bottles of expensive gels and creams in there; I took some and lathered her entire body with it as I kissed her deeply, until her chest, arms and slender stomach were slippery to the touch. The shower cream smelled exotic, like papaya and mango, it made me want to devour her.

‘Fuck me.’ She whimpered into my ear, her inner thigh grazing up my leg and wrapping around me. ‘Please.’

I didn’t move immediately, but I did lower my soapy hand in between her legs. I felt her breathe on my cheek, her teeth bared.

‘Please.’ She begged.

I groaned. ‘Oh, you’re so polite.’ I said as I slipped two fingers inside her, making her buck against the wall.

‘Yes, Ronit.’ She was loud and primal, her hips rocked hard on my fingers. I felt rush after rush of desire until my clit throbbed painfully. I was torn because I wanted to give her an orgasm right then, I wanted to hear her moan loudly and hold my lips against her wet body as she came, but I also wanted to draw it out. I must have slowed down without meaning to, because I heard her pant over the surging water.

‘Don’t stop.’ Her pleading acted as a catalyst and I curled my fingers harder. ‘Fuck.’ Her head flew back. ‘Fuck me, Ronit.’

I curled harder, and faster; her arms and legs were desperately squeezing me, her face was buried in my hair, her hot mouth panting against my jaw.

‘I’m coming.’ She whimpered, but I already knew; I could feel her contracting around my fingers. Her throaty voice made my clit twitch and I felt her teeth on my shoulder as her spine went rigid; her moans built up as I pounded my fingers inside her, her moans grew louder and more urgent with each thrust until she stretched her neck out and cried out my name.

‘Jesus Christ.’ The words expelled from my lungs without any force while I held my fingers deep inside her; I was so aroused I couldn’t close my mouth and I started to choke slightly on the water pouring down on us. Her limbs went limp and she slumped onto me, I felt her chest heaving against mine, her dripping hair sticking to me.

‘Oh, Ronit.’ She breathed with relief as her own hand stroked the bubbles over my breasts, my stomach and eventually my clit. She brought her mouth to mine and her other hand held the back of my head. She stroked me gently, almost tentatively at first, but I was so sensitive at that point that it made no difference; every touch shot tremors through me.

‘Esti,’ I spoke against her open lips, but she was sliding her fingers faster now and I couldn’t think. She lowered herself and her teeth nipped at my nipples, ribs and naval. I arched over her, so the water would spill down my back, instead of into her mouth. Where the water was cool and steady, her tongue was hot and rampant, furling and flicking over my clit with frantic, hungry movements.

‘Fucking- fuck.’ I tried to hold onto her head, but her hair was so wet I couldn’t get a good grip. I felt my knees buckle as she lifted one of my legs up and pushed it against the marble. I felt her tongue inside me. ‘Oh g-god,’ I held her shoulders and clenched my eyes shut, the shower continued to pummel my face until my mouth pooled with water and I had to spit it out.

Her other hand had curved behind me, clinging onto me as she fucked me with her tongue. I was going to come hard, I could feel it. I tried to steady myself and balance on one leg, entirely using the wall to keep me upright.

I heard her moan into me and it pushed me over the edge. I bent forward, clutching her and hoping I wouldn’t fall as the waves of euphoria crashed over me. I clamped my fingers onto her; pressing harder with each staggering climax that knocked my torso. Eventually, her tongue slowed, and she pulled back; I was still leaning against the wall, trying to breathe.

She stood up and embraced me, littering me with small kisses as she rose. ‘I love you.’ I heard her say, but I still couldn’t speak.

She poured some rich, berry shampoo into her palm and started massaging my scalp, I could see her studying my hair with her lips parted, carefully making sure it wouldn’t drip into my eyes. She was still mesmerised by hair; I could understand it, so I let her continue until my skull grew pleasantly numb and tingly. I rinsed it out, and then I did the same to her; she closed her eyes while I worked the shampoo sensually into her hair, a smile spread across her lips; she reminded me of a cat having its chin scratched.

 Eventually we were both clean and entirely spent; she got us some fluffy towels,  we wrapped ourselves up and went back to the cool bedroom, and fell onto the bed, spreading out over the sheets. Propped up against the pillows, we sipped at our champagne and stroked each other’s legs, both of us staring at the sunset over the ocean.

‘That was a good shower.’ Esti said, her eyes partly closing.

‘It was the best shower I’ve ever had.’ I yawned then and sat my champagne on the side table, so that I could cuddle into her chest. ‘Are you hungry?’ I asked her, feeling my eyelids pinch together.

‘I’m… just exhausted, sweetheart.’

‘Me too.’ I yawned again. I don’t think either of us said another word. We fell asleep in our towels.

 

We woke the next morning nude and above the sheets, both of us trembling slightly from the effects of the air conditioner and sleeping on damp towels. I suggested we sit outside to warm up; so we did. I pulled the door to and we stepped into our outdoor nirvana; still both entirely naked. Even though it was early, the morning sun had already swathed the back of the villa with a sultry heat; it was welcome and successfully battled away the chill on our bodies.

I noticed Esti’s petite frame, fully in the light of the azure morning sky; I saw the individual dents of her spine, the faint rows of her ribs, the curve of her hips. I stroked her, from her shoulder blade to the top of her rear, allowing my fingers to dance on her skin. My other hand moved round and cupped her breast.

She exhaled a faint, muffled sigh as I rolled my thumb over her nipple, stiffening it.

‘It’s going to be difficult doing anything else, isn’t it?’ I let my teeth scrape the skin on her nape.

‘We’ll have to eat at some point.’ Despite her words, she turned and kissed me. I felt her bare skin against mine, it was balmy now. ‘I’m starving.’

‘We can eat. There should be food in the fridge.’ I slowed my mouth, starting to feel a pang of hunger myself. ‘I’ll go and get us something, you stay here.’

‘Are you sure?’

I nodded. ‘Enjoy the view.’

'Oh, I will.' She grinned and pecked my lips. As I left, she took a seat on the lounger and spread her sculpted legs out over the grainy material, rubbing her feet over it; over her shoulder she watched me walk away. I went to the fridge; there was an array of chilled fresh fruit, and some vegetables and cold meat. I hacked into a pineapple and a green melon, cutting rough chunks of them up and sliding them into a wooden serving bowl, I threw a bunch of fat, red grapes on top of it and took it back to Esti.

I put it between us and we ate all of it very quickly and quietly, savouring the ripe, crunch of the grapes and the sweet juices of the pineapple and melon, all while watching several slow yachts float across the ocean.

‘Did you and Dovid have a honeymoon? Did you have that… seven days of joy? _Sheva_ something?’ I asked, my fingers, sticky from the melon, were resting on my chest.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her frown. ‘Why would you ask about that?’

I shrugged. ‘I’m just curious.’

‘It was nothing like this, if that’s what you’re wondering.’ She raised her knees up, partially blocking my view, but I didn’t care.

‘No, I didn’t think it would be.’

She sighed. ‘It was…’ she grimaced slightly. ‘Fine, I suppose. Dovid was… respectable. And I was treated like a queen for a week.’

‘I’ll treat you like a queen this week.’ I turned onto my side, the material of the sunbed starting to itch me.

‘You already do Ronit, every day.’ We smiled at each other and I moved the bowl of fruit juice and grape stalks onto the floor, so I could be closer to her.

My hand trailed up her pale thigh, the Indonesian sun had trapped its heat on her flesh already. I spread my fingers over her and she pulled my face to hers. Our fruity mouths were kissing again, with that same desperate energy we’d had the night before. I brought my hand further up and turned my wrist, so I could stroke her. She spread her legs and I slid my middle finger along her centre and groaned when I felt how wet she was.

‘Jesus, Esti.’ I puffed air from my mouth as I felt the clutch of intense desire in my lower abdomen.

She made a sound almost like a sob, then she quickly bit her lip.

‘You can be loud out here.’ I whispered, my lips brushing against her ear. ‘There’s no one around.’

Her head sloped, and with two slick fingers, I gently circled her clit. Her hands reached for my face again as she whined my name. I moved quickly, I knelt above her, entwining our legs.

‘What’re you-’ she started to speak, but then she realised, and I saw her jaw tense. I was above her, holding one of her legs in front of me; I started grinding my core against her slowly, rolling my clit over hers and rocking back and forth so a fiery, wet friction built up. Her hands were on my hips trying to regulate my movements because she must have been sensitive, but I was in control. I gripped one of her wrists and tried to bite her leg and she moaned so loudly, that I did actually think someone might hear her. I continued like that, holding her down and working both of our bodies to climax. I listened to the pattern of noises she made, because I wanted us to come at the same time.

I tuned into the steady beat of her high-pitched cry, her chest shuddering with regular movements; she hadn’t stopped staring at me the whole time I was above her, her tongue traced her bottom lip before she fastened her eyes shut. ‘Oh Ronit…’

‘Yes,’ I knew then, so I went faster. I faltered and fell forwards, still driving my hips into hers. ‘Yes, yes, yes.’ I panted as Esti’s fingers dug into my waist. I felt the build up of pressure between us, a critical force rising between our bodies as they writhed together. I felt a sheen of perspiration beading on my shoulders and back.

‘G-god,’ she started to twitch under me, her face creased with yearning. I’d been holding back, stifling climax, but hearing her desperation I allowed the raw, quick thrusts to engulf me until I started to feel our shared ecstasy dripping down my thigh. I think she realised I was coming because she suddenly went silent, her eyes closed so tightly she looked mildly in pain, but then I heard her make a noise I’d never heard before; a wail of erotic gratification. A flock of birds scattered from one of the trees behind us and I collapsed next to her.

We didn’t talk for several minutes while we let our bodies calm, and our lungs regain normal breathing.

‘I’m so thirsty.’ She spoke with a slight chuckle, and pressed her lips together. ‘If- if this is what it’s going to be like-’

‘I think we’re going to need a lot more water.’

‘We definitely will.’

‘And a lot more fruit.’

‘And, I suppose we should get dressed at some point.’

‘Oh no,’ I shook my head and stroked the soft, pink skin around her nipple. ‘No, that’s a terrible idea.’

She laughed and touched my hair, we were both clammy and our bodies stuck together. We carried on watching the boats in the distance until the need for sustenance forced us to get up.


	36. The Birth Pt. 1

I woke with a confusing start, I felt disorientated and nervous as my eyes weakly adjusted to the low light. I lifted my heavy head and perched on my elbow; it was still early, the sun was nowhere near rising. I forced my thick eyelids to rise and find the clock next to the bed; 3:09am.

I frowned and turned around, but Esti wasn’t there. For a second of relief, I let my eyes close. Why did I feel sick?

Suddenly, I heard a pained gasp in the en-suite. Without thinking I blindly jumped up and ran to the bathroom, tripping over my charger and sending my phone loudly clattering across the floor.

‘Esti?’ I knocked frantically and pressed the handle of the locked door. ‘Esti?’

I heard a gasp again, and then the lock turned. She was leaning forward, holding her stomach, her face was a picture of discomfort.

‘I think we need to go to the hospital.’ She said, her lips looked thinner, or were they just very pale?

‘Wha- now? Now? But she’s- it’s not for- weeks.’

‘I think she’s ready now.’ Esti said, shutting her eyes tightly; she seized her stomach.

‘O-okay, okay. Do you need anything? What do I need to do?’

Esti gave a short laugh through her obvious pain as she crept back into the bedroom, still gripping her stomach. ‘Ronit, you’ve been planning this for months, it’s all I’ve heard-’

‘I know!’ I ran to drawers and wildly dug around. ‘I know, but now it’s all gone! I can’t remember-’ I grabbed a thick sweater and pulled it over my head. ‘I can’t remember anything- where’s the hospital bag?’

‘Sweetheart, don’t panic.’ Esti coughed.

‘But she’s early, what’s- Esti, what does that mean? Is she okay? Does it feel- is it normal?’ I went to her, I covered her bump with my hands. I couldn’t think about anything, I wasn’t even sure what jumper I’d put on.

‘It can be normal, Ronit, it can be.’ Esti took her hands away from her stomach for one moment so that she could hold my face. ‘It’s fine, she just… she probably just really wants to meet you.’

‘Don’t- you can’t be adorable now, I need to think.’ I kissed her because her words had made me melt slightly but I had to collect myself, I had to breathe. ‘I’ll- I’ll call Dovid, we can drop Daniel there or do you want him there?’

‘It’s too late, I can’t- it’s too early for Dovid. We can take Daniel, but he won’t be allowe-’ A wince curbed her speech and she perched on the bed.

‘Darling,’ I went to her and pushed her hair back. ‘Are you okay? You should have- you should have woken me, as soon as- how long have you been-’

‘Not long, I promise. I was just… about to wake you when you knocked.’ She groaned. ‘Can you get Daniel ready? I’ll- I’ll get the bag.’

‘Ye-yes. I’ll call a taxi, now.’

‘And the midwife, do you have their number?’

‘Yes, I have it.’ I scrambled on the floor for my phone, relieved and surprised the screen hadn’t smashed in its dramatic fall.

The next few minutes were a seizure of panic, for me at least. Esti was surprisingly calm, I heard her taking deep breaths as she collected the bag I’d packed and repacked then repacked again weeks ago. I made urgent and demanding calls to the taxi company and the maternity unit, who told us to get Esti in as soon as possible. Daniel was simply excited.

‘I don’t have to go to school?’ He asked, yawning as we got into the taxi.

‘No, darling.’ I said, stroking his hair while I put him on my lap and clipped the belt around us. ‘Mummy’s going to- you’re getting your new sister today.’

I heard Esti take a long, shaky lungful of air, and I saw her head droop, so I wrapped my hand around hers, because that was all I could do.

‘He’ll need a seatbelt.’ The driver stated over his shoulder.

‘He’s got one.’ I scolded him instantly. ‘Can you go please? We’re in a hurry.’

‘His own belt.’

‘Fu- he’s got one and I’m holding him. Drive please.’

‘Not going anywhere ‘til he’s got a belt on, love.’

‘Jesus Christ, what’s your-’

‘Ronit, it’s fine, let’s just put him in the middle.’ Esti said.

I grumbled as I squeezed Daniel in between us, he looked at me as I buckled him in. His face was curious, as though the idea of his mother being told off by another adult was a revelation.

‘There.’ I spat, and the driver turned back smugly. The engine revved and we were finally on our way. Esti was silent but occasionally she’d make a drawn-out groan, or a quick inhale through gritted teeth. I wish I could have done something, but I had nothing to offer except my hand which she occasionally squeezed.

When we pulled up outside the hospital, I gave the driver the exact change and nothing more, and I carried Daniel through the slow automatic doors whilst still holding Esti’s hand.

The waiting room was filled with artificial magnolia light, a choking smell of citrus disinfectant attacked me. The waiting room was completely empty except for a muttering, drunk couple and one tired looking nurse sitting at the reception desk. I sat Esti down with Daniel, who was looking increasingly concerned about his mother. I hurried to the desk.

‘My wife’s having a baby.’ The words sped from my mouth, I had no control over them. The nurse looked up with brighter eyes. ‘We called the maternity unit, they said to bring her-’

‘Name please?’

‘Esti, Esti Kuper- Esti Krushka-Halper.’

‘Oh, perfect.’ The nurse hopped up, looking suddenly energised. ‘I was told you’d be coming, I’ll get her a wheelchair, poppet. No need to look so scared.’

‘Well it’s- she’s early. It’s early.’ I floundered in my honesty.

‘Don’t worry, dear. Babies come early sometimes.’ I think I saw her wink, but my eyes were still so blurry from the rude awakening I couldn’t be sure.

The nurse left, and I went back to Esti and Daniel; I knelt in front of her and took her hands in mine, I kissed her cold fingers.

‘What’s wrong, mummy?’ Daniel asked, touching Esti’s cheek softly.

‘Nothing’s wrong, beautiful boy.’ Esti replied with a narrow smile. ‘It’s your sister, she- wants to see her big brother.’

My heart swelled again, and I felt my lips tremble against Esti’s hand.

‘Is she making you cry?’ Daniel asked, his voice strangely high pitched.

‘No, no.’ Esti looked up and I saw her fighting through the pain, trying to soothe Daniel, which I should have been doing. I was being worse than useless. ‘She’s making me very happy, darling.’

Daniel twisted his mouth, in exactly the same way Esti did.

‘Here she is!’ I heard a familiar voice behind us; the nurse had returned, rolling a sad looking, plastic wheelchair in front of her. She was accompanied by a stern nurse in a different uniform, who immediately took the lead.

‘Thank you.’ Esti said as I helped her into the wheelchair.

‘Hello Esti, my name is Margaret. We’re going to take you through to a labouring room now.’ The new nurse said through tight lips. ‘We need to run a few tests, and maybe see if we can slow this baby down.’

‘What does that mean?’ I asked, holding Daniel’s hot little hand and following them. Margaret glanced behind her.

‘It’s just something we might be able do, if the baby’s not quite ready to be born.’

I swallowed away a lump of fear and followed them through long, sterile hallways until they rounded into a more colourful ward; bright paper and pictures of newborn babies scattered the walls.

‘Your little man will have to stay out here unfortunately. Hello there.’ Margaret went to touch Daniel’s arm and he flinched away. Despite her line of work, she seemed stiff and uncomfortable around him. But I could barely think about that. What was I supposed to do in this situation? I had no idea. I looked from a fidgeting Esti to a troubled Daniel.

‘I-’ My mouth hung open.

‘You can stay out here, Ronit.’ Esti offered, I noticed a sheen of sweat on her forehead.

‘Bu- I want to be with you. Why can’t he come in?’

‘It won’t be very pleasant for him.’ Margaret said, shrugging. ‘Is there anyone you can call?’

‘No, funnily enough we didn’t plan on being here at four in the morning.’

‘Ronit-’ Esti whined. ‘You can call Dovid soon.’

‘But, Esti-’

‘I have an idea, one moment.’ Margaret sighed and walked a short distance to another room down the corridor. I bent down, so I was closer to Esti.

‘I don’t know what to do, Esti.’ I held her hands up and whispered into them.

‘It’s okay,’ she stroked my face with her forefinger. ‘It’s okay.’

‘I thought I knew-’

‘Well hello there!’ A big, loud voice echoed around us. Yet another nurse had joined us, accompanying Margaret. The new nurse looked much livelier and jollier, but frankly I was getting tired. She spoke directly to Daniel. ‘Is your mummy having a baby?’ She asked while immediately dropping to his height.

Daniel nodded and held onto my shoulder.

‘And what’s your name?’

‘Daniel.’ He said almost silently, rubbing his eyes.

‘Well, Daniel, my name is Pauline. Are you having a little baby brother or sister?’

‘Sister.’

‘Ooh, well… do you know something? You’re going to be a big brother, and that means you need to get ready for your sister’s birthday, did you know that?’

Daniel nodded. Esti squeezed my hand again, I heard her breathe harshly.

‘And what do people need on their birthdays?’ Pauline continued.

‘Cake.’ Daniel said, starting to laugh. He was warming to her.

‘Good one! And what else?’ Pauline mimicked opening a card.

‘Card!’

‘A card! Yes! Do you want to come with me and make a card for your new baby sister?’

‘Yeah! Yeah.’ Daniel giggled and jumped, then he turned to me whilst pointing at Esti’s stomach. ‘She needs a card, mum.’

‘She does.’ I croaked, stroking Esti’s thumb. ‘You’re very right.’

‘Brilliant! Shall we go then?’ Pauline stood up and offered Daniel her hand which he very willingly took. She looked at me then. ‘We’ll just be down the hall.’ She said quietly, then she led Daniel away. I wished he didn’t have to go.

‘Right, let’s get you in here Esti.’ Margaret said, hauling the wheelchair away from me and into the room.

The lights came on automatically and the smell of bleach sizzled in my nostrils; I hated hospitals. There was one bed in the centre of the room and a lot of intimidating machinery against the walls. Margaret gave Esti a gown and helped her onto the bed, where she immediately hunched forward. She had been making the same noise for a while now; a short, quick wheeze.

‘Can you give her something?’ I asked, holding Esti’s hand again, because that was all I was apparently good for.

‘The doctor is going to be here very shortly, then Esti and she can decide.’ Margaret started pulling out some contraption from a cupboard. ‘Okay, Esti we’re just going to check your blood pressure, then we’ll have a look at your tummy, okay? And then we’ll check on the baby. It’s a little girl, isn’t it?’

Esti nodded, her mouth was open, her bottom lip was dry. I wasn’t functioning properly, I knew that. I was experiencing this outside of my body, I could feel her hand but the words being said were distant and echoey.

Margaret carried on doing things to Esti, wrapping things around her, prodding her. Then a silver-haired doctor came in; she had a sweet nature and she spoke with Esti. I saw Margaret whisper something in the doctor’s ear before she left, and a heat pricked my throat. I heard few words, since the fear and shock had taken over I felt barely present.

Esti said something about ‘thirty-four weeks’. I knew that. That I knew. I had been tracking it on a calendar at work. It was thirty-four weeks yesterday.

The doctor spoke and asked questions then. She asked about contractions, and Esti answered. She asked about the pain, in a caring way. She was kind, and she said the baby, our daughter, might be fine, that she’d take a look at her to see if they could slow it all down. She put on some gloves and had Esti’s legs in stirrups and it was all so clinical and horrible, so I just continued to hold Esti’s hand and wipe the sweat from her forehead.

‘Esti,’ The doctor pulled back and removed her plastic gloves. ‘Have you noticed a decrease in movement recently?’

I felt my heart shrink while the room around me distorted and engorged in my vision.

‘N-no. She’s- no I haven’t.’ Esti stuttered.

‘And you say your waters broke at home?’

‘Yes.’

‘What colour was it, can you remember?’

‘Why?’ I asked, the question sounded violent as it clanged around the room.

The doctor smiled at me, the skin around her eyes was slightly wrinkled but she had quite a striking face. ‘It’ll just help me understand what stage the baby is at.’

‘It was off-colour.’ Esti admitted. ‘Greenish.’

‘Hmm.’ The doctor nodded. ‘Okay.’

‘What does that mean?’ I asked, panic seizing me by the throat.

‘It just means the baby is slightly ahead of schedule.’ The doctor smiled, I couldn’t remember her name, she had introduced herself. ‘But that’s okay, because she’ll be almost fully developed. I would like to give you some steroids, though Esti, to help her lungs. It looks like she’ll be ready soon, so I’m going to put these on your stomach, okay? They’re just wireless little transmitters; they’ll keep us updated on how she’s doing.’ The doctor held up two little grey disks. Esti didn’t say anything, but just whimpered as the cold circles were placed on both sides of her abdomen. I stroked her hair, her forehead, I just watched her pain; it was unbearable.

The doctor said she’d be back soon with the steroids and left us; Esti sat up.

‘Can you- rub my back please?’ She asked, attempting to reach behind her.

‘Yes, of course, of course.’ I sat up on the bed with her, still moving automatically and not in control, I pressed my palm into the small of her back and she groaned. I could smell the mild trace of sweat on her, mixed with the washing powder on the collar of her nightgown. ‘I… I should have done this, Esti.’ I said.

‘What?’

‘This, having the baby. I should have done it.’

‘What’re you talking about?’ Her breath seized in her throat and her head dropped. I rubbed her back harder and started stroking her shoulder.

‘I should have gotten pregnant. You’ve already had one, it’s unfair. I just- I should have had her.’

‘Don’t- that’s silly. You had your agency and-’

‘I just feel awful, I hate it- seeing you- I don’t know- I’m selfish.’

‘Ronit, I can’t make you feel better right now, I’m sorry.’ Esti spoke through a tight mouth, she let out a small gasp.

‘No, no, no, darling, that’s not- that’s not what I want at all.’ I leant in and kissed the back of her head; her hair was damp. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘It- oh,’ Esti sighed. ‘It- it doesn’t feel good, Ronit. I’m scared.’

No. She couldn’t say that, she couldn’t. I was suddenly aware of my blood falling, draining from my head. ‘Don’t say that.’ I said, but the words were breath; silent tremors of fear shuddering out of me.

‘It doesn’t- it didn’t feel like this with Daniel.’

‘But the doctor seemed… it’s fine. It will be fine, darling.’

‘Yes- no, I know it will.’ Esti said. ‘I’m going to lay down. Will you… keep doing that?’

‘Yes, I’ll do anything.’

‘Thank you.’

The doctor came back, still smiling. I was still rubbing Esti’s back, my hand had gone numb, but I persisted.

‘Esti, are you ready?’ The doctor said as she held up a syringe. Esti nodded and flinched as she was injected with something, I couldn’t watch. ‘Your son, Daniel?’ The doctor asked.

‘Yes.’ Esti and I said in unison.

‘He’s just fallen asleep, but Pauline is still with him.’

‘Thank you.’ I said.

‘There we go, Esti.’ The doctor turned to a screen and looked at wavy white lines on a black background and seemed to make sense of it. ‘She seems happier.’

‘Is she okay?’ I couldn’t help but ask, my voice broke.

‘She’s fine. We might have some trouble getting her out, unless she shifts a bit. You see here? Her head is slightly too far up, we’ll see if she moves naturally. But, in the event it all starts sooner, we may need to consider a caesarean. But we can discuss that when we need to. I’ll be back to check on her. If you apply some pressure to her stomach, sometimes that encourages the baby to move.’ The kind doctor smiled and left us alone again.

‘Did you hear that?’ I asked, stroking Esti’s leg.

Esti nodded but didn’t turn.

‘Did you want me to…?’

‘I’m sorry, Ronit.’

‘What? What are you sorry about?’

‘This.’ She snuffled, it sounded wet.

‘Esti,’ I got onto the bed with her again, I curled up behind her. I buried my face in her hair and stroked her stomach. ‘Don’t be sorry, don’t be. It’s fine, darling. This is what we wanted.’

‘But you planned- you planned it all out and- this- this wasn’t part of it.’ She spoke through wretched sobs, she started to shake. A wispy cloud of tears swelled in my own eyes.

‘Darling, we’re having a baby. That’s what I wanted.’ I brought my hand around her stomach, the scratchy material of the gown separating me from the touch of her skin.

‘But you had it all planned.’

‘It doesn’t matter. This is good. I was- I was trying to control it. And I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything when we got here. I was useless.’

 ‘You’re never useless, Ronit.’

I swallowed back the sadness that was hammering against my throat, my nose, my eyes and mouth. I lifted myself up and slowly slid my arm under her neck and wrapped it around her, so that it was entirely across her chest. My other arm remained over her stomach, she offered a gentle exhalation.

‘Do you remember when I held you like this? When we were girls?’

‘Yes.’ Esti nodded, her hair tickled my neck.

‘I remember the first time I held you like this. After your Aunt died, and you came to my house. And I held you like this for hours.’ I don’t know where the memory had come from. I suppose I had thought of another time I’d felt helpless, another time Esti had needed me and I didn’t know how to make her better. She sniffed and gripped my arm. ‘We’ll be fine, Esti. This will be fine.’

‘You’re not disappointed?’

‘Never, I could never- I’m having a baby, with you. I could never be disappointed.’

She nodded again.

‘I love you, Esti.’

‘I love you too.’


	37. The Birth Pt. 2

It didn’t feel right; she didn’t feel right. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy from early on; I don’t know why I felt so certain, but I just knew. Daniel had been such an easy pregnancy; he grew almost discreetly, he was ready on time and he was delivered quickly, without any fuss.

But this one, our daughter, she felt uncooperative. I’d felt like it for months, the occasional stab in my womb, an angry shift as though she were trying to shove me. She didn’t feel happy in there. And as soon as I woke up that morning; the excruciating dash to the bathroom, the slight pop inside me, the trickle of the discoloured liquid running down my leg and the enflamed discomfort I felt with every breath afterwards, I knew that she was ready to leave me.

It didn’t feel right.

It reminded me of walking with a stone in your shoe. The sharp pain shooting through your whole body, being entirely aware of the agony with every step, except I couldn’t turn my stomach upside down and bash the stone out. I refused the pain relief. As soon as Doctor Sumra suggested it I refused it.

‘-they could suppress her breathing during delivery-’

‘No.’ I shook my head, which was drenched with sweat. ‘I don’t want that.’

I knew Ronit wanted me to take the medication; I saw her press her lips together when I spoke, and her chin fell slightly. I was grateful she didn’t say anything.

‘She seems to have moved further up.’ Doctor Sumra was studying the screen where our daughter was presented as a blur of lines and colour. I scratched at the drip on my arm; magnesium sulphate for the baby, I didn’t even want to listen to the reasons why I needed it, I had just agreed.

‘What does that mean?’ Ronit asked, she was still rubbing my back, but I wasn’t saying anything. I felt too guilty.

The doctor sighed. ‘We might have to consider a caesarean, if you’re happy for us to explore that option, Esti.’

I shrugged. ‘Whatever is best for her.’

Sumra nodded, and she did another examination to check the state of me and the baby; I was so used to it now that I didn’t care, but I noticed Ronit looked away every time. Our eyes caught each another at one point and she smiled, but I couldn’t. I’d failed to give her what she wanted. I’d given her an early birth with a daughter who clearly felt no attachment to the home I’d given her. It was horrid.

‘Unfortunately,’ Sumra said, throwing her disposable gloves into the bin. ‘Because she is under 35 weeks, she’ll have to undergo some observation and tests.’

I heard Ronit whimper, and my eyes closed as a severe clench grabbed my womb.

‘But she is advanced, and she’s quite a long baby which means she’s grown beautifully in 34 weeks. You’ve made a lovely home for her, Esti.’

‘So that’s good? She’s healthy?’ Ronit asked, I felt the strain of her fingers against my back.

‘It is good, yes. If she was smaller, there’d probably be more complications.’

‘Will we get to hold her?’ Ronit asked, her head tilted slightly. ‘Before she goes for tests?’

‘Oh, we can do all of the tests while she’s with you. We’ll have to take a look at her as soon as she’s out, then we can make a decision, but as of now I don’t see why she’d need to be submitted to neonatal care.’

‘That’s good. Esti, did you hear that?’

I nodded, as I felt the intensifying squeeze flowing and ebbing, as though our daughter was clenching and releasing my pelvis with her fists.

Ronit perked up after that. She moved between tending to me and going to check on Daniel; she must have been so tired. When the windows in the room turned from black to a light navy, she pulled out her phone and called Dovid. I’d been drifting in and out of a cramped, aching doze, but I overheard her.

‘-yes, she’s fine and baby’s fine… he’s here, with us but… no, he’s been with a nurse-’ She yawned, a long yawn I heard rise from the bottom of her lungs. ‘If you could, that would be fantastic. We’re at St Mary’s. I just- I don’t know how long it’s going to take, and he’s already been here for hours, the poor boy.’

I almost forgot that I’d ruined it for Daniel too. I hoped he wouldn’t remember spending hours at the hospital, falling asleep in the nurse’s staff room alone, without his mothers or his father with him.

Dovid arrived eventually; he didn’t come into the room but Ronit brought Daniel into say goodbye.

‘Is she _still_ not here yet?’ Daniel asked, sitting on the bed with me, playing with a loose bit of string on my gown.

‘She’s taking her time, isn’t she?’ I said.

‘She’s taking ages.’ He elongated the last word; his little green eyes were glassy.

‘If you go with daddy and Jessica, she’ll be ready before you know it.’ I said, stroking his soft cheek. Ronit was standing behind him, gazing at him.

‘If she makes you sad then I won’t like her.’ He stated, crossing his arms. He made us both laugh, and I pulled him to me; with his arms around my neck he gave me a strong, lingering hug. He smelt like our home, like vanilla and clean linen, so I held him there longer.

Ronit took him away eventually and returned; she immediately resumed holding me again. Feeling her body against mine extracted some of the concern that had snagged inside me; I don’t think she realised how much of a difference she made just by being there. I thought I should probably tell her that, but then I became aware of an annoying, constant beeping in the room and I tuned into it so much that I didn’t hear her speaking to me.

‘Esti?’

‘Mm? Sorry, what was that?’

‘I was asking how you felt, darling.’ Her warm hands were on my chest and stomach, where the pain had faded into dull ache. I knew it would be back, so I tried to appreciate the respite.

‘I’m tired. How are you?’

‘I’m tired, but I’m excited.’

‘You are?’

‘Of course I am, aren’t you?’

‘I am.’

‘You sound absolutely elated.’ She laughed into my hair, kissing the top of my head.

‘I just can’t wait to get home with her.’

‘Oh, I know. Hospitals are the worst, aren’t they? For the next one, we’ll have a homebirth.’

‘The _next_ one?’

‘I’ll have that one, don’t worry.’

I scoffed and started playing with a strand of her hair to distract from the sudden sharp wrench twisting inside me. I exhaled slightly louder and Ronit tensed.

‘Are you okay?’

‘She’s- she feels angry.’

‘Do you… think she’s ready?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Should I get the doctor?’

‘No, it’s probably-’ I gasped and lurched forward, I rocked slightly and Ronit shot up.

‘Esti? Should I get the doctor?’ Her words were almost lost with the sudden swell of blood pumping in my ears.

‘Ah- yes, I- I think so.’

‘Oh Christ.’ She ran from the room.

For some odd reason, I realised then that this would probably be the last time we’d be alone, my unborn daughter and me. I held her, I pressed my fingers into my gown as I felt her move inside me, crushing the walls of my stomach from inside.

‘I love you.’ I whispered through the excruciating waves as I attempted to soothe my stomach. ‘Please be happy. I love you.’

Ronit hastened back into the room with clumsiness shaping her movements. Sumra and another nurse followed, they said some words and I nodded. They examined me and said some more words and I nodded again. They injected my spine with a huge needle and I heard Ronit say ‘fucking hell’ and then there were some words about prepping theatre and Ronit changing into scrubs. It was all happening above me, I’d descended into a stupor of pain with my daughter, I was still talking to her in my head.

_Be safe, be good. Be happy, be healthy. I love you. I hope you love me too._

  A fresh numbness careered through the lower half of my body and a chuckle escaped me, a delirium from the sudden absence of agony. Ronit’s hand was entwined with mine, I could see she was in a light green tunic now.

But I kept my eyes on her face, the face I’d known and loved for so many years now. Though we’d both grown older, that determinative look she got in her eyes when something challenged her had never wavered.

I felt that look belonged to me. She wore it when she first kissed me. She wore it when she told me she was leaving for New York without me. She wore it when she told me she loved me, in the backseat of the taxi in London before she left again. She wore it when she proposed to me. She wore it when she’d said ‘I do’. And she wore it now, while she walked into surgery with me, to have our daughter.

There were more people in the theatre, there were bigger machines, louder beeps, brighter lights, words flying all around us. But it was just me and Ronit, it had always been me and Ronit.

A large screen was rolled across my stomach and the majority of the people disappeared behind it. Ronit stayed with me, her face was close to mine as I felt another needle going into my arm, the nurse told me what it was, but I was looking at Ronit’s dark eyes.

‘I love you, you’ll be fine.’ She kissed my hand and I could feel her lips shaking.

‘Will you stay here?’

She laughed. ‘No,’ she shook her head. ‘I have to go in about five minutes.’

I shook my head. ‘Oh good, you’re fine.’ I wheezed out, she grinned and kissed my forehead.

‘Of course I’ll stay here.’

I couldn’t feel any pain below my stomach, but I did experience an odd sensation. Like something was rummaging in my stomach; I suddenly felt nauseous. Ronit leant in closer, and I could smell her. She smelt like home as well, and she smelt like Daniel and our bed and I let that thought take me. I took myself away. I tried to ignore the feeling of hands inside me, the suctioning sounds, the quiet jabbering of the people around me.

But it happened so quickly.

I only realised because Ronit had let go of me.

I opened my eyes. The nurse was putting her into Ronit’s arms.

She wasn’t crying. Why wasn’t she crying?

‘She’s a good colour.’ I think I heard the nurse say.

‘Why isn’t she-’ I went to say.

Then she started to scream, and I could finally breathe. I was still being prodded and poked, but I didn’t care. I still had to deliver the afterbirth and get stitched up, but I didn’t care. The nurse put some other liquid into my drip, but I didn’t care. The sound of her shrill cry healed me; my entire body relaxed.

‘Esti,’ Ronit spoke with a cracked, high voice. ‘Esti, look.’ Her chest was heaving, her mouth was open, and she spoke my name, but her eyes belonged to our daughter, who was wailing in her arms. ‘She’s- oh my god, look at her.’

I saw her tears fall before I saw her face. Her eyes were crystallised, her cheeks red and her bottom lip trembled; seeing her face, I felt such a rush of emotion in my throat that I coughed.

‘Sh- she’s so small. Esti, it’s- it’s our baby- oh,’ she sobbed and kissed the baby’s head softly, her lips lingered there. ‘She’s perfect.’

‘Can I…?’

‘Yes, god yes.’ Ronit lowered her with such care and slowness, I fell in love with her all over again. With the weight of her on my chest, I felt my own eyes brim. Ronit was right, she was perfect, she was loud, and she was beautiful. I spoke to her again, just as I had done when she’d been inside me; I mouthed the words into her damp, shock of black hair.

‘Thank you. I- I love you.’

Ronit bent over us, she kissed my forehead and dampened me with her tears. ‘You did so well.’

‘I think we should call her Leah.’ I said, surprised at the strength and suddenness of my own voice.

‘Leah?’ Ronit gazed at me, I saw her swallow. ‘You’ve not- not mentioned that one before.’

‘She feels like a Leah.’

Fresh tears filled her eyes, she didn’t bother wiping them away. ‘I like it.’ She lifted a finger to Leah’s hand and stroked her. ‘Oh, I’m in love, Esti.’

‘Me too.’ I could only see the top of her head, rising and falling with the pace of my chest; I loved all of her already.

‘Leah Krushka-Halper.’ Ronit said, her enamoured eyes had returned to Leah. She sniffed and sighed.

 

I was allowed to leave the theatre after some time. A sore, almost chafing pain had seared along my stomach and I’d been given pain relief and antibiotics. There was more care involved, and I wasn’t allowed to leave immediately, if even at all that day.

‘We just want to keep an eye on you.’ Sumra was writing something down, but she looked happy. ‘You did very well, both of you.’

I laid Leah on my bare chest, she was dressed in the soft, cotton onesie we’d brought which, despite her length, swathed her. She had been screeching before, but as soon as she was placed on my chest she ceased and started making a quiet whining noise; I could have listened to it forever.

Ronit hadn’t left us for a minute; she was dressed in her own clothes again; the stained scrubs she’d worn in theatre were on the side. She’d asked if she could take them home, but the nurse had said no. She sat next to me on a chair, stroking Leah’s back with the tip of her finger.

‘It’s our baby, Esti.’

‘Our baby.’

‘I just…’ Her eyes moved all over Leah. ‘I just can’t believe it.’

‘She’s going to have your eyes. Our children always have your eyes.’

Ronit smiled and bit her lip, but she didn’t look at me. ‘Hopefully the rest of her will be you.’ She took a deep breath. ‘If you’d told me ten years ago, that I’d be sitting here…’ She trailed off because Leah made some cantankerous murmur. ‘Oh, darling, what’s wrong?’

‘Do you want to hold her? I’m quite cold.’

‘Yes, yes. They said you’d get cold, here.’ She lifted a thick blanket from the end of the bed and laid it over my legs, then she lifted Leah cautiously from my chest, causing her to whinge more. ‘Oh, no, no beautiful girl. What’s wrong?’

There was a quiet knock on the door, and Pauline peered in. ‘Very sorry to disturb you, we have an eager big brother at reception.’ She said with a grin.

‘Oh, bring him in, bring him in.’ Ronit said.

A few minutes later, Daniel entered with Pauline; I suppose Dovid was giving us space. Daniel looked more rested, he seemed livelier and he had crumbs around his mouth.

‘Where is she?’ He demanded almost immediately.

‘She’s right here.’ Ronit chuckled. ‘Sit with mummy and you can hold her.’

Ronit and I helped him as he clambered onto the bed. ‘Hi mummy.’

‘Hello gorgeous boy.’

‘Did you cry?’ He poked a finger just under my eye, and I wiped the crumbs from his chin.

‘I did, but only because I was very, very happy.’

He looked doubtful, but accepted it. He turned to Ronit. ‘Can I hold her now?’

‘You certainly can. Sit back, hold your arms out.’

‘You must support her head.’ I sounded stern, but I felt a chokehold of emotion again. He held his arms out as Ronit placed her down. He started giggling.

‘She’s got a red nose.’

‘She looks like you did when you were a baby.’ I said, stroking his hair as Ronit held Leah’s foot between her thumb and finger, watching us.

‘No, she’s a girl.’ Daniel pointed out.

‘That’s the only difference. Do you know her name?’

‘No.’

‘It’s Leah.’

‘Leah?’

‘Yes, Leah. Do you like it?’

Daniel nodded, but he was engrossed by her. His small face taking in her smaller features. Her arm jolted, and she caught his chin with her fist, he flinched and chortled. ‘She hit me.’

Just then, a flash filled the room. I looked up, blinking. Ronit was standing at the end of the bed with her camera in her hand; her eyes had filled with tears again, but she was smiling, with that beautiful smile I loved.


	38. The Truth

There it was again. That quiet, squeaky, pre-emptive chattering coming through the baby monitor. I think I’d been awake before it even started, I can’t remember the last time I’d slept the night through.

‘It’s your turn.’ Esti’s fingers lightly trailed over my arm, I groaned and stretched until I felt my arms crack.

‘I know. But she’s not crying ye-’

Then, almost as if she’d heard me, Leah started wailing, filling the entire flat with a high, curdling cry. With an uncomplaining sigh, I flung my legs out of bed and blundered to her bedroom, rubbing my heavy eyes with the balls of my hand. There was some early morning light peeking through the blinds in the living room; I still had no idea what time it was. Leah had chosen odd times to wake recently.

‘Okay, okay, okay. Beautiful girl,’ my exhausted mouth slurred as I lifted her up; her soft sleepsuit was plush under my hands, and I cooed into her tiny ear as her cries smoothed out into a cranky whine. ‘Beautiful girl, what’s wrong?’

I continued whispering to her as I went through to the kitchen, where I warmed some milk.

‘What’s wrong darling?’ I asked her as we waited, just like I always did, as she squirmed in my arm and let out a huffy sob. ‘Are we just hungry?’

‘Is she okay?’ Esti appeared in the kitchen, wrapped in a robe. She took a large step over a mass of soft toys that had been strewn across the floor.

‘She’s hungry. As always. She’s definitely got my appetite.’

Esti smiled and yawned; she took over Leah’s breakfast as I took a seat at the island, which was smothered in bottles, dummies, baby creams, Daniel’s toys and a mass of my work papers. ‘It’s 5:30, you know.’ She stated, yawning again.

‘Is it?’ I looked up at her properly then. ‘Christ, she slept the whole night?’

Esti nodded, she walked to me with slow, sleepy steps and kissed my forehead. I’d grown to adore the smell of Esti in the mornings; it was as though caring for a newborn had permanently blessed her skin with the mild aroma of baby powder and scented lotion. Raising her hand, she tenderly stroked Leah’s soft, black hair.

‘That’s the first time she’s done that.’ I said. ‘Why do I still feel so tired?’

‘Because one night of sleeping doesn’t make up for weeks of not, sweetheart.’ Her lips were on me again, lightly touching my hair while I looked down at Leah.

Her little lungs had calmed now, she was looking up at us both; her eyes were a dusky brown colour; large and full of interest and curiosity. Daniel had called her ‘bug eyes’ several days ago.

‘Don’t start calling her names already, Daniel.’ Esti sighed after he’d said it, while wiping his face with a napkin. ‘And don’t encourage him.’ She’d followed up with a smile to me after I’d laughed.

‘What? It’s cute! You should appreciate it while it’s innocent.’

‘Oh,’ her head lolled to one side then and she crinkled her face. ‘I don’t want them to grow up.’

‘No,’ I looked at Daniel and Leah then. ‘No, I don’t either.’

Daniel lost interest in the novelty of a new sister quite quickly; he grew irate with the amount she cried and the attention she demanded from Esti and I. Our devotion to him remained the same, but of course he could only see it from his five-year-old eyes.

The less Leah wailed, the more time he wanted to spend with her, naturally. A few nights ago, after they’d both had their dinners and their baths, Esti sat on the sofa holding a chirping Leah while Daniel read one of his books out loud to us all. I felt overwhelmed then. A dynamic force coursed inside me as I sat on the floor watching them. It felt like pride, like a pure, clean love swimming through my veins. Seeing the three of them, talking, mumbling, laughing, in our house, under our roof. It occurred to me I’d never had that before, that love, the feeling of just being content in each other’s company, the feeling of belonging.

The calm and consistency of it threw me, and I couldn’t help but question it. I’d never had that, the continuous stability in my life. Knowing when I got back each day from work, they’d all be there waiting for me, excited to see me. Daniel would jump into my arms, no matter what else I happened to be carrying. Esti would kiss me and Leah would gurgle, and I never grew tired of it. The presence of it scared me, niggled me.

I admitted fragments of my feelings to Esti one night, once we’d fallen into bed, my thoughts on this newfound family, the inescapable joy of experiencing it for the first time, the love I felt crippling me daily.

‘I’ve not felt this before either.’ She told me while she stroked my cheek. ‘It’s… different.’

‘It’s so new to me, Esti.’ I said, still unable to decipher the small fragment of an unnerving sting I felt in my chest.

‘I know.’ She nodded and lowered her eyelids. ‘But it’s all yours now.’

I closed my eyes and took a breath. When I opened them, her face was closer, so I leant in and kissed her. Her warm mouth felt like home. I’d been deprived of her lips for so long that I tried not to think about it. I fought the harsh reality that I’d foregone her body for so many years, by telling myself that now it was entirely mine. She was mine, and she would always be mine.

When we touched, even now, it still felt like the first time. If anything, our love had intensified. When I felt her skin on mine, I almost felt it crackle. When I was above her, below her, inside her, the pain of missing her for those years faltered and I felt nothing but sheer ecstasy. I thought I’d never be happier, until I saw Leah laugh for the first time.

It’d happened when she was around ten weeks old, she was laying on her back, flicking her arms and legs wildly while Daniel hovered a soft toy over her. He was speaking nonsense gibberish and shrieking each time he raised and dropped the toy. I’d been sitting on the floor taking photos of them when I heard her. It sounded like a cough at first, but then it transformed into the softest chuckle, the smallest fit of giggles.

Daniel immediately started laughing as well, and I became so stunned with elation, I momentarily froze. I managed to get my finger to the shutter and snap it in time to capture them both, staring at each other with huge smiles on their faces. That picture sits on my desk now, in my office near Piccadilly Circus.

‘I’ve got a meeting with Liam today.’ I suddenly remembered when Esti handed me Leah’s bottle.

She snorted as she filled the coffee machine with fresh grounds. ‘Is he taking you to _Swinging Richard’s_?’

‘Jesus Christ, no. I’m not falling for that again. I asked for a lunch meeting.’

‘That was so funny when he took you there.’ She said, covering her mouth with her hand.

‘It wasn’t.’ I retorted, though we were both grinning.

‘Your desperate texts from the bathroom.’

‘Stop.’

‘ _There’s ten naked men on stage,_ ’ she spoke mockingly. ‘ _And I’m trying to organise our twelve-month marketing strategy.’_

‘He’s honestly such a bastard sometimes.’ I cleaned Leah’s chin with a wipe and gave her back the bottle when she started whining. ‘No, it’s definitely just lunch today.’

‘That’s a relief.’

I finished feeding Leah and held her over my shoulder while I sipped the scorched, restoring coffee Esti had made. Afterwards Esti took her while I got ready; she usually took care of both of them in the mornings. She would normally always get Daniel ready for school, though as I picked my own hours now it was easier to juggle the responsibilities.

‘Do you want to do something nice tonight?’ I asked her, just before I left the house. I had sloppily thrown on trousers and a blazer, both of which were stained and made Esti tut at me.

‘I’d love to. You really need to start putting your clothes in the basket.’ She tried to thumb one of the stains off my collar, one most likely given to me by Leah. ‘What did you have in mind? Tonight?’

‘I thought we could go to _Swinging Richard’s_.’ I said, scratching another stain on the opposite lapel. She scoffed and rolled her eyes. ‘I’m joking, I’m _joking_ obviously. No, I was thinking I could pick up some dinner, some wine? After we put them to bed, I thought maybe we could treat ourselves to staying up longer than an hour?’

That made her laugh and our eyes played together. ‘I would really like that.’

‘Good. I would too.’ I paused while I stroked her cheek. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too.’ She smiled up at me and I pecked her lips and said my goodbyes.

 

The day coasted by productively. I had conference calls all morning with New York, Milan and Tokyo, which resulted in finalising our autumn timetable. Liam was on a come down and incredibly agreeable at lunch, mostly because he couldn’t do anything more than grumble. Audrey called in the afternoon, and I spent an hour on the phone with her, it was mostly idle chat and catching up but by the end of it, we had fixed a date for her _Vogue_ cover shoot.

I left the office earlier than usual, picked up two fillet steaks and an eye-wateringly expensive Merlot and managed to get to Daniel’s school just in time to pick him up. On our walk home, he told me that he learnt how to join up all of the letters of the alphabet and I was so proud that I bought him a bag of Pick ’n Mix.

‘Hide them.’ I whispered to him as I unlocked the door, my hands busy with bags of shopping. ‘Quick. Put them in my pocket.’

‘Why?’ He looked up at me with a mouthful of masticated cola bottles.

‘Mummy’ll tell me off.’

‘Oh, okay.’ He shoved the bag deep into my pocket and swallowed the sweets in his mouth. ‘Can I have some later?’ He whispered back to me with big eyes.

‘Of course you can! Hello darling.’ I greeted Esti loudly as I stepped inside the flat.

‘Mummy, mummy,’ Daniel darted past me and immediately ran to Esti, gripping her around her waist. ‘Mum –’ he pointed back at me. ‘Mum bought me sweets and she – she made me hide them, just now.’ He was still giggling.

‘Oh, did she now?’ Esti asked, her eyes slowly meeting mine.

I couldn’t help but laugh. ‘Well, now the cat’s out of the bag.’ I threw Daniels’ sweets to him and he caught them hungrily. ‘In fairness, he deserves them.’

‘Oh?’

‘He learned how to join up his letters today.’

‘Oh my goodness! Well that changes everything.’ Esti bent down and pulled Daniel into a hug. ‘He definitely deserves them then.’

‘I got a star.’ Daniel boasted.

‘A star?’ Esti exclaimed and I watched them both fondly as they gabbled to one another.

‘How’s Leah?’

‘She’s perfect, she just woke up from a nap.’ Esti replied, still holding Daniel. ‘What did you get?’

‘Steak and wine! For our date.’

Esti simpered and finally relinquished her grip on Daniel, who ran to his bedroom with his bag of sweets. As I walked past her on my way to the kitchen, she took my hand and leant into me. She kissed me deeply, it caught me by surprise and I almost dropped the bag of groceries. Her tongue roamed in my mouth and she groaned quietly. When she pulled back her lips had pressed together, it took a while for my eyes to open.

‘Where did that come from?’ I asked, staggering slightly.

‘I just missed you today.’

‘I missed you too.’

‘I’m looking forward to tonight.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Mm. I’ve been thinking about it all day.’ I felt her firm hands creep around my waist and she leant in again so that I could smell her skin and her hair.

‘We can skip the steak if you want.’ I suggested, going for her mouth again. She smiled as I kissed her.

‘Let’s feed them and put them to bed, then we’ll see what happens.’

‘Deal.’

Esti had already made chicken and chips for Daniel, who was unsurprisingly not hungry, though we both still sat with him while I fed Leah. Our nightly routines ran like clockwork, mostly. Esti liked keeping Daniel on a stricter routine whereas I was always far too soft on bedtimes. Though tonight was different; I was desperate for Esti’s sole company, her touch, her voice. I still read Daniel a story every night, just like I had done for the past three years.

Once the children were both asleep, I cooked; making sure I took my time so that we could both appreciate the anticipation of dinner and enjoy the wine. I told her about my day and she told me of hers. She said she’d spoken to Audrey as well that day, and she’d gone for lunch with several of the mothers from her book club. Just as I served dinner, she told me she’d missed me again and I couldn’t help but kiss her for a long time, which meant our plates had cooled by the time we got around to eating.

I barely savoured the food because I was thinking about the taste of her too much; I rushed dinner just so that I could touch her. We drained the wine, which made us both giddy and I forced her to leave the dirty plates in the sink as I led her to the bedroom. We fell onto the bed in each other’s arms and I undressed her slowly, kissing and nipping every inch of skin I could. Her nails dug into me and she gasped constantly, whispering my name fervently, which made me throb with desire.

When she was nude, she rolled on top of me and pulled my clothes off. Her teeth caught my neck and I moaned too loudly but she carried on, until I felt her soft hand in between my legs. My head plunged back into the pillow when she slipped inside me. I clasped her to me tightly as her fingers curled and her mouth lapped me. It was when she started rubbing herself on my thigh and panting gently into my ear, with her fingers still stroking inside me that I collapsed into an orgasm.

As I lay there with my chest rising and falling, she continued; leaning over me and grinding herself on me.

‘Ronit,’ my name fell from her parted lips as her face furrowed with pleasure. I felt her catching my clit and with each motion I felt it build again. I whimpered thinly into the air, trying desperately to keep quiet as my hands controlled the movement of her hips. She came intensely, shuddering and grappling for me with each wave of elation; her mouth was open, and she filled the room with invisible sighs and moans before she fell next to me.

‘Do you- do you think it’ll stay like this? That it’ll stay like this?’ She asked breathlessly, one hand on her chest and the other on my stomach. I took a moment before I answered.

‘I don’t think so.’ I said, staring at a small flaky patch in the ceiling.

‘No?’ She asked, surprise lacing her tone.

‘No. I think it’ll get better.’

She sniffed. ‘Better than this?’

I nodded and turned onto my side. ‘It’s definitely gotten better, don’t you think?’

‘Do you think it needs to be better?’ She asked, her hand retracting from me.

‘Not at all, no, darling, no. It’s just- we used to be so unsure, didn’t we? Always hesitant, our whole lives.’ I felt as though the wine was talking, but I knew what I wanted to say.

She didn’t reply instantly, but she did bite her bottom lip slightly. ‘I suppose.’

‘We’ve only been married for two years, and before that we weren’t together _together_ for very long. I just- I think we’ll naturally grow closer than we are now.’ In the light, I could see her forehead had creased. ‘Do you think it’ll always be like this?’

‘It’s always been this way for me.’ She replied, almost curtly.

‘Always?’

She nodded. I scratched under my eye as I watched her, still on her back; the curves of her body tempted to distract me as a question formed in my head. A question I’d asked before, but that I wanted to burrow into now, I wanted to uncover.

‘Why didn’t you come with me then? To New York?’

She sighed and closed her eyes. ‘Ronit…’

‘I’m not laying out bait Esti,’ I laughed. ‘I’m just curious.’

‘I’ve told you before, I- I had to have my time.’

‘I know, but why… why didn’t you tell me where you were?’

‘It’s- why are you-’

‘Darling, I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. I’m just curious.’

‘I couldn’t take Dovid’s child away from him, you know that.’ She had sat up now, she was pulling on a t-shirt and her underwear. ‘And I knew if I spoke to you again, with the freedom I had, I would’ve wanted nothing more than you.’

‘So, what changed?’

‘What?’

‘Why did you contact me then? On Twitter?’

She had brought her bare legs up to her chest and was hugging them. ‘I saw you- in a magazine.’

‘Did you think I’d invite you to New York?’

‘I- I don’t know. I suppose… I didn’t think anything. I just… wanted to speak to you.’

I was still naked, on top of the covers, considering her. ‘You almost didn’t come to New York.’

‘No,’ she was nodding, staring down at the bed. ‘You were very generous, letting us stay with you.’

I shook my head. ‘It wasn’t generosity. It was selfishness. I wanted you there, I wanted you with me.’

‘You’re never selfish, Ronit.’

‘I was then. I was. I wanted you and Daniel to live with me, and I didn’t care about Dovid.’

Her lips pursed, and she blinked several times. ‘Have you been thinking about this a lot? Recently?’

I took a deep breath and shrugged. ‘I suppose I have.’

She moved towards me then, she cradled my face in her hands and kissed me. ‘We can talk about it then.’ She said, her eyes flitting between mine. ‘What else have you been thinking about?’

‘Just about our lives, and the time we spent apart.’ I paused as my fingers played along her thigh. ‘Wishing I could have that back.’

‘I’m sorry.’ She whispered, her hands still on my face.

‘No, it’s not- I don’t want you to be sorry. It’s my fault, mostly.’

‘It’s not.’

‘It is.’

‘No, no. You- you asked me to come with you.’ She sat back and stroked some hair away from my face.

‘The second time I did.’

She paused, her hands dropped. ‘I should have gone with you.’

‘I don’t blame you for not, I just- didn’t know what it all meant to you. When I was over, for the _hesped_.’

‘It meant everything, Ronit.’ I saw her thumb nervously start to stroke her finger. ‘What did it mean for you?’

‘Well I’ve said before, I wasn’t expecting to see you. I had no idea.’ I said, she lowered her chin. ‘What would you have done if I hadn’t come over for it?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Would you have stayed with Dovid?’

‘I don’t know. I- probably, yes.’

‘Esti,’ I turned onto my back and groaned.

‘What? I’m not with him anymore, why- where has this come from?’

‘I-’ I waited before continuing. ‘I just- we’ve never talked about it. About anything. What happened in London, and just everything. It’s- we’ve never talked about it.’

‘Ronit,’ she was frowning. ‘It’s always been you. I’ve always- _always_ wanted you. Why would I be doing any of this otherwise?’

‘Why would you have stayed with Dovid? And stayed with Beth?’

‘Because I didn’t have you. And I needed something.’ Neither of us spoke for a moment, I felt stupidly like I might cry. ‘You left without me and I had no idea why. I’ve always been certain that it’s you, I just was never sure you felt the same.’

‘I had to leave when we were younger, Esti.’

‘I know-’

‘But I had to leave without you as well.’

I noticed her jaw clench slightly. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘No, it does. It does matter. I couldn’t have taken you with me when I left the first time, I just couldn’t.’

‘Ronit, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.’

‘But you said we could.’

She’d slumped, her back was hunched over, her spine curved. ‘Fine.’

‘I don’t want to make you sad, Esti. I just want you to- I don’t know- understand.’

‘What is there to understand? We’re together, we have a family now, we’re happy. None of it matters anymore.’

‘But you must have been unhappy for so long.’ She wasn’t looking at me, but I was staring at her intently.

‘None of it matters now.’ She repeated.

‘It matters to me.’ I sat up and pulled the covers over myself. ‘You know, when I left the first time… you had to stay behind.’

‘Why?’ She asked in such a small, cracked voice, she reminded me of her younger self. I remembered her in the bunker, her face after I’d told her I was leaving.

‘Your mother was ill. My father told me. He found out I- that we were planning on leaving.’ I said, I heard Esti’s teeth click behind her lips. ‘And he told me, about her… condition.’ Esti still wasn’t saying anything, but I’d noticed her breathing had become deeper. ‘I had to make a decision then.’

She wet her lips and sucked on her bottom lip, her eyes were downcast.

‘It wasn’t easy.’ I carried on.

‘No, it wasn’t.’

‘But it was right that you stayed.’

‘You made that decision for me.’

I hadn’t expected that. ‘You would have made that decision too, Esti. If I could have told you about it.’

‘Well, I didn’t have a choice, did I?’

‘Neither did I.’

‘You could have stayed with me.’ She said, incredibly quickly, as though the words had been lingering in her mouth for years and had never come out.

‘You know I couldn’t have done that. It was an impossible situation.’

She was nodding slowly, I don’t think she’d stopped nodding since we started talking.

‘I wasn’t selfish then. I was only thinking about you.’ I said, with some edge of finality because I wanted this to be over. I wanted to hold her again and I wanted her to kiss me.

‘I was unwell after you left.’ She muttered.

‘I re- remember you saying.’

‘It was… awful.’

‘I can’t imagine-’

‘I was very sick, for a long time. And I was trying to look after my sick mother too.’

‘I know-’

‘And you just disappeared.’

‘I did.’

There was more silence. ‘I forgave you a long time ago for that.’ She said, her voice barely more than a whisper.

‘Why did you forgive me?’

‘Because… I loved you.’ She took a breath; and wiped one of her eyes. ‘I didn’t want to stay angry with you.’

I shuffled further under the covers. ‘I wrote to you. When I got to New York, I wrote to you every day.’ I’d started stroking her foot, and she allowed me to.

‘Did you?’

‘I did.’ I nodded ardently. ‘I did, every day, sometimes twice a day.’

‘I never- I didn’t-’

‘I think my father, or someone else must have hid them or something. I don’t know.’ I was stroking her ankle now, rolling my thumb over the top of her foot.

‘It was my father.’

‘How… how do you know?’

‘It must have been. I- I had no idea you wrote to me.’

‘Because we’ve never talked about it.’ I laughed again, but it was an exhausted laugh. There were no other sounds in the flat. Both of our children were sound asleep, and there was barely a noise from outside, it was a calm evening.

‘I’m sorry I took so long to contact you.’ Esti mumbled.

‘It’s okay-’

‘I left it too long and by the time I- by the time I was ready to contact you, I was terrified that you’d,’ a small sob shuddered over her shoulders. ‘That you’d met someone else, that you’d moved on, I suppose.’

‘To be honest, I don’t think I ever moved on.’

‘No, no, I don’t think I did either.’

I relished the quiet then. I felt an odd release, a discomfort dislodged.

‘We’re stupid, aren’t we?’ I said, gazing at her.

Esti scoffed and rubbed her damp eyes. ‘We are. We’re less stupid now, I hope.’

‘Definitely. Definitely less stupid.’

‘I love you Ronit.’ She raised her hand again, and stroked my lips softly.

‘I love you too. And I’m sorry.’

‘I’m sorry too.’

‘You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.’ I said, pulling her closer. She didn’t reply with words, just her eyes and her mouth. She pressed me back against the pillow again, I felt her thighs close around my legs and I shivered as she kissed me. She moved down teasingly. That night, using her entire body, she told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her as well.


	39. The Party Pt. 1

‘I just worry the flat will be too small for everyone.’ Esti said, stepping over Daniel’s train set to hand me the milk bottle. ‘Daniel, can you come and tidy this up please?’

‘You? Worrying? I won’t hear of it.’ I scoffed as I took it from her. It warmed the tips of my fingers as I held it for Leah’s greedy mouth. When she started drinking, she stopped squirming and whining and immediately went silent. I knew the summer weather was making her rattier, she’d fallen back into her old habits of waking up every few hours during the night.

‘I know, worrying. It’s so unlike me.’ Esti slumped next to me and sighed. With a light touch, she stroked my leg.

‘I don’t think it’s the size of the flat that’s worrying you, if I’m being honest.’

‘No,’ she paused. ‘You’re right.’

‘It’ll be fine, darling.’ I said with a yawn, shifting Leah in my arms so that my leg was closer to Esti’s hand.

She threw her head back and laughed. ‘You say that about everything.’

‘That’s because I know it will be fine.’

‘It’s just… it’ll be a collision of worlds, won’t it? Aren’t you the slightest bit nervous about it?’

She was talking about Daniel’s birthday party that weekend. She’d been worrying nonstop since I mentioned it a few weeks ago. We had just tucked him into bed when she’d casually mentioned inviting his friends from school over for a party and a sleepover.

‘I think he should have his family around on the day too.’ I had said, recalling his past few birthdays in which he’d seen Dovid on separate days, spending a few days celebrating away from me and Esti. ‘I think we should all do something together. Dovid, Shayna and Jessica can come here for once. Audrey and Ed will be in the country too. It’ll be nice.’

The colour had immediately drained from her cheeks and her anxious lips twisted into a grimace.

‘What?’ I asked. She had started nervously tidying.

‘Why do you want that?’ She asked, dropping colourful toy blocks into a wooden chest that now permanently resided in the living room.

‘Because... we’re all family, aren’t we?’

‘But we’re so good at keeping it… separate.’

‘Why should it be separate?’

‘I’m surprised this is coming from you.’ She said looking up at me.

‘I’ve had a few years to think it over. You said it yourself once, he should make decisions for himself. He’ll never be able to choose if he can’t compare side by side.’ I smiled. ‘He shouldn’t grow up thinking he has two separate lives, Esti.’

There was a point in our lives when I wouldn’t have dared to say anything like that. When we first moved in, the early years when everything was still new. But now I often voiced my opinions on Daniel and how I believed he should be raised, how we should reward him, how we should punish him, though the latter I was always terrible at.

‘If you think it’s a good idea, then I suppose we can… have everyone over.’

‘I think it’s less about us darling, and more about him.’

‘You’re right.’

‘Plus… don’t you think it’ll be hilarious seeing Shayna talking to Audrey?’

She laughed and gave up cleaning, I beckoned her to the sofa and we didn’t talk about it again until today, even though I knew she’d been worrying.

‘It’s not a collision of worlds, you’re so dramatic.’ I was laughing when I knew I shouldn’t have been. She started to rub the apprehensive crease between her eyebrows.

‘I was _just_ coming around to the idea, and then you invited Liam and Ella.’

‘I’ve told them it’s a children’s party.’

‘I hope you’ve been a lot more explicit than that.’

‘Esti,’ I looked up at her and brought the bottle away from Leah who had fallen into a light doze. ‘They’re not going to be snorting coke next to the chicken drumsticks. Liam has calmed down a lot.’

‘I’m just still not sure.’

‘I’ll talk to him again.’

She inhaled for a long time through her nose. ‘I can’t believe he’s going to be six.’

‘It’s madness.’ I agreed. ‘Tell him to stop growing up.’

‘You met him when he was three.’

I felt mildly choked then. I instantly thought of him when I’d first met him in New York. He was such a small, shy boy, and now he was my tall, bold son. ‘I can’t believe that sometimes.’

 ‘You’ve had such an influence on him.’

‘Oh?’

‘Mm. He was such a quiet, well behaved boy before he met you.’

I chuckled and handed Esti the bottle back. ‘Well, this one is very you; beautiful and needy.’

She squeezed my leg playfully before she got up to return to the kitchen with the bottle. When she returned, she got onto her knees and started cleaning away Daniel’s train set. ‘What if Dovid and Shayna bring others? We gave them a free pass to.’

‘What if they do?’

‘Will you be all right?’

I paused, and my eyes dropped to Leah, who had started to quietly murmur in her sleep. Her small, pink fingers flexed as her face twitched. ‘I’ll be fine.’

‘I don’t want you to… panic, at any point.’

‘I won’t.’

‘I just remember all the times you’ve been around them, or those places and you tend to-’

‘Act like an idiot?’

‘Well no, I think it just all comes back to you.’

‘I have you now. And I have her,’ I nodded towards Leah. ‘And I have Daniel. I’m in a better place.’

She smiled at me, using her lips and her eyes. ‘We still need to pick up his birthday present.’

‘We do! I can do that today.’

‘No, I can go. You’ve got the princess on you.’

‘Will you be all right getting it back? Maybe you could ride it home?’

‘I think I will have to do that. Oh,’ she sighed. ‘We’re going to have to build it aren’t we? Maybe you can do that, you’re better at that sort of thing.’

‘Oh, come on. It’ll be fun building it together!’ I said, still speaking quietly while Leah fell deeper into her nap. ‘We can do it tonight. Or, you know… I could do it by myself while you prepare _all_ of the food. All of the snacks for his friends and their parents, kosher for the Hendon lot, gluten free for Audrey and Ed, vegan for Liam, and… well I’ve never seen Ella eat anything, so you probably don’t need to worry about her.’

She considered me for a moment, her eyes played with mine. She gave a long-suffering laugh and sighed. ‘Good point.’ She said with her tongue sitting in between her front teeth. ‘I’ll make sure I pick up a second screwdriver in that case.’

‘Why d’you need a screwdriver?’ Daniel’s voice cropped up behind me.

‘Mummies are going to build some shelves.’ Esti said hurriedly. ‘Where have you been mister? I asked you to come and clean your trains up.’

‘Oh.’ Daniel stepped forward and leaned over the back of the sofa so that his legs kicked up in the air. ‘Sorry.’

‘You were ignoring me, weren’t you?’ Esti asked.

I turned to look at Daniel, who was looking up at Esti with large eyes and a wide, mischievous smile; it shocked me how much he looked like me. He shook his head enthusiastically, tousling his dark wavy curls.

‘Daniel.’ Esti raised her eyebrows in the questioning, sceptical way she did; I called them her ‘mum brows’.

‘I didn’t!’ He claimed loudly.

‘You mustn’t ignore mummy when she asks you to do something, Daniel.’ I spoke firmly while trying to lift Leah up because my arm was going numb.

‘But you do it.’ Daniel said brazenly. ‘ _All_ the time.’

‘I do not!’ I said, far too defensively.

‘You do.’

I looked up at Esti then. ‘He’s deflecting.’

To my surprise, Esti laughed and pushed her hair back. ‘It doesn’t matter because _I_ cleaned the trains up.’

‘Thank you mummy.’ Daniel said coyly, still hanging on the back of the sofa. ‘Can I have ice cream please?’

He followed Esti to the kitchen like a puppy while she informed him that it was only lunch time. I started to hoist myself up, holding Leah as still as I possibly could. She was wearing her soft, giraffe-patterned onesie today; it was one of my favourites. She was seven months old now, and she’d grown longer, and her features had started to refine. She could sit up for a little while by herself, she could lean up on her hands. Esti thought she’d start crawling soon, but I didn’t want that. I never wanted her to grow up.

I gently placed her in her wooden cot and stroked her shock of black hair out of her eyes while Esti and Daniel continued in their lunch battle.

‘I can make you a sandwich.’ I heard Esti offer Daniel.

‘Don’t want sandwich.’ He groaned as though she’d just told him to clean his room.

‘What about pasta?’

‘Don’t want pasta. Want ice cream.’

‘Darling, you can’t have ice cream yet. We don’t want all of your teeth to fall out.’ I left Leah’s bedroom and saw that Esti had bent down to be level with Daniel. ‘You can eat _all_ the ice cream you want on your birthday.’

‘Fine.’ He sighed with a huge slump of his shoulders.

‘Good boy.’ She kissed his forehead and stood up. ‘Now, what do you want?’

‘Nothing.’ He said, falling back onto the sofa. ‘Not hungry anymore.’

I couldn’t help but bite my lip to stop myself chuckling. ‘I can make some lunch.’ I offered. ‘Then I can go and get the bik- the thing.’ I corrected myself quickly, but Daniel hadn’t noticed. He was laying on his back and making a clucking noise with his tongue and thrusting his hands out like Spider-man.

‘No, no. I can go and get the thing.’ Esti smiled and stroked my arm. ‘If you could make lunch for him though?’

‘Of course. Is there anything you want in particular for when you get back?’

She shook her head and looked over her shoulder at Daniel. ‘Well,’ she spoke under her breath. ‘I kind of want ice cream now but that wouldn’t look good.’

‘No, you’d have to share.’ I pulled her to me and held her tightly, breathing in the scent of her fruity, summery hair. We shared a kiss before she left, which made Daniel feign disgust. She was only out of the house for five minutes before Daniel approached me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, then he told me I looked beautiful and that he loved me.

‘What do you want?’ I asked him suspiciously, stroking the thick curls on top of his head.

He didn’t say anything but looked up at me with his big, dark eyes and his toothy smile.

‘I know what you’re doing.’ I said, hugging him to me.

Again, he didn’t speak, but pressed his head into my stomach. I gave a long sigh and we shared a small bowl of chocolate ice cream on the sofa while watching cartoons.

* * *

 Esti had been right; the flat was too small. We only had two of Daniel’s friends and their parents in the house and it was feeling cramped already. It was also incredibly noisy; having two additional six-year olds in the house created a manic atmosphere and even though Esti and I had put everything breakable out of reach, I still feared something would get shattered as they ran energetically from room to room. Esti made polite conversation with the parents and continued preparing the food while I made sure everyone’s drinks were constantly filled.

The parents were nice enough; they were all very posh and I still didn’t know all of their names. I never really had much to do with the extra-curricular groups at school, so I didn’t know them as well as Esti did.

‘- that new Music teacher is just dreadful.’ One of the mothers was talking loudly, I think her name was Erica, and was swilling her white wine in her glass. ‘He’s just very contemporary, I worry he won’t delve into classical enough and that’s all we’ve been playing Henry at home.’

The other pair of parents made agreeable noises and I stopped my eyes from rolling back before I went to check on Daniel and his friends.

‘Everything okay in here?’ I poked my head in the door, and their heads all shot to me. They all nodded. ‘Do you need anything?’

‘Ah, no mum, thanks.’ Daniel said.

‘All right. Come and get some food in a bit, won’t you?’

They all nodded again and then turned their backs to me again, all huddled around Daniel’s game console, which they were all prodding and poking.

I made my way back to the living room when the doorbell rang out, silencing the guests momentarily. I knew we were expecting a few more of Daniel’s friends but I hoped it wouldn’t be more children, not just yet. As I made my way to the door, I wondered if I only _really_ liked my children. I opened the door and to my relief, Audrey and Ed were standing there. Her long blonde hair had been tied back and she stood tall in a white, tailored jacket and matching bell-shaped skirt.

‘Ronit!’ She cried out and stepped towards me.

‘Audrey! Ed! Hello!’ Audrey and I kissed cheeks and she embraced me for a long time. ‘You look gorgeous.’ I told her. ‘It’s always like you’ve just stepped right off a photoshoot.’

‘Psshh.’ She waved her hand in front of me. ‘ _Non, non_. It is Daniel’s special day! I wanted to dress for the occasion!’

‘You’ve not been to many six-year old parties, have you?’ I asked, and she tittered as she stepped past me, frantically asking where Daniel was. ‘Ed,’ I said. ‘It’s lovely to see you again.’

‘Ronit, you look charming, as ever.’ Ed greeted me in his deep voice and pulled me into a hug. He was taller than Audrey, which must have been a rare feat. His hair was dark blonde and flecked with mild brown, it looked like soft golden hay. It was styled but messy and was entirely complimented by his casual shirt and tight, blue jeans. He and Audrey had been together for just under a year now, and to my knowledge she hadn’t been with anyone else. ‘How’s the party going? Sorry we’re a bit late.’

‘No, no, not at all. It’s just Daniel’s friends and their parents at the minute. It’s a bit boring actually.’ I whispered. ‘I hope you don’t mind.’

‘Not at all. I love boring, it’s quintessentially English. We brought wine.’ He said with a perfect smile; it always shocked me how noble his voice was. Audrey told us he’d been private schooled his entire life; he graduated from Oxford University with a degree in English Literature and only recently made the foray into acting.

‘How’s filming going?’ I asked him as we strolled through towards the kitchen. I looked into the living room where Audrey had found Esti. They were squeezing one another’s arms and speaking quickly, their faces close. Audrey had commanded the room already; the two father’s faces had turned bright red and the mothers had quietened and stiffened.

‘You just got back from… Croatia, wasn’t it, Ed?’ I continued onto the kitchen.

‘That’s the one, yes. It was exhausting, but the people there are wonderful. Incredibly hospitable culture there. Didn’t go hungry, that much is certain.’

‘It’s for a Shakespearean film isn’t it?’ I asked, plucking out two glasses from the cupboard.

‘ _Twelfth Night_ , yes. All set in Dalmatia.’

‘I’m sure the mums in the other room would love to hear about it.’

‘Oh?’

‘Definitely.’

He looked content with that; he was a lovely person, but his favourite topic of conversation was himself. I thought I’d take him through and introduce him to Erica first. He was gorgeous, all of the female guests would devour him while the father’s fawned over Audrey. The balance would be acceptable.

I led him back towards the living room and tried to introduce him to the parents, though the fathers didn’t look away from Audrey, who was now babbling to Esti about her stay in Croatia. Erica and the other mother looked towards Ed, their eyes grew large and their mouths opened. Ed and Audrey had truly stolen the show.

‘Ed, take a seat anywhere.’ I said, perfectly aware that there was only one space left, which was on the three-seater between the two mothers. He obediently perched in the middle of them, the poor man; I felt like I’d just thrown a goat into the lion pen.

‘Ronit!’ Audrey called to me, standing directly in the centre of the room, demanding its’ attention again. I couldn’t help but smile. ‘You must get Daniel, has he opened his gifts yet? He must open ours, I’m so excited for him to see it! Impatient, in fact!’

‘Of course, of course. I will go and get him now.’

I returned a minute later, after wrestling Daniel away from his friends and his console. He was grumbling but upon seeing Audrey, he immediately ran into her arms and she lifted him up high and embraced him in her long, toned arms.

‘Goodness, _mon bébé_ no more? Daniel, you are so tall!’

I looked around the room, everyone was watching them like it was a play, well, not everyone. The mothers were still gawping at Ed. I scanned the room and eventually settled on Esti’s face, she was smiling up at me from her chair. I went to stand next to her, she slid her arm around my waist and I put my arm around her; everything was so natural between us. I heard Erica ask Ed about what he did in an overly sultry voice; a low hum of friendly chatter sparked as we watched Audrey and Daniel.

‘Hello Audrey.’ Daniel said, his cheeks blushed. He couldn’t quite pronounce his ‘r’s, so it sounded like ‘Audwey’.

‘My darling boy,’ she swooned. ‘Have you had a good birthday so far? Have your mothers been treating you like a king?’

Daniel nodded coyly.

‘And your sister? I hope she has wished you a “happy birthday” too?’

He giggled. ‘She can’t talk yet.’

‘Ack! That is no excuse!’ Audrey joked, stroking his face with her free hand. ‘Now, come along, you must open your present, _non_?’

‘Yeah! Yeah!’ He wriggled out of Audrey’s arms and stood patiently in front of her. She rooted deep inside her leather handbag and scowled.

‘Ah, here it is _ma chérie_.’ She handed down a small package, wrapped in brown paper. Daniel thanked her and tore into it, I already knew what she had got him. She asked me about it months ago; it was a fully functional camera, made entirely of colourful blocks of Lego.

‘Wow!’ Daniel’s mouth opened. ‘Is it... a camera?’ He asked, attempting to tug at one of the bricks.

‘That’s exactly what it is, you smart boy!’

‘Like mum’s?’ He asked and pointed it towards me.

‘It’s just like mine.’ I replied, taking a step towards him and feeling Esti’s hand drop away from my waist. I bent down so that I was level with Daniel, and I held the camera in both of our hands. ‘You know how cameras work, don’t you? I’ve taught you _so_ many times, you could probably come and work for me and Audrey, couldn’t you?’ I asked. Daniel only smiled at me, revealing a small chip in his front tooth from when he’d tripped up in the playground several months prior.

‘It’s beautiful, Audrey.’ Esti spoke over the chatter that was now growing louder; Ed was speaking quite loudly about his first speaking role in the West End, while the mothers giggled and the men growled quietly between themselves.

‘Oh, it is nothing.’ Audrey waved her hand as she always did. ‘I was going to get him a gold watch, but Ronit told me not to.’ She grinned down at me.

‘That was probably a wise idea.’ Esti replied. ‘He’s clumsy like his mum. Sorry, Audrey, did you want to sit?’ She started to rise from her chair but Audrey shooed her back down again.

‘Non, non, non, you sit, _ma chérie_. I have to speak with Ronit, anyway; dull business talk.’ She made a face and gave me a look as if to say our conversation had to be a private one. ‘I hope you enjoy your camera, Daniel.’

‘Thank you.’ Daniel repeated, turning the camera over in his hands and clicking buttons on it wildly.

‘Why don’t you go and show your friends, love?’ I asked him, and we left the chatter of the living room behind us. Daniel scampered off to his bedroom and Audrey followed me into the kitchen.

‘They’re going to devour Ed in there, Audrey. Are you sure you want to leave them alone?’ I asked, glad to be alone in the kitchen with her. I took a swig of wine.

‘Oh _mon amour_ ,’ Audrey scoffed. ‘He would never.’ She started stroking the birthday cards lining one of the shelves. ‘This is adorable.’ She said, picking up one of the cards that had an illustration of safari animals spelling out the number ‘6’. She started reading the inside. ‘Oh dear.’ She looked up at me with a concerned expression. ‘This is from Beth?’

I nodded.

‘She is... still in contact?’

‘She sends Daniel a card every year.’

‘And not Leah?’

‘I don’t think she knows about Leah.’ I said, suddenly wanting a cigarette.

‘Oh, what a sadly odd woman.’ Audrey said, placing the card back gently.

‘As long as she never actually turns up at the door.’ I said, leaning against the kitchen counter. ‘What did you want to talk about then?’

‘Ah, yes. Business.’ Audrey turned on her heel and sauntered towards me. ‘Now, Ronit, you know how much I hate talking about business, so I will keep this short, but I do not think this news will make you happy.’

A small stone started to sink in my stomach. ‘What is it?’

‘Taj and Lulu, you remember them? They’re handling our New York accounts.’

‘Yes, I remember.’ I’d only met them over teleconferencing, but Taj was a handsome, well-built man with a thick Ghanaian accent and bone structure you would only see chiselled out of marble, and Lulu was a petite, flamboyantly dressed beauty from South Korea.

‘And you remember they told us the other day,’ Audrey started pulling her cigarette box out of her pocket as though she was reading my mind. ‘They were bidding to be partners with the next PhotoPlus Conference people?’ Audrey said, gesticulating as though she had no time to learn the real titles.

‘Mm.’ I said, growing more and more nervous. I hadn’t wanted us to go for that, not initially. I knew what it would mean; we were still a new organisation and it was a massive partnership. I knew it would strain us, but I was convinced into applying for it after a meeting with Condé Nast, our main financial backer. I had completely forgotten about it after Lulu and Taj applied, thinking it would never happen.

‘Well darling... we got it. Lulu emailed this morning.’ She put a cigarette in her mouth and offered me one.

‘Jesus Christ.’ I said, declining the cigarette against my will. My head started rushing.

‘And, you know what this means, Ronit?’ I couldn’t work out Audrey’s expression; she looked excited but apprehensive at the same time.

I didn’t respond immediately. ‘They need us in New York?’

Audrey nodded. ‘For _at least_ six months, permanently.’ She said proudly, whilst lighting her cigarette and leaning out of the window.

‘Fuck.’ I said. ‘I knew this would happen. I knew – this is exactly why-’

‘Ronit,’ Audrey rolled her eyes and flicked her ponytail. ‘This is only a good thing for the business, you know this? It is huge.’

‘It’s not the business I’m worried about.' I said, feeling exhilaration and nerves combatting inside me. ‘Fuck, you know I didn’t tell Esti about it.’ My own voice was hushed now.

‘You didn’t tell her?’ Audrey asked, frowning and crumpling her perfect features. ‘Why ever not?’

‘It just... slipped my mind.’

‘That, _mon amour_ , I find hard to believe.’ She threw her head back and laughed. ‘You didn’t think we would get it, did you?’

My mouth twisted into a grimace; she knew me too well. ‘When do they need us?’ I asked, feeling a heat in my palms and the balls of my feet.

‘Initial meetings start at the end of September, beginning of October.’

Three months away. ‘I’ll... I’ll have to tell Esti then. I can’t be away from her for that long again... I...’

‘It is not so difficult.’ Audrey said casually. ‘Take her with you.’

‘I can’t do that, Audrey.’ I said, running my hand through my hair. ‘I can’t pluck Daniel out of school and Esti out of her job.’

Audrey tittered again. ‘My love, Daniel will be fine in an American school; he will be so popular _non_? With that face and that voice? Leah? She will never know the difference. And Esti? She will not need a job with the money we will be earning from this; have you not read the email? Here, I’ll-’

‘But she likes her job.’ I said. ‘She likes working.’

Audrey wrinkled her nose. ‘That must be an English thing, I have never heard of that before. Here, read.’ She handed me her phone and I skimmed through a long, enthusiastic passage from Lulu.

‘You don’t know.’ Audrey continued and stubbed out her cigarette. ‘Esti might love the idea.’

I nodded and handed her phone back. I thought about it. The rapid thoughts rushed through my head; the idea of going back to New York, taking my family with me this time, reconnecting with old friends and getting back into that lifestyle. I thought of taking Esti back to Central Park, the three of us strolling through the streets of Brooklyn while we took Daniel to school and pushed Leah in her pram. We’d be so far away from Hendon, from our old lives, but we’d also be far away from Dovid.

At that moment, the doorbell rang.

‘I’d better get that.’ I said.

‘Who else are we expecting?’ Audrey enquired lazily, as though she didn’t really care for the answer. She was following me towards the front door.

‘A few more of Daniel’s friends.’ I said, pausing just before the living room. ‘And his father.’

‘Esti’s ex-husband?’ Audrey asked with a quiet snicker. ‘I finally get to meet him.’

‘Behave, won’t you?’ I said, raising an eyebrow.

‘Never.’ She said with a wink, turning into the living room. I heard the voices go quiet, I took a breath to clear my head and I headed towards the door.


	40. The Party Pt. 2

‘Ronit.’ Dovid greeted me with a brief smile, though I could barely see it under his bushy, wiry hair. He was looking so much older, a greyer beard and fatigued eyes; it shocked me more and more every time I saw him.

‘Dovid! It’s so lovely to see you.’ I almost hugged him, but I quickly remembered the rules and took a step back, stumbling slightly against the wall. ‘Shayna, you came as well, wonderful. And Jessica, come in, come in. When was the last time we all saw each other? Must have been _your_ birthday, Jessica!’

Shayna blew through her long nose and stepped into the flat with her head bent forward, pulling a toddling, podgy Jessica behind her. Shayna’s face looked fuller and less gaunt than normal, she had more colour in her cheeks.

‘Ronit.’ She muttered under her throaty breath; her voice was deep and lined with an emotion I couldn’t decipher.

‘Come through to the kitchen all of you. I’ll go and get Daniel, he’ll be so excited you’re here.’ I heard the fake enthusiasm in my voice; I was speaking on autopilot, thoughts of New York and Esti’s reaction still fluttering around my head.

Dovid and Shayna didn’t say much as they situated themselves in the kitchen, they didn’t lean or sit though they easily could have; they remained standing stiffly as though touching anything in our home had the potential to make them violently ill. Esti came through a few seconds after we did, she offered the same uncomfortable smile she reserved for them.

‘Dovid, Shayna, hello.’ She said, with a deep strain in her voice. ‘Hello Jessica. That’s a very pretty dress.’

Dovid’s mood shifted, he greeted Esti warmly, but Shayna didn’t say anything in response, if anything, her head drooped lower. For as long as I could remember, there had always been a rift of awkwardness between Esti and Shayna. Something sat unbalanced between them and I think it had only deteriorated since Shayna and Dovid’s wedding. I was just about to escape to retrieve Daniel, but in a flash, he had dashed into the kitchen in a flurry; his curls bobbing on his head and getting into his eyes. He ran straight for Dovid, who hoisted him up into his arms.

‘My boy.’ Dovid exclaimed proudly. ‘Are you having a good birthday?’

‘Yeah! I got a… I got a new bike from mums,’ he pointed at me and Esti. ‘And games from my friends! And I got a Batman and Spiderman toy, they’re broken, they need bat-trees.’ He looked at Dovid then mildly out of breath, he ran his fingers through Dovid’s beard. ‘What did you get me?’

‘Daniel.’ Esti reprimanded him lightly. ‘Now don’t you remember what we said? Birthdays aren’t all about presents.’

I heard Shayna mumble something under her breath.

‘Sorry, what was that Shayna?’ I asked her in the friendliest tone I could muster, taking a glug of my wine.

‘Nothing.’ She replied.

‘Good, I didn’t think so.’ I replied, wincing. The wine was tart. ‘Would you like a drink? Juice? Wine? Tequila?’ I asked, amusing myself while Esti busied herself with Dovid and Daniel. I looked over to see if she’d heard me teasing Shayna, but she hadn’t.

‘No.’ Shayna replied. ‘Thank you.’

‘Would Jessica like anything?’ I asked, turning back to face them. ‘Esti made kosher snacks.’

‘We’re fine.’ Shayna said.

I almost asked her why she bothered to come, but I didn’t want to upset anyone or ruin Daniel’s birthday party. Shayna shook Jessica’s hand away, but Jessica whined and clung to her leg, not daring to face the room.

_Separation anxiety._ I thought. I’d read about it in all of the parenting books that now crammed our shelves; baby books, baby development, babies. That had been our entire life the past few months; all we’d had to fill our lives with. We’d barely had time for each other. I couldn’t help but sigh. I knew that while Esti and Dovid were distracted by Daniel, I would have to force conversation with Shayna. It was like holding smoke in your hands trying to talk to her, an impossible, unenjoyable task.

‘So, Shayna, how have you been?’ I asked, feeling the exertion in my voice and trying not to listen to whatever Dovid, Esti and Daniel were talking about.

‘Fine.’ She straightened her back and tucked her bottom lip under her top.

‘How’s Hendon? Still the buzzing hotspot I left behind? Mad parties? Drugs?’

Shayna sneered, but she looked mildly amused. ‘We have some news actually.’ She said in a more hushed voice.

‘You’re pregnant.’ I blurted out. Her face turned almost purple.

‘Well, I was going to wait for Dovid to tell you both, but…. Yes.’

‘I knew it.’ I said. ‘You look….’

‘Fat?’

‘No, no. You look… healthy.’

Shayna scoffed, I think I noticed her shoulders relax slightly. ‘That’s wonderful news, really. Congratulations. God, being fertile in that community is like winning the lottery, isn’t it?’

Shayna tensed again. ‘It’s usually very straightforward. Some women just don’t produce as well as others.’ Her eyes wandered around the room.

‘I think you’re right.’ I agreed, nodding. ‘I know exactly what you mean. I’ve never had any trouble getting Esti pregnant, it’s great.’

Shayna looked as though she’d been robbed of all of the air in her lungs and a frown of disgust shrouded her entire face. At that moment, thankfully, Leah started wailing.

‘I’ll be back in a minute.’ I said with a smile. I made a point of stroking Esti’s waist on my way out.

 

I reached Leah’s room and was greeted by the intense, shrill cry from her tiny lungs.

‘There, there, lovely.’ I cooed and lifted her up gently. ‘What is the matter, darling?’ I asked her as I rested her across my shoulder; her head smelled like baby powder. Her crying eventually dimmed to a quiet whine and she even started to smile; her bright, hazel eyes stared up at me and I lost myself in them until I heard the door creak open.

‘Hello.’ Esti peeked around the door.

‘Hello.’ I said, looking up. Esti looked beautiful today; she was wearing a dark blue, sleeveless dress that stopped just above the knee and her hair and make-up were subtle but made her look naturally dazing.

‘How is she?’ She asked, as she stepped towards us; bringing the scent of her perfume that played on her skin with her.

‘She was a tad upset, but she’s better now.’ I gazed back down at our daughter and smiled as her little fist clenched the chain of my mother’s golden pendant around my neck. ‘Did you hear their news?’

‘Mm.’ Esti replied, her tone and expression indecipherable. She started stroking Leah’s hair with her thumb. ‘Dovid just told me.’

‘What do you think? Second of many?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Think they’re trying to keep up with us?’ I suggested with a smirk.

‘It’s just what they do, isn’t it?’ Esti sighed, with no acknowledgement of my playfulness. I caught her eyes, they looked distant and sad, as though she was reliving a painful memory.

Just outside the door, I heard a loud French accent shouting over all of the other sounds in the house. ‘ _Mon Dieu_! You _must_ be the daddy!’

‘Jesus.’ I laughed. ‘We need to go out there and protect the _frum_.’

‘You can go, I’ll stay with her.’ Esti gestured for Leah and I passed her over.

‘Are you all right, sweetheart?’ I tucked a tress of her hair behind her ear. I felt the soft skin of her neck under my fingers and leaned in to kiss her; her lips puckered to meet mine and we shared a short embrace because she pulled back.

‘You taste like wine.’ Esti said, offering a blank smile. ‘What was it Audrey wanted to talk to you about?’ She asked, lifting Leah up as she’d started to grumble again.

‘Oh, that.’ I said, attempting to simultaneously sniff my own breath and avoid the question. ‘It was- I’ll- we can talk about it later.’ I stuttered as I made my way to the door.

‘Do you have to go back to New York?’ Her question sound bright, and it took me by surprise. My head was suddenly feeling overwhelmed and busy. I was irritated, probably unfairly so, that she had thrust it upon me, without having any time to prepare for the conversation.

‘Darling, we’ll talk about it later.’

‘I just want to-’

‘Esti.’

‘Because if you do-’

‘I said later!’ My voice was harsh and curt.

I saw her jaw flex for a second, her lips pursed, and she turned back to the cot. In an affronted tone, she uttered the word, ‘Fine.’

I knew I should have stayed in the room and resolved whatever had just happened, but I didn’t. I left her alone and suddenly my father’s words came hurtling towards me: _Remember the mitzvah, Ronit. If you hurt someone’s feelings, whether through words or actions – you must apologise and always ask complete forgiveness._ I shoved the words out of my head; I didn’t have time to worry and my father was a hypocrite anyway. If he never apologised for hurting my feelings, why should I follow his teachings?

When I reached the kitchen, Audrey was leaning against the kitchen side with an unlit cigarette hanging out of her mouth, her chest was pushed out towards Dovid. ‘Ronit! You did not tell me your cousin was so handsome, _non_? Look at this rugged beard, oh, isn’t it wonderful?’

I forced a smile and looked around the room. Dovid looked uncomfortable, shifting from one foot to the other and looking down at the tiles. Jessica had toddled off, I could hear her gabbling to Daniel somewhere else in another room. Shayna’s face was the most interesting; her features had softened, and she was gawping at Audrey with a look I’d only ever seen once before. The time in the synagogue. I had been sat alone waiting for Esti when Shayna had come along. She took a seat next to me; we were both behind the _mechitzah_ , hidden from the entire sanctuary. I recalled her face before she’d leaned in to kiss me, that was her face now staring at Audrey. I sunk my glass of wine and refilled it immediately.

‘You all make such beautiful babies.’ Audrey’s voice brought me back to the present. ‘And Shayna, is it? You too. Jessica is a delightful cherub. Such beautiful children – you know it makes me want one. Isn’t that preposterous? Tell them Ronit, how preposterous that is.’

‘It’s preposterous.’ I repeated, leaning on the bench next to Shayna.

‘Never wanted children my entire life, and now I see all of these beautiful little faces.’

‘Why?’

I heard the voice ask the question, but I didn’t recognise who it came from immediately. It was Shayna, except she didn’t sound like Shayna at all.

‘Why what, _ma cherie_?’ Audrey’s eyes settled on her, and Shayna twisted her hands together; I saw that her palms were bright red. Did I hear her whimper? It definitely sounded like a whimper.

‘Why have you never wanted children?’ She asked, slightly louder this time.

‘Oh,’ Audrey sighed. ‘It was just never for me, getting fat with a baby, giving birth to a baby. No.’ She shook her head. ‘Conceiving a baby, wonderful… but not the rest.’ Dovid cleared his throat loudly. ‘But I have reached this stage- you have a word for it in English, _non_? Broody?’

Shayna nodded eagerly but didn’t say anymore; her cheeks were bright red and her mouth was open, but no words were coming out. I wanted to run and tell Esti, to giggle with her over it, but I remembered the awkward conversation we had to have, so I just drained my wine instead.

 

The party went on for several more hours, I tried to tidy as I went along but I soon got a taste for wine and let it get the better of me. I couldn’t get New York out of my head. I thought about what I’d be doing if I was there now; drinking most likely. Drinking, dancing, having fun, but here I was elbow deep in egg sandwiches and juice cups. I shook off the discomfort and thought about Daniel and Leah.

Guests mingled from room to room and conversed with each other, though I noticed Dovid move out of every room that Audrey was in. It was entirely the opposite when it came to Shayna however; wherever Audrey was, Shayna was soon following behind, ignoring a grouchy Jessica who complained after her with every step. Esti and I brushed shoulders with each other but didn’t interact much; I felt like she was ignoring me, and I started to feel overly defensive.

Soon the parents started filtering out, taking their loud, obnoxious children with them. One of the mother’s had demanded Ed’s business card before leaving.

‘You must come to ours, you must.’ She slurred as she wrestled with her coat, one of her hands was planted on Ed’s chest and her red-wine stained lips were pouting. ‘For the… acting lessons for Joshua.’ She followed up.

‘Sounds great.’ Ed said. ‘Just give my agent a call.’

‘I absolutely will.’ The woman said before stumbling down the steps to leave. ‘I absolutely will!’ She repeated, falling into her husband’s arms.

When it came time for Dovid and Shayna to leave, I got the impression that Shayna desperately wanted to stay. She’d shared several conversations with Audrey and when Dovid had mentioned they had to leave to beat traffic, she’d snapped at him. But eventually they did leave, after Shayna had taken Audrey’s full name down.

‘Just so that I can see your… your work.’ She had said, scribbling Audrey’s name into a scruffy notebook from her handbag.

‘I have a couple of photos you might like Shayna.’ I said, feeling wicked and drunk. ‘From the very first shoot I did with Audrey.’

‘Oh Ronit, don’t be cruel.’ Audrey gentled brushed my hand with hers. Shayna looked confused. ‘It was lovely to meet you properly Shayna.’ She leaned in and kissed Shayna’s beetroot cheeks twice; her eyes closed momentarily. ‘And Dovid, you also, of course. But… I cannot touch you, is that right?’

‘That’s right.’ Dovid mumbled. He was holding a snoozing Jessica in his arms, creating an obvious barrier between himself and Audrey.

‘Then I must not touch you.’ Audrey said, her hands dropping away from Shayna.

Esti and I saw them out of the door, wordlessly. Once Esti closed the door, I went to touch her, but she pulled away.

‘Esti,’ I started.

‘Is it “later” now? Am I allowed to talk to you?’ She asked, lifting up Daniel’s coat that had fallen to the floor.

‘Don’t be like that.’

‘I just want to be sure.’

‘Esti, for god’s sake.’

‘It was a simple question, Ronit. I didn’t need you to snap at me.’

‘I-’ I felt myself almost growl. ‘I’m sorry.’ I’d been saying that a lot recently. ‘I didn’t mean to snap. I didn’t.’ I took her hand in mine. ‘But it’s not a simple discussion.’

‘So, you _do_ have to go to New York?’

I chewed my lip. ‘It’s something we could all do together.’

‘All of us?’ She looked up at me, her eyes caught me off guard. I started stroking her cheek. ‘You want that?’

‘This is what we need to talk about.’

She gave a resigned, brisk nod and sighed. ‘Okay.’ She sniffed. ‘Okay, we’ll talk about it later.’

‘Good, that’s- that’s all I wanted.’ I kissed her again.

‘Errrr, tha’s gross. Stop kissing.’ A small voice echoed behind us. I turned on my heel and saw Daniel standing in the hallway with a mischievous look on his face. I had seen that look before, whenever I saw pictures of me as a child. It gave me a warm pulse in my chest.

‘Fine.’ Esti said before I had a chance to say anything. ‘But we’ll have to kiss you instead.’ With that, we both chased him to the kitchen as he squawked with glee.

 

Audrey held and fussed over Leah for an hour before she and Ed left.

‘She really is a miracle, isn’t she? She has your eyes, Ronit. Again, those big, brave eyes. But Esti, she has your brow, your dimples. I can see them already.’ Esti blushed slightly and I finished the last of the wine by myself.

‘With any luck, the eyes are the only thing she’ll inherit from me.’ I joked.

‘Nonsense.’ Audrey shooed the words away. ‘She’ll be the luckiest child in the world if she is a perfect mixture of the both of you.’

As I watched them walk away into the warm evening, hand in hand and both smoking, I heard Audrey say ‘I want one’ to Ed. I closed the door to the night and strolled back inside the flat. I was going to mention it to Esti, so that we could laugh over it, but she was busy cleaning away glasses, plates and the platters of food that had been left by our guests. She’d employed Daniel as her assistant while Leah laid on her playmat, kicking her long legs out and murmuring as they passed her. All of us tidied as a team. Daniel was on picking up duty, I was washing up and Esti was putting away. It took longer than normal because Daniel kept throwing dirty plastic cups and plates into the bin, and my movements felt thick and heavy because of the wine I’d consumed. I still had that knotty irritation inside me, and I didn’t know why.

Esti bathed him and Leah separately, tucked them both into their beds and I joined them for a bedtime story. One they were both sleeping, we went into the living room and I collapsed onto the sofa together while Esti lit a few candles.

‘That was exhausting. Let’s never do it again.’ I said.

‘I think we did well.’ She replied, facing ahead. I think she was staring at a red wine mark on the coffee table.

‘We did very well. We’ll be eating like Jewish kings for months.’ I put a hand on her leg and she shifted underneath it.

There was a short silence.

‘So, New York?’ She said.

I nodded. ‘New York.’

‘Why?’

I took a deep breath and sighed loudly. I automatically started rubbing my temples; I felt foggy in my head, slow and sluggish. ‘Audrey had us sign up for this- this collaboration, with a huge photography event. It’s in Manhattan. Next summer. The planning begins… well, I think it’s already started.’

‘Okay.’

‘It’s a big ask, I know that. And I know how you feel about Dovid and Daniel, I know it’ll be hard.’

She was shaking her head. ‘It’s… we can’t root ourselves to a spot just for that reason.’ I felt my eyebrows rise. ‘If Dovid had to go off somewhere, he would go. And he wouldn’t be able to take Daniel with him.’

‘No, he wouldn’t.’ I said quickly. ‘I’d break his nose if he even suggested it.’

‘Ronit.’ She rebuked me. ‘It’s something I’ve been thinking about.’

‘What? Breaking Dovid’s nose?’

‘No.’ She scoffed. ‘Going back to New York, for you. I think- I think you miss it, more than you let on.’

I found myself nodding. I smoothed down the creases in my shirt and studied my hands.

‘I never wanted to ask you to move, if you didn’t want to.’ I said. ‘It’ll be an adventure.’ I said limply.

‘It would be. It would be amazing, I really think Daniel would love it. Now he’s more grown up, he’ll appreciate it more.’

‘Then… let’s look at it. Together.’

‘Yeah?’

She nodded. ‘I want you, and if you’re going to be in New York, then I want to be in New York with you, and with our children.’

I couldn’t speak; I hadn’t expected the conversation to go this way, I’d been anxious over nothing. I did what I most wanted and leaned into her, resting my hand on her waist as our lips met. My hand crept down to her leg and I stroked the bare skin of her thigh, ruffling her dress. She took a shaky breath inside my mouth and pulled away. She gave a brief smile and touched my face.

‘I’m- I’m quite tired sweetheart.’ Her eyes were lined with an odd sorrow. I felt a plunge in the pit of my stomach.

‘That’s okay.’ I said, staring at her lips and grasping at the short-lived opportunity while it was there. ‘You don’t have to do anything. Just lay back.’

‘No, I- I can’t.’ She shifted away from me.

‘But- but it’s- why?’

‘I told you. I’m tired.’ She said, sounding overly guarded. She brought her arms across her chest, one of her hands gripped her shoulder. I pushed the inside of my cheek out with my tongue.

‘You were tired last night as well.’ I said, sitting back against the sofa. I thought I might as well make myself comfortable for the next difficult conversation we’d have. It was something I’d kept under the surface for weeks, maybe even months. I’d held back every snide comment, every remark I’d wanted to make, but the alcohol in my system was making me stupid and brave. ‘The night before that, I think you had a stomach ache. Before that it was a headache.’

‘Ronit, stop it.’

‘In fact, I can’t actually remember the last time we-’

‘Please don’t start.’ She’d entirely faced away from me, not looking at me at all.

‘I’m not starting anything, I just- want to know what’s wrong with you. Or what’s wrong with me.’

‘Nothing is wrong with me. Or you.’ She exhaled and stood up. ‘It’s- it’s been a long day.’

‘It has been a long day.’ I agreed. ‘But I still want you.’ I paused. ‘Why don’t you want me?’

‘Jesus, I do- I do want you, of course I want you. God, you’re…’

‘What?’

‘You’re always like this when you drink.’

I stood up, I rose above her so that she had to look up at me. ‘Like what?’ I asked.

‘Like… this. Whiny and demanding. It’s not exactly seductive.’

‘I’m not- I’m not-’ I said, trying to pull back the hostility mounting inside me. ‘Why are you avoiding having sex with me? It’s been so long, Esti.’ Suddenly the truth was pouring out of me; frustrations that I’d let build up without voicing were drowning us in the living room.

‘Is this whinging supposed to turn me on?’ She asked.

I couldn’t help but laugh. I started to feel a hot swell in my neck; the anticipation and adrenaline that pumped through me before a fight. ‘I wouldn’t know. I’ve forgotten what that’s like.’

She was shaking her head, so I continued. ‘The doctor said,’ I said, holding back a hiccup. ‘It’s been long enough. You should be fine down there to-’

‘Why do you always have to be so blunt?’ She said, her eyes penetrating me. ‘You’ve been tired too you know.’

I paused for a moment. ‘I have. I have. But at least I’m _trying_. I’m trying to- have fun with you.’

She scoffed. ‘This is you trying to have fun?’ Her shoulders dropped, and her mouth twisted.

‘I… I need it, Esti.’ I felt myself sinking. ‘I know you went years without sex, well, good sex, but I didn’t. I need it.’

‘I can’t-’ She took a step back. ‘I can’t believe you just said that.’

I paused. What had I said that was so bad? I was feeling dazed, angry and driven by the ache between my legs that had persisted for weeks; the ache she wouldn’t acknowledge.

‘I just want you.’

‘I told you already, I don’t want to.’

‘But why, Esti?’ I heard myself then; I did sound whiny.

She groaned, and her head lolled to one side. ‘It’s just- since Leah- I just… noticed my body- it’s-’

‘What?’

‘It’s a mum’s body.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s- it’s changed. It looks different, and I don’t like it.’

‘What’s changed?’ I asked; my frown was starting to hurt my forehead.

‘I have… stretch marks everywhere, and I’m… flabby.’

I started to laugh, completely unable to control it.

‘Don’t laugh.’ She said, closing her eyes again.

‘Flabby?’ I said the word.

‘Please.’

‘Flabby?’ I repeated the word louder, my glower completely transformed into a sour grin.

‘Ronit.’

‘We’ve not been having sex because you’re worried about a little belly fat? Jesus Christ.’ I slapped my forehead with my palm. ‘It’s been months, literal months, Esti.’

‘I know-’

‘I just… can’t believe it.’ I tried to take a step back, but I ended up stumbling over a toy. ‘I can’t. There’s got to be something else.’

‘I just haven’t been in the mood.’ She said, her voice dropping away.

I turned and stepped out of the living room.

‘Where are you going?’ She asked, I heard her footsteps behind me.

‘To have some fun.’ I said, wrenching the door open and closing it behind me.

 

The evening was choking as I ran away. The air was humid and tinged with the scent of budding gorse bushes from our neighbour’s patio garden. I had no idea where I was going, only one thing was driving me now: more alcohol. I suddenly remembered there was a pub around the corner, our local. We’d been in there only once when I suggested all four of us go there for lunch, we’d taken one step inside and immediately left again; it was no place for children. I’m not entirely sure it was a place for a lone, drunk, self-pitying woman; but I made my way there anyway.

I stepped through the door; the pub was dingy, dark and filled with the stale smell of men. The chatter died as each of their heads snapped to me, only the melody of a slow, classic rock song emitting from a crackly jukebox filled up the room. I was suddenly aware that my shirt was clinging to my breasts, waist and hips. I felt my phone buzz in my back pocket. I ignored it, stood up straight and marched to the bar.

‘Double vodka.’ I said to the barman, feeling the other punter’s eyes stuck to me and savouring the attention. The barman was tall and dark, and his arms were large, toned and tattooed; he made the low-ceilinged pub seem even more cramped.

‘D’you want a mixer with that love?’ He leered.

‘No.’ I said, shaking my head and trying not to stare at his arms. ‘Just, straight.’

I heard a few of the men around me murmuring, amused or impressed by me, I couldn’t tell; I didn’t care. As soon as the barman set the drink down, I knocked it back quickly, to the sound of loud cheers around the bar.

‘Her next one’s on me.’ One of them called out while the alcohol burned the back of my throat.

‘Mine after that.’ Another yelled.

I took a deep breath and carried on drinking until I started to forget about the buzzing in my pocket. I imagined myself somewhere else, somewhere I was younger, wanted and fun.

‘’ve not seen you in ‘ere before darlin’.’ A man with a gruff voice whispered in my ear. The jukebox went quiet, and then another rock song started blasting out of it. I had the strangest urge to dance.

‘Don’t waste your time talkin’ to ‘im babe.’ Another piped up, guffawing like a moron. ‘He’s a lot older than he looks.’

‘She’s married anyway you prick.’ The first man said. ‘Look at ‘er hand.’

I turned my entire body to face them; the first man did look old, he had bushy, black eyebrows, sad wrinkles and a five o’clock shadow that made him look dirty. The second man, though moronic, was more attractive, he had a sharper jaw, defined facial hair and more intense eyes; I kept my attention on him.

‘No one is married inside these walls.’ The more attractive one said with a smirk. ‘What’s your name babe?’

‘Ronit.’ I said, wrapping my fingers around my empty glass and trying to stabilise my balance, and focus my vision.

‘I’m Ben.’ The second one said, that’s all I cared about. I didn’t want the other one’s name. ‘What do you do?’ He asked.

‘Ben, I didn’t come here to talk.’ I said, feeling a blister of bile churning in my stomach. ‘Do you want to dance?’ I asked the words, but they sounded like someone else’s. The room was starting to spin and the throbbing between my legs was growing tremendously distracting.

He might have said some words in response, but I didn’t hear them. I stalked towards the small dancefloor, with Ben’s presence close behind me. As soon as we reached the floor, he pressed himself against me; I knew it was wrong, but it was satisfying. Knowing he wanted me, knowing every man in the building wanted me; I felt myself starting to feel light and desirable. Ben and I were the only ones on the square of wooden patterned tiles, our bodies swaying and bopping to the awful, cheesy songs pushing through the pub. His hands started to wander, they started around my shoulders and upper back, then they were clasped to my hips, then they slid further down.

‘So, why’re you here?’ I yelled over the music, trying to pull away from his creeping hands.

‘Got nothin’ better to do.’ He bellowed back, his breath stank like beer and cigarettes. ‘What’s your fella done then?’

‘What?’

‘Your fella? Must’ve upset you for you to be in ‘ere.’ He was starting to grind on me, grabbing my waist.

‘Oh, no, no, no.’ I shook my head. ‘It’s my wife. She doesn’t want to have sex with me.’ I yelled quite boldly.

I couldn’t decipher his face, I didn’t want to. Eventually, he started to laugh.

‘Why do you think we’re all in here?’ He said. It took me a moment to understand, but soon we were both laughing.

We danced for several more songs, each with different tempos, songs that we knew all of the lyrics too. He bought shots and we drank together, and I playfully batted off other men who approached me. I kept my focus on Ben, who seemed oddly jealous of the attention I was getting. It was loose, detached fun, and I was giggling again. Stranger to stranger, it felt nostalgic. It was fine, everything was smooth, and I thought I’d blasted my frustrations away. I thought I could go back to Esti and be sensible and mature, but the mood quickly shifted when a slow song came on. An achingly, gentle ballad about a lost love played out and Ben pressed his crotch against me, I felt a stiffness that made my gut lurch. I should have known that was coming, this was stupid. A stupid, fucking moronic decision that I had to weasel out of now. I craned my neck up to tell him to stop, but he jammed his wet mouth against mine. I struggled against him, hitting him back with my fists and making him angry.

He started to shout, I think he was insulting me, and other men who had been watching us started to jeer and taunt us and suddenly the room was spinning out of control and my stomach was flipping inside me.

‘I have to leave.’ I mumbled under my breath, tasting the bitter alcohol on my tongue.

I lurched towards the door and bumped my legs against the tables and chairs in my way. I had to get home.

I somehow found my way. I don’t know how long it took me and I patted down my pockets for keys, but I stupidly hadn’t brought any out with me. I lightly tapped on the bell, praying to a god I didn’t believe in that it wouldn’t wake Leah. The door buzzed me through and I ascended the steps with slow shame. The door was already on the latch, waiting for me to push it to.

I went through to the kitchen with an anxious boulder sitting in my chest; Esti was pacing in the kitchen, her face was red and her hair looked ruffled and messy.

‘I’m sor-’

‘You’re so selfish sometimes.’ She said with finality. She was looking at me, her eyes pointed daggers.

‘I know.’

‘You’re acting like- like we’re teenagers again.’

‘I know.’

She shook her head and covered her face with her hands. ‘How many times do we have to have the same conversation?’

‘What?’ My mind was too cloudy, and my heart was thudding too hard to recall.

‘This conversation. Where you get restless or energetic and you just drop everything and go and do what _you_ want to do. Where you don’t want to have an adult conversation, so you go out, or you get stupid drunk or you just… run away.’

I clenched my jaw and flexed it.

‘You can’t run from this Ronit, you have children.’

I took a sharp breath. ‘I know.’

‘If you’re acting like this now, how will you act in New York?’

‘I’ll feel better in New York.’

‘Will you? Or will you just see what your life used to be? Will you compare it to your new one? What if you want to go back to that? Back to drinking, drugs and…’

I knew what she wanted to say; _men_.

‘I won’t ever- ever want that again.’ I said, feeling myself swaying. I took a step towards her. ‘Ever.’

‘How do you know? If you’re willing to just run out and go wherever.’ She huffed. ‘Where did you even go?’

‘To the pub.’ I said, she shook her head in exasperation and started laughing. ‘I am sorry. I am.’

‘I don’t want to get used to this, Ronit. I can’t. I want- I need to know that you’re happy.’

‘I am happy.’ I tucked my head down but looked up at her, did her eyes soften? ‘I’m so happy. I love you.’

Her shoulders slumped, and she tilted her head. ‘I’m glad you’re back.’

We were standing closer now. I could smell myself, I smelt disgusting; smoke, drink and ghastly pub stench. I leant into Esti’s neck and kissed her, breathing in the fragrant scent of her perfume. I felt exhausted, weary and ashamed. She let me kiss her, her skin was so soft and tempting that I moaned slightly.

‘I’m sorry. I love you. I love you.’ I said, each word whispered after a kiss. I heard her breathing harden.

‘I love you too.’ She said. ‘I just wish you wouldn’t- do stupid things.’

‘Would I be me if I didn’t?’

She laughed at that, even though my question was serious.

‘I suppose not.’ She said, tilting her head. The paths of our eyes met and in the hazel green I saw my life. I saw my past, I saw myself growing up with her, learning about her, touching her for the first time. I saw myself pining for her all the time, craving the touch of her. I saw myself in New York, an emptiness in my chest. Lines carved into my heart which spelled out her name. I saw us now, I saw our children and the love we had for each other. I would have never found anything like that in the pub, or at the bottom of a bottle of wine.

‘I love you.’ I said again, going for her lips this time. She kissed me back and held my face with a tenderness I felt I didn’t deserve.

‘I love you, so much.’ She said, letting her tongue play with mine.

I didn’t push it. I didn’t want to force anything, not now. I let her control the kiss, and soon I felt her hands pressing against my lower back, her fingers spreading over the material of my blouse. She let out a small sigh and she pushed her chest against me.

Our kisses grew fervent and eager, our bodies clasped together, and our hands ran over one other with a zealousness we hadn’t experienced in a long time. She rolled her tongue in my mouth and her hand dipped into my jeans; her fingers pushed against my clit and I staggered forward.

‘Fuck.’ I panted, and she moaned; a deep, sensual sound that filled me with need.

I was dizzy, drunk and blindly roused, but I was aware that Esti was sinking. My eyes peeled open and I saw she was on her knees, I took a deep breath while she seamlessly undid the zips and buttons of my jeans. She looked up at me, as she eased my underwear down. I spread my legs further apart and she extended her tongue until I felt it, and bent double with pleasure.

‘Fucking- fuck Esti.’ I whimpered, trying desperately to keep quiet. She didn’t stop, she licked and sucked me until my eyes started to roll. My legs started to shake and give out, and I was forced to grab her head. ‘I can’t- darling, I can’t.’

She pulled her head back, her eyes overflowing with lust. ‘Let’s go to bed.’ She said, with no hint of wanting to sleep. I nodded excitedly, and we stumbled into the bedroom. She stayed in between my legs. I felt her tongue in new ways that night, she gave me her mouth in every way I wanted. I eventually came, it was a long, hedonistic orgasm. One that took a might effort not to scream out, one that made Esti push her mouth against mine to conceal the sounds I was making, while her fingers continued to circle my clit gently. She gave me more and more; she coaxed every last orgasm from me with her mouth and lapped everything between my legs until I couldn’t breathe, and we were both spent.

Afterwards, she laid in my arms and cuddled into me. She fell asleep before I did, I could still feel the wetness of her mouth pressing into my side, as the short, deep breaths warmed me. As my eyes closed, I was reminded of a time when we were girls. A time when she’d held me for a long while I slept on her. I pulled her in and kissed the top of her head and she let out a happy sound.

I would be better in New York, I reassured myself, I knew I would. Here I was reminded of what it was to be a child, to be hated by the community I grew into, the community I was rejected by. I was a better me in New York; I was stronger, smarter and tougher; but the entire time I was missing something, something pivotal, something immense. This time, though, she would be with me.


	41. The Assistant

**Esti**

The trip to New York was a long one. Even before the eight-hour flight, the planning and logistics of the move had started months before we even set foot in the airport. In fact it started almost immediately after Daniel’s birthday, the ending of which still made me feel awful. Ronit and I smoothed over the difficulty with a surprising ease, though my stomach sunk whenever I recalled it. After I let her in, when I let my emotional barriers fall, we talked for hours; we talked until the sun started glimmering through the curtains, despite the fact we were both exhausted, and that she’d had too much to drink. She touched me and I touched her, it was soft and freeing, emotive and liberating. It reminded me of when we were teenagers; staying up late, talking of deep emotions, then moving onto light inane chatter, we were discovering each other again. I’d even been reminded of her tired eyes; when she stayed up for long enough, she’d get a pinkish line along her eyelids and the whites of her eyes would turn glassy and shimmer. I hadn’t seen that since we were girls.

‘You’ve got your tired eyes on.’ I said, stroking her hair behind her ear. In the blue, dim light of the bedroom, her features were blurry but still perfect.

‘Well, that’s ridiculous.’ She said, her voice groggy with fatigue and alcohol. ‘I feel like I could run a marathon.’

We laughed and snoozed until Leah started gurgling over the baby monitor, then I woke up and tended to her. During one of Leah’s naps later in the day and while Daniel was busying himself with his new toys, I watched Ronit sleep. She was still the Ronit I’d fallen in love with as a girl, the same spontaneous, rebellious girl I adored, but in a way, she was someone else. She was a woman now, a woman that I’d fallen in love with in completely new ways; a supportive wife, a provider, an incredible mother to our children. I suppose to some extent, there were still things we were to unearth about each other. Twenty years of catching up might take another twenty years of being together. A thrum of excitement lit up inside me then; twenty years with Ronit. A smile spread across my face as she let out a quiet snore.

 

‘Did you get the passports?’ Ronit barked from the doorway as I buckled Daniel into the rental car. The day had come and we were finally leaving; the sun was starting to set, which was meaningful to me, though I’m not sure Ronit had thought about it.

‘They’re all in my bag.’  I said, turning to face her. She was wearing black jeans that clung to her legs in their entirety, from thigh to ankle, she was also wearing black boots and a leather jacket that made me feel overwhelmed and flustered if I looked at her for too long.

‘And the tickets?’ She asked.

‘All on my phone.’ I replied.

‘And you’ve got the baby? We’ve not left her in the cot again?’ She laughed and readjusted her handbag over her shoulder.

‘Both babies firmly in the car.’ I said with a grin, closing the car door; Daniel was already playing on his portable games console and Leah was gurgling to herself. I took several steps towards Ronit, who was locking our front door for the last time. ‘It’s so strange.’ I said, touching the small of her back, the cool leather felt refreshing under my fingertips.

She nodded briskly and put her arm around my shoulders. ‘It is.’ She agreed. ‘Saying goodbye to our first house.’

‘It’s… it’s sad.’

She nodded again. ‘It is sad... but we’re onto our second house now. That’s exciting.’

‘It is exciting.’ I leaned up and we kissed for a moment. ‘Do you remember the first time we saw this flat?’ I asked, feeling a grin creep along my face.

‘I do, I do.’ Ronit said, taking my hand and leading me down the steps. ‘I remember your face when I asked you to move in, clear as day. I also remember the lovely Anita showing us round.’

‘Oh god, I’d forgotten about her!’ I tittered as I climbed into the passenger seat. ‘She definitely thought I was your nanny.’

‘Well, she wasn’t entirely wrong.’

I jabbed her once we were both in the car. She laughed as she turned back to face Leah and Daniel.

‘Are you both ready?’ She asked them.

‘Yep!’ Daniel said, not looking up from his console. Leah murmured excitedly, offering Ronit a gummy, drooly smile.

‘Where are we going?’ Ronit asked again, her voice growing in pitch and volume.

‘New York baby!’ Daniel replied, this time looking up at her.

We all laughed. Ronit had been saying ‘New York baby’ for weeks and weeks, and it had become an in-joke that we all shared now. I saw Ronit in his face. His eagerness, his curious nature, his courage; all of Ronit’s influence shining through in him. My heart swelled with pride in that moment.

‘Then let’s go!’ Ronit said. ‘New York baby!’ She said one final time.

Then with that, she lurched the car into motion, and we set off to Heathrow.

 

**Ronit**

Flying with children wasn’t half as bad as I thought it would be. We were allowed to get onto the plane first, which was a pleasant surprise that Esti seemed to be aware of. We had said a speedy goodbye to Dovid, who had met us at the terminal entrance. He’d brought Shayna and Jessica along. Shayna had given me a short hug before we went to our gate, which I hadn’t been expecting.

Leah stayed on top of Esti for the majority of the journey; both of them and Daniel slept for most of it. I’d requested business class for all of us, despite Esti’s protests.

I didn’t sleep much at all. I stayed up almost the entire flight, trying to read our strategic plans for the event and drinking Bloody Mary’s. I was too buoyant, too excited and too jittery to even close my eyes. Months of planning, endless phone calls and emails between our London office, Audrey and New York; it was all over now that we were finally heading there. I’d be back in my city, the city I fell in love with, with the woman I was in love with, with my two children. How could I possibly sleep?

My body was electric, as though I was being charged by the city lights I saw in my mind. The monumental buildings, the yellow taxis, the food. I was even looking forward to the loud, obnoxious honking from the traffic, the burning stench of sewage that you’d walk through if you weren’t paying attention to the grey fumes emitting from below. I wanted to eat a $1 pretzel from a street vendor, I wanted to share $60 cocktails with Esti in a hidden speakeasy bar. I wanted our children to grow up knowing those streets were theirs, I wanted them to realise that they could achieve anything they wanted to, just as I had done.

I suppose at some point, I must have fallen asleep.

 

We filed off the plane after it landed. A nervous, pale looking Esti, two tired and whiny children and an exhausted me. It was 6am, and JFK airport was starting to bustle with the flurry of weary, early morning travellers. Coffee shop baristas were starting to pump the air with the sweet smell of charred coffee beans and baking pastries. My stomach swooped when I saw the American flag. I was home.

I led us to the luggage collection belts, but I made Esti stay with Daniel and Leah in Starbucks while I collected all of the bags and one by one wheeled them over. By the time we had all of our bags, we’d gone through four espressos, three egg and cheese croissants, a pain au chocolat and three bottles of orange juice between us.

‘Is this New York?’ Daniel asked, rubbing his eyes.

‘That is New York baby!’ I pointed out towards the taxi rank, where the sky was turning a shade of light navy.

‘It’s not very big.’ Daniel said, taking a swig of juice and dripping it all down him.

‘It’s much bigger out there Daniel.’ Esti said, wiping his mouth and picking flakes of pastry from his collar. ‘Wait until you see your new bedroom.’

‘Is it bigger than my old one?’ Daniel looked up at me sceptically.

‘It’s _so_ much bigger. _Everything_ is bigger in America.’ I said, stroking his wavy hair.

We made our way out towards the arrivals exit. I was expecting we would get a taxi, or that someone from the office had sorted out a rental car for us at least. I left Esti with Daniel and Leah again and headed towards the Hertz car stand when I heard my name being called from across the hall.

‘Ronnie? Ronnie Curtis?’ It was a woman, just as tall as me, but she must have been several years younger, hurrying towards me. She was wearing a dark, plunging blazer cinched in at her waist, with matching slim-leg trousers cropped at the ankle. Her hair was long, dark and tied back in a tight ponytail. ‘Mrs Curtis?’ She asked again, with a humble but dazzling smile.

‘He-hello, yes? I’m Ronit- Ronnie.’ I felt myself frowning with tiredness.

‘Hello Mrs Curtis! I knew it was you.’ She was warm but exuberant and I couldn’t quite place her accent. Her modest makeup was seamless, and her face looked fresh, as though she’d had her prescribed eight hours of sleep and definitely didn’t have any children. ‘My name is Mia, Mia Gekas. How was your flight?’ She held out a perfectly manicured petite hand, which I shook.

‘Ah, hi there Mia.’ I said, forcing a smile. ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to sound rude, but who are you?’

‘Oh, they didn’t tell you?’ She faltered for a moment and pulled a small tablet out from her purse and tapped it several times, quite vigorously. ‘I’m your assistant. I’m here to escort you to your new apartment.’ She said, looking up at me with bright green eyes.

‘Oh.’ I said, slightly taken aback. ‘An assistant?’

‘Yes, of course.’ She laughed. ‘You didn’t have an assistant in London?’

‘No, no I didn’t.’

‘Well, you do now.’ She tucked a loose bit of hair behind her ear and looked over my shoulder. ‘Did you want to get a hire car in particular? It’s just there’s an SUV waiting for you and your family out front.’

‘Ah, right.’ I looked over to where Esti was. ‘Well, I suppose it’d be rude to say no if it’s already here.’ I knew my speech was dopey, I was so tired.

‘Great!’ Mia said with wide eyes. ‘Follow me!’

‘Sure,’ I held up a finger. ‘Just need to retrieve the family!’

‘Of course.’ Mia said, taking a few steps back.

I hurried to where Esti was standing with a wriggling Leah and a bored looking Daniel.

‘Who was that?’ Esti asked almost immediately, her inquisitive eyes still cast behind me.

‘That is, er- my assistant. Her name is Mia.’

‘Assistant?’

‘Yep. Come on, grab a bag, we have a car waiting outside.’

‘You didn’t mention you were getting an assistant.’ Esti said, pulling a heavy suitcase behind her.

‘I had no idea, darling.’ I said, hauling two suitcases towards the exit. ‘Taj and Lulu must have sorted it out.’

Mia introduced herself to everyone, including Leah, on the way to the car, so that I didn’t have to. She then continued to speak for the entire journey into Manhattan.

‘I was hired only last week, so I’ve been just reading up on you and your family, Mrs Curtis, as much as I can.’

‘Please call me Ronnie.’ I said, feeling more relaxed that we were in the back of a luxury car now. Daniel fell asleep in the crook of my arm, and Leah dozed on Esti, who was sitting with a straight back.

‘If you don’t mind me asking, you were both brought up in the Hasidic Jewish community in North London, that is correct?’ Mia asked.

I snorted. ‘I suppose “dragged up” would be more accurate for me,’

Mia laughed politely. ‘I was raised Greek Orthodox, I’m actually originally from Cyprus.’ She said.

That explained the accent, I thought.   

‘Do you still practice?’ Esti asked quickly.

‘No, no, not anymore.’ Mia said, her thin fingers touching her chin. ‘My religion and my professional life didn’t blend very well.’

‘You can’t be a personal assistant and Greek Orthodox?’ Esti asked, seemingly politely but could come across as sarcastic to an oversensitive, or British pair of ears.

Thankfully, Mia didn’t pick up on it. ‘I am a model, by profession.’ She said with a smile.

Of course, I thought. Of course she’s a model.

She continued. ‘I applied for this job because the chance to work for such an esteemed photographer like yourself,’ she nodded to me. ‘It was just too good an opportunity to pass up.’

‘Ah Mia, you’ve already got the job.’ I laughed as I stared out of the window feeling a simmering of anticipation inside me. ‘No need to flatter me now.’

Mia laughed at that, and Esti smiled, I think.

 

We eventually pulled up along a quiet street in Murray Hill. A long row of red-bricked apartments with well kept fire escapes and shining windows. I definitely didn’t live in a poor area before, but this was an even wealthier neighbourhood.

‘Your belongings that were shipped are currently sitting in a container in Port Newark.’ Mia scowled after she had directed the doormen to take our suitcases to our apartment. ‘I’m incredibly sorry about that - I did try to get them to deliver the boxes yesterday but they said the soonest they could do was this evening.’

‘That’s fine.’ I said, lifting Daniel out of the car.

‘Because of that,’ Mia continued as if I hadn’t said anything. ‘I’ve had the essentials put into the apartment for you. Kitchen equipment, food, water, bathroom accessories and there are even some clothes for you all, in each of your sizes.’

I was about to ask how she had our sizes but thought better of it.

‘That’s wonderful, Mia, thank you so much.’

‘Oh, and before I forget.’ She pulled open her purse and pulled out three brand new iPhone boxes. ‘These are for you, they’re all paid for by the company, all ready to be turned on and go.’

‘Wow.’ I said, taking them in one arm. ‘My company is paying for things I don’t even know about.’

Mia offered a smile. ‘My number is saved into all of them, in case anyone needs anything. I live about twenty minutes away, so please do call for anything you might need.’

‘Great, that’s- great. Thank you again.’

‘It’s my pleasure, Ronnie. It was great to meet you Esti, and you Daniel. And you too Leah.’ Mia bowed her head and sauntered back to the car. She walked like a model, I could see it now. The sway of her hips and the stride of her legs.

‘She seems nice.’ Esti said, when we got to the elevator.

‘She’s… efficient. Bit weird how she spoke to Leah like an adult.’

‘How do you feel about having an assistant?’

‘I’d say it’s about bloody time.’ I replied, making Esti scoff. ‘We’re apartment S15B, aren’t we?’

‘That’s the one.’ She yawned and moved Leah to her other shoulder. ‘Do you need to work today? Can we sleep for a bit?’

I yawned as well and nodded. ‘We shouldn’t sleep too much though.’

My desire for sleep was vanquished with the first step inside our new apartment. It was luxurious and spacious. White walls, dark floors and long bright windows that looked out over the skyline. I showed Daniel the Empire State Building, which he told me he remembered. There was a balcony, an open plan kitchen and living room with the bedrooms all on the right side of the apartment. We explored the entire apartment together.

‘My room is _huge_ !’ Daniel shouted, suddenly full of life. ‘It’s _even_ bigger than _your_ room mum!’

‘Oh no it’s not!’ I said, hoisting him up and throwing him onto the sofa. ‘I made sure I got the biggest room in the whole building!’ I started tickling his ribs and suddenly recalled when he and Esti were in my old apartment, the first time they’d ever visited.

‘It’s a gorgeous flat.’ Esti said, strolling through the kitchen.

‘It’s all ours.’ I said, still wrestling with Daniel.

‘It is.’ She said, looking over at me. She had a spark in her eyes that I hadn’t seen in a while. An excited spark that seemed to grow brighter when she was outside of London. I’d seen it in Paris, I’d seen it in Bali and I could see it now. I sighed with relief before Daniel knocked me backwards and jumped on top of me.

We were finally here. We were finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I'm hoping to get more writing done over the Christmas period so hope you all look forward to that as well.
> 
> Thank you for your consistent support.
> 
> Happy holidays!
> 
> CN


	42. The Breakfast

**Esti**

‘The budget is completely fuc- it’s blown, Taj.’

Ronit was flustered again. We’d only been in New York for two days and both mornings she’d been awake early and immediately on the phone or her laptop. I don’t think she’d been sleeping very well. Her hair was big and her pale, marble cheeks were flushed as she sat on the sofa. One hand clamped to her iPhone and the other rubbing her forehead. She was wearing a dark vest, which showed how sculpted her bicep muscles were, it made me swallow something hard in my throat when I saw them flex. Leah was leaning happily on her lap, her head resting on Ronit’s knees. Daniel was watching cartoons and eating cereal, which is why I imagined she’d curbed her cursing. I gestured that I could take Leah, but Ronit shook her head and tickled Leah’s hand softly, which made our her giggle.

‘No, no, no.’ Ronit kept repeating the word, sounding fierce. ‘I explicitly remember saying that they were a bad idea. Fuck- For god’s sake, someone needs to start taking minutes in our meetings, because this is exactly what I-’

‘Mummy?’ Daniel said, waving to get my attention and interrupting Ronit.

‘Yes darling?’ I said, going over to him so as not to disturb her.

‘Mum swore.’ He said, pointing at Ronit.

‘Shh, adults are allowed to sometimes, sweetheart.’ I whispered, taking his milky bowl from him.

‘She swore.’ He said again, singing and elongating the words. ‘She swore.’

‘Daniel, go and get dressed please.’ I said. He tittered and ran to me, grabbing me around the waist and grinning up at me.

‘Why doesn’t Leah have to go to school?’ He asked, completely genuinely.

‘She’s too small right now, but she will eventually. Are you excited? Are you going to make lots of new friends?’

He nodded and pressed his head into my stomach. I held him tightly. He was so grown up, and soon we’d be on our way to his new school. It was terrifying. I hurried him along to go and get dressed again while I tidied up in the kitchen. To distract myself, I thought about the course of the day.

Over the past two days it had been the weekend, and Ronit had been home, though she had still been constantly working. Today would be my first day without her, alone in New York with Leah. I planned a quick sketch of our day in my head. I’d need to pick up some more food, so that meant a visit to the grocery store. I needed to buy frame hooks and some tools for some of the new furniture we’d ordered. I also needed to go and buy a printer and some other computer accessories that Ronit had asked me to pick up. She had also requested that I get taxis everywhere.

‘How will I learn my way around if I get taxis everywhere?’ I asked, when we’d been getting ready for bed the night before. It was late, and she’d only just got off the phone. ‘And what exercise will I get if I’m in the back of a taxi all the time?’ I reasoned. I didn’t mention that I was still self-conscious of the stubborn belly fat I’d developed after being pregnant with Leah.

‘The weekends are for walking, darling.’ She said, laying back on the bed only in her underwear. She pushed the duvet down with her feet and spread her knees slightly. ‘Where we can do all of the exploring together, as a family.'

‘I’m going to have to do things when you’re not here.’ I said, putting down the laundry I was folding and perching on the bed.

‘Of course you will, of course.’ She said, pushing her hair back and taking a deep breath. ‘I just don’t want you to get overwhelmed.’

I crawled over to her. I stroked her cheeks, her chin and the soft, tired skin under her eyes. I didn’t say anything, but I kissed her and tried to show her that I understood. That she was trying to protect me, to soothe my transition to this big, scary, new city, and that I appreciated it. She had kissed me back with a passion I hadn’t been expecting, not when she looked so tired.

Ronit’s voice called me out of my memory of the night before, tugged me away from the recollection of her lips caressing me all over.

‘-I’m coming in, yes- I’m going to come in this morning… After I’ve dropped my son to school, just make sure everyone’s ready for the 10am meeting. Great, bye.’

She threw the phone onto the sofa and exhaled loudly, in an exaggerated manner to make Leah laugh.

‘How are they?’ I asked.

‘You’d think it would be fine.’ Ronit sighed while standing up and holding Leah on her hip. ‘Five intelligent, young people; all top of their classes at college. Put them in a room together and it’s a catastrophe. They couldn’t organise an orgy in a brothel.’ She said, covering Leah’s ears for the last part.

‘Ronit.’ I said, trying to scold her but laughing simultaneously. ‘I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.’

‘No, no, it’s fine. It’s fun. I thrive when things go horribly wrong, you know that.’ She kissed me and squeezed my waist. ‘Where’s the boy?’

‘He’s getting dressed. I should go and check on him.’

‘I’ll go. I’ve got to get dressed myself.’ She said, smiling at me and making the soles of my feet tingle. She walked down the hallway, with its bare walls and empty sideboards, towards Daniel’s room.

That’s something I could do today. I could start unpacking all of the boxes that were cluttering the spare room. It was something Ronit had wanted to do together, but reasonably speaking, it was something I could do by myself and something she would be too exhausted for later on that night. Just as I started to envision where her portraits could be hung on the walls, our new, incredibly loud buzzer railed through the house.

I immediately went to the door, and tried to work the panel out. There were several buttons, a screen and a speaker. I pressed one of the buttons and the screen turned on, showing what was immediately outside the door downstairs; it was Mia standing with one of the doormen. She started talking to the camera, but I clearly hadn’t pressed the speaker button so her words were lost. She looked like she was carrying something.

I scowled as I pressed the ‘OPEN’ button to grant her access. We’d seen her every day we’d been here so far. I wondered if a day would pass when she wouldn’t show up.

‘Hi Mia.’ I said, overly sweetly as I let her in.

‘Esti, hello.’ She spoke so softly, as though she were afraid to break the air with her voice. She was carrying a tray of coffees. Dressed in a cream coloured trench coat, which looked expensive and fashionable, she immediately commanded my attention. ‘How are you?’ She asked, seemingly sincerely.

‘Fine, thank you.’

‘Wonderful. And you are all settling in well?’

‘Yep.’ I replied, closing the door and leading her through to the kitchen. ‘Well, we’ve been confined to the flat- apartment- over the weekend.’

‘Oh, what a shame. You haven’t got out at all yet?’ Mia rested the coffee on the counter. ‘You really should go to the High Line, it’s gorgeous this time of year. It was the first place I went to when I got to New York. I got you a double espresso.’ She smiled as she handed a small paper cup to me.

‘Th- thank you. You didn’t need to-’

‘It was an espresso wasn’t it? You said you drank that at the airport?’

‘Y-yes, I drink them sometimes.’

‘Perfect. If you ever change your mind, let me know before 6am.’

‘Thank you.’ I said, unable to hide my frown. She was almost robot-like in her subservience, which unsettled me. Though she was visually stunning, which made it difficult to look away from her.

‘Mia!’ Ronit said brightly behind me, making something nasty snag inside me. ‘Good morning.’

‘Good morning Ronnie.’ Mia’s eyes looked brighter. ‘Your caramel macchiato and... the croissants you asked for.’ She said, placing a tall paper cup on the counter and pulling a bag of pastries from her handbag.

‘Amazing Mia, you’re an angel, thank you, thank you.’ Ronit’s hair was tied back in a smart ponytail. She wasn’t in her vest anymore, but had replaced it with a tight white shirt and black blazer. Leah was still in her arm, looking at Mia with quiet interest. Mia's phone rang and I took the opportunity to enquire.

‘When did you ask for croissants?’ I asked under my breath.

‘This morning. I text Mia.’ Ronit replied casually, passing Leah to me while she pulled one from the bag and took a bite from it. ‘Do you want one?’

‘No, thank you.’

We stood there for several minutes after Mia's quick phonecall had ended. She and Ronit spoke about things I didn’t understand and drank their coffees while Leah wriggled in my arms, clearly wanting to return to Ronit. Daniel eventually ran into the kitchen, dressed in the clothes he’d picked out for himself the night before.

‘School time! School time!’ He continued to shout as he whipped around the kitchen, stopping dead when he noticed Mia was there.

‘Good morning Daniel.’ Mia greeted him. ‘All ready for your first day?’

He backed away from her shyly and hid behind me, providing me with a small glimmer of smugness.

‘Right,’ Ronit said, wiping flecks of pastry from her chest. ‘Are we ready for the trek to school?’

She looked at Daniel, then me and then Mia, who was nodding.

‘Is… are you coming?’ I asked, turning to the assistant.

‘I thought it might be good to take Mia there.’ Ronit said quickly. ‘Introduce her to Daniel’s teacher. Just in case she ever needs to get there for us, and to put her on one of those lists where the school will let Mia pick Daniel up.’

‘But- that’s-’ I didn’t want to cause upset, but I truly was confused. ‘That’s our job.’ My eyes were flitting from Ronit to Mia, I was aware that Daniel was looking up at us.

‘Well, I know darling.’ Ronit said, putting her cup down. ‘But if, for any reason, I’m working and you’re working, it would be good to have an option.’

‘We’re his parents. What would mean we couldn’t go and get our child if we needed to?’ I asked. I sounded difficult, I knew I did. I didn’t meant to be, but I couldn’t see Ronit’s logic.

‘Esti-’ She said, her eyes almost rolling.

‘It’s fine. It’s fine.’ Mia followed up hastily, holding a small hand up. ‘I don’t have to come.’

‘No, you should-’ Ronit said. ‘Esti, this is a good idea, I promise.’

‘Fine.’ I said after a moment, feeling my jaw tighten. ‘I’ll get my coat.’

We left the apartment together. I pushed Leah’s pram along the narrow pavement and Ronit held Daniel’s hand. Mia walked several paces in front of us, whether that was because of me or not, I wasn’t sure. When I was certain she was a safe distance away, I whispered to Ronit.

‘I wish you’d warned me about that.’

‘I thought you’d be happy about it.’ She said. ‘Daniel, don’t pull my arm off, darling.’

‘Why did you think that?’

‘Because, it… showed initiative. It’s smart, and it’s important we have options here. New York isn’t like London, Esti. We might need her one day.’

‘Still.’ I said. ‘I wish you’d told me.’

‘All right, well I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.’

‘And you’re texting her now? Every morning? To ask for drinks and breakfast?’

‘Well that’s her job.’ Ronit was getting shorter with me, I could hear it. She was already stressed about work, she didn’t need this, but still I kept asking.

‘Are you really comfortable with that?’

‘Am I comfortable having breakfast and coffee hand delivered to our apartment every morning? Aren’t you comfortable with that?’

I went quiet. We were looking at something from two completely opposite ends, it wasn’t the best time to discuss it. I was just relieved that Daniel was too busy revelling in the site of a huge fire truck to notice our bickering.

 

**Ronit**

Mia and I arrived at the office in a flurry of stress. Our taxi had been caught up in the loathsome gridlock that is Midtown rush hour.

‘What’s the time?’ I asked as we both rushed into the building that my company rented for an extortionate price each month.

Mia looked at her watch as she hurried along behind me. ‘It’s 10:17.’

‘Fuck.’ I hissed, stepping into the glass elevator.

We’d left Esti alone to walk back to the apartment with Leah. She’d been in a strange mood, a contrary one. I wondered why I’d seemed to make so many mistakes; she’d been fine the whole morning. It was when Mia turned up that her mood had soured, and for a second the cluelessness remained. It quickly disappeared, then I understood. I looked at Mia; I studied her face and smelled the exotic perfume on her neck. With striking sharpness and delicate features where they were needed, she was an obvious natural beauty. A natural beauty that I was now spending a lot of time with, on a daily basis. That must have been it. And inviting her to Daniel's school must have made it worse.

At that moment, Mia turned her head and caught me staring at her; she smiled, cleared her throat and stood up straighter. I quickly looked away and watched the red digits of each floor change as we were propelled upwards in the stuffy elevator.

After a few seconds, the doors finally opened, allowing the new, strange awkwardness to seep out into the reception area. Audrey was waiting there, dressed in tight blue jeans, plain heels and an open-necked white shirt, much like the one I was wearing.

‘ _Ma chérie_!’ She hollered, making a young intern walking past drop his stack of papers. ‘You are late, I love it.’

‘Audrey, hello gorgeous. God, it was the traffic, it was awful.’ I said, kissing her cheeks.

‘No, no, no. It is you, Ronit. Very you, very rebellious.’ Audrey said, touching my arm and looking behind me. ‘Mia, darling that coat is divine. New Burberry?’

Mia nodded and allowed Audrey to kiss her cheeks. ‘Hello Miss Bordeaux.’ She said politely. ‘I’m afraid Ronnie really needs to get to this meeting.’

‘Of course, of course. Lead the way.’ Audrey stood aside and let Mia take the first strides towards the board room. After a second, she leant towards me. ‘She’s good, _non_?’

‘She’s great.’ I replied.

‘She’s tipped to be the new me, have you heard?’

‘I haven’t seen any of her work.’ I muttered, feeling my phone vibrating in my pocket. I had to turn that off before we got into the meeting.

‘You should. You’ll want to shoot her immediately. You think I know angles? Wait until you put her in front of a camera.’ Audrey said, almost growling.

‘Why did they choose a model to be my assistant?’

‘I hired her.’ Audrey said. ‘She’s your type, is she not?’

‘Audrey.’ I berated her gently as we rounded a corner.

‘Oh, I don’t mean like that, obviously. I mean she knows the business, and she’s efficient, intelligent and resourceful.’

‘Right, I’m sure.’ I said, sarcasm dripping from my tongue. ‘You couldn’t have hired an efficient, intelligent and resourceful assistant that looked like the backend of a baboon? It would have really helped out my marriage.’

‘Psh.’ Audrey waved the notion away with a limp wrist. ‘Your marriage doesn’t need help. It’s as strong as Hercules.’

‘Mm.’ I said, thinking about Esti’s face that morning. ‘Do you have one?’

‘One? Oh, an assistant? Several, darling.’

‘And Ed doesn’t mind?’

‘Mind?’ Audrey almost threw her entire head back. ‘They work for him as well, my dear.’

‘Right.’ I said, slowing to a stop. Mia was knocking on a heavy door and stepping inside, speaking to the people already in the room. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, ready to turn it to silent when I noticed I had a text from Esti.

 _Will you be home for dinner tonight?_ She’d written.

 _I’m planning on it._ I replied hastily and went to tuck it back into my bag. I received a text back immediately.

_Will Mia be joining us?_

I gave a short laugh through my nostrils and put my phone away without responding.


	43. The Late Dinner

I left the office at 9pm that evening in a rush, cursing under my breath and trying not to imagine what Esti’s face would look like when I got home. 

It had been an unpredictable day. After the meeting in the morning I had spent the majority of the day in logistics meetings and on long calls with our sponsors. I probably would have lost my mind if Audrey hadn’t been there. 

‘ _ Ma chérie _ you look stressed.’ She said at one point during the afternoon, lounging back on one of the luxury chairs in my office. ‘It makes you look older, don’t wrinkle your forehead.’

It made me laugh, my face relaxed and I realised just how tight it had been. I rubbed my jaw She had her assistant bring us ice tea, which I think irritated Mia, and the both of us smoked as we finalised designs together.

I was ready to leave at 6pm, that was the important thing. I was ready to get home to my family and ask Daniel about his first day and tickle Leah and kiss and hold Esti. I was ready to leave on time. 

I’d just put the last of my things when Mia threw herself into my office. 

‘Jesus, what’s wrong?’

‘Conde Nast. The reps. Just arrived.’

‘Now? They’re here now?’ I looked my watch. ‘Fuck.’

I saw my idyllic evening crumbling before me. 

‘Right. Well, let them in.’ 

I knew it was late, but even Esti would admit that snubbing the partners would be an awful idea. I text her and didn’t receive a response.

The reps stayed for fucking hours. Their visit was mostly pointless. All of the important business was dealt with in the first fifteen minutes. The next few hours was a back-patting round of talking about how wonderful we all were and how much of a success the event would be. 

Finally, they left. Mia and I accompanied them to the street and she called me a taxi as soon as their car turned the corner.

‘Do you need anything else?’ Mia asked as I flung my bag into the backseat. 

‘No, thank you.’ I said, ducking into the cab.

‘Let me know if you do!’ She said, but I’d already closed the door and given my address. 

 

The apartment was loud when I opened the door. Leah was balling and Daniel was shouting, whether in frustration or just because, it was hard to tell immediately. 

‘Hello?’ I called out as I pulled my coat off. I walked through to the living room. 

Esti was holding Leah to her, who was wailing, seemingly for no particular reason. Daniel was shouting defensively, his neck elongated and his face a picture of smugness. God, he looked like me when he acted like that. I suddenly had an odd surge of sympathy for my father. 

‘Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on?’ I said, startling Esti.

‘He woke Leah up with a ball to the face.’ Esti said, stroking Leah’s fine dark hair. She was talking to me, that was good. 

‘It wasn’t  _ my _ fault.’ Daniel said, holding his foam football under his arm. 

‘Well, whose fault was it then?’ I said, taking a step towards him. I didn’t sound like an upset parent about to punish her child, my voice was too high. I sounded like a mother who’d missed her son all day, and was just happy to see him. 

‘It was her fault!’ He demanded playfully, pointing at Leah. ‘She got in the way of my ball.’ 

‘Daniel, I told you several times not to throw the ball near her.’ Esti sounded sharp and upset. ‘And what did you do?’

He looked down at his feet for a split second. His voice got low and he played with the ball in his hands. ‘I threw it.’

‘Where?’ Esti asked him over the sound of Leah’s whining. 

‘Near Leah.’ He said, his voice mopey. He realised we weren’t playing a game. 

‘Has he had dinner?’ I asked.

Esti nodded. 

‘Okay.’ I kissed the top of her head. ‘Come on boy.’ I gestured to Daniel. ‘Early bed time.’ 

‘I don’t want-’

‘Daniel.’ I said, trying to force myself to sound scolding. ‘Apologise to your sister and come with me.’ 

He threw his ball to the ground, said the most insincere ‘sorry’ and stropped to his bedroom. 

I let him go ahead of me and lingered for a few seconds. 

‘Are you all right?’ I asked Esti, touching her shoulder. 

‘Mm.’ She said. 

‘I’m sorry I’m late, the Conde Nast people were-’

‘It’s fine.’ She said, it didn’t sound like she was lying. She looked up at me and smiled weakly. ‘I’m just glad you’re home.’ 

Leah had finally gone quiet, small sounds of sleep came from her nose and mouth. I offered to take her to bed as well because I wanted to hug her and feel her in my arms. Esti gave her up to me without a qualm. I held Leah close to me, the side of her head rested against my chest and I could smell her head. Baby powder, lotion, Esti, Daniel: she smelled like all of it, everything I loved and everything that made me happy. I never wanted these years to fly by, I wanted to cherish every moment.

I kissed her and squeezed her hands and she let out small, content noises before I left her be. Then I went to Daniel’s room. We’d only been there three days and it was already an almighty mess, though I couldn’t punish him for that because I was sure he inherited that from me.

‘What’s wrong mister?’ I said, opening my arms for a hug, which he slumped into with reluctance. 

‘I was just trying to show mum- mum what I learned today with my football because she said- she said to tell her about my day so I did and she didn’t even look when I-’

‘Woah, woah.’ I stroked his hair and looked at him; our identical eyes meeting one another. ‘Take a breath darling.’ 

‘I missed you.’ He said, apparently and very quickly forgetting all about it. 

‘I missed you too.’ 

‘Will you always be at work?’ He asked me and twirled a bit of my hair.

I paused. ‘No, not all the time. I’m here now aren’t I?’ 

‘But- but I’m going to bed now.’ He said. It was reasonable, and guilt plunged into me like a knife.

‘Would you like a story?’ I asked him, lifting him up and trying to hide the strain I felt in my lower back as I did so. 

‘Yeah! Yeah! A long one!’ He said, giggling into my neck. 

 

We read a long story together about a young boy who wanted to visit the moon and live there. Daniel asked so many questions about it that I had to start fabricating my knowledge on space travel. He was asleep by the end of it, snoozing gently and falling into a deeper slumber. I tucked him in and kissed his head and returned to the living room. 

‘Was he okay?’ Esti was in the kitchen, putting things into the dishwasher.

‘He was fine.’ I replied, making my way directly to her, my feet painfully aware that I hadn’t sat down in a few hours. ‘I think you’re going to have to read up on space travel.’ I said. ‘He wants to be an astronaut.’

‘That’ll be interesting.’ Esti said. ‘He thinks the moon is made of cheese.’

‘There’s no proof it isn’t.’ I said, hoping she’d laugh. She did give a small sniff before standing up straight and running her hands through her hair. She’d had it cut just before we left London, it was short again. I liked it short.

‘I made you dinner. It’s in the fridge.’ She sighed.

‘Thank you.’ I said, not wanting to tell her that I’d had Mia go out and get us all dinner from the steakhouse on the same road as our office. ‘Come here.’

I held out my arms and she slumped into them. I inhaled the smell of her and she pressed her face into my neck. 

‘Is… everything all right?’ I asked, stroking her hair, delicately bunching the ends in my palm. I wanted to approach her mood carefully, with sensitivity. Talking was good, communication was key and I knew we needed to get our feelings out into the open or we’d face difficulties like we had in the past.

She nodded once, and then looked up at me. Her eyes told me more than words would.

‘I- I suppose I’m just sad.’ She said in a small voice, telling me what I already knew. ‘You’ve been working non-stop since we got here.’

I sighed but kept hold of her. 

‘We haven’t even been out and explored anything yet, not together.’

I was nodding and stroking her back. ‘I know darling.’

‘I just don’t know what to do-’

‘It’s been full on, with work-’ I said.

‘I know, I know that.’ Esti said, pulling back but keeping her hands on my chest. ‘I don’t want to nag you, I know you’re incredibly busy.’

‘I should have put some time aside.’ I conceded. Though we both acknowledged that I was busy, she was right. I’d moved her to a brand new city three days ago and I’d barely seen her. ‘This weekend, this weekend, I promise it’ll be special. I’ll… I’ll plan something amazing.’

Esti laughed and stroked my cheek, her lips parted. ‘Not if you’re busy. I don’t want to be the reason you’re behind.’

I shook my head. ‘I won’t be, I promise. We’ll have the best weekend, I’ll make sure of it.’ She looked at me then with a sudden eagerness. It reminded me of the times when we were young; when I’d suggest escaping Hendon, or going on an adventure and her eyes would alight with fire and passion and the desire to go against submission

She kissed me softly, with a sweet, sad tenderness; she touched my stomach lightly but the kiss deepened quickly and her hand was on the back of my head within seconds. ‘I really have missed you today.’ She said, in between touching my lips with her own.

‘I missed you too.’ I said back, lifting her off the ground and pressing her against the counter. I thought about earlier that day, when a thought of her had dashed into my mind. The first kiss we’d shared in New York, it had made a heat soar through me and now Esti was poking the flames.

She gasped slightly when my hips pushed into hers, her head dropped and she held my neck with both hands.

‘Don’t you want to eat?’ She asked, her eyes flitting from my eyes to my mouth.

‘No, I’m not hungry.’ I said, pulling her waist closer, lifting her blouse up slightly and kissing her neck. 

‘We should- we should- oh, Ronit.’ 

I think she was going to suggest we finished tidying the kitchen, turn off the lights and go to the bedroom, but neither of us could wait. In London, I mostly worked from home and I was never as busy when we were there. New York had already been such a whirlwind and our bodies had been apart, now they were pining for each other.

I didn’t wait. I slipped my hand into her jeans and she threw her head back, exposing her porcelain neck. I latched onto it as my fingers pushed against her clit. She stifled a moan and her hands gripped my hair when my fingers eased into her underwear.

‘Fuck.’ She whispered into my ear. I felt hot all over, a shiver of sweat tickled my spine when I felt how wet she was, how ready she was for me. 

She lifted a leg up around me and I carried her to the sofa with a softness, I carefully laid her down on it. Her hips thrust upwards so I could take off her trousers, which I did quickly, throwing them behind me. I went back to her face immediately, kissing and biting her neck and jaw while she writhed beneath me. I could feel her desperation; when she’d said she’d missed me I could feel it in how she touched me, how she looked at me and how her mouth moved with mine. Her tongue was rampant and fast, the strength of it gave me chills. When my fingers were inside her, her body shuddered and she breathed into my ear with urgency. 

‘Fuck me, Ronit.’ She panted. My elbow almost buckled, but I did just that. I went harder than normal; curling and thrusting with a speed I reserved for moments like this. When I wanted to show her how much she meant to me. A moan escaped her open mouth, then several more hurried past her pink lips as I felt her tighten around me. Her hands slapped my back and tugged at my shirt as her legs splayed open.

‘Yes, yes, fuck-’ She whimpered as I felt her hands all over me, I moaned in unison with her as I felt that slickness covering my fingers. ‘Fuck- I’m com- I’m coming. Yes, Roni-’

I felt her nails dig into my back as she went quiet, her hips rolled several times and I heard a gasping need to cry out gripping her throat. She trembled as she held onto me, my face lingering over hers. I watched her face fall from ecstasy to comfort and contentedness, she bit her bottom lip and smiled at me.

We both panted as we kissed, her hand lowered and she started touching me. I indulged in it, in everything she gave me.

‘This weekend will be the best weekend of your life.’ I said, bringing my hands to my mouth so I could kiss her fingers. She’d loosened up and laughed.

‘Are you making big promises again Mrs Krushka.’

‘Ah,’ I held a finger up. ‘It’s Mrs Krushka-Halper to you. And yes, it’s a big promise, but I’m going to keep it.’

‘What are we going to do?’

‘I can’t tell you, that’ll ruin the surprise.’

‘You don’t know what we’re doing yet, do you?’ She teased as our fingers locked together.

‘No.’ I admitted. ‘It’ll still be the best weekend of your life.’

‘I can’t wait.’ She said, then her tongue slipped into my mouth. And soon after that, it was inside me again.


	44. The Weekend

**Esti**

The week rushed by as Ronit worked constantly and I was rushed off my feet. Between her event planning, Daniel’s school hours and after school programmes and Leah’s current stage of grumpiness and teething, it was a miracle that Ronit and I managed to say two words to each other at the end of each day. It seemed unsustainable, how it was currently, but I didn’t say that to her. I just hoped that after the event, it would all go back to normal; whatever normal was in New York.

Everything was bigger here, everything was louder. There was a general smell in the air, much harsher than the one in London, that I had to get used to. Ronit told me one night that week, as we were laying in bed, our eyelids dragging down, that different parts of the city smelled different.

‘Central Park in the summer, smells like hot rain. Although sometimes it stinks of piss.’ Her fingers were linked with mine, her phone was lighting up on the bedside table but she was ignoring it. ‘Astoria smells like shisha smoke, Chinatown smells herby and vinegary, like you can taste the air. 42nd Street smells like salty bacon, don’t ask me why, it just does. It used to be awful, when I first moved here and I couldn’t bring myself to eat it, but it smelled so good.’

‘What were you like when you moved here?’ I asked her. I never usually asked her about her beginnings in New York, but now we were, some small part of me was aching to know. She looked at me, amused.

‘I was a horror. An out-of-control deviant.’

‘So nothing changed then?’

She laughed and rested her head against my stomach, I stroked her hair and forehead as she continued telling me about New York and all of the different smells. I eventually fell asleep, but woke up with a jolt when Leah started wailing.

‘It’s okay, I’ll go.’ Ronit said, sounding incredibly awake. I looked over to her side of the bed, and she’d been on her laptop; I don’t think she had slept at all. It was frustrating because she was ratty when she was tired, and I meant to ask her to go to sleep when she returned, but I fell away, back into a dream. 

Every time I asked her about the weekend she had planned, but she was being very secretive about it. That made me excited. It reminded me of when we were girls and she’d surprise me by making plans for us to go somewhere else; somewhere out of my comfort zone. The anticipation I felt was the same as when she told me about Paris.

‘Are you sure you can get away for the weekend?’ I asked her on the Friday night, when I started to doubt my own happiness.

‘Yep. One hundred percent.’ She said with a grin, holding Leah to her chest. She’d just got in from work, earlier than expected, and Daniel and Leah were already stuck to her like she was honey. I lit some candles while Daniel told her all about his week, the sports he enjoyed and all of his new friends.

‘They told- they told me I talk funny.’ He said, picking at the buttons of Ronit’s blouse.

‘And what did you say back?’

‘I told them- I told them that they were the ones that talked funny because I talked normal. I talk better than them.’

‘That’s my boy.’ Ronit said, proudly. ‘And how has your sister been?’ Ronit asked, holding Leah up above her and making Leah shriek with joy.

‘She’s stinky.’ Daniel said. ‘And she’s always eating.’

‘Well, that’s exactly what you are like.’ I heard Ronit say. ‘Stinky and hungry.’

‘No!’ Daniel exclaimed. ‘I was a baby once, but I’m not anymore.’ He spoke matter-of-factly, which made both Ronit and I laugh.

We ate our dinner together at the table. Ronit had mentioned that she’d missed the chicken soup we used to eat as girls, so I’d made a special effort to research the Kosher supermarkets near us; there were dozens to choose from. For some reason, that made me feel more at home, though I hadn’t been part of the community for years. I went there with Leah during the day and bought all of the same ingredients I had used back in Hendon; the chicken, the carrots, onions, celery and parsnips, and all of the fresh herbs. I even found the same brand of matzo meal that I always used. I felt happy and I felt at home. 

‘God, it smells incredible.’ Ronit said, as I set the bowls down. She bent forward and inhaled it. ‘It smells exactly the same.’

She ate three bowls of it before we put Daniel and Leah to bed. Leah was fussing and wriggling, she’d started to speak now and grumbled the words ‘mum’ and ‘mama’ now, which I could somewhat disregard, but they had an extreme power over Ronit. Every time Leah muttered the words, Ronit went straight to her. Daniel went to sleep almost immediately.

‘It’s that Jewish penicillin.’ She said, hugging me from behind as we watched him. 

She led me to our bedroom after that. I smelled like cooking and she smelled like perfume and our naked bodies were hugged together. We didn’t even have sex, we kissed and felt each other. 

‘What time do we have to be up tomorrow?’ I asked as she kissed my forehead.

‘Not too early, but we’ll want to be on the road before 11. Are you all packed?’

‘Yep.’ I said, though I’m not sure I’ve packed appropriate things.’

‘I’m sure you have.’ I heard her smiling.

I didn’t ask anymore, I fell asleep with my head on her chest.

 

**Ronit**

‘What do you mean you can’t find it?’ 

I was angry. I’d been on the phone to Taj for twenty minutes, and that was twenty minutes I could have spent showering, packing up the car and actually driving away from Manhattan. 

‘I’ve looked everywhere, you said you saved it on the drive and I-’

‘Are you calling me a liar?’ I felt a fury raging, and it probably wasn’t even Taj’s fault. A system error, a mistyped file. ‘I uploaded all of the letters, floorplans, advertisement drafts on the drive last night before I left.’

‘Well, I just can’t see them.’ Taj sounded calm. ‘Ronit, you might have to come into the office, just to make sure-’

‘No, I’m not. I can’t, I have to- I’m leaving town today for the weekend.’

‘I remember you saying.’ 

‘Just- how important is it this happens over the weekend. Can’t you take the weekend off?’

‘They want them first thing Monday.’

They. Conde Nast. Of course.

‘I’ll- okay. I’ll be in in fifteen.’

‘I will see you then.’ Taj hung up the phone and I slammed my thumb into the red circle on my screen. 

‘Is it bad?’ A small voice had crept up on me. Esti was already in her coat.

‘No, no. I have to- I have to pop into the office for five minutes, but that’s it. It shouldn’t affect our check-in.’

She nodded and didn’t say anything, though I wished she had.

‘I won’t be long, I promise. Why don’t you all come with me?’

‘Oh, I don’t know Ronit.’ She said. ‘That might be quite a hassle, for you.’

‘Nonsense!’ I said. ‘We can bring them both up to the office while I fuck about with this mess.’

‘We’ll just wait in the car, Ronit. It’s fine, honestly.’ 

It sounded genuine, slightly strained but genuine. I nodded and pressed my lips together. This weekend was already getting off to a bumpy start. 

 

When I arrived, I left Esti, Daniel and Leah in the car. 

‘I won’t be long.’ I mumbled as we pulled up along the curb. 

‘Where you going?’ Daniel asked from the back seat.

‘I’m going into my office, darling.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I need to do a bit of work before we go on holiday.’

‘But you said that you weren’t- you said- you promised that you weren’t going to work this weekend.’

‘Did I?’ I turned and tickled his knee, which made him jerk wildly. ‘That doesn’t sound like something I’d promise.’

‘You did.’ Daniel said smugly. I reached back to try and get him and made him giggle and Leah shriek.

‘I promise I won’t be long.’ I said a final time, this time looking at Esti. 

‘Don’t worry.’ She said, smiling and squeezing my hand. ‘We’ll be here when you get out.’ 

I kissed her, quickly but with enough pressure to show how grateful I was. 

I got out of the car and stormed through reception and into the elevator, mashing the button for my floor. When I got into my office, I opened my laptop with force and tapped furiously until I found the files that Taj said were lost.

I dragged them all into the online folder and waited for the painfully slow blue timer to reach 100%. We were supposed to be a quarter of the way there already. Long Beach would already be getting busy.

I popped my head into the room where Taj was sitting. 

‘Check them.’ I said with intentional briskness.

‘What?’

‘The files. Check them.’

‘Now?’

‘No, in two weeks time. Yes, now.’

Taj chuckled and leaned forward. ‘There they are.’ He said, his deep voice rumbling through the walls. 

‘Great. So, in that case I will see you Monday.’ I pulled my bag up around my shoulder. ‘I’ll be in late.’

‘See you then, boss.’

I left the office, in the elevator on the way down I turned off my phone. I was out of contact, no one was to reach me this weekend, there would be no more interruptions.

 

We reached the hotel in incredible time, oddly the expressways were shockingly empty. We had to stop several times along the way because Leah needed changing and Daniel needed the toilet and whined and whined about it, but when Esti took him in she said he didn’t even go.

‘He did want to play on one of the arcade games in there though.’ She said, nodding towards the service station. I looked down at him, and he looked at me. We both started laughing. 

I revealed the surprise when we were halfway there.

‘I recognise that.’ Esti replied, her forehead knitting together in that sweet way that happened when she thought.

‘You’ve been there before.’ I said, merging onto the Parkway. ‘So have you Daniel.’

‘Has Leah been?’ Daniel asked.

‘No, she hasn’t.’ Esti replied excitedly. ‘This will be her first time.’

‘Ha ha.’ Daniel said while pointing at Leah, who tried to grab his hand. ‘You haven’t been there and _ I  _ have.’ 

‘Daniel, don’t tease your sister.’ Esti said, though I could tell she was amused by it.

I was thinking about the time we’d visited before, when Esti and Daniel’s time with me had been so limited; I thought about how so much had happened since then. 

Our suite was huge, our bedroom monumental and the en-suite was almost as big as our bathroom at home. We explored each of the rooms together while I held onto Leah, she garbled happily as she sensed the rest of her family’s excitement. 

‘What shall we do first then?’ I said, after we’d finally finished checking out the balcony that looked over the white-tipped ocean. 

‘Beach!’ Daniel shouted.

‘Beach, I think.’

‘Beach, it is.’ I said. ‘Leah, can you say beach? Beach?’

‘Bee-ts.’ Leah tried to say it but struggled. It was adorable. 

‘Unanimous!’ I said, but Daniel had already gone to pull on his swimming trunks.

We made our way to the beach after we’d all dressed and gathered our beach things, which I’d packed secretly. Daniel kept telling us that he remembered the place and that he knew exactly where we were going. I took it as a child’s make believe, but then he mentioned jumping in rock pools and finding crabs, which we had done before when he was only a child. I had him on my back while Esti carried Leah. 

We watched Daniel play for hours after we’d scored a decent patch of warm sand at the far end. The beach was thronging with people, so we were lucky to find the three loungers. 

‘Don’t wander off.’ Esti ordered, smearing sun cream on Daniel’s chest and back. ‘Stay right in front of us and don’t go in too deep.’

‘Yes, yes, I know.’ He said, exasperated, and off he ran. He made friends with a young group of other boys and girls around his age and was screeching and splashing and it filled my entire heart to watch him. 

‘I love you.’ I said to Esti, as we were laying on the sun loungers, an open book resting on my chest and Leah on Esti’s. She’d just fed her, and I could see Leah’s eyes starting to close under her sunhat.

‘I love you too.’ She said, reaching for my hand. ‘This is beautiful, thank you.’

‘No, no.’ I said. ‘We all deserved it. Some time away, together. It’s hard in the city sometimes.’

Esti nodded with a deep understanding. ‘It’s just different.’ She said quietly, I could barely hear her over the children screaming. ‘We’ll get used to it.’

‘We will.’ I stroked her fingers. ‘We’ve overcome a lot more.’

‘You can say that again.’ Esti said. At that moment, Daniel ran up to us, sopping wet and dripping everywhere. 

‘Has all your sun cream come off?’ Esti asked, sitting up and reaching for the bottle. 

‘No! It hasn’t, I promise, look.’ Daniel displayed his arm, which to his credit looked like it had streaks of sun cream still on.

Esti sat back and hummed suspiciously. 

‘Can Leah come down there with me?’ He asked, pointing behind him to the group.

‘No,’ I said playfully. ‘She’s too good at swimming, she’d embarrass you in front of your friends.’

Daniel looked at me for a moment, incredibly confused. ‘She can’t swim.’ He said finally. 

‘She can. She’s the best swimmer I know.’

‘Stop  _ lying _ .’

‘Okay, fine. She can’t come with you darling, she’s far too small.’

‘Fine.’ Daniel said as he sulked away to break the bad news to the flock of children watching us. 

‘He’s so like you, it’s unreal.’ Esti commented, slightly shaking her head.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked, feeling myself grin. I loved it when she compared Daniel to me.

‘He’s just… exactly how you were when you were young. Stubborn, strong headed, passionate, curious, adventurous.’ She looked at me and cradled Leah. ‘He’s just… your child.’

I felt myself get choked up, though Esti wasn’t saying these things to make me emotional. I started to nod, and then I opened my mouth to say the words I’d wanted to say for some time.

‘I want another one.’ 

‘Another bottle of water?’ Esti asked innocently, as she reached into the picnic basket to grab some water for me. 

‘No.’ I laughed. ‘Another one. Another child.’

‘You want another one?’ 

I nodded. ‘More than anything.’

‘Ronit, I- I had no idea.’

‘We can wait, until Leah is a bit older, obviously.’ I stopped nodding and turned to face her, to engage with her. ‘But I want a big family, maybe adoption, I don’t know. It’s- it’s just something I’ve been thinking about for a while.’

Esti didn’t speak immediately, but she pressed Leah a little more to her chest. ‘That makes sense.’

‘You think?’

‘Of course it does, of course it does.’ She smiled at me, showing her teeth. ‘And I- I want to have a big family with you too. I just didn’t know it was what you wanted.’

We stared into each other’s eyes for a little while, falling a little bit more in love with each other. I kissed her and took the suddenly squirming Leah from her so she could have a break. We sat back and watched Daniel play some more, both with smiles on our faces. Esti waved to Daniel and let her arm drop beside me. She stroked my hand.

‘I love this beach.’ She said with a content and satisfied sigh. 


	45. The Event

**Ronit**

The day of the PhotoPlus event was finally upon us. Weeks of planning had led up to it, urgent last minute changes and guest lists needing rewriting and printing up all past the overdue date. Then the practical side of the set up; the location, the stands, the stage, the seats, the catering, the bottled waters, the security. It was overwhelming, we weren’t prepared and we were never going to be prepared. Audrey and I had several quarrels over it in the office, but it was only because tensions were so high and we were both feeling the burn of pressure. We’d had to fire Taj halfway through because he’d been slacking in every area we placed him in, which didn’t help.

Esti had been overly patient and generous and having her there at the end of each day, no matter how late I got in, made me realise just how much I needed her and how grateful I was for her. I wondered how I ever did those trips before, when I’d come back to an empty apartment and think I was happy about it. Now I came home to mess, chaos, screams and crying and odd smells for whatever reason, but I cherished it. I loved opening the door to Daniel jumping up at me, to Leah speaking the few words she knew and to Esti’s smile, her embrace and her cooking. It was bliss, and it was for that reason I was able to cope with the planning, the late nights, the stress and the incompetence of everyone around me.

‘You did it.’ Esti said to me, the night before PhotoPlus. I took a deep breath, she was stroking my forehead as I laid on her lap in the living room. Daniel was playing video games in his bedroom and Leah was laying on my chest, squirming and laughing and pulling the ends of my hair gently.

‘It was hard.’ I said.

‘But you did it.’ She said again, stroking a loose bit of hair out of my face. ‘I knew you would pull it off.’

I squeezed Leah close to me, which made her giggle. ‘It’s such a relief.’

‘I bet.’ Esti said, with another gentle caress. ‘What will happen now?’

‘Now?’

‘After the event, tomorrow. Will you go back to normal?’

I scoffed. ‘What’s normal?’ I glanced up, and she was looking down at me, seemingly puzzled. ‘I hope so.’ I followed up quickly. ‘I hope they’ll be more routine, more time off. I want to change my hours so I can drop him to school in the mornings.’

‘He’d love that.’

‘What about you?’ I asked.

‘What about me?’

‘This has been your life for the past few months.’ I said. ‘What will you do now I’ll be here more, not whining as much.’

‘I don’t know.’ She said, smiling. ‘I’ll probably start listening to you again.’

We both laughed as her hand moved from my head to Leah’s back, where she stroked along her soft, cotton onesie.

‘I’m looking forward to routine.’ She said, and I nodded. Routine had been her entire life, I couldn’t imagine how she might be feeling in this brand new city, each day that came was unlike the last.

I tried to keep some level of order for her, I even suggested we could go to Shul on Saturdays but she laughed it off. Daniel wasn’t interested in religion at all, he had no desire to learn the Torah or do anything relating to it, and Esti told me if that’s what he wants, then that’s how it will be. She didn’t pressure him at all, but she would always answer his questions in dual process whenever he asked.

‘What happens when we die?’ He’d asked one evening, after telling us that his class hamster had passed away.

Esti answered almost immediately. ‘A lot of people believe that you go to a better place, darling.’ She had stopped what she was doing and sat down with him, treating this as a particularly sensitive moment; it was fascinating to watch. ‘Your father, he believes that your soul, that lives inside you, stays alive and waits to go to a better place.’

‘And your soul still lives here? On Earth?’

Esti nodded and stroked his curly hair. ‘Yes darling.’

‘Does it go to the shops and stuff? What does a soul eat?’

‘Souls don’t need food, sweetheart.’ She said.

‘What about soul food?’ I asked with a grin, earning a frown from Esti.

‘Is a soul like a ghost?’ Daniel asked.

‘Well, I suppose it’s like that, but not scary.’

‘I’m not scared of ghosts.’ Daniel said, haughtily. ‘Does it live inside my skeleton?’

‘Skel-ton.’ Leah murmured, rubbing her hands in her mashed potatoes. ‘Skel-ton.’

‘This was a can of worms.’ I said, laughing and Esti nodded. Daniel continued asking about souls for the next week.

 

**Esti**

PhotoPlus fell on a Saturday, and Ronit suggested that we all come for the latter part of it, which would be emptier and more family orientated. She had to leave early in the morning, well before sunrise, to make sure that everything had arrived and to organise anything that might have not turned up.

‘Something is always forgotten.’ She said, tying her long hair back into a loose ponytail. She was wearing a black dress, black boots and silver rings on several of her fingers. Her mother’s golden pendant was around her neck. ‘Always, always.’

‘If I can do anything, let me know.’

She turned and smiled then. ‘I will. I’d love it if you and the kids came later on, around 1pm all of the pretentious dickheads will leave, but the family portrait people stick around. You’d like them, they’re hilarious. They might do some free shots of Daniel and Leah.’

‘That would be great.’ I said.

She kissed me and held my face before she left, letting her fingers stroke behind my ears, which always made me melt.

‘Oh,’ she said, suddenly remembering. I wondered if she might. ‘Was there anything? This morning?’ She gestured towards the en-suite, where the used pregnancy test was sitting in the bin.

I shook my head. ‘It was negative.’

‘Ah.’ Her forehead wrinkled and she bit her bottom lip.

‘It’s still early.’ I said, although it was teetering towards the opposite and I was starting to worry that it hadn’t worked either. Ronit had friends in the IVF clinic, I wondered if they’d be able to get us in again earlier like last time.

‘You’ll be amazing.’ I said, trying to change the subject to more present matters.

She kissed my lips and my cheek. ‘I’ll miss you.’

‘I’ll miss you too, but we’ll see you soon.’

‘Make sure you go back to sleep now. I don’t want a grumpy, tired wife showing up later.’

I jabbed her in the ribs and she laughed. She left and I fell back onto the bed and asleep almost instantly.

 

I made bacon sandwiches for Daniel later that morning, which made me feel a pang of guilt each time I did. Eating pork was still forbidden in my head, it seemed strange and wrong to cook it, but Daniel loved it so I did it anyway. I helped Leah eat her fruit and porridge and only had a tea for myself.

‘Where’s mum?’ Daniel asked, his mouth filled with meat and bread; I felt a rush of nausea.

‘Don’t speak with your mouth open, Daniel.’

‘Mouf.’ Leah said, giggling and pointing.

‘Sorry.’ Daniel said, his mouth still full. He swallowed a huge mouthful. ‘Where’s mum?’

‘She’s at work, sweetheart. But we’re going to see her later.’

‘Will Audrey be there?’

‘Aud-wey.’ Leah said, excitably. Audrey’s name was one of her favourite things to say at the moment. ‘Aud-wey. Aud-wey.’

‘She will! Do you want to see her?’

Daniel’s cheeks blushed and he shook his head. ‘No.’

It was astounding how much I saw Ronit in his young face. It was disconcerting, because sometimes he would say things or use certain tones and I was transported back in time, to Hendon when I was a girl talking to Ronit. His brashness, his boldness, his confidence; he was Ronit’s child in so many ways. I thought then that the similarities would only grow more concentrated the more time went on. A sudden pang of worry hit me, but it soon turned into a warm, loving feeling. We would have a teenage Ronit under our roof. I started laughing.

‘What you laughing at?’ Daniel asked.

‘Nothing darling. I just love you, that’s all.’

Daniel giggled and crinkled up his nose. ‘Gross.’ He said.

 

The rest of the morning went by quickly, because I took Daniel and Leah out into the muggy heat for a long walk so they’d be somewhat subdued by the time we got to the conference centre. We walked along the Highline and towards the Hudson because Daniel loved hearing the story of the plane that landed on it. I’d told him so many times, and he never grew tired of it.

We stopped for doughnuts and hot chocolate on our way to the centre and I found that I was getting butterflies in my stomach. They grew big and noxious the closer we got, I was following the little blue dot on my phone maps, that was telling us we were four minutes walk away.

‘How much longer is it?’ Daniel sighed, leaning on the pram. ‘I’m tired.’

‘It’s just around the corner darling.’ I felt sweaty; going for a walk in this claggy heat had been a mistake. I wondered if my make up had all dripped off. ‘Daniel, does mummy look pretty?’

‘You’re always pretty, mummy.’ He said, not looking at me. ‘Always pretty.’

‘Pret-teh.’ Leah said.

That was enough. If my children thought I didn’t look like an ogre, that was enough. I didn’t need to impress the people at this event. Though Ronit looked so glamorous, and Audrey would be there too. Mia would be there too, I sneered. I suddenly felt very small, ugly and _frum_. And still unwell.

We got into the air conditioned lobby of the building, which was such a relief I could have moaned. We were guided through to their biggest event room by a sweet, young receptionist.

‘It’s been popular.’ He said. ‘I’ve heard really great things from everyone who’s come out.’

‘That’s wonderful.’ I said.

‘Oh, what a beautiful accent.’ He said. ‘English?’

‘Yes.’

‘My favourite.’ He said. ‘It’s right through here.’ He said, with a perfect American smile. ‘Goodbye little ones.’ He said, waving at Daniel and Leah.

The room was grand, the ceiling was high and there were hundreds of people there. Hundreds of well-dressed, fashionable milled around while a DJ booth in the corner pumped out popular songs, no doubt to appeal to the younger people there. The room was well-lit with soft yellows, no doubt to caress the egos of everyone in attendance. This was like no event I’d ever seen in England.

‘Where’s mum?’ Daniel asked.

‘I’m sure we’ll find her.’ I said, starting to weave through the crowds, upsetting everyone who was standing in a group as they moved out of the way for the pram I was pushing.

After lots of gazing around, I couldn’t find Ronit and Daniel and Leah were both growing restless, they both wanted to see their mother. I’d called her and texted her, but still nothing. We went towards the buffet, the smell of which was making me feel sick as we waited there, when I heard a familiar voice.

‘Esti?’ It was a shrill man’s voice. ‘It’s Esti! Hello beautiful.’

‘Liam, hello.’ He dragged me into a bear hug and kissed both of my cheeks. He’d put on some weight and gained some muscle since the last time I’d seen him. ‘You look great.’

‘Babes, you look amazing. And look at your… kids. Great. Love kids, as long as they don’t touch me.’ He guffawed and looked at Daniel with slight snub, like he was scared Daniel would rub his sticky, sugary, doughnut hands all over his expensive clothing.

‘Have you seen Ronit?’ I asked, pulling Daniel away from him subconsciously.

‘She’s been running around like an absolute manic bitch. Sorry.’ He said, acknowledging Daniel. ‘Last time I saw her, that thirsty assistant was all over her.’

My stomach sank in a red hot pit. ‘Mia?’

‘Is that her name?’ Liam laughed. ‘I can’t tell where Mia starts and Ronit ends, she’s that far up her ar- oh babes, it’s nothing like that.’

He must have seen my face, I tried to bring it into a normal expression. ‘So, you don’t know where she is.’

‘She’ll be around.’ Liam said, suddenly sombre. ‘I’ll go see if I can find her.’ He said, and quickly hurried away.

‘He smelled funny.’ Daniel said.

Liam was gone for a few minutes, but I spotted Ronit long before he got to her. She was standing with a glass of wine in her hand, throwing her head back and laughing with a group of tall men and women. Mia was standing at her side laughing with them. It looked like normal networking, normal work socialising, so why did I feel so sick? My stomach was turning dreadfully. Mia moved a hand onto Ronit’s lower back and she leaned in, whispering something in her ear. Ronit nodded and leant back from her, though Mia was still leaning into her. Something caught in my throat and I retched.

I started to walk towards them with urgency, pulling Daniel’s hand and pushing the pram. Ronit saw me and her face brightened, Mia took a step back; she looked angry, I think.

‘You’re here!’ Ronit said, though her face dropped when she saw me. 'What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost.'

'Actually it's a soul, mum.' Daniel said.

‘Can you watch them for a minute?’ I asked, worried that if I spoke too much, I’d be sick on the floor. ‘I have to go to the bathroom.’

Ronit didn’t have time to say anything before I’d stormed towards the toilets, mildly gagging on air that I breathed in through my nostrils. I slammed into a stall in the women’s toilets, past two thin models who were standing at the sinks.

‘She’s starting early.’ One of them said and they both cackled as I threw up everything I’d had that morning. Tea, water, some of Daniel’s doughnut, some of Leah’s leftover porridge. It was horrendous, but there was something familiar about it all.

‘Esti?’ I heard a voice that lifted me up.

‘Ronit?’

‘Jesus, what’s wrong? Are you all right?’

‘I’m… I’m fine.’

Ronit flushed the toilet and got down onto the floor of the toilet with me, in her beautiful dress. She wiped my face with a tissue that smelled like flowers.

‘Where’re Daniel and Leah?’

‘Mia’s watching them.’ Ronit said. ‘Don’t worry about them.’

I nodded. I didn’t know how I was feeling.

‘What happened, darling? Did you eat something bad?’

I shook my head and wiped my mouth. ‘I don’t think so.’

‘Well, what is it? Do we need to go to the hospital?’

‘No, Ronit, I think- I think that test was wrong this morning.’ I said, rubbing my eyes, now fully understanding with relief the swirls of sickness I was feeling.

‘Test?’ She was confused for a second, and then her eyebrows raised and her mouth beamed into a smile. ‘Test! You think- you think it was wrong?’

‘I think… it might pay to check it again.’

She was nodding feverishly. ‘Yes! Yes! Let’s get more tests. We can go now if you want?’

‘But your event-’ I started to say.

‘Oh, it’s all just networking now.’ She said. ‘As long as Audrey is here, it’ll be fine.’

I nodded and leaned against the toilet.

‘I have to get you home anyway darling, you’re not well.’ She touched my forehead. ‘So I might as well stay there when we get home.’ She seemed excited, genuinely excited and pleased at the prospect of leaving and going back to our apartment.

‘Are you sure?’ I asked her.

‘God yes. My feet are killing me.’ She said, standing up and lifting me as she did. ‘We can go by the pharmacy on the way home.’ She suggested. ‘And we can watch a movie this afternoon, all of us. We can get popcorn!’

We walked back into the room after I’d washed my mouth out with water. I was sucking on a mint that Ronit had given me as we approached Daniel, Leah and Mia, who looked very bored and agitated.

‘I’m sorry, I ruined your event. I didn’t mean to.’ I said, going to hold Ronit’s hand.

‘Your entrance was quite dramatic.’ She admitted, though she was chuckling. ‘We’ll make an American out of you yet.’


	46. The Yahrzeit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone.
> 
> I just wanted to give some meaning to the title of this chapter. 'Yahrzeit' is a Yiddish word meaning anniversary of a death.
> 
> Thank you, and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

After PhotoPlus, our lives fell into a smooth pattern, for a short time at least. There was less of an intense workload, though I was still working long days but I knew I had to because soon we’d have another mouth to feed. It was confirmed by our doctor that Esti was pregnant again, and after the initial shock, joy and tears, it was time to plan all over again. Daniel would be 9 and Leah would be almost two years old when the baby came. We broke the news to Daniel in the evening of the day we found out.

_‘Another_ baby?’ He said, his eyes rolling back into his head. Then a sudden spark of excitement hit him. ‘Is it a boy?’

‘We don’t know yet.’ Esti said, stroking his head. He was in his pyjamas already and sitting on her lap. I was sitting with Leah on the floor trying to keep her in one place, she’d recently started shuffling on her bum and was incredibly speedy, to my surprise.

‘Babies smell.’ Daniel said.

‘So do you darling and we still love you.’ I said, lifting Leah up. Daniel giggled and launched at me.

‘No you stink!’ He said, climbing on my back.

‘Please be careful Daniel.’ Esti said, standing up and retrieving Leah from the sudden bout of roughhousing. She cradled her but Leah was much more interested in me tickling Daniel and soon she started to laugh and giggle and point and looked like she desperately wanted to be a part of it.

‘See,’ I said, lifting Daniel up by his ankles and pulling him along the sofa. ‘If you have more brothers and sisters you could play with them instead of breaking my back.’

He just laughed and jumped up at me so that I was forced to lift him up, which made the muscles in my arms throb and ache. I saw Esti smile as she watched us, like she always did. I wondered if Daniel would ever grow out of these sudden bursts of energy he had before bed, but then I stopped myself. I never wanted him or Leah or any other children we’d have to grow up. It was selfish, but I couldn’t imagine the day when they’d leave home. I suddenly thought of my own father, how he treated me when I left. As though he was relieved. Bile churned inside me; I couldn’t bear the thought of my children leaving and yet he practically celebrated when I left. Daniel poked my face and drew me out of my thoughts.

‘Right, I think it’s time for bed.’ I said.

‘No, it’s too early and I’m not even tired yet.’ Daniel replied quickly.

‘I meant me.’ I said, making Daniel titter again.

 

‘I would quite like a home.’ Esti said that night. We’d put Daniel to bed and he’d fallen asleep instantly, and putting Leah to bed had been an almighty struggle and worn us both out.

‘We have a home.’ I said, undressing while every nerve in my body screamed to rest. It had been a long day, and a long evening and I needed to lay down, I wanted to rest my hand on Esti’s stomach and fall asleep. I was naked because I couldn’t be bothered to put nightclothes on, I pulled my ponytail out and threw my clothes into the washing basket when Esti said what she’d meant the first time.

‘I mean a… proper home.’ Esti was laying back against the many cushions she’d bought for our bed, her legs were crossed. ‘Not a flat.’

I nodded and rubbed my eyes. I threw myself down on the bed, close to her and soon I felt her delicate fingers stroke along my spine. Shivers tingled along my lower back and across my shoulders. I lifted my hand and rested it on her lower abdomen, knowing there was a little life in there.

‘You want a big house, in the ‘burbs?’ I said, looking up at her. ‘A big garden, with a swingset? Where the kids can run alongside an ice cream van with the other neighbourhood children?’

She was smiling, which I returned. ‘Well, I don’t want a life from a TV show.’ She was scoffing. ‘I want them to have an… idyllic childhood.’

I yawned. ‘An idyllic childhood.’ I said. ‘Sounds nice, what is that?’

‘Exactly.’ Her fingers were getting faster as they trailed up and down. Her nails dragged in the dip of my spine, I felt a heat in the bottom of my stomach and a twitch in between my legs. ‘We could give them the life we never had.’

‘Why can’t we do that in the city?’

Her mouth moved in an odd way, like she was holding herself back. I knew what she was getting at, I knew what she wanted and I suppose to an extent that’s what I wanted too. Though when I thought about it, it scared me slightly. I hadn’t lived in the suburbs for years, since I left Hendon. I started to feel choked and nervous; the rows of houses, the nosy neighbours, everyone knowing your business.

‘Can we talk about it tomorrow?’ I asked, with another yawn.

‘Of course, sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned it now.’

‘I’m just very tired.’ I said, lifting my leaden arm to stroke her bare legs under her robe. She turned her body towards me and placed her hand flat on my back.

‘That’s a shame.’ She said, with implications behind her words.

‘Why?’

She paused for a moment, I heard a faint siren outside. ‘I wanted to taste you.’

An involuntary gasp left my mouth, our eyes were locked and a small smile was still settled on her face. ‘You can do that.’ I said, my voice barely a whisper.

‘I’d like to.’

She leant down and kissed my forehead, then my nose and then my lips. I worked my way up and she moved down, the whole time our mouths were together. Then she lowered herself, her lips brushed my stomach and the inside of my thighs. Her mouth moved with intent and strength and I had to bite my lip not to moan out loud and she hadn’t even reached my clit. She waited for a moment, her face over me for several seconds, I looked down and saw that her mouth was open. She was studying me, her lips already glistening.

‘I love you, Ronit.’ She said.

‘I love you too.’ I replied, stroking her cheek with my thumb.

She lowered her head and I felt her hot mouth on me. My head hit back into the pillow, I felt my neck strain and my jaw tensed.

‘Fucking-’ The word came out as a shuddering breath. Her tongue was quick, generous and hungry. I felt her go deeper, I felt her desire for me in the movements of her jaw and the quiet, high pitched groans she was letting out. She scratched down my thighs and I clenched her hair hard. Her mouth moved faster, her tongue was precise and her lips sucked my clit rapidly. I moaned and I gasped as my fingers wove firmly into her hair.

‘Jesus Esti- fuck-’

I heard the wet sounds her mouth made, the craving, gravelly noise in her throat, the way she held her body; my pleasure was surmounting inside of me, crashing around my entire body as I jerked and panted. I saw the toned skin around her arms and felt the strength in her fingers as she held me down. Her mouth was doing so many things and my vision got blurry, so I closed my eyes and let the ecstasy drown me. A cry escaped my lips and I let go of her head as my hands flew to the covers beneath us, which I clenched in my fists. My body convulsed as I moaned her name, and soon I was laying there with my legs open and my chest rising and falling rapidly.  

She slowly made her way up, she straddled me and kissed my lips and the smell and the taste mingled together and it made me weak. She held my face and kissed me so desperately it reminded me of the times we’d kissed before, the hotel in London, my old apartment in New York. I ran my hands up her back and pulled her closer to me so that our bodies were pressed together.

‘No one has ever made me feel how you do.’ I said, mumbling because my brain was still scrambling around and recovering. ‘Since we were… forever.’

Our faces were so close I could smell the mouthwash on every breath, then she rested her head on my chest and we laid there.

‘That makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world.’ She said.

She fell asleep in my arms.

 

The next few weeks passed by us with ease. Our routine was strong and I could drop Daniel to school with her in the mornings and spend time with Leah on the walk to my office that they joined me on. It was summer and New York smelled like hot garbage and fried foods, but it was joyous. My life was seamless. I loved being back in New York, I loved my wife and I loved my children and I was excited for us all to be in this together; for the first time in my life, I felt whole. I knew that something would end up getting in the way eventually. I’d learnt from a young age that life was never smooth for very long.

The first knock was getting into the office, one day in early September; the weather was turning and the leaves were dying and scattering the streets with wet, brown mush. Daniel had been ratty, Esti had been unusually mute and quiet and Leah had been a loud, crying beast all morning. I felt bad, but it was a relief to get into the office.

‘Audrey called.’ Mia said hurriedly, before I’d even had a chance to sit down. She seemed vibrant, excited almost.

‘Right. What did she say?’

‘She had an accident.’

‘An accident?’ It was enough to make me stop what I was doing and look up at Mia. Her fresh face, she always looked so well rested, her dark hair was swept back in a ponytail. She reminded me of me when I’d first started in the industry. ‘Is she okay?’ I asked.

‘She said she’s broken her ankle in three places. She was out last night with the Japanese camera developer directors, they got her so drunk that she fell down some steps coming out of a club.’

‘Fucking hell.’ I sat back in my chair and rubbed my forehead. ‘Have we done damage control?’

‘All of the paparazzi photos of the fall have been bought by us.’

‘Great.’ I was scanning my mind for anything else that needed to happen. ‘Shit, shit, shit. She was supposed to model tomor-’

‘I can do it.’ Mia said instantly. ‘I’ve been looking at the brief, and I’d like to- I can volunteer.’

I sat back and watched her, standing in front of me with her imploring eyes. Her hands were clasped firmly and confidently in front of her.

‘It’s… a nude shoot.’ I lowered my chin but maintained eye contact with her.

‘I know.’

‘Have you ever done… that before?’

‘No, but I wanted to expand my portfolio.’

‘That’s a terrible reason to want to do it.’ I said, sneering slightly and rubbing my temples. I picked up the coffee she’d got for me and lifted it to my lips. ‘Nude shoots aren’t about parading around and showing off, they’re not for bolstering your portfolio-’

‘I didn’t mean it like that-’

‘They’re also very complex, and very, _very_ intimate. Audrey and this photographer are close and that’s why she agreed to-’

‘I know.’ Mia repeated, nodding but not conceding. ‘That’s why I thought a different photographer could do it.’

Something snagged in my head immediately, something didn’t sit right with where she was going. ‘Who did you have in mind?’ I asked, sipping the cooling, creamy drink.

‘I thought you could shoot me. Since you know me... better.’

I felt my mouth open, and then close. In all honesty, it made sense. Getting another model, a _good_ model, at this late notice would be torture. Mia was a fantastic model and I knew she’d be able to do this. Me being the photographer though, that’s where I started to feel unsettled. What would Esti say?

‘I’ll think about it.’ I said. ‘Can you send Audrey some flowers and some wine with a note that says ‘with love, you clumsy bitch.’

‘Thank you Ronit.’ Mia said, smiling. ‘I will do that now.’

That predicament sat with me for the rest of the day. I knew that I would personally have no problem with it, I’d done it before with other models, and with Audrey and it was fine. I was professional, it was my art, I knew I could do it. There was something off in the way Mia interacted with me, something that I suppose Esti had picked up on. I knew Mia was attractive, but I didn’t feel anything towards her, and the shoot would have to be done. I didn’t know this other photographer very well, Audrey’s choice. He was French and gay, I knew that much. I didn’t know that he’d be able to change his vision from Audrey to Mia, they were quite different in their styles.

Mia came in and out of my office all day, with different jobs and messages for me. I thought she would mention the shoot but she didn’t bring it up again until that evening, when work was winding down.

‘Did you make a decision, on the shoot for tomorrow?’

I was closing down my laptop and massaging my eyes. ‘Yes, I’ve been thinking about it.’ She was studying me carefully, her green eyes were burrowing into me. ‘We have to do the shoot, so if you’re really happy with the idea of me doing it, then I suppose we don’t have a choice.’

Mia’s face lit up.

‘Can you call Philippe, and tell him we’re very sorry but Audrey’s under the weather and we’ve had to cancel it. Tell him we’ll reimburse his flight or something to soothe him.’

‘Yes! I’ll do that right now!’

‘And just make sure everything was ready to go for tomorrow; venue, equipment et cetera.’

‘Thank you Ronit, thank you so much.’

‘It’s fine, it’s just work.’ I stood up, then I noticed that Mia and I were a similar height, both tall, both dominating. I wondered if we’d clash on a shoot.

‘Let me get you a taxi.’ Mia said, stepping out of my office with a huge grin on her face.

 

When I got home, everything was quiet, which was odd. I hung my coat and bag up and took of my shoes, enjoying the coolness of the wooden floors and allowing them to soothe the soles of my feet. I went through to the living room, where Esti was sat alone in the dark, watching a white candle flicker and burn.

‘Esti?’

‘Oh, hello.’ She was startled. ‘Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.’

‘That’s… that’s okay. What’re you doing? Where’s Daniel? And Leah?’

‘Daniel went to… ah, I can’t remember the name of it. There was a party at a kid’s place, with a mouse mascot, or something.’

‘Chuck E Cheese’s?’

‘That’s the one. He went there with a group of friends for a birthday. He’ll be back soon.’ She had turned back to the candle. ‘Leah is sleeping, she’s got a cold so I gave her some medicine.’

‘Are you all right?’ I went to sit with her, I tucked her hair behind her ear and put my hand on her knee.

‘I’m fine- it’s just, it’s- Dovid called earlier. I told him about the baby.’

‘What did he say?’ I asked.

‘He’s happy for us, he really is.’ She said, once she’d seen my frown.

‘Why did he call? Is everything all right?’

Esti sighed. ‘Shayna’s father is dying. He was in a bit of a state about that.’

‘That’s awful.’ I said, thinking about Shayna and her parents. I was always so envious of Shayna’s life; her perfect parents and her perfect house. That’s probably why I tried to make her life so much more miserable, like mine.

‘And it’s- he mainly called because it’s-’ Esti took a deep breath. ‘My father’s _yahrzeit_ today.’

‘Oh, Esti.’ I groaned and pulled her into a hug, a blade of guilt sliced through me; Dovid had remembered and I hadn’t. That explained everything; her sombre mood, the candle, the darkness. ‘How long has it been now?’

‘Ten years.’ She said in a shaky voice. I could feel her tears seeping in through my blouse.

‘Darling, I’m so sorry. I completely forgot.’

‘No, no, it’s fine. It’s- it’s stupid that I’m crying.’ She tried to clean her face.

‘No, it’s not.’

‘It is, it’s been so long-’

‘He was a good man Esti.’ I pulled back so that I could look at her glassy eyes. ‘He was a great man. He was- he was better to me than my own father.’

She was nodding and pursing her lips together. ‘He was good.’

‘He was the best.’ I waited for a moment. ‘I was very grateful for him.’

Esti started sobbing again, so I held her tightly, while letting my own memories of Josef flood my head. His kindness, his generosity, his patience. I often thought of him after I left, glad that Esti had him, so thankful she could rely on him.

‘Sorry-’ She mumbled

‘Don’t apologise.’ I said.

‘How was your day, anyway?’ She shook her head slightly, trying to clear her mind.

I thought of Mia, I thought of the nude shoot, I thought of Esti’s dislike of Mia and her current mood, I didn’t want to make it any worse.

‘It was fine.’ I said. ‘Do you want to do anything nice this evening? We can order chicken livers and smoke cigarettes in honour of Josef?’

Esti laughed and wiped her face with a tissue. ‘That sounds great.’ She said. ‘He would have loved that.’

‘He would have loved Daniel.’ I said, squeezing her hand. ‘He would have spoiled Leah rotten, but Daniel… I could see him teaching him carpentry, teaching him how to fix things.’

Esti was nodding eagerly. ‘You’re right. He’d definitely want to make a man out of Daniel, but Leah would have been his princess.’

‘God yes. He’d have been so tightly wrapped around her little finger, it would have been painful for him.’

She was grinning, her eyes were still red but I could see how happy she was in her face talking like this, talking about her father. We spent the next hour or so reliving memories from Hendon; times we’d had that involved Josef in some way or another. We avoided speaking of her mother and my father and anyone else. Though soon enough, Daniel arrived home in better spirits, red-faced and exhausted from hitting the piñata, even when it had fallen to the floor and opened up. For the rest of the evening, we told Daniel some wonderful stories about his grandfather.


	47. The Shoot

The day of the shoot started like one of our normal days, though it didn’t stay normal. Esti woke up first, she was an early riser. She told me once that the early mornings had always been her favourite, since our sleepover days. She had admitted that she used to wake up even before Dovid did, before his morning prayers, so that she could stand on their balcony and look over the gardens and watch the birds and the trees. 

‘It’s just so peaceful.’ She said. ‘It’s time when I can be alone, but not feel lonely.’

I felt her kiss my forehead before she got out of bed, then her steps faded away and I knew she was in the kitchen when I heard the coffee grinder whizz and crunch the beans. Soon, our apartment was filled with the scent of rich, brewing coffee. I heard Leah stir over the baby monitor, she was saying ‘mummy’, ‘mornin’’ and a few other words that Esti and I said to her when she woke up. She stepped back into the bedroom and yawned. I opened my eyes and stretched my arms out.

‘I’m sorry.’ Esti whispered. ‘I didn’t mean to wake you.’

‘No, no. It’s nice.’ I yawned with her and sat up, rubbing my eyes. ‘How did you sleep?’

‘Really well.’ She replied, sitting at the end of the bed. ‘Thank you, for last night. It really - it meant a lot, that we could talk about… him and talk to Daniel about him.’

‘Esti, we don’t need a special occasion to talk to Daniel about Josef. We can talk about Josef all the time.’

She was nodding though she looked unsure. ‘I just never know how much of that… old life you’re willing to-’ she gestured with her hands as though she was struggling to find the words. ‘Ronit, I don’t ever want to make you think about that time of our lives if you don’t want to. I’d hate to make you feel uncomfortable or upset.’ She paused. ‘I know it can still set you on edge.’

I looked down at the covers and spread my fingers over the soft cotton. ‘Esti, it’s the place that makes me feel weird. I can talk about you, and me and your father easily. Apart from the obvious neglect and all of that, the time we actually spent together were some of the happiest moments of my life.’

She smiled and climbed over the bed and fell on top of me. She brought her lips to mine and she tasted sweet, like she’d eaten some fruit in the kitchen before coming back. It was delicious and I wanted more of her mouth on me. She kissed my jaw and my neck and I felt her teeth graze me. It was getting hotter and heavier, and I lowered a hand so I could feel her. She was smooth and wet and we both groaned quietly. I was just sliding my fingers inside her when Leah burst out into a loud wail that crackled over the monitor, and Daniel’s sudden, thumping footsteps could be heard running down the hall towards our bedroom. Esti had just about climbed off me just as Daniel burst into the room.

‘Leahs’ cryin’!’ He declared, then he noticed Esti brushing down her robe and me pulling the comforter up to cover my chest. ‘What’re you doing?’ He asked.

‘I can hear that, sweetheart.’ Esti stuttered as she made her way out of the room, she seemed quite flustered. ‘Let’s go and see if she’s okay, shall we?’

‘What were you and mum doing?’ He repeated the question, following her out of the room.

‘Nothing sweetheart.’ 

‘You were.’ He said, in a matter-of-fact tone. I laughed, then I checked the time and I got up and showered.

When I was out, dry and dressed, I went to the kitchen where Esti had poured me a steaming coffee and had laid out several croissants.

‘Mumma.’ Leah said when I came into the room.

‘Good morning my lovely girl.’ I said, going over to her high chair. She had smeared fruit puree all over her little table and I didn’t really want it over me, so I kissed the top of her head.

‘Hi mum.’ Daniel said, not looking up from his cereal bowl. He was spooning huge amounts into his mouth.

‘Good morning my lovely boy.’ I said, ruffling his hair. ‘Is Leah any better?’ I asked.

‘She’s still a bit snotty.’ Esti said, leaning on the counter, watching all of us. One of her hands was on her stomach. ‘She seems happier though, don’t you darling?’

‘Dar-leeng.’ Leah mimicked the word with a grin, exposing the few teeth she had. I noticed then that her cheeks looked the same as mine when I smiled and I felt an incredible rush of emotion.

‘That’s wonderful news!’ I took a seat at the table, in between Daniel and Leah. I eventually ended up helping Leah eat her smooth fruit.

‘What does your day look like?’ Esti asked. 

‘Oh, it’s going to be hellish.’ I said. ‘Did I tell you Audrey broke her ankle? She’s got shoots coming up and it’s just fuc- messed everything up.’

‘You swore.’ Daniel said. ‘Mummy, mum swore!’ 

‘Shh, Daniel.’ Esti said. ‘Audrey broke her ankle? Is she okay?’

‘Oh she’s fine, she was just a bit merry. She gets like a clumsy gazelle when she’s drunk.’

‘What does that mean for her shoots?’ Esti asked, and I suddenly remembered what was happening today. 

‘Erm, it’s- it means- it’s fine, I mean we have- there are models who can step in.’

Esti was staring at me with a slight frown, but then she started laughing. ‘Audrey is so funny.’ She said.

‘Mm.’ I said, feeling a burn on my cheeks. I needed to tell her, I should definitely tell her. Unless, I didn’t need to tell her. Perhaps I was making a bigger deal out of this than I needed to do. ‘Are we all ready for school then?’

We got down to the street and Esti pushed Leah in her stroller and Daniel held my hand until we reached the school gates.

‘Can you see any of your friends?’ I asked him.

‘Yep!’ Daniel said. ‘That’s Ethan over there, and Liam. And Ben.’

‘Do you have any more parties coming up?’

‘Dunno.’ He said, tugging to get out of holding my hand. ‘Okay, bye!’ He said.

‘Wait, wait!’ I said, bending down. ‘A hug first, please.’

‘Ohh.’ He sighed and fell into my arms, wrapping his own arms around my neck. It was the perfect hug. 

‘Me too please.’ Esti said, also opening herself up for a reluctant hug. After complying, Daniel eventually ran off to join his friends.

‘I dread the day he refuses to hug us.’ I said, though I could barely finish the sentence when a shrill voice greeted us from across the playground.

‘Hello!’ She cried out. ‘Hello! You’re Daniel’s parents, I assume? Ronit and… Estelle?’ She had a severe blonde haircut, and you could tell she’d had work done; she only had one facial expression. 

‘Esti.’ Esti replied, though I’m sure Eleanor didn’t hear her.

‘Goodness, you know I can’t  _ believe _ we’ve never been introduced. I’m Eleanor, I’m Liam’s mother!’

‘Ahh, hello.’ I said, shaking her hand which she took a strong, almost painful, hold of.

She made an odd excited noise. ‘Oh, those accents! I love them!’ She said, closing her eyes and trying to grin, though her tight skin wouldn't allow it. Her accent sounded further west; I immediately wondered how she had made her money. ‘I just came over to let you know we’re hosting a Little League get together, down at Hank’s on Fountain this Saturday, 3pm! Please, please tell me you can make it!’

I looked back at Esti and she looked at me. ‘I- think we should be able to.’ She said, quietly.

‘Oh, that is fantastic.’ Eleanor practically yelled. ‘Fantastic! Daniel has such a swing on him. Bill, my husband, thinks he could get to Major Division, you know?’

‘That’s amazing news.’ I said, suddenly feeling very proud and competitive. I made a note to go out that weekend and buy Daniel his own bat and ball so we could practice together. ‘It was great to meet you Eleanor, but I’ve got to get to work.’

‘Oh, yes! Daniel told me you’re a photographer of some kind?’

‘Yes, that’s the one.’

'Anything I might have seen?'

'We shoot for Vogue, GQ, all the big ones.' I said, flippantly.

'Well, well, that is something!  And you? Estelle? What do you do?’

‘I- er-’ Esti faltered.

‘She’s pregnant.’ I said. ‘And of course, we have the little one who needs looking after 24/7.’ I gestured to the stroller where Leah lay gabbling. 

‘Goodness! What a big, beautiful family you’ll have.’ She said. ‘Estelle, you  _ are _ glowing, I should have known you were with child!’

‘Thank you.’ Esti said, and then I knew I’d have to say something, because Esti was too polite and timid.

‘It’s Esti.’ I said, smiling.

‘Sorry?’ Eleanor turned back to me.

‘My wife’s name is Esti, not Estelle.’

Eleanor’s eyes flickered, and if she hadn’t had plastic surgery recently, I think she probably would have been smiling quite sweetly, though her face just looked blank. ‘Right, sorry. Esti. Esti and Ronit.’

‘That’s right.’ I said.

‘It was really great to meet you, Ronit. And you Esti, and we’ll see you on Saturday, I'm sure!’

‘Sounds great!’ I said, waving her off.

‘Thank you.’ Esti said.

I laughed and turned back to her. ‘That’s okay. These school mums are… a different breed.’

 

When I arrived at the office, Mia met me in the lobby. She looked confident and her eyes were filled with determination. She was wearing loose fitting clothes today; I imagine to stay comfortable and less constricted, she was clever. 

‘Good morning Ronit.’ She said, handing me a Starbucks cup.

‘Good morning Mia.’ I replied. ‘Any word from Audrey?’

‘I’ve been speaking to Ed,’ she said, I found myself frowning at that. I didn’t know Ed and Mia were close. ‘He said she’s just feeling sorry for herself. Licking her wounds.’

‘I see.’ 

‘I’ve been preparing for the shoot all morning. Everything is lined up and ready to go.’

‘Great.’

‘You’re not having second thoughts about it?’ Mia asked as we reached the elevator.

‘We really don’t have any other choice.’ I said. ‘Thank you for getting everything together.’

‘It’s my pleasure.’ She said. Our eyes locked and I looked away, though she continued to stare at me.

I went to the set before Mia did. I always had to arrive before the model to make sure everything was in order and exactly how I needed it. Though Mia was my assistant, she knew what I liked and what I didn’t. She knew how I liked my setup, so everything was already perfect. I found myself fiddling around with lenses while I waited in the empty, soft-yellow lit room. I had chosen  a 35mm f/1.4 wide-angle lens, and an 85mm f/1.8 in case we did any close-ups, though I was hoping that we wouldn’t. I felt edgy and I tried to understand why. Mia was someone I knew, so I shouldn’t be feeling uncomfortable. She was young, friendly and easy to be around; maybe that was the problem. Some days, especially during the planning stages of PhotoPlus, we would eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together. I knew she had some sort of fondness for me, and maybe that was an issue as well. I suddenly thought about her naked and was filled with a jagged mix of emotions. 

Mia eventually came in holding a white robe that we gave to models on shoots. I stood up quickly and swallowed to moisten my mouth, which was dry. This was all suddenly very real.

‘You ready?’ I asked.

Mia nodded and smiled, though she looked less sure of herself. She walked over to the model’s dressing area and stared at me. I waited for a while before I realised why she was looking at me.

‘Shit, sorry. I’ll- I’ll leave and you can get ready.’

‘You don’t have to leave.’ She said, pulling her sweater over her head, revealing a thin, strappy tank top. She wasn’t wearing a bra.

I turned around despite what she said, with my jaw clenched. I tried to snap out of it. I thought of Esti, but that made me feel worse. I should have told her about this, it felt wrong.

‘I’m ready.’ Mia said, and I turned back around. She was wearing her robe to my relief.

‘Great. How are you feeling?’

‘Fine.’ She said. ‘How are you?’

‘Good.’ I replied, lifting up my camera. ‘You said you’ve read the brief?’

‘Hundreds of times.’ Mia said, smiling.

‘Did you have any thoughts? Ideas?’

‘I think I should be on the floor.’ She replied. ‘Laying down, kneeling, sitting.’

I agreed with her. The shoot was being commissioned by an art show in Munich called  _ ‘Salz der Erde’ _ . It was all about the earth, growth and human life. ‘Let’s try that then. Whenever you’re ready.’

She untied her robe and took a deep breath as it fell in a pile around her ankles. Her body was immaculate, her skin was dark and toned and shimmered in the light around us. I looked down at the camera in my hands and looked back up. Mia looked pleased. 

‘If you find a position that suits you,’ I said, knowing exactly how to handle this type of shoot. ‘We can start from there.’

Mia took a step onto the plush, brown rug that had been laid out for her and got onto her stomach. She looked up at me and nodded. I raised the camera to my eye and started snapping her. She was an astonishingly talented model. She raised her arms and her face perfectly, and held her body in such a way for each photo, I barely had to speak while we worked. She was entirely hairless, an aesthetic that worked for her body and for the shoot, and towards the end of it, her hair was ruffled and she was playful and confident.

‘There are some really good shots in here Mia.’ I said, sitting on the hard floor, flicking through the camera. I was getting that buzz I got when I looked back at my own work, that adrenaline rush that came from knowing I’d done well, that my work would be praised.

‘Can I see?’ She asked.

‘Sure.’ I replied. 

I heard her walking behind me, treading with silent, dainty footsteps. She crouched down and leant over my shoulder, gazing at the screen of the camera in my hands. Her face seemed close, but I didn’t think anything of it. The shoot was over, she was my assistant again.

‘I like them.’ She whispered, her voice was deep and husky. ‘You’re so talented, Ronit.’

‘It’s not just the photographer.’ I said, though I was excited. I wondered if some of the shots could be used for other ongoing projects that we had in the pipeline. 

‘You are. You’re incredible.’ Mia had shifted. I turned my head to look at her, her face was closer. It was then I realised that she hadn’t put her robe back on; she was naked, inches from me and staring at my lips.

‘Mia, what are you doing?’ I asked.

‘Just looking at the art we created.’ She said, I felt the heat of her skin on mine. I tried to tell myself that I was overthinking it, and she wasn’t doing anything though it was difficult when I could feel an overwhelming energy emanating from her entire body.

‘Thank you for stepping in again today.’ I said, swallowing something hard in the back of my throat. I wanted to remain professional in case I was reading this wrong.

‘It was my pleasure.’ She replied, and then waited for a moment before asking a question that fully convinced me of her sordid intentions. ‘Do you want me keep my robe off?’

‘Put your robe on, Mia.’ I said, without skipping a beat.

Mia’s eyes softened, almost like she was surprised, disappointed or embarrassed. I didn’t care. I pulled my head back and stood up, feeling anger and guilt tear through me.

‘Please tidy up in here when you’re dressed.’ I said, tucking my camera into its bag.

‘Oh, okay.’ She replied.

Then I left her alone in the studio, thinking only of Esti.


	48. The Appointment

‘You gave a month off?’ Audrey asked, clearly shocked that I’d given that much leave to my assistant. Audrey’s ankle remained in a thick, white cast that I was surprused she could carry around, given it probably weighed more than she did. Her leg was elevated, resting on the table in my office, next to her coffee and laptop; the photos from mine and Mia’s shoot were scattered all over it.

I didn’t look up from my screen. ‘Yep.’

‘Ronit, why?’ She scowled. ‘Surely she is needed  _ non _ ? How are you keeping on top of your diary?’

‘It’s a trial.’

‘A trial for what?’

‘To see if I even need an assistant.’

Audrey scoffed. ‘And how are you finding it so far?’

‘It’s easy.’ I replied, though I was skimming through my multi-coloured calendar, with all its many meetings, phone-calls, lunches and appointments over the month and I felt slightly overwhelmed. I closed the lid of my laptop. ‘I didn’t have one in London.’

‘No, no... I suppose you’ve always been stubborn enough to look after yourself.’ Audrey started rubbing her toes which were poking out of the end of her ankle cast, then she picked up one of the photos from the photoshoot. ‘Jesus, she is a good model.’

‘She is.’ I admitted and my thoughts flickered back to the day of the shoot. I’d thought about it every day since it happened. Mia’s behaviour, her eyes, the way she’d leaned into me. It made me feel guilty, angry, uncomfortable, but to my surprise, I also felt oddly flattered. It was confusing. I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone.

‘If you don’t want her as an assistant, I think we should keep her as a junior model.’ Audrey murmured, and then she huffed loudly. ‘Darling, I want a cigarette, are you sure we can’t smoke in here?’

‘No, but I want one too. Let’s go downstairs.’

‘Ugh, smoking on the street like delinquents.’ She responded with a dry smile as she limped upwards.

We grabbed our coats and Audrey spoke of Mia the entire ride down in the elevator. She spoke about her posture, her face, her modelling history and how useful she would be as an understudy. I stayed mostly quiet but agreed with her when I could. I was mostly thinking of Esti again, I spent most of my days thinking about Esti, and the child she was carrying.

‘-I mean, do you not like her?’

‘Audrey, please-’ I laughed as I took one of the cigarettes she was offering me. ‘I just don’t like relying on someone, that’s all.’

Audrey sniffed hard. ‘I just can’t understand it. I think that’s what it is. Does Esti not like her?’

‘I don’t think Esti has an opinion on her.’ I lied.

Audrey crinkled up her face, that lovely face I’d known for so many years now. ‘I think something else has happened _ ma ch _ _ é _ _ rie, _ and you are not telling me.’

I looked up at her and smiled. ‘You’re paranoid.’

‘Pah. I am right,  _ but _ if you do not want to go into details, I do not mind.’

We smoked in silence for a little while, both choking slightly each time we inhaled the icy Manhattan air with the fumes from the cigarettes.

‘Esti’s pregnant again.’ I said, after a while. Audrey almost swallowed her cigarette whole.

‘Good god, Ronit! Good, Christ. You two have definitely stuck to your roots  _ non _ ?’ She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close to her quickly, I almost burned her. ‘Congratulations, my beautifuls, uh. This is such extraordinary news! How? When? What is it?’

‘We don’t know yet, I don’t think either of us want to know.’ I drew the last few puffs and threw the cigarette into the road. I found that I was grinning. ‘She’s only two, three months along.’

‘Look at your face!’ Audrey said. ‘You are so happy, look at you!

‘I am, I’m very happy.’

‘God, I wish there was something that made me that happy.’

‘What about Ed?’

‘Ach, that is different.’ 

‘Well, why don’t you have one? I thought that was on the cards for a while.’

‘Oh darling, I could never really carry a baby. Look at me, look at these hips.’ She put her hand on either side of her waist. ‘No baby would thrive in there, plus I am too old.’

‘Watch it,’ I joked. ‘You’re younger than us.’

‘No, no, no... you two are still twenty year olds, still living in that exciting first relationship. Catching up with the life you were never allowed.’

I stared at a few cars that passed by us, slowly driving over the icy road. I forgot how intuitive Audrey was sometimes; she gave the impression she was an airhead model to other people so often that I forgot she was actually one of the smartest people I knew.

‘We actually have a scan this afternoon.’ I said.

‘Go.’ Audrey said bluntly. ‘Go now.’

‘But it’s not for hours yet-’

‘I do not care, go and be with your wife. The office is entirely dead today, I can sit here and do nothing by myself.’

‘There’s a meeting with Canon this afternoon.’

‘I can do it.’ Audrey replied, her long arms stretching in front of her.

‘Even with the broken foot, Tiny Tim?’

Audrey guffawed and nudged my shoulder. ‘I am sure I can handle it.’

‘Are you sure? Really?’

‘God, yes. I do not even know why you came in today, stupid woman, devoted to her desk.’

‘I am not.’ I said. ‘Devoted to the art.’

‘Well there is no art today. Go home, be with your pregnant wife.’ We headed towards 

I sighed. ‘Okay, I will, but please read the notes on my desk before the meeting, won’t you?’

Audrey waved me away, as though she was waving away the notion that she would do any preparation before the meeting. ‘Of course I will.’ She lied. ‘Don’t come back upstairs, you’ll never leave. I will get someone to courier your laptop to your apartment if you really want.’

I nodded. ‘That would be great, thank you Audrey, and… thank you.’

‘It is nothing, my dear.’

I said one last goodbye and jumped straight into a taxi, which crawled all the way back to our apartment. I was excited, all anxious thoughts of Mia had evaporated and I was thrilled to be going home. I could spend the day with Esti and Leah and we could go to the clinic appointment together, and pick Daniel up from school. 

I threw some cash at the driver and hurried as fast as I could up the steps to our apartment block, and rode the elevator all the way up to our floor. I tried to open the door as quietly as possible, thinking to myself that Leah might be napping, or Esti might be trying to soothe her as she’d been teething recently, and it had been hellish for all of us.

I was shocked then, when I opened the door that my ears were filled with loud, happy shrieks of multiple children and laughter belonging to other adults.

I crept towards the living room and opened the door, the voices and laughter immediately hushed.

‘Ronit!’ Esti jumped up, she looked ecstatic. ‘What are you doing home?’

She was surrounded by three other women around our age, and the floor was covered in babies, I think there were four of them. 

‘There wasn’t much going on at work.’ I said, hugging her. 

‘That’s amazing, I’m so happy you’re home. Come in, this is, Eleanor, you met her the other day-’ 

The mother who kept getting Esti’s name wrong was sitting on the sofa with two mothers; she was looking up at me with such a sweet smile, I almost winced.

‘-and this is Lucy and Pamela.’ Esti said, gesturing to the other two women.

‘Hi, nice to meet you.’ I said. ‘Have I interrupted a PTA meeting?’

They all laughed. ‘Oh, Ronit, no. We needed a place to talk about the Little League weekend tournament, and Esti kindly invited us back to yours.’

‘I see.’ I said. 

‘We’ve just been having some coffee.’ Esti said. ‘We haven’t done much planning at all.’

‘I don’t want to interrupt.’ I said.’

‘No, no, please come and sit.’ Esti said.

‘Yes Ronit, do come and join us. You could probably help us quite a lot. Esti tells us you lived here for a very long time.’

I felt a prickly heat tickle the back of my neck. I don’t know why, but I didn’t like the ease she had with admitting she knew facts about me, it reminded me of the women from Hendon. 

‘I’ve lived here since I was eighteen.’ I replied.

‘Wonderful, you’ll definitely be able to help then.’

I ended up sitting down with them, I lifted Leah up and tried to keep her on my lap but she wriggled free and scooted along the floor with her new friends. They all chatted and mumbled nonsense and laughed.. Esti kept making coffee and pastries and making sure everyone was eating and drinking while the other women discussed everything other than the tournament. 

‘- did you see Margerie this morning?’ Pamela asked. ‘She has gotten  _ big _ .’

‘She just had a baby, Pam.’ Lucy replied quickly, but Eleanor and Pamela gave her a scathing look. I think I liked Lucy.

When Esti headed out of the room, I excused myself and followed her.

‘Hello beautiful.’ She said, once we’d reached the kitchen. ‘Are you all right? I’m so glad you could come home.’

‘Do they come over a lot?’ I asked in a hushed voice, feeling bad for ignoring her, but I had questions.

‘No, not at all.’ She shook her head. ‘This is the first time, actually.’

‘Do you spend time with them a lot?’

‘I’ve… I’ve been for a few coffees with them after drop off, and there was a lunch last week…’

‘It’s just, I- I think women like that- I don’t think they’re good friends.’

‘Ronit, you just met them.’ Esti was smiling, but she looked perplexed. 

‘I know, but they give me a bad vibe. Especially that Eleanor.’

She nodded then, agreeing with me. ‘No one really likes her.’ She whispered. ‘Lucy and I spoke about it a few days ago.’

I leant back against the counter and looked at Esti’s face, and then her stomach. I put my hand on top of hers and squeezed it softly. ‘Sorry, I- I get strange feelings with…’ I was stuttering, I realised I couldn’t exactly word what I wanted to say. I took a deep breath and tried again. ‘Anything that reminds me of being back there, makes me feel very uncomfortable.’

Esti stroked my face and squeezed my hand back. ‘You don’t need to explain that, I understand.’

Hearing her say those words made me feel suddenly safe, protected, and less unstable.

‘I should see a therapist.’ I said, rubbing my eyes. ‘I’ve been putting that off for fucking years.’

‘Whatever you want to do, I’ll support you.’ Esti said, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her head on my chest. I hugged her close and smelled her hair, it made my stomach swoop.

‘I can ask them to leave.’ She said. ‘We have to go to the doctors soon anyway.’

‘You sure?’ I asked, kissing her head. I could have stayed there all day. She nodded and leant back, we looked at each other for a moment and then she kissed my lips. 

‘If I’d known you’d be back, I would have never invited them over.’ Her lips curved at the sides, showing her dimples. 

I remained in the kitchen while she very politely hurried our guests out.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I heard her say. ‘The appointment completely slipped my mind! We’ll have to organise the tournament another time!’

Soon they, and their horrible loud children, were gone. Eleanor didn’t smile at me as she left, she jarred me greatly. I felt a knot loosen in my chest as soon as Esti closed the door. I grabbed Leah, which made her squeal and threw her up into the air and caught her several times. Esti and I continued to play with her, feed her and cuddled together on the sofa, which we rarely did now because we never had the time. I started falling asleep at one point, drifting away as I sat up on the sofa with my legs over Esti’s legs, holding Leah to my chest.

‘Ronit? We have to go.’ Esti spoke so delicately and rested a hand on my shoulder so gently, that I didn’t feel rushed or stressed, it was a perfect way to be woken.

‘Is it that time already?’

‘Afraid so.’ Esti said, rubbing my shoulders now. ‘Time to go and see this child of yours has the right amount of heads, arms and legs.’

I laughed as I stood up, holding a cranky Leah close to me. ‘I can’t wait to see them.’

 

I drove us to the clinic, which was on the other side of Brooklyn. We arrived after a quiet car journey, as Leah had fallen asleep in her seat, which she always did. We were seen almost immediately and just like I’d seen with Leah’s birth, Esti was on her back with her stomach out, a clear, cold jelly smeared across her abdomen while our doctor showed us a black and white, blurry ultrasound of our baby on a screen. It was magical. I sat there fighting tears in my eyes while the doctor and Esti spoke about normally about everything, the plans that were being laid out for the birth and the doctor was happy to hear that Esti had given birth twice before.

'So, you won't need me giving you any advice.' She said. 'And we can't tell you the sex of the baby yet anyway, you understand?'

'No, no, we're quite happy not knowing at all.' Esti replied.

The doctor smiled at us both and then looked back to the screen. 'Ah, that's interesting... I think...'

‘What?’ I said, leaping at the possibility that there was something wrong. 'What is it?'

‘I think…’ she leant forward and studied the screen, looking at the swells of monotone colour and numbers accompanying them. ‘There are two little heartbeats in there.’

At once, my entire body was covered in shivers. 

‘Tw- tw-’ I started to say.

‘There’s… there are two of them?’ Esti asked, sitting up, but the doctor asked her to lay back down.

‘Yes, yes, you see here,’ she pointed at the screen. ‘And here? Those are the hearts and you can just see there, one of them is tucked behind the other one.’

I stood up and went to the screen, Esti grabbed for my hand and I took it and together we stared at the images in front of us. The images that meant absolutely nothing to either of us but simultaneously meant everything. 

‘Fucking hell, twins.’ I said. ‘Twins, Esti.’ I couldn’t stop myself then, I felt the tears fall down my cheeks. ‘Twins.’


End file.
